December 23, 2014

Greetings~

“Let's be grateful for those who give us happiness; they are the charming gardeners who make our soul bloom.” - Marcel Proust

Make sure you take time to reflect on your blessings in this holiday season-big or small. I am blessed by those around me in my circle, my friends and my family but  I have  also been blessed for the greater part of the last 20 years with my amazing Doctor who guides me and during life’s perils has made sure I am still here, Steven J Vacek. He is moving on, so our loss here is to the advantage of the Lone Star State. Texas of all places, that would be a rough commute for me, so sadly I need to let him go. With a very tearful good bye on my part, how do you express gratitude to someone who has saved your life? With a hug and a selfie-yes I really did, we parted ways. I am trying to keep perspective about this-which I am not. However it is my understanding that many of his patients are fluttering around aimlessly like myself not sure how to “replace” greatness. He cannot be replaced. Thank you Dr. Vacek. You have touched many lives and you will be greatly missed. I wish for you happiness on your journey.

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.” –Buddha

Today is my birthday, so I thank my parents for life and I thank Doctor Vacek for keeping me that way!~

Make sure you take some time to reflect, really look at your life and all of the wonderful people in it! You would be amazed how full the glass really is! Be grateful for your Higher Power, be grateful and take time to enjoy the holiday season.

Thanks to all of you~friends, family,  and those who simply took the time to read my thoughts.

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

2 Chronicles 5:13
The trumpeters and musicians joined in unison to give praise and thanks to the LORD. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals and other instruments, the singers raised their voices in praise to the LORD and sang: "He is good; his love endures forever." 

Remembering Hope

Greetings~

Sometimes one must ponder how quickly time truly passes. As we age we become the elders, the wise, the crones. I found myself engulfed in a good conversation with a very old friend that I can’t seem to shake. We spoke about getting older and becoming the next generation of “elders”, in some cases my friends parents, and grandparents have moved from this realm on earth on to the next phase of the journey. We can save discussion of that phase for another occasion. Some of us have already lost spouses. When did we become the “elders”? When did we become the story tellers? Some of us have always been the story tellers, but now we are the keepers of the memories, the keepers of family traditions, we hold onto what is precious and pass it along. Maiden-Mother-and Crone. The Maiden represents the youth, inception, birth, and new beginnings. The Mother represents fertility, power, fulfillment, and stability. The Crone represents wisdom, repose, and some would say death, some may look at it as leaving this phase and moving onto the next. .. like a butterfly leaving its cocoon. The waxing moon, the full moon  and the waning moon.

As she sits wondering how this happened…she is entering the stage of crone(very early stage), the stage of wisdom. She worries how does she do this? How does she pass the memory, the tradition, and the stories to the next generation. I know with all of my being this is something she has been prepared to do all of her life, as she is strong. She is wise. She has always been a story teller, and keeper of memories and treasures. Just as her Mother did before her, with a wisp of smoke in the air and a cup of coffee in hand if you listen hard enough you might just hear the keys clicking away… remembering Hope. As we look around this time of year we can see the word Hope everywhere if we try, if we look. We remember HOPE.

     

Traditions are the guideposts driven deep in our subconscious minds. The most powerful ones are those we can't even describe, aren't even aware of. - Ellen Goodman

It is not just about the tinsel, or mass, it is not about the biscuits and gravy, or the freshly made butterhorn cookies stuffed with apricot filling…it goes much deeper, yet it is all of those things combined. It is about moments, good and bad. It is about sharing, laughter and tears. It is about remembering.

 My hair is silver and I look down at my hands and see the hands of my mother, however my mother’s nails and cuticles would look much better. I don’t feel like an elder, sometimes my body does a little, but inside I am still a maiden, I am still a mother, rich and fertile, plump and ripe. Truth be told both eggs and milk are probably powdered at this point, but whatever the case, I have always been a story teller. I have tried to pass down the stories of my “clan”. I tell the children stories from when me and my sisters were younger. My son knows the stories, he knows the stories of ancestors past that he has never met. He knows the stories of my childhood as if they were fairytale or parable. He listens to the stories that my father shares too, he without a doubt knows more about my Dad than I do. It is interesting hearing the stories of my father as told by my son, he is a memory keeper in training a holder of tradition and all things sacred and special.

Yes my friend, we are getting older. Some of us are becoming heads of our tribes, some of us are still in training, just embrace it. You are not alone in the journey, we can always meet under the red tent or perhaps a Hardees to keep things in perspective.

I am feeling a chocolate chip pancake in my future…

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

"Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning, just give hope a chance to float up, and it will." -Hope Floats

10 days and counting....

Greetings Friends~

Time is ticking away-10 more days till Christmas!

Over the weekend I had the opportunity to enjoy the Advent Concert at Ascension Lutheran Church. How amazing! May your light shine!!! This is what the season is about. We get all wrapped up in gift exchanges, shopping, finding that perfect red cocktail dress or ugly Christmas sweater (did you know you can rent ugly sweaters now?).

In the soft candle light sitting among friends and family. Seeing faces from when I was a young girl still here in this sanctuary. Our own little family, some new faces, some returning friends, Christmas now feels much more complete after seeing our beloved retired Pastor Frank Janzow. I wondered how it would be this Christmas without him, so I feel blessed that I got to give him a squeeze! It was odd watching Mrs. Janzow sitting and observing, for so many years she was the one directing the choir.

The little Angel Choir(so cute), The Joyful Sounds Choir-“A Star A Star Dancing in the Night”….Ray Kinney and his Folk Choir, the musicians magical, the singers faces filled with joy. Ben Janzow and his Celebration Band, Heidi Bischmann and her Handbell Choir,  The Ascension Choir-BEAUTIFUL. Bravo Vicki Taylor-BRAVO! Benhi Khabed on the djembe-might I suggest this become a weekly addition!

 I wish I could name  each and every one of you that participated, because you were all part of the magic. Thank you!

We all don’t feel like celebrating over the holidays so I would like to take this opportunity to mention that at Ascension (located in Waukesha Wisconsin) they will be having a special service, The Longest Night Service On Sunday December 21^st at 6 pm. For those who are suffering loss or missing a loved one this is a safe place where you can feel free to let your emotions flow, it is okay to be sad, hurt, and miss those who have passed. This, like all services are open to everyone.

Whatever you celebrate, let it be Kwanza, Hanukah, Yule, make sure you take the time to enjoy it and absorb the meaning behind it, immerse yourself in it.

Light of Light Eternal!

Be Joyful!

Love and Light!

Agoraphobia Gurl

Thanksgiving

Greetings~

What a busy week! Hopefully you took some time to think about what the holiday was about. Giving Thanks~gratitude. It was kind of funny, we went to church Wednesday night, and I am not sure that I have ever seen such a small group of people sitting in that place of worship. Everyone “too busy”. I am glad I got to share that message, that moment with those around me. The sermon was a message of thanks and a message of family-a nice reminder. 

On Thursday I spent the day at my Mom’s. It was a lovely HUGE meal. I ate way too much. As we were leaving I wondered how do the Black Friday shoppers do it, because Black Friday is apparently starts on Thursday at 5 pm now. I really did not have the energy to be waddling around a store, nor the desire. When I was growing up one gas station was open, everything else was closed. It was time for family and giving thanks. Food, family, fun-you interacted, you engaged, you probably ate too much.

Friday (none of the Black Friday stuff here-can you see Agoraphobia Gurl at the mall on Black Friday?) Dean’s Dad came over for our little Thanksgiving celebration. As I was cleaning the house, putting the pork loin on the rotisserie, whipping up cheesy potatoes, and all of the other necessary pre Thanksgiving day necessities I hoped I had thanked my parents and sister for all of the work they had done the day before! A few more people should have been sitting around that table.

When the holidays roll around I really miss my Grandparents, they have been gone for so many years. I wish I would have taken more time. Everything else seemed so much more important, when I was younger and time seemed infinite. I thought I had forever with my Grandparents, but we don’t have forever so it is important to make phone calls, have visits, show up at the holidays, make sure “I love you” is said and known-we take so much for granted and time slips away so quickly. Live without regret.

The weekend continues-more activities.

Just remember to take some time to reflect upon what we have and who we have to be thankful for : )

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

Happy Birthdays to my Annie and Rachel-I love you both!

A Thing of Beauty

A Thing of Beauty

Greetings~

I was at a birthday party this weekend and in the midst  all of the chaos and other assorted “goodies” that go on at a gathering I witnessed something beautiful. “Rick” and “Rhonda”- I am not sure when they got divorced or when he remarried, I do remember the necessity of two baby showers when grandchild number one came along because….well I am sure you get where that is going. Today I saw two people who once upon a time loved one another (and I am sure in a special way they still do), got married, created a family come together for just a moment. We can always do cordial- at least we have managed to for the last 7 years or so, but today it was a coming together. Both have recently lost family, but today we come together for a celebration of life. He walks towards her, that woman he was once married to, that he created a family with and he embraces her. I am uncertain of the words that were exchanged, but whatever the case it was a thing of beauty. A moment of comfort. A moment of love. A moment of friendship. A moment to learn from. Forgiveness and letting go.

“Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.” -Barbara de Angelis

After all is said and done, and the bitterness fades away-two people can sit back with pride in WHAT they created. This family-this big beautiful wonderful AMAZING family!

Cherish each day and give thanks.

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

Dear John.....

Greetings~

November is upon us and the year is flying by. I have not ever done this before but I am going to do a reprise of what I posted last year on November 6^th. More or less…
A word on forgiveness and letting go.
Once upon a time I was married to John, it wasn't always easy, but it wasn't always so bad. We had a lot of good times. We went on road trips, camping, concerts, we laughed. His friends called him Bird Man because his laughter was like a cackling bird (and he loved eagles). 
He died in November, November 6th to be exact, when my son was 5 (he is officially 18-I hate this). I have just been sitting here listening to some music from concerts we attended before Michael was born, or songs he would sing to me as we were driving around. Holidays are hard without him, he brought joy to the holidays. I wish Michael knew that. I wish Michael knew him when he was well. I wish Michael knew him outside of that hospital bed. I wish John were here watching him grow up, teaching him about being a man. John should be the one teaching him how to drive. I still get very angry at this God who takes away Daddy's and babies that just didn't get enough time.
I guess I should get to the point.... " To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And here to I pledge you my faithfulness." That means something, do whatever it takes to make it work. If you can't make it work at least learn to be kind, and learn forgiveness. So many people spend so much time being bitter and being angry at their ex. Let me tell you, it isn't worth it. For as much as that man pissed me off, I miss him and wish he were here being Michael's Dad. If you don't have kids you can just walk away, but if you do have kids you need to learn forgiveness, as long as that child is alive that person you created him or her with is going to be a part of YOUR life. Learn how to deal with it. It is a process, it is painful, but you are forever intertwined. You will have confirmations, communions, graduations from high school, college, your child or children, whatever the case may be, might just get married (and you might actually have to dance with your ex), you might become Grandparents...you are forever intertwined (think before you breed-this is a long term commitment). You need to learn to let go of that anger and that pain. I would do just about anything to have Michael's Daddy here with him. Just because we didn't make it as a couple doesn't mean he doesn't hold a special place in my heart...forever in my heart.
Make each day count and treasure every moment.

Dear  John                                                            
Written by Tommy Shaw


Dear John I knew you 
About as well as anyone 
We were the wild ones 
So sure those days would never end 
Now they're only memories my friend 

Dear John I'll see you 
Some day again 

I swear I saw you 
On a crowded street today 
I almost called your name 
Thinking of all those yesterdays 
Heaven help me 
How I miss my friend 

Dear John I'll see you 
Some day again 

There'll be a celebration 
When all will be revealed 
We'll have a reunion 
High on a hill 

Dear John how are you 
God know it's heaven where you are 
Find some peace there 
May it never end 

Dear John my heart knows 
We'll meet again 
Dear John I'll see you... 
Some day again


                                                                 Fly with The Eagles!

“Because death is the only thing that could have ever kept him from you.” 
―Ally Carter, Out of Sight, Out of Mind

See-I can’t really add much to that. Every year on the special days or on the horrible days (like the 6^{th- )} I wish he were here. I wish my son knew him. Ironically today I ran into one of his old co workers and he didn't recognize me (time flies I guess) he asked me if I was “related” to John’s Mom-and I said “No-I am Laura I was just married to John”. I guess that might not be a very good example of letting go, however I got to share this moment with a guy who was once John’s “enemy”, they became “frenemies”  co-workers, and dare I say friends. He called him a good guy. I agreed. In the big picture letting go of hate and anger is so important because in the grand scheme of things it is mostly bullshit that got you to that place of hate.

“I am always saddened by the death of a good person. It is from this sadness that a feeling of gratitude emerges. I feel honored to have known them and blessed that their passing serves as a reminder to me that my time on this beautiful earth is limited and that I should seize the opportunity I have to forgive, share, explore, and love. I can think of no greater way to honor the deceased than to live this way.” ― Steve Maraboli

You got one shot in this world, and no one lives forever. We always think time is infinite and we have forever, and forever can be gone in a blink of an eye. Nothing is more important than the people we love. Make sure you create time and carve out time because some day you will not have that opportunity, some day you will blink and it will be gone.

Grief is everywhere, it is a part of life. Loss is a part of life. If you know someone who seems alone and hurting-reach out. I am blessed with a huge loving family and wonderful friends but not everyone has that.

I share this “horrible day” with one of my girl friends that I have known since I was 5. She lost her Mom on the 6^th too-what are the chances….her Mom was an amazing woman who loved her family, she was funny, she was passionate and I am so lucky to have known her and lucky to be loved by her too! I am here for you today too my Oldest and Dearest friend-for every moment  I have breathe left in my body, you will never be alone and you will always be loved. Your Mom is with you-she is your Guardian Angel (you have some really bad ass Guardian Angels if you think about it). She is proud of you every day and in every way-she always has been.

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

“But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of going in to every fight with backup, you are going into every fight alone.” 
―  Mitch Albom, For One More Day

Midlife Crisis in the Juniors Department

Greetings~

Happy Saturday! The weekend is finally upon us! As I am sitting here cup of coffee in hand I have realized that I am experiencing some type of clothing crisis. I am wearing my tie dyed jump suit (jump suits are coming back in fashion FYI). I have taken to shopping in the juniors department, because I can! The first purchase was The Mean Girls t-shirt-I love that movie, but it has been expanding and expanding. I am now the proud owner of several Batman t shirts (this would be because this little boy who stole my heart). An Olaf  t- shirt, because really, some people ARE worth melting for. Last time while I was in Kohl’s I found myself in the dressing room jumping up and down into the skinny jeans. Skinny jeans are waning out but I just never had an official pair of skinny jeans, jeggings yes-leggings yes, but skinny jeans…I now have two pair! I am returning one pair because truth be told give me a pair of Mom jeans any day, they really are more comfortable. Once I was chuckling at an old friend who could not embrace getting older or the slow expansion of her mid section-it happens- and was still dressing in the juniors department, trying to squeeze into something she wore 10 years ago. Is that me now? I am a semi attractive older woman, can I say older? Am I “older”? What is older? When I was a kid 30 seemed old, now my friends children that I still refer to as “the girls” are embarking upon 30. When did that happen? I don’t worry about wrinkles or stretch marks. I earned them. They are a badge of my life. They are a badge of courage. They are a badge of being a woman. A wrinkle not only shows I have spent a lot of time thinking but it shows I have spent a lot of time laughing and smiling. My stretch marks, life came out of my body-need I say more?

"Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength." Betty Friedan (1921-2006)

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl