I want to live not survive....

Greetings,

I read that today on one of my friends facebook pages, I want to LIVE not survive! AMEN!
I feel that deeply. I want to LIVE not just survive.

My last post was about my chaotic day, my choke at Chili's. Today Dean and I went out for lunch again. He offered to go any where, he offered Qdobas, and he hates going out for Mexican. I named off the places I had coupons for, and I said or we could go to Denny's ( I am trying to be slick).

First we have to go to Walgreen's. I need to go to the pharmacy. My copays have been really high, and I ask again, yes AGAIN, why? So this process is taking forever. I love the pharmacy techs!
I love Jenny. I love the girl who looks like Ashley Tisdale with brown hair. I love my Toni, you want something done right, you want a correct answer you need to see Toni! The pharmacist Drew, very nice guy...you do see this pattern of high praise right? So the pharmacy manager, we will just call her "That Woman" I am pretty sure she is evil, she has limited people skills(she talks down to EVERYONE), she is just plain rude. I try to be nice to her, I really do, but reality is I want to slap her down. So I am getting agitated, which leads me to anxious, anxious=anxiety. So it is now what time, oh yeah...high noon. Lunch time people. I chew two diazepam otherwise this just is not going to happen. Again Dean is being nice. Once upon a time I was a out to luch kind of gal. A nice lingering lunch with a co-worker at the Chinese buffet sipping my iced tea, breakfast at luch, it was one of my favorite things. Lunch and the book store, now we are talking. Well that was before when I was living, not surviving.

I picked George Webbs, if we followed the same pattern as the Chili's event I would at least be hurling up a much less expensive meal. Plus Dean likes Webbs and I wont ever go. It was busy, but we got seated right away. The server had pretty nails and sparkling blue eyes, maybe this won't be so bad. I didn't used to like Webbs but it really wasn't bad. I had a tasty inexpensive breakfast, and I didn't die or puke. I didn't play in my purse. I did play with the menu some, but over all it was do-able. Like I jokingly said I wanted to come back for dinner for a cheese steak, and he said we could if I really wanted to. I don't plan to, it is like 7 out. Love Wisconsin! Today was much better for me. I have never even been in that George Webb's before. I sat in a both by a window, maybe that helped.
I want to live not survive...

I also wanted to thank all of you that called me and messaged me after the Chili's incident. I felt a lot of love and support. Your kindness and understanding means so much to me.

My love to you all.
LIVE DON'T JUST SURVIVE!!!
Love and Light!

Choked in Chili's

Greetings,

Beautiful day today here in the Midwest, aside from the rain. It was almost 60 today, sadly tomorrow returns to typical Wisconsin weather.

So it is beautiful out. I should have a good day right? WRONG. Dean was kind enough to take me to Chili's for lunch. I keep my mouth shut as we drive past "my Denny's". Yeah, Denny's is within my scope of do-ability. I generally do not go when it is busy, we usually end up with the same server, who identifies me as a little off...like can sense like, but she knows my quirks and she always gets me a to go glass for my iced tea because I can never finish it.

Back to Chili's, we go at lunch time. LUNCH TIME, like every one is at Chili's. They got us to a table in a pretty quick manner. Thank Goodness!!! I start to fidget, I need a fidget ring now that I don't carry random things in my pocket in the event of a melt down, I would carry crystals, worry stones, my sons baby teeth on occasion(yeah you are thinking that is over the top and I am creepy aren't you~lol. I don't care!) I start to play in my purse and start playing with my glasses. I am sure the server is thinking "Oh Great". I eat some of my lunch and need to stop because I am pretty sure I am going to die. I still have to run errands~FUCK! We made it out of Chili's alive. I had to set my purse down on the counter before we left to make sure I didn't leave any of the random crap I was playing with behind at my table. Got to love when the OCD kicks in too.

Pick-n-Save, so we are not in "My Pick-n-Save" but that is okay, kinda sort of, not really. I make it! I had a very small list and only forgot two things. I leave Dean in line(have not done that in a LONG LONG TIME) to run to the ladies room to get sick. He sends me to the car with the bags and goes to the next store without me, we both agree this is probably a good thing.

I still have one more stop, and a stop with a line. I wish I had some form of "crazy bitch let me pass" sticker. If they made one I would qualify, and I don't think people would necessarily mind letting the crazy bitch pass. Just my humble opinion. One hour later. I survived.

The moral of the story, always take a lot of diazepam, no not really! Well for me, I am allowed. I have a prescription! In a pinch Southern Comfort maybe. Seriously I should not be such a goof, it makes me a bad example or something. Southern Comfort is really not an option EVER. Here is the real moral of the story, if in fact the story has one. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. A "normal" person in an act of kindness would not really think of how much of a spiral changing from a "safe place" to just a place could send a person with agoraphobia or panic. On the road to better all you can do is roll with it. Suck it up Buttercup and keep moving forward!

Love and Light.

PS~I had one of those incidents in the gas station not too long ago. I stepped out of line for a second, as I was going to bolt, but I didn't. My blood sugar was low, really low. I jumped back in line and paid. I looked at the guy behind me and said sorry I had to put my stuff down for a second, and went on my not so merry way. Here is the thing, you don't know. You just don't know what that person in front of you or behind you is having an issue with. Try to be kind. Try to be understanding. I have ended up on the floor foaming at the mouth(sexy), bleeding from my head. Try to be kind, Try to be understanding if not because you are a good person and it is the right thing to do, do it so you don't get blood on your shoes.

Why do we eat hummus?

The other day I asked a friend "Why do we eat hummus" , I know that is is supposed to be good for you, her response was simply "Because the Zohan said so", this naturally amuses the hell out of me.

Hummus is a Middle Eastern and Arabic food dip or spread made from cooked, mashed chickpeas blended with tahini, olive oil, lemon juice, salt and garlic. Hummus is high in iron and vitamin C and also has significant amounts of folate and vitamin B6. The chickpeas are a good source of protein and dietary fiber. Hummus is useful in vegetarian  diets; like other combinations of grains and pulses, it serves as a complete protein when eaten with bread. I just don't know about all of that, I have been learning to try an like hummus as it is good for me, actually i will continue to try and stomach the hummus because the Zohan said so!

My "dietitian" (whom I have not seen in ages) is also a strong pusher of the ever popular Greek yogurt food trend. I can't even hold that in, so unless John Stamos shows up and hand feeds it to me in a loin cloth, it just isn't happening.

The most useful tip I have gotten in a long while was pick up the probiotics. I did and after just a few days I feel something changing, I was taking one of those lovely yogurt products that shall remain nameless but taste like sawdust is infused into it, YUCK.

So that was my random thought of the day. Really not so random, if you suffer from agoraphobia or panic chances are your stomach is just a hot mess so diet is an important factor too. Pick up the probiotics it is a worth while investment.

Happy Saturday!
Love and Light.

Friday

Greetings

I was thinking about going out to see my friend Chuck play this weekend again but after opening up my 350.00 energy bill, I guess I will be staying home.

Seriously was not expecting that, I had to go meditate and listen to some soothing music, which improved my mood some. I have been cold all winter, my windows are all wrapped in plastic, and 350.00. Please keep in mind my house is the size of an apartment basically, a really small 2 bedroom house, everything on one floor...I mean REALLY.

Prior to opening the mail I had a lovely lunch with just me and my Dad. We rarely do that so it was nice.

Phobia Fun Fact:

Medically, phobias are classified as an anxiety disorder. Phobias are generally divided into five types:

1. Phobias of animals (snakes, spiders, dogs)
2. Phobias of the natural environment (thunder, lightening, water)
3. Phobias of blood / injection / injury ( seeing blood, getting a shot, going to the dentist, or having a medical procedure)
4. Phobias that are situational (high places, driving, flying)
5. Other phobias are phobias that don't fit into any of the other four categories (fears of swallowing, blushing, or vomiting).

Agyrophobia: fear of crossing streets, highways and other thoroughfares; or fear of streets themselves. Agyrophobia comes from the Greek "gyrus" meaning turning or whirling.

 

Gephyrophobia: fear of crossing bridges. Their fear can be a combination of claustrophobia (fear of close spaces) and acrophobia (the fear of heights). Phobic drivers may worry so much about being in an accident or losing control of their vehicles that they avoid driving or actually create the very accident they are trying to avoid. High bridges over waterways and gorges can be especially intimidating. Very long or narrow bridges can also be particularly problematic. When I was seven years old we drove to Disney World in Florida. Although I did not have a phobia of bridges, I do remember feeling a sense of anxiety while travelling on the bridges that seemed to go for miles over the Everglades. Fear of bridges is a relatively common phobia. "Gephyrophobia" comes from the Greek words "gephyra" which means bridge. Also listed as Gephysrophobia.

 

I have been going out and running my errands, I faced the Wal-Mart again. I had the crushing in my chest, shakes, and all of that wonderment, but I managed. I did not run. I finished my shopping as normally as any one else who goes into a Wal-Mart.

 

Hope you have an enjoyable weekend. Try to do something for you. Try to do something positive, and most of all try and have some fun.

 

Love and Light.

Powerless

Greetings,

I have a special person in my life who I have known almost forever, but our relationship has had its ebbs and flows. We have been communicating online for about five years, the sad thing of it is we live just a few blocks from one another. Oddly enough, that his been consistent for the most part with in all of our moves, we always end up living relatively close to one another. She too suffers from agoraphobia and panic, so even though we are a few blocks from one another we cannot manage to connect.

"An agoraphobia sufferer may eventually have a very restricted lifestyle. In severe cases the person will never leave the house and is dependent on other people. Being housebound usually means the patient's job prospects are severely limited. His/her social life, opportunities for education and learning new skills, walking the dog, running errands, or taking part in various daily activities are affected.

People with untreated agoraphobia have a much higher risk of developing depression, further anxiety disorders, and turning to alcohol or other substances. " ( Nordqvis ,2009)

I am at a point where I could go to her house, I would need some one to take me, but I could certainly do it. But I am not in her safe zone. I am not in her comfort zone. I wish so much I could help her in some way. I have invited her to come here, but that is not something she is able to do. I know at least a little part of her wants to. In the summer I think she would have enjoyed my shaded backyard filled with flowers. I think she would have enjoyed floating around in my little pool. I think being able to spend some time together, being able to laugh and be silly would do us both a world of good. I think we could join forces and make one another stronger.

If you are reading this my friend, I hope you are not angry that I posted it. I have kept it as impersonal as possible, but please know I love you and I am here for you.

"Feeling trapped, stuck, or stifled is a horrible feeling. We feel powerless and out of control. We know that we don’t want to be where we are, but either we don’t know where it is we would rather be, or we have no idea how to get there. It can seem impossible to take even the first step towards a destination that seems so very far away." -Amanda Harvey lifecoach http://www.choosing-life-my-way.com/feeling-trapped.html


Don't give up!
Love and Light.

Middle of the night and here I sit...

Greetings

Yesterday was a good day. I got together with Dawn we had a lot of catching up to do. We visited from 3:30 - 8:00 and time went by quickly. If she didn't have children to tend to and work today we could possible still be sitting here.

I told her about the agoraphobia and the panic and it is nice to be remembered as a go girl who loved an adventure. People don't see me that way any more, as I am not that way any more, but in spending time with her I remember how much I want to be that carefree person again. So I guess keep on trying one day at a time.

She makes me feel inspired and she makes me feel young, like anything is still possible. When we were in high school we would skip out and go sit at Hardees with our spiral notebooks, writing poetry or lyrics, how ever you want to look at it. We would make such big plans, it is too bad we never got the opportunity to make any of those dreams realities together. Once upon a time we were going to open a night club( an existing bowling alley) and make it  funkadelic from top to bottom. We were really goal driven teenagers, sadly the attendance office did not see it that way. But life happens. She got married pretty quick out of high school and became a domestic goddess and mother of two. She has actually done a lot of cool things with her life but it is not my place to get too personal about her life on my blog.

We talked about family and friends, we talked about her Mom, may she rest in peace, that woman had an impact on my life. She was not in my life personally very long but she was an amazing woman. Politically active and aspiring writer. I always thought she was so cool upstairs drinking her coffee, typing away on the next manuscript, and occasionally sashaying her way down the stairs to make chocolate chip pancakes. She was a woman who inspired me.

After Dawn left I climbed into bed and wrote, maybe it is time to pick up a new spiral notebook again. How I wish I could find my old one.

Do you have an old friend you have not seen in ages, maybe you are afraid to reach out? It could be for reasons of vanity( yeah I had to own that one) it could be because you are afraid of what that person might think about your mental situation; your panic your agoraphobia. Don't let it stop you. One of the most theraputic things I think I have done for myself is seeing Dawn. She didn't judge, and she was a gentle reminder of everything I was and every thing I still could be.

Be kind to yourself.
Love and Light

Coming out of the closet so to speak...

Greetings,

Today I put a face to the name. I tried to keep this semi private, I didn't want to embarrass my son(as I only do refer to him as my son in the blog), or my family, or maybe even myself. I wanted to help people by sharing my life but for this moment I am really going to commit. You can see my face. I am not sure if this will be a permanent fixture on my profile and I will admit I am feeling a bit anxious now that I have done it.

 

Physical symptoms of agoraphobia

Sufferers will usually only experience the symptoms when they find themselves in a situation or environment that causes them anxiety. Physical symptoms are rare because most people with agoraphobia avoid situations that they believe will trigger panic. When symptoms do occur, they may include:

• Accelerated heart beat.
• Rapid and shallow breathing (hyperventilating).
• Feeling hot, flushing.
• Stomach upset.
• Diahrea.
• Trouble swallowing.
• Breaking out in a sweat.
• Nausea.
• Trembling.
• Dizziness.
• Feeling light headed, as if one were about to faint.
• Ringing in the ears.

Psychological symptoms of agoraphobia

These symptoms are sometimes related to the physical symptoms:

• Fear that people will notice a panic attack, causing humiliation and embarrassment.
• Fear that during a panic attack their heart might stop, or they won't be able to breathe, and may die.
• Fear that the sufferer himself/herself is going crazy.

        

• Feeling a loss of control.
• Depression.
• General feeling of dread and anxiety.
• Thinking that without the help of others the sufferer himself/herself would never be able to function or survive.
• Dread of being left alone.
•  Low self-confidence and self-esteem.

(Medical News Today, 2009)

Just a little reminder about what this is all about. Not just simply MY life, many people suffer from anxiety and agoraphobia.

For me the therapy and the medication really has not done much of anything, it is really just putting yourself out into the world and trying to manage it. Some days are good. Some days are really really bad. I have been doing a little bit better as of late and yesterday I was in Wal-Mart and it started, the panic, the anxiety, that crushing feeling in my heart, my compulsive need to check my blood sugar...all of it, and I have been doing so good. I guess it as simple as that old AA "One Day At A Time". That is all we really can do just take it one day at a time and do the best we can.

Love and Light