Your Blood~My Blood~Our Blood

Greetings,

Anxiety is the quality or state of mind wherein a person is anxious, worried, nervous, uneasy, or apprehensive about some forthcoming event, such as a surgery.  Yes. Almost everyone has some degree of anxiety before having a surgical procedure. Some people have more anxiety than others. Medications that reduce anxiety are known as anxiolytics. Relatively small doses of the group of drugs known as benzodiazepines, which includes alprazolam (Xanax), diazepam (Valium), flurazepam (Dalmane), lorazepam (Ativan), midazolam (Versed), and triazolam (Halcion) can reduce anxiety. Usually it has been my experience that they try and start me out with a little diazepam, and my response is “Umm, I need that to go to the grocery store.”. I find Lorazepam to be a pretty good alternative for me, as I can’t really tell I am on it. I am just rather apathetic to whatever is going on. During my last MRI I was given Lorazepam and I didn’t even realize it was doing anything I just thought I was particularly calm and impressed with myself, until I stood up, fell down(twice) and waved bye bye to the hospital staff, but I was doing it backwards like a baby would. I was essentially waving at myself and realized Lorazepam was some pretty good stuff. Many meds don’t agree with me personally, so it is really a personal issue that you need to work out with your Doctor and figure out what works best for you. Just remember an anesthesiologist should be present whenever a patient is given general anesthesia. Anesthesiologists are specialists who are trained in the safe use of dangerous anesthetic drugs. General anesthesia is quite safe when provided by an anesthesiologist.

In 2007 a movie called AWAKE came out. The story focuses on a man who suffers "anesthetic awareness" and finds himself awake and aware, but paralyzed, during heart surgery. It was written and directed by Joby Harold. In extremely rare cases, a patient can become conscious during surgery and subsequently recall what occurred. This experience, referred to as “intraoperative awareness,” or anesthesia awareness, is estimated to occur about 1 to 2 times per every 1,000 uses of general anesthesia. Most patients do not experience any pain due to intraoperative awareness. My first anesthesiologist had no clue what movie I was babbling about but he reassured me that yes this can in fact happen BUT rarely does and usually is only in the case of people having heart surgery as they have to be kept closer to twilight, they have to be kept closer to awake in case of cardiac failure so they can be resuscitated if necessary. I was not having heart surgery and he told me no way was this going to happen to me so I kind of stopped listening, and he basically made me unconscious pretty soon after.

“What Anesthesia Awareness Is and Steps To Take If You Experience It

• In the past 20 years, developments in anesthesia have dramatically improved patient safety and comfort during surgery. But even though intraoperative awareness is rare, its occurrence can be very disturbing and traumatic for some patients.
• Awareness can range from brief, hazy recollections to some specific awareness of your surroundings during surgery. Most patients experiencing awareness during surgery usually do not feel any pain. Some patients may experience a feeling of pressure.
• Patients who dream during surgery, or who have some perception of their surroundings before or after surgery, may think they have experienced intraoperative awareness. But such a sensation or memory does not necessarily represent actual awareness with recall during the surgical procedure.
• Some procedures are performed under local or regional anesthesia with modest levels of sedation. In these circumstances, deep unconsciousness is not intended, and patients will predictably have varying levels of recall of events and surroundings without experiencing surgical pain. Your anesthesiologist will clearly explain exactly what you should expect to experience.
• Intraoperative awareness can occur in high-risk surgeries such as trauma and cardiac surgery, when the patient’s condition may not allow for the usual dose of anesthetic drugs to be given. In those instances, the anesthesiologist will weigh the potential for awareness against the need to guard the patient’s life or safety. The same is true during a delivery by cesarean section, particularly if it is an emergency delivery. The usual doses of anesthetic drugs may not be the safest for the mother or child.
• Research shows early counseling after an episode of awareness is vital to lessen feelings of confusion, stress, or trauma associated with the experience. Alert your health care team as soon possible if you feel you had an episode of anesthesia awareness.
• Patients should talk with their anesthesiologist before surgery to discuss all of their concerns, including the remote possibility of awareness during surgery. These physicians work to ensure the best possible care of patients in the operating room.” (lifelinetomodernmedicine.org, 2012)

It is okay to be afraid before surgery, just make sure you are informed. Talk to your Doctor, talk to other people, maybe do some research on the internet(this is not always a great thing, my Doctor banned me from internet research for awhile. If you are going to look online look somewhere reputable like the Mayo Clinic).

For me my other big fear was not waking up PERIOD. I am not so much afraid of death or the afterlife but I am/was afraid of leaving my child with no parent. His father is already gone. I can’t be gone too. I need to live long and have some grand babies!!!

 Not much whimsy in Agoraphobia Gurl today, I apologize. Today is Holly’s surgery. I know with every fiber of my being she is going to be fine. I know this surgery is going to make her better and stronger. It is just hard when she is scared and vulnerable. I know she was having second thoughts last night, and I understand. So today I sit and wait for the phone call telling me she is okay, and then I can breathe again…

Love and Light!

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

- Dr. Seuss

 

Reference

Q&A: Anesthesia Awareness During Surgery retrieved from:

www.lifelinetomodernmedicine.com/anesthesia-topics/qa-anesthesia-awareness-during-surgery.aspx - 27k - 2012-03-20

 

 

Get in touch with your inner Madea

Greetings,

I have been doing some thinking about my friend Holly. She has a lot of stressful things going on in her life right now. Her husband is attending school out of state so he is only home on weekends, she has a back surgery coming up, and she is a teacher...GOD BLESS HER, and I don't really need to say more beyond that.
Sometimes she gets worked up, not crazy worked up like me, but worked up. She has issues with anxiety too. She seems to do better with medication than I do, she is still living life.
I think back to times of trouble and stress in my life, I offered her my owl hat for a little while, but I think maybe she just needs to get in touch with her inner Pink. I don't really know if it would be Pink for her, the musician, but Pink kind of kicks ass and takes no crap, and I know she likes Pink.
For me in my times of anxiety my fall black is Madea, I am a strong black woman who is armed and takes no crap either. I love Madea and I draw strength from her. If I am stressed I will tell myself  "I am a strong black woman, I am a strong black woman." Getting in touch with my inner Madea~heller! I realize the visual, a crazy white woman walking around in an owl hat chanting that she is a strong black woman. That is how I roll.
Maybe Holly needs to get in touch with her inner Pink
"I will do what I please, anything that I want
I will breathe, I will breathe, I won't worry at all
You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the why's, will all be crystal clear
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss"
-Pink
Breathe breathe I won't worry~ sounds like pretty good advice to me.
Think Pink Holly! Everything is going to be allright!

Love and Light!

Made a wrong turn, Once or twice
Dug my way out, Blood and fire
Bad decisions, That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way, it's all good", It didn't slow me down
Mistaken, Always second guessing
Under estimated, Look, I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than Fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.

You're so mean,
When you talk, About yourself, You are wrong.
Change the voices, In your head
Make them like you Instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game.
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/pink-perfect-lyrics.html ]
Oh, Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.

The whole world stares so I swallow the fear,
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer.
So cool in line and we try, try, try,
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
We change ourselves and we do it all the time

Why do we do that? Why do I do that?
(Why do I do that?)

[Yeah~, Ohh~ pretty pretty please, Ohh~]

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than Fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.

You're perfect, You're perfect
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than Fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.
-Pink

Love you Holly <3

 

Hat Talisman...maybe not

Greetings,

The tale of the hat talisman continues....

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and ran a few errands, yes on a Saturday, not usually a great plan for this agoraphobic girl. Why, simply every employed human is also doing their grocery shopping and other assorted errands.

Lets face it, I don't do well in large groups of people, hell I don't do particularly good outside of the house period. I am wearing my owl hat, my talisman, my little piece of Sarah from Arizona, and it starts. I am working my way up the frozen vegetable isle and some one comes up to me,
 "Did you make that hat?"
"No, my friend Sarah made it."
"It is really cute."
"Thank you, I really like it too."

This is in  my first isle. This is how the shopping continues. I kind of feel like I am in a parade. Who knew one little crocheted owl hat could make everyone so sociable.

Cut to the checkout, the check out line is a really tricky place for me, this is where I end up doing my cut and run if I have it, but I have looked for all of these friggen coupon items. I will deal with my chest pounding. This woman in the next line over keeps looking at me. It is freaking me out. It doesn't even occur to me it is the hat. But when she starts discussing the hat with the cashier and the both start looking at me, well okay, naturally it is the hat. From the next line over,
"Did you make that? It is an owl right?"
"Thank you, yes it is an owl."
"It is really cute."
"Thank you."....

I am going to be ordering a bracelet this week. (Feel free to order your own owl hat from Sarah's Gypsy Wagon on Etsy!)

Love and Light!

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength".
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Nothing to do today but smile....

Greetings,

The weekend is upon us again. I have a paper I must buckle down and write, which seems to be the on going story of my life.
Tomorrow we will be celebrating my Dad's birthday, really a typical Sunday at Moms only with cake and gifts.
I have been thinking a lot about time passing, and all of the changes that occur with this. Yesterday my little Annie, who is not so little any more, called to tell me she is engaged. Sometimes I look at her and I still see the little girl who was afraid of thunderstorms and carried my baby around like little Miss Mama. Most of the times I look at her and that is still how I see her. Now she is a Mom and getting married to a wonderful young man. I couldn't be happier. When she called me I was holding her sisters little boy in my arms, and he is still a tiny little baby with sweet milky breath. I whispered in his ear, Auntie is getting married as a tear trickled down my cheek.
Where does the time go? It passes by so quickly. When I was a child summers seemed so endless, riding bikes and laying out at the pool. As we get older, especially once we have children it is like years turn into minutes, time passes by so quickly. I vividly can look back and recall all of these key moments in my life, my best will forever be having my baby. My baby who will be 17 this year. My baby who could now lift Annie up and carry her around on his hip. Where did it all go?
Life does not slow down, it keeps on moving, make sure you don't miss it. Make sure you capture those moments. Make sure you capture the joy. The simplest acts; playing in a crunchy pile of leaves, collecting stones at the beach, sharing an ice cream cone eventually end up being cherished memories. Sweet milky kisses being a thing of the past. Live each day with gratitude and without regrets.  Tell people that you love them and tell them why. Make sure you LIVE and LOVE as time is so precious.

Best Wishes Annie and Daniel~I love you both!
Love and Light!

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Happy Valentine's Day

Greetings,

This one will have to be short and sweet. I didn't get much sleep last night, I woke at 2 am for some reason. Today was pretty productive, I worked on some things for my government class. I did some laundry, and dishes...but really who wants to hear about that crap.

Mental health: Yesterday my son and I went to Orange Leaf for frozen yogurt, the place was empty so I didn't do too bad. We went to Target afterwards, that wasn't so hot, but I managed. Today Dean and I went to Red Lobster for lunch. It was PACKED. I thought about ordering a So Co and Diet but I didn't. It was important that I maintained, Dean has been wanting to go for well, years and for one reason or another(me) it has not happened. It was very yummy, and the server was great. This is the first time since my son has been born that I went out without him on Valentine's Day, which may explain a lot about my relationship status over the years. He was like GO MOM, get out! So it is all about me and my crazy self. I was hoping that it would be nice enough to stop at the lake or a park for a little bit, I really need some outside time. I need to feel the sand on my skin and hear the sounds of the waves crashing. I was very optimistic, I even took my camera. It was chilly and raining, which turned to snow, no playing outside. We stopped and got a coffee at Stone Creek, I love Stone Creek. When I was living in Wauwatosa and had the bakery, and my hipster yuppie life, that was one of my weekly stops. Skim hazelnut latte~YUMMO. We also hit the Breadsmith on the way back. They no longer make my olive bread, listen and certainly you can hear the sound of my heart breaking.

"On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Keep on climbing! Hope you had a wonderful day!
Love and Light!

Yee-haw. I'm feeling very into sisters right now.

The power behind the talisman. We have talked about this a little bit in the past. The things we do in the name of healing, and the really fun part is the confused look on the face of your shrink when you tell them about it. I have walked around with rocks in my pocket, a variety of crystals, I have done reike…I am still here. I am not trying to take away from any of the possible healing properties that any of these things may have. I just know what has and has not worked for me. An example of this would be a purple scarf (which is bringing you power and protection) tied around your waist or your head was really nothing more than a fashion statement for me, and not a very good one. I think reike is an amazing thing, but reike is only as powerful as you believe it to be and as powerful and as healing as the hands of the person performing it. I have had one AMAZING reike experience, exhausting and life changing, done by a couple, after they broke up the power changed. My friend Eileen crochets beautiful items, I am wrapped it a shawl she made me right now, it makes you feel wrapped in her warmth and offers comfort. She also works with Essential oils, and makes some amazing product or potion however you want to look at it.

I think crystal healing has something to offer, but I am a little challenging, so I may not be the best person to judge this. Blue Lace Agate is a gentle, calming stone that brings tranquility, a lessening of anger (even deep anger issues) and a calming of nervousness. Amber serves as a bridge to connect the energies of heaven and earth - of the spiritual and the physical realms. Amber can be used to ground spiritual energies into your physical body and fill it with light. Amethyst has been known for eons of time as the stone of spirituality and the stone to assist in alcohol recovery. It will assist in overcoming any addiction. Angelite can bring serenity, inner peace, and a sense of calm, and is excellent to use when you need to calm down from feelings of overwhelming stress. Spectrolite brings forth each person's strengths, originality, aids sleep, relate to others. Spectrolite is thought to bring good luck.

“Your badge - it's just a star, just another symbol. Your talisman. It can't stop criminals in their tracks, can it? It has power because you believe it does. Wish you could believe in me.” –Sally Owens(Practical Magic,1998) The power you put behind the talisman, my friend Sarah recently started crocheting and is selling items on Etsy. She also makes beaded jewelry(which I am going to have to order something for summer). I ordered a colorful beanie and an owl hat. I am pretty sure that Sarah has actually worn this owl hat in one of her You Tube videos(please do not correct me if I am wrong). When my package from Sarah’s Gypsy Wagon arrived and I realized what it was I was screaming like a girl at a Justin Beiber concert. I tore into my package and plopped my owl on my head and was running around the house like the Thundercats or possibly the Wondertwins. I was screeching about the power of the hat, while Dean and my kid looked at me like I was insane. My new lucky talisman. Sarah has been a mentor of sorts and she is just an amazing girl, so this little piece of something she made with yarn gave me that little extra push out the door. Thank you Sarah!

"But there are some things I know for certain: always throw spilt salt over your left shoulder, keep rosemary by your garden gate, plant lavender for luck, and fall in love whenever you can."-Sally Owens(Practical Magic, 1998)

 

Love and Light!

Ebbs and flows

Greetings,

The beginning of a new week, maybe the start of something new. I managed to go out Saturday and Sunday this weekend at least for a little while on Sunday. Sunday we went to Denny's, my son really just wanted to eat at McDonald's and perhaps that is what we should have done. We have established that Denny's is in my comfort zone, but man how do you jack up a hamburger like that? I ordered a patty melt, which I often do, and it comes slathered in what they are calling "El fresco" sauce, which is thousand island and ketchup. Which never in my 44 year of life have I been served a patty melt with El fresco sauce on it, not even last week at the very same Denny's. Naturally the server and the manager have to argue with me and tell me every other time I have had a patty melt at Denny's(again same friggen Denny's) it has been made incorrectly. I don't want to order a new one as it took at least a half an hour to get the first one. I march up to the manager saying okay we need to do something about this, she starts with giving me 4.00 off my 8.00 hamburger that I won't eat because it tastes like ass...the moral of the story, I went and handled it. I did end up getting more taken off the bill, but I left Denny's hungry and kind of pissed. So I had two outing this weekend where I was relatively fine, on Friday I was babysitting, in my living room I had a panic attack. I started worrying about what if my blood sugar got low. Which has happened before, not with this baby, but with other babies, the normal protocol is I get my son or Dean and drink some juice. Generally speaking I don't usually need either of the guys it is just a safety measure until my blood sugar raises back up. Lily is just old enough to get it at this point. I say I need a juice break and we are good to go. It was just weird, I started having an anxiety attack for no reason. If I would have gotten low everything would have been fine. Nothing would have happened to the baby. So two good days out and one freak out at home, the ebbs and flows of anxiety and agoraphobia.

"Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress.”

Bruce Barton Anxiety is often driven by anticipation. Try not to indulge thoughts about what could happen. Allow your thoughts to focus on what you are doing now or where you are now. Stay out of the past and out of the future. If you "stay in the now," your anxiety level will come down. If you are anticipating upset, planning your escape, checking your watch or thinking about past "failures," your anxiety level will go up. Focus on your immediate surroundings to help you stay in the present, (e.g., colors, textures, the details of a conversation, etc.). Tell yourself: "Stay in the here-and-now." "Keep your feet on the floor." "Keep your mind where your body is." "What am I doing now? What do I need to do now?" "I'll deal with that when the time comes." I am the QUEEN of anticipation, I can anticipate myself into a demonic roller coaster ride in like 2 minutes. Just remember to BREATH and try and push forward. Keep pushing yourself in a positive direction, for me it is out the door. The more I walk out the door the closer to free I become. Don't get me wrong, my program is far from perfect. I might be able to go to Denny's but I still can't walk around my block by myself. One day at a time, one step at a time. Just keep trying.   Love and Light.

Saturday

Greetings,

Hope all is well, very chilly night here in the midwest! I have been super busy between school, babysitting, and just life.

Today was a pretty good day I have to say. I ran my errands with Dean this morning. I had to go to pharmacy and  the library. I went into the library by myself and I was fine and it was actually busy.

This afternoon/evening I went out with my Sister. It was a lot of fun. We went to Half Priced Books, neither of us actually ended up buying any books for ourselves. I am not sure that has ever happened to me before. I was a little anxious in the store it was busy, but I don't think you could tell I was anxoius. I have this new "fidget" when I am nervous I play with my braid. I have been wearing a braid a lot. So I focused on fidgeting with my hair. We went to Penzy's. I love Penzys. Great spices and they are available online, check them out! I spent WAY too much money today. After Penzys we went to the Mall. Yes I went to the mall on a Saturday night!!!! I did not freak. I did not die. I actually had fun, and I didn't fidget with my hair too much. I feel really good. YAY me. Thanks Sis.

Hope you get out and do something fun!
Love and Light!