I did my out of the house thing today. Yay me!
I am still feeling growly or owly or something. I guess hormonal will work.
Heavy day but my night ended with laughs.
I say to "baby sitter", " I have never been to 7 Mile Fair I would really like to go."
He responds,"You can't handle Wal Mart" (laughs)
This is becoming an issue.
I say to "baby sitter", "I want to go to Florida. I want to take my Son to Sea World!"
He responds, "I am not going to drag you around "the happiest place on earth" quivering, afraid of people in mouse ears."
Baby sitter aka Safe Person, you were picked because I trust you.
I believe in you. I always believe in you.
I support you emotionally and spiritually.
Please stop crushing mine.
I realize you don't comprehend that is what you are doing, but your words hurt.
I did make it to the second floor of the library today by myself, thank you!
I did have to keep telling myself "I am a strong black woman, I am a strong black woman"
That is one of my favorite mantras. Drawing out my inner Madea or Tina Turner.
(Just for the record, I am white)
I was talking to my sister Heather tonight.
We have a family function coming up, a pretty boo ghetto family function at that.
My darling sister gives me the idea to use my agoraphobia as an excuse.
It is TOTALLY valid. I have a hard time leaving the house but she straight up said
"Tell her you're feeling too agoraphobic." I kind of love it.
This way I can avoid telling her I think she is being a selfish b#@%h and I don't have to go.
So just for today I am feeling just a little too agoraphobic!
I have the blessings from my brother in law as well, and that was priceless!
I love you all so much!
Peace and Love!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Behaving for the most part
I had mentioned in my last post knowing that I need to go do something fun. I have not gone and done anything fun, but I am getting some stuff done.
Yesterday was errands. I had to go to Walgreen's and Wal Mart. This obviously proves my insanity, no sane person chooses to go to Wal Mart on a Sunday afternoon! I did Wal Mart with "baby sitter". If you are actually agoraphobic I apologize. This blog mostly comes from a place of frustration. When I say my baby sitter, it is my safe person. Very important thing to have. Naturally half of the town was in Wal Mart, so I became flustered. Heart pounding and all of that jazz, but I maintained. Walgreen's was by myself, I didn't do too bad, got a little nervous towards the end. BUT I did it and that is what matters.
This morning I had a doctors appointment. My Doc is the most delish creature in a stethoscope, so I managed to make it in to see him. This afternoon I have physical therapy with Maggie, no brainer. Love Maggie I will make it. This was for sure not something I could have done 2 years ago. If I made it out of the house once a day that was it! So little by little some progress is being made.
I will work on the "fun".
Peace and Love!
Yesterday was errands. I had to go to Walgreen's and Wal Mart. This obviously proves my insanity, no sane person chooses to go to Wal Mart on a Sunday afternoon! I did Wal Mart with "baby sitter". If you are actually agoraphobic I apologize. This blog mostly comes from a place of frustration. When I say my baby sitter, it is my safe person. Very important thing to have. Naturally half of the town was in Wal Mart, so I became flustered. Heart pounding and all of that jazz, but I maintained. Walgreen's was by myself, I didn't do too bad, got a little nervous towards the end. BUT I did it and that is what matters.
This morning I had a doctors appointment. My Doc is the most delish creature in a stethoscope, so I managed to make it in to see him. This afternoon I have physical therapy with Maggie, no brainer. Love Maggie I will make it. This was for sure not something I could have done 2 years ago. If I made it out of the house once a day that was it! So little by little some progress is being made.
I will work on the "fun".
Peace and Love!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Isolating
In true form of an agoraphobic I spent my day at home.
I wasn't productive either. If I could pick my "disorder" I would much rather be an OCD neat freak!
I would at least be productive and my house would be clean!
I am very much so feeling edgy. I feel like I am going to snap at some one.
I know I need to get out of the house. I know I need to do something "fun".
I am just like always, feeling trapped. I look out my window and watch life happen.
I think this is how a goldfish must feel, trapped in a little bowl watching life happen.
Winter is the worst time of year for me. The days are so long and dark.
If I didn't have my Son I am not sure I would have the motivation to leave my bed.
I do much better the rest of the year. I love spring. Watching the earth wake up from its long slumber.
Watching everything start to bloom. I love to garden. Getting my hands in the dirt grounds me.
In the summer I can sit in the yard, my tiny chunk of heaven. Listen to the birds sing. Smell the fresh grass. Makes me feel just a little bit more normal.
Here's to hoping you got out of the house and had some fun today!
Peace and Love.
I wasn't productive either. If I could pick my "disorder" I would much rather be an OCD neat freak!
I would at least be productive and my house would be clean!
I am very much so feeling edgy. I feel like I am going to snap at some one.
I know I need to get out of the house. I know I need to do something "fun".
I am just like always, feeling trapped. I look out my window and watch life happen.
I think this is how a goldfish must feel, trapped in a little bowl watching life happen.
Winter is the worst time of year for me. The days are so long and dark.
If I didn't have my Son I am not sure I would have the motivation to leave my bed.
I do much better the rest of the year. I love spring. Watching the earth wake up from its long slumber.
Watching everything start to bloom. I love to garden. Getting my hands in the dirt grounds me.
In the summer I can sit in the yard, my tiny chunk of heaven. Listen to the birds sing. Smell the fresh grass. Makes me feel just a little bit more normal.
Here's to hoping you got out of the house and had some fun today!
Peace and Love.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Friday
-don Miguel Ruiz"We talk to ourselves constantly and most of the time we say things like: "Oh, I look fat, I look ugly, I'm getting old, I'm losing my hair, I'm stupid, I never understand anything, I will never be good enough, and I'm never going to be perfect." Do you see how we use the word against ourselves?"
Randomly today 3 times I saw this. I was not reading one of his books and I just randomly saw this 3 times. I think maybe I am supposed to share this with you.
I am actually a HUGE fan of don Miguel Ruiz and have read most of his work, and own most of his work. I think he is amazing. I suggest The Four Agreements with the Companion Workbook.
When I was a younger, but not so long ago, I had a habit of beating myself up like that. I was being very critical of myself. ALWAYS.
His words are true, It is also common sense. I think his work is a great read for everyone, but it does not cure you of agoraphobia! At least it didn't cure me. It does help you gain some perspective on life and helps with having a healthier attitude.
No matter what, it is so important to love yourself and be kind to yourself! If you don't, you can't always count on some one else for love or kindness. Take a moment to think about what makes you wonderful!
Peace and Love
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Just chill
Just chill.
Just stop.
Really? If I could don't you think I would?
I understand that living with me is not the easiest thing in the world to do.
I realize that "baby sitting" me while I am in the store is not fun.
Just chill.
Just stop.
Honestly if I hear it one more time I might just beat the crap out of you!
Really? You were just joking around.
I am just being "sensitive".
Yes, actually I am sensitive. YOU are apparently not.
This is MY life. I am sorry if my mental illness is putting you out.
You do get to walk away from it.
You leave, the problem goes away.
My problem doesn't leave me. It is with me always.
If I could be "normal" I would be.
I once was a very strong woman.
I was physically strong.
I was mentally strong.
I would rather be that woman.
I do not need to be any ones charity case.
If my existence is such a pain in your ass~LEAVE.
I am a good Mom.
I am a good friend.
I am some one you can count on.
Can people count on you?
Peace and Love
Just stop.
Really? If I could don't you think I would?
I understand that living with me is not the easiest thing in the world to do.
I realize that "baby sitting" me while I am in the store is not fun.
Just chill.
Just stop.
Honestly if I hear it one more time I might just beat the crap out of you!
Really? You were just joking around.
I am just being "sensitive".
Yes, actually I am sensitive. YOU are apparently not.
This is MY life. I am sorry if my mental illness is putting you out.
You do get to walk away from it.
You leave, the problem goes away.
My problem doesn't leave me. It is with me always.
If I could be "normal" I would be.
I once was a very strong woman.
I was physically strong.
I was mentally strong.
I would rather be that woman.
I do not need to be any ones charity case.
If my existence is such a pain in your ass~LEAVE.
I am a good Mom.
I am a good friend.
I am some one you can count on.
Can people count on you?
Peace and Love
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Where do you love to be?
Today was an errand day. It wasn't bad. I went to Wal Mart, which is usually a hard spot for me, but I maintained. I went to the library. I have always loved the library, ever since I was little. When my Son was little it was one of his favorite place's, we would spend hours at the library. Generally now I try to order the books online and just go in and pick them up. If I wander too far my chest starts pounding and I start to shake. It would be wonderful to be able to wander as I once did. I love the smell of the library. I love how cozy it is.
The one place lately I have been managing to get myself to is physical therapy. I have been having issues with my shoulder for several months and I love my PT. Maggie is like a good friend. I love chatting with her. That is one of my highlights of the week. I feel the anxiety going up/down in the elevator but the joy of visiting with her makes it worth the trip! I say this about a woman who twists my arm in unnatural and painful ways, so really she does have a sparkly personality.
Maybe that is the key to out the door. Where do you love to be? I really don't know. This is my daily struggle. If I had the answers I would probably be at the mall right now! : )
Peace and Love
The one place lately I have been managing to get myself to is physical therapy. I have been having issues with my shoulder for several months and I love my PT. Maggie is like a good friend. I love chatting with her. That is one of my highlights of the week. I feel the anxiety going up/down in the elevator but the joy of visiting with her makes it worth the trip! I say this about a woman who twists my arm in unnatural and painful ways, so really she does have a sparkly personality.
Maybe that is the key to out the door. Where do you love to be? I really don't know. This is my daily struggle. If I had the answers I would probably be at the mall right now! : )
Peace and Love
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Welcome
I am doing this in hopes that some one may get some comfort out of my chaos.
Once upon a time I led a very active life. I could go to the mall with my Son. I could go dancing with my friends. I worked just as hard as I played.
I think it started with a head injury, but no one is certain. Everything became so hard and so frightening.
I refused to consider anxiety as an option. It was low blood sugar(I am diabetic). It was the lights. It was seizures...but I was not having anxiety attacks! I could not wrap myself around that. At one point I could not go into the grocery store and finish shopping. Thank Heavens for Peapod!
One day I just kind of stopped. I just stopped living .This has been going on for about 10 years. Not great when you have a kid that you would like to turn out semi normal. No more mall trips, no more fairs.
I have seen several therapists and psychiatrists, I am not really wild about psychiatrists by the way. Psych meds either, you know the reaction portion of the label where it says you can get tremors, hives,dry mouth, and all of that lovely stuff. I usually get it.
I have found a therapist that I like. Shout out to Doctor Bob. For the record I am not supposed to call him Doctor as he is not an MD but I am rebellious like that. I am on some meds that are doing a little something.
I have several people in my life that have had issues with anxiety and suffered from panic attacks AND they are better. I am happy for them, but I am also jealous. I don't like being this agoraphobic girl.
I miss the old me. I was fun! I want her back!
I have to take it one step at a time and make myself walk out that door. It has been a very slow process trying to find my way back to me. I did take my Son to the fair this year. : )
One Day At A Time
Love and Peace
Once upon a time I led a very active life. I could go to the mall with my Son. I could go dancing with my friends. I worked just as hard as I played.
I think it started with a head injury, but no one is certain. Everything became so hard and so frightening.
I refused to consider anxiety as an option. It was low blood sugar(I am diabetic). It was the lights. It was seizures...but I was not having anxiety attacks! I could not wrap myself around that. At one point I could not go into the grocery store and finish shopping. Thank Heavens for Peapod!
One day I just kind of stopped. I just stopped living .This has been going on for about 10 years. Not great when you have a kid that you would like to turn out semi normal. No more mall trips, no more fairs.
I have seen several therapists and psychiatrists, I am not really wild about psychiatrists by the way. Psych meds either, you know the reaction portion of the label where it says you can get tremors, hives,dry mouth, and all of that lovely stuff. I usually get it.
I have found a therapist that I like. Shout out to Doctor Bob. For the record I am not supposed to call him Doctor as he is not an MD but I am rebellious like that. I am on some meds that are doing a little something.
I have several people in my life that have had issues with anxiety and suffered from panic attacks AND they are better. I am happy for them, but I am also jealous. I don't like being this agoraphobic girl.
I miss the old me. I was fun! I want her back!
I have to take it one step at a time and make myself walk out that door. It has been a very slow process trying to find my way back to me. I did take my Son to the fair this year. : )
One Day At A Time
Love and Peace
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