Projecting Backwards

Greetings,

Today my son turns 18. It has not been an easy ride, he has experienced great loss and great tragedy. This has built the man he has become, he is strong, he is a fighter, he is compassionate, he is a man you can count on. This is someone you want as a friend or on your side in a fight. He does not walk away from what he values, he treasures what is important-important is love and life. He learned these things because of all of the people who have come and gone out of his life with such carless disregard. However it has made him an amazing man. Truly amazing!

When he was little one of his lullabies was Beautiful Boy by John Lennon.

 “Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime” (Lennon, 1980)

So we are here now-you are officially an adult. I would like to hit the rewind button, perhaps hit pause. It all slipped past too fast. I don’t know what I was thinking? Coming of age is not all that is cracked up to be. Milky baby’s breath, first bike rides, first kisses, first sleep over’s-that is some good stuff. Letting go sucks! I realize that was the intended purpose. We raise you to be the best you can be and we let you go out into the world to spread your wings and fly. It is all crap and I am not ready for it. The big grown up world is filled with bills and work and really not enough time for Mama I am thinking.

“Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While you’re busy making other plans” (Lennon, 1980)

This I know to be true! Life didn’t exactly follow the path I thought it would however I wish I would have spent less time working and more time raising my son. I wish I would have had more time and energy to play, because laundry will never leave you, it will always be waiting. Little boys grow up. Life just happens and in a blink of an eye you can miss so much. Cherish every day and every moment! One minute you are holding them while they sleep, little chests rise and fall. You hear the first words, watch them take first steps…and one day that baby becomes a man(or a woman). I am desperately trying to find that pause button, that rewind button!

We don’t get an instruction manual as we walk out of the hospital with that new precious life or for all of  the magical steps that follow. Letting go can be one of the hardest parts of parenting. Some parents seem so anxious to push them out the door and start with their next step, I don’t think I will every really grasp that. I do know it is my job to let him go, and let him fly. Let him be the man that he was born to be. I just think it sucks!

Happy Birthday my Baby!

Have a Blessed Day!

Agoraphobia Gurl

PS- I wonder where this is going to take my mental health !

 

Reference

Lennon, J. (1980) Beautiful Boy. Geffen Records.