Thanksgiving

Greetings~

What a busy week! Hopefully you took some time to think about what the holiday was about. Giving Thanks~gratitude. It was kind of funny, we went to church Wednesday night, and I am not sure that I have ever seen such a small group of people sitting in that place of worship. Everyone “too busy”. I am glad I got to share that message, that moment with those around me. The sermon was a message of thanks and a message of family-a nice reminder. 

On Thursday I spent the day at my Mom’s. It was a lovely HUGE meal. I ate way too much. As we were leaving I wondered how do the Black Friday shoppers do it, because Black Friday is apparently starts on Thursday at 5 pm now. I really did not have the energy to be waddling around a store, nor the desire. When I was growing up one gas station was open, everything else was closed. It was time for family and giving thanks. Food, family, fun-you interacted, you engaged, you probably ate too much.

Friday (none of the Black Friday stuff here-can you see Agoraphobia Gurl at the mall on Black Friday?) Dean’s Dad came over for our little Thanksgiving celebration. As I was cleaning the house, putting the pork loin on the rotisserie, whipping up cheesy potatoes, and all of the other necessary pre Thanksgiving day necessities I hoped I had thanked my parents and sister for all of the work they had done the day before! A few more people should have been sitting around that table.

When the holidays roll around I really miss my Grandparents, they have been gone for so many years. I wish I would have taken more time. Everything else seemed so much more important, when I was younger and time seemed infinite. I thought I had forever with my Grandparents, but we don’t have forever so it is important to make phone calls, have visits, show up at the holidays, make sure “I love you” is said and known-we take so much for granted and time slips away so quickly. Live without regret.

The weekend continues-more activities.

Just remember to take some time to reflect upon what we have and who we have to be thankful for : )

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

Happy Birthdays to my Annie and Rachel-I love you both!

A Thing of Beauty

A Thing of Beauty

Greetings~

I was at a birthday party this weekend and in the midst  all of the chaos and other assorted “goodies” that go on at a gathering I witnessed something beautiful. “Rick” and “Rhonda”- I am not sure when they got divorced or when he remarried, I do remember the necessity of two baby showers when grandchild number one came along because….well I am sure you get where that is going. Today I saw two people who once upon a time loved one another (and I am sure in a special way they still do), got married, created a family come together for just a moment. We can always do cordial- at least we have managed to for the last 7 years or so, but today it was a coming together. Both have recently lost family, but today we come together for a celebration of life. He walks towards her, that woman he was once married to, that he created a family with and he embraces her. I am uncertain of the words that were exchanged, but whatever the case it was a thing of beauty. A moment of comfort. A moment of love. A moment of friendship. A moment to learn from. Forgiveness and letting go.

“Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.” -Barbara de Angelis

After all is said and done, and the bitterness fades away-two people can sit back with pride in WHAT they created. This family-this big beautiful wonderful AMAZING family!

Cherish each day and give thanks.

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

Dear John.....

Greetings~

November is upon us and the year is flying by. I have not ever done this before but I am going to do a reprise of what I posted last year on November 6^th. More or less…
A word on forgiveness and letting go.
Once upon a time I was married to John, it wasn't always easy, but it wasn't always so bad. We had a lot of good times. We went on road trips, camping, concerts, we laughed. His friends called him Bird Man because his laughter was like a cackling bird (and he loved eagles). 
He died in November, November 6th to be exact, when my son was 5 (he is officially 18-I hate this). I have just been sitting here listening to some music from concerts we attended before Michael was born, or songs he would sing to me as we were driving around. Holidays are hard without him, he brought joy to the holidays. I wish Michael knew that. I wish Michael knew him when he was well. I wish Michael knew him outside of that hospital bed. I wish John were here watching him grow up, teaching him about being a man. John should be the one teaching him how to drive. I still get very angry at this God who takes away Daddy's and babies that just didn't get enough time.
I guess I should get to the point.... " To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And here to I pledge you my faithfulness." That means something, do whatever it takes to make it work. If you can't make it work at least learn to be kind, and learn forgiveness. So many people spend so much time being bitter and being angry at their ex. Let me tell you, it isn't worth it. For as much as that man pissed me off, I miss him and wish he were here being Michael's Dad. If you don't have kids you can just walk away, but if you do have kids you need to learn forgiveness, as long as that child is alive that person you created him or her with is going to be a part of YOUR life. Learn how to deal with it. It is a process, it is painful, but you are forever intertwined. You will have confirmations, communions, graduations from high school, college, your child or children, whatever the case may be, might just get married (and you might actually have to dance with your ex), you might become Grandparents...you are forever intertwined (think before you breed-this is a long term commitment). You need to learn to let go of that anger and that pain. I would do just about anything to have Michael's Daddy here with him. Just because we didn't make it as a couple doesn't mean he doesn't hold a special place in my heart...forever in my heart.
Make each day count and treasure every moment.

Dear  John                                                            
Written by Tommy Shaw


Dear John I knew you 
About as well as anyone 
We were the wild ones 
So sure those days would never end 
Now they're only memories my friend 

Dear John I'll see you 
Some day again 

I swear I saw you 
On a crowded street today 
I almost called your name 
Thinking of all those yesterdays 
Heaven help me 
How I miss my friend 

Dear John I'll see you 
Some day again 

There'll be a celebration 
When all will be revealed 
We'll have a reunion 
High on a hill 

Dear John how are you 
God know it's heaven where you are 
Find some peace there 
May it never end 

Dear John my heart knows 
We'll meet again 
Dear John I'll see you... 
Some day again


                                                                 Fly with The Eagles!

“Because death is the only thing that could have ever kept him from you.” 
―Ally Carter, Out of Sight, Out of Mind

See-I can’t really add much to that. Every year on the special days or on the horrible days (like the 6^{th- )} I wish he were here. I wish my son knew him. Ironically today I ran into one of his old co workers and he didn't recognize me (time flies I guess) he asked me if I was “related” to John’s Mom-and I said “No-I am Laura I was just married to John”. I guess that might not be a very good example of letting go, however I got to share this moment with a guy who was once John’s “enemy”, they became “frenemies”  co-workers, and dare I say friends. He called him a good guy. I agreed. In the big picture letting go of hate and anger is so important because in the grand scheme of things it is mostly bullshit that got you to that place of hate.

“I am always saddened by the death of a good person. It is from this sadness that a feeling of gratitude emerges. I feel honored to have known them and blessed that their passing serves as a reminder to me that my time on this beautiful earth is limited and that I should seize the opportunity I have to forgive, share, explore, and love. I can think of no greater way to honor the deceased than to live this way.” ― Steve Maraboli

You got one shot in this world, and no one lives forever. We always think time is infinite and we have forever, and forever can be gone in a blink of an eye. Nothing is more important than the people we love. Make sure you create time and carve out time because some day you will not have that opportunity, some day you will blink and it will be gone.

Grief is everywhere, it is a part of life. Loss is a part of life. If you know someone who seems alone and hurting-reach out. I am blessed with a huge loving family and wonderful friends but not everyone has that.

I share this “horrible day” with one of my girl friends that I have known since I was 5. She lost her Mom on the 6^th too-what are the chances….her Mom was an amazing woman who loved her family, she was funny, she was passionate and I am so lucky to have known her and lucky to be loved by her too! I am here for you today too my Oldest and Dearest friend-for every moment  I have breathe left in my body, you will never be alone and you will always be loved. Your Mom is with you-she is your Guardian Angel (you have some really bad ass Guardian Angels if you think about it). She is proud of you every day and in every way-she always has been.

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

“But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of going in to every fight with backup, you are going into every fight alone.” 
―  Mitch Albom, For One More Day

Midlife Crisis in the Juniors Department

Greetings~

Happy Saturday! The weekend is finally upon us! As I am sitting here cup of coffee in hand I have realized that I am experiencing some type of clothing crisis. I am wearing my tie dyed jump suit (jump suits are coming back in fashion FYI). I have taken to shopping in the juniors department, because I can! The first purchase was The Mean Girls t-shirt-I love that movie, but it has been expanding and expanding. I am now the proud owner of several Batman t shirts (this would be because this little boy who stole my heart). An Olaf  t- shirt, because really, some people ARE worth melting for. Last time while I was in Kohl’s I found myself in the dressing room jumping up and down into the skinny jeans. Skinny jeans are waning out but I just never had an official pair of skinny jeans, jeggings yes-leggings yes, but skinny jeans…I now have two pair! I am returning one pair because truth be told give me a pair of Mom jeans any day, they really are more comfortable. Once I was chuckling at an old friend who could not embrace getting older or the slow expansion of her mid section-it happens- and was still dressing in the juniors department, trying to squeeze into something she wore 10 years ago. Is that me now? I am a semi attractive older woman, can I say older? Am I “older”? What is older? When I was a kid 30 seemed old, now my friends children that I still refer to as “the girls” are embarking upon 30. When did that happen? I don’t worry about wrinkles or stretch marks. I earned them. They are a badge of my life. They are a badge of courage. They are a badge of being a woman. A wrinkle not only shows I have spent a lot of time thinking but it shows I have spent a lot of time laughing and smiling. My stretch marks, life came out of my body-need I say more?

"Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength." Betty Friedan (1921-2006)

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

IED

Greetings~

Crisp fall day or 80~Welcome to Wisconsin! I made a pot of chili, however that seems inappropriate for 80. Today the Bears and the Packers are playing, this is kind of the perfect day for a Wisconsin born and bred, I really don’t care much about the game, when I was getting tips I cared about the game! A Bloody Mary could possibly inspire me to care about the game….

IED-ever hear about it? Intermittent Explosive Disorder. This is actually something that can go hand and hand with an anxiety disorder (and create one for those living around it). IED is a disorder characterized by explosive outburst and anger.

“Anxiety itself is the activation of the fight/flight response in the body. It becomes a problem when your body activates the response for no reason, or the response is unable to go away. That creates a variety of unwanted physical and mental experiences that make it hard to control your quality of life.

But the fight/flight system is called that for a reason. Once it's activated, it causes people to react with a feeling of needing to flee, or a feeling of needing to fight. Because there are no dangers, most people experience the need to flee. Some people, however, feel an overwhelming desire to fight, and that may be one of the primary causes of anger from anxiety” (Calm Clinic, 2014). We pretty much know that-right? As a person suffering from agoraphobia or an anxiety disorder we hear all about fight/flight. Personally the anger aspect has not been something I have given much thought, but perhaps we should be thinking about it. Does it apply to us personally? Do we know someone with IED? Chances are yes.

What to do about this anger, well the obvious starting point might be anger management classes. This is something your therapist can help you with.  Like anything else, sometimes it helps us to write it down, track the triggers! Journaling, I am a big fan of journaling in general it is a place to put your feelings. Perhaps when we feel this anger coming on we need to leave the situation, and if you know someone is trying to leave the situation, ALLOW THEM TO LEAVE. What is the point in trying to make a point to someone who is not even being rational? Let them go and calm down. Let them have some time before they full on explode. I am horrible at this, I think I am getting better as I get older but I will poke a bear with a stick to get my point across. Not always a smart move. If you are about to lose your cool-slow down and breath. Use our breathing techniques that we have learned in dealing with panic attacks and anxiety. You really can’t take it back once it falls out of your mouth-“STUPID” “LAZY” “WORTHLESS” those words can follow you for a life time. IED does not give us permission for bad behavior, if anything it should give us a kick in the ass to change!

Think before you speak. Think of the damage those words can do.

My Grandpa always made me feel like I was a Princess, all of my life. I got to spend the most time with him before he had his stroke(I wish my sisters were allotted that time too), the stroke changed him, but he still adored me(he adored us all). My little fat baby/toddler self was the most beautiful thing ever. Even when I did some fool thing, he would spin it into a positive. He lifted me up with his love and his words.

We probably all have that “other” relative-“You would be so pretty if you lost 20 lbs”. Can’t I be pretty now?  “You are always walking around with food-you are always putting something in your face” Hmmm-because I have been waiting on you all night SERVING YOU! Lets mix this up even more.

“STUPID”
“WORTHLESS”
“LAZY”
“STUPID”
“WORTHLESS”
“LAZY”…what does this do to the 5 year old –the 6 year old- the 10 year old? It sticks. It stays. It hurts. It changes the psyche.

Words can build you up-

You are smart!

You are AMAZING!

You are wonderful.

I LOVE YOU!

Anger happens but this is part of the disorder YOU MUST CONTROL. I have had moments as a parent I am not proud of. I have had moments as a spouse I am not proud of. I am not perfect, but life is messy enough-we don’t need to hurt our loved ones. Our children will get hurt out in this world without us having to help in the damaging of them. Watch your words. The people around you are watching them…and hearing them.

 

Love and Light!

Agoraphobia Gurl

 

 

 

 

Reference

Calm Clinic (2014) Anger- The Hidden Anxiety Emotion. Retrieved from: http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/anger

 

 

Rollercoaster

Greetings~

I feel a bit like I am drowning. Fall is officially here-which for me begins the dark time. If you follow me you know this is not my best time. I have so much around me that needs to be done, needs to be scheduled, I need to really start thinking about doubling up and doing my online classes and brick and mortar too-but can I? It is not just the financial responsibility can I really guaranty that I am going to get myself to that brick and mortar without too much stress and drama. Stress and drama winds me up in the hospital.

Does fall just bring chaos? Everything seems like a rollercoaster, mostly a bad rollercoaster right now. Yes we have some amazing positives! Pastor Angela Khabeb accepted the call to Ascension. Pastor Angela brings a new flavor and a new spark! As I have been focusing on what we are losing in the church I have a fresh new perspective of what might be some amazing changes in the church. It was wonderful seeing Pastor Bickel who shared in the 65^th Anniversary of the church! It was wonderful looking around seeing familiar faces old and new. The folk choir-who is that man on the piano? Where has he been all my life? Babies being born, nuptials happening or at least being planned-congratulations Megan and Michael, school starting, young adults leaving the nest and going off to college-bittersweet. My Mr. S. is recovering well from his surgery and out and about and celebrating his birthday! AMEN!

Still around us so many bad and unspeakable things-so it does not feel just like my darkness, it feels a bit like an overall darkness. After a long battle with cancer we lost our sister Tracy (I use “sister” in that biblical sense) leaving behind Matt and Madison and many other friends and relatives who loved and cherished her.

I see unspeakable things, things that make you question your faith or people or the morality of the world in general. I see little eyes scared of people that they should be able to trust. I see hands being placed and words being said that can’t be undone.

“I, take________ to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”-I am no pro at this, I can speak from mistakes, I can speak from age, and wisdom. I do know that at no point should hands ever be laid in a harmful or hurtful manner.

“I will cherish our union and love you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together. I give you my hand, my heart, and my love, from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.”

When you cherish you do so without fists or a wicked tongue. Sometimes a wicked tongue is worse (again wisdom and experience prevail here), a bruise or broken bone may heal but the words don’t ever really go away. Respect…

I sign onto Facebook and you can see so much petty and trifling behavior-whatever your religion or lack of. Whatever your belief system, whatever your faith we all basically have one common core. Love one another. Harm None! Respect!

I see people, I talk to people-why do I only have three followers? People write me. People read me. I see a lot of people struggling right now with anxiety, agoraphobia, bad thoughts…I am here. I am here as much as I possibly can be, but reach out to others. Try to take that step. Statistically we know this only gets worse around the holidays so we need to rally into some kind of pre holiday sanity preparation! Keep on trying. Keep on pushing. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

Today-and we should do this every day-take the time to make a list of what you are thankful for. It sounds a bit I don’t want to say lame-but lame, but thinking about gratitude can spread. Thinking about the have’s instead of the have not’s can make life just a little bit easier. Sometimes we feel alone and we feel like we have nothing-but usually this really is not the case. The bright sunshine. A good friend. Music-really simple things we can be grateful for!

Chiari Malformation

Greetings!

Fall is around the corner and football season has begun! The kids are back to school and much time is spent in donating to our local food pantries (which keep on giving) and giving to great causes such as ALS but I want to shine some light on something you may not have heard about, Chiari Malformation. “Chiari malformations (CMs) are structural defects in the cerebellum, the part of the brain that controls balance. Normally the cerebellum and parts of the brain stem sit in an indented space at the lower rear of the skull, above the foramen magnum (a funnel-like opening to the spinal canal). When part of the cerebellum is located below the foramen magnum, it is called a Chiari malformation.

CMs may develop when the bony space is smaller than normal, causing the cerebellum and brain stem to be pushed downward into the foramen magnum and into the upper spinal canal. The resulting pressure on the cerebellum and brain stem may affect functions controlled by these areas and block the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF)— the clear liquid that surrounds and cushions the brain and spinal cord—to and from the brain” (National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, 2014).

What does this have to so with agoraphobia? Nothing directly but chronic pain and distress can certainly cause a bounty of anguish. Which in turn chronic pain and anguish can make you a little crazy.

CM’s was actually in an episode of HOUSE-if Gregory House is giving the diagnosis it is usually some weird exotic disease few people have heard of…so really this is some serious sh#%!

“Individuals with CM may complain of neck pain, balance problems, muscle weakness, numbness or other abnormal feelings in the arms or legs, dizziness, vision problems, difficulty swallowing, ringing or buzzing in the ears, hearing loss, vomiting, insomnia, depression, or headache made worse by coughing or straining. Hand coordination and fine motor skills may be affected. Symptoms may change for some individuals, depending on the buildup of CSF and resulting pressure on the tissues and nerves. Persons with a Type I CM may not have symptoms. Adolescents and adults who have CM but no symptoms initially may, later in life, develop signs of the disorder. Infants may have symptoms from any type of CM and may have difficulty swallowing, irritability when being fed, excessive drooling, a weak cry, gagging or vomiting, arm weakness, a stiff neck, breathing problems, developmental delays, and an inability to gain weight.”  (National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, 2014). Not pretty and hard to pin point a diagnosis. In addition people suffering from CM can also suffer from hydrocephalus, spina bifida, and an overall long list of un pleasantries.

BRAIN
P.O. Box 5801
Bethesda, MD 20824
(800) 352-9424
http://www.ninds.nih.gov

 

http://www.conquerchiari.org/index.html

 

http://www.chiarifund.org/

 

“I ran and ran and ran every day, and I acquired this sense of determination, this sense of spirit that I would never, never give up, no matter what else happened.” -  Wilma Rudolph

Love and Light!

Agoraphobia Gurl

This one is for you Lisa!

 

 

 

Reference

National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke(2014). Retrieved from: http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/chiari/detail_chiari.htm