How to Flake Out - An Agoraphobe’s Guide

Greetings,

Every once in a while actually revisiting the intended purpose of the blog is probably a good thing. So I was perusing this morning for something “Insightful” to say, as this is one of my difficult times of year so by no means am I beacon of health and wellness. I stumbled upon something as agoraphobic person that I found amusing, so I thought I should share:

How to Flake Out - An Agoraphobe’s Guide

 

1. Agree to a social outing with an acquaintance.
2. Panic over agreed upon social outing.
3. At the last minute, come up with an almost convincing excuse to flake out.
Examples include:
~My cat is sick.
~I totally forgot that I had homework.
~I actually have to watch The Lord of the Rings extended editions alone today, per doctor’s orders.
~I took too many klonopin and now I have to sleep it off for the next month.

You’re welcome. ( Doctor Donna Darling, 2014).

How absolutely perfect is that! I would never use the excuse of something or someone such as my cat (or my child) being sick to get out of something, I myself feel as if this is bad karmic "juju". Kind along the lines of "if you build it they will come”-I may or may not be wrong about this, but it is not worth the chance. Chances are if I am flaking myself out I have physically made myself sick. You know if you suffer from panic or agoraphobia what I am talking about. One of my shrinks told me “Where do you think the term scared shitless comes from?” Brilliant.  Stomach in knots, nausea building up, sweating…I don’t need to create excuses. I live in the moment, sometimes engulfed in fear.

FAKE IT TILL YOU FEEL IT

"Fake it till you feel it" is probably the mantra I’ve carried with me the longest. I remember writing in a text book a few weeks before I dropped out of the first college I attended. Over the years, the things I’ve been faking have changed- I’ve faked happiness, I pretended that "I’ve got this"… (anxiousovernothing, 2014). Actually a lot of truth lies behind this. A lot of this healing process is essentially faking it. Taking a walk out that door until it doesn’t “hurt” any more. It is like immersion therapy. Immersion therapy is a psychological technique which allows a patient to overcome fears (phobias), but can be used for anxiety, panic, and sexuality disorders as well. This is not always recommended for everyone, and not something intended as a solo starter project. You put yourself into the fear factor, you hate all the people at the mall-you go to the mall. You hate all of the people at the fair-you go to the fair. That sounds big and scary right, but start with your baby steps. Walkout side the door, walk to the mail box, walk down the street just far enough that you can see your house and turn around running when you feel like you are going to vomit. Just take baby steps.

 

 

• Anxiety: hey!
• Me: what now?
• Anxiety: Nothing, just wanted to worry you today.
• Me: ...great
• Anxiety: Hey your boyfriend/girlfriend didn't text you back, they're probably with someone else right now.
• Me: ....
• Anxiety: Oh your best friend hasn't spoken to you today either. They're probably sick of your shit.
• Me: ....
• Anxiety: Your parents said they're really proud of you..do you honestly believe that?
• Me: ....
• Anxiety: Where do you see yourself in a year? Oh wait, you can barely get through a day!
• Me: ...shut up.
• Anxiety: Will you ever rise to anything?
• Me: Shut up!
• Anxiety: Or are you always this pathetic? Lol
• Me: Why can't you leave me alone!?
• Anxiety: Because messing with your head is what I live for. (Author unknown)

TRUTH-damn voices!

So I found these little perils of wisdom on an actual support type group on tumblr. I plan on going back and visiting, and reading some more. Having support and people who can actually relate to your experience makes this world feel a little less lonely.

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

 

Reference
http://agoraphobia-support.tumblr.com/

Vanishing Twin Syndrome

Greetings,

Sometimes we have to face the things that break us and shred us up into little pieces for healing to occur. Sometimes it is easier to just sweep it under the rug and try to ignore the pain and the reminders. I wonder if I am crossing some kind of boundary or betraying my son in some way for talking about it. I wonder if I need to talk about it after all of these years. Vanishing twin syndrome, also known as twin embolisation syndrome, is a condition in which one or more of a set of multiple fetuses disappears from the uterus during pregnancy, doesn’t that sound all sterile and tidy-disappearing, vanishing….people were already buying in twos for me. I still have the two matching bears from Lynn, one brown and one white, they are in many of his baby pictures. Somewhere buried far and away exists an ultra sound picture with two babies. This was long before I became broken, afraid to leave the house-simply afraid. This was when I was strong and fearless, this is when I began to break.

“In the case of a disappearing twin, the second fetus dies and aborts spontaneously. The fetal tissue gets reabsorbed by the mother, the placenta, or the other twin, and seemingly vanishes.

In some instances, rather than being completely reabsorbed, the aborted fetus will remain and become flattened by the remaining fetus. This results in a condition called fetus papyraceus.” (Pregnancy Mom and Baby, 2010). Spontaneously aborts….this is really not making things any better. Your OB-GYN will tell you it is not your fault, but it feels like your fault.

I could not function for the rest of my pregnancy. I could not shop, I could not prepare his nursery, and I didn’t even have a traditional baby shower for my only child, because I couldn’t deal with it.

My baby is 18 now, he always knew he had a twin. He would always talk about it when he was little. I never told him, most people didn’t know-he knew, he knew all on his own.

I had dreams-such vivid dreams. I was running under ground in some kind of maze of tunnels, Michael was in my arms and we were trying to save the other baby. The baby had beautiful curls. I finally had them both in my arms and we running, the doors were so very small, and I had to set Michael down on one side of the door and as I was reaching for the other baby the door slammed shut, our finger tips just out of reach of one another. I couldn’t save them both. I DID NOT SAVE THEM BOTH. I lost one. I let one go. I would wake up sweating and screaming and crying. Visions of this perfect little cherub with curls trying to reach out to Mommy-and I failed.

“If you have been diagnosed as having a vanishing twin, you may be experiencing a variety of emotions. You might feel grief, frustration, or guilt.

Some women feel that they may have done something to cause the condition. Vanishing twin syndrome has not been linked to anything in the mother’s control. It seems to be a spontaneous occurrence, most often due to a chromosomal or placental abnormality.

In most cases, the mother will be able to enjoy a full term healthy pregnancy with the remaining single baby.

Take the time to grieve your loss if necessary, and seek the help of a friend, therapist, or other healthcare provider when needed” (Pregnancy Mom and Baby, 2010). Trust me-just do it.

FYI-this is kind of important too-“If the vanished twin occurs early in the first trimester of pregnancy, which is most frequently the case, and becomes reabsorbed, there are generally few or no complications which result.

If the vanished twin occurs late in the first trimester, or in the second and third trimesters, complications may include premature labor, infection, hemorrhage, and obstruction of the cervix.

In the condition of a vanished twin, there may be an increased likelihood of cerebral palsy in the remaining twin, particularly if the event occurs in the second trimester.

If a fetus papyraceus remains, it is possible that it can block the cervix.” (Pregnancy Mom and Baby, 2010). Michael was a preemie but otherwise perfect.

Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to experience whatever process you need to. You can cry, you can scream, you can be really pissed off at God. I think if I would have seen a therapist or gone to a support group I would have been much better off, perhaps less broken.

The dreams started to subside some when my husband became very ill, before he passed away. It was a long drawn out process-it was horrible. Johns Aunt Vernie called me one day and she was confused. John kept talking to a little girl who was about Michael’s age, if she were to guess, after listening to her a little more I started to cry. I told her Michael was a twin. Apparently John or God named my baby girl (I always assumed her to be a boy), Beverly. Not ever would I have agreed to Beverly, her name was to be Katherine. I cried and I cried. Our baby girl was waiting with him, standing by his side, maybe holding his hand, and he talked to her. When John passed I know he was with Beverly, and I have come to terms with her name being Beverly. I was angry when God took him from Michael, but maybe Beverly needed him. So here on earth I have Michael and in heaven John and Beverly are together. Something tells me a dream is in my near future.

Loss sucks. People try to comfort you. People try to tell you it is God’s will (I have a real hard time with that one). Losing a baby is horrible and hard and life altering. Let it go-allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to feel the pain, talk to friends and family who have shared similar experiences-I say time under that red tent is precious. Try the support group, journal, see a therapist or a Pastor. Do what you have to do. Don’t allow yourself to shatter and break.

Goodnight Sweet Beverly-Mama loves you! Thank you God for Michael!

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

 

 

Pregnancy Mom and Baby (2010) Vanishing Twin Syndrome. Retrieved from: http://pregnancymomandbaby.com/tag/emotional-effects-of-vanishing-twin-syndrome/

 

 

Drug Testing

Greetings~

 

Scott Walker (never a good way to start a sentence) has been recently addressing the topic of drug testing for those receiving state aid, and I have been pondering this some. I myself do not use marijuana, I have in fact tried it when I was younger, and did in fact inhale, however it is not my cup of tea. However I can say I am on a butt load of medications which leave my stomach torn to shreds and if I were to have a more natural and holistic means of medications I would drop these man made toxins in a heartbeat. Also if I had a means to help me sleep more than three hours a night, that too would be marvelous.

 

The story of John. John was a diabetic, who lost his vision, part of his foot, and went into kidney and liver failure. John was a good man and worked hard all of his life. John would give you the shirt off of his back. John applied for assistance and no one really wanted to help him, he really had to fight for it. The 6 dollars a month he was allotted in food stamps (mind you this was a little over a decade ago)-what can one do with 6.00 a month, especially being diabetic and blind. Just toss that about for a moment. Thankfully John had people in his life who would pitch in where they could, offering food and other assistance. A gentleman from church would pick him up for weekly bible study and lunch-God bless you Dave. Don would do the same, he would bring him food and help in any capacity possible, as Don is that kind of guy (I hope that makes up for the initial statement about Walker, because after all this really isn’t about Walker per sa-it is about what is morally right)-God bless you Don, you are a beacon of morality. John was in so much pain and John could not sleep. The drugs did little to nothing for the pain and neuropathy- so some of his oldest and dearest (I guess-only one can I say was truly altruistic in her actions and due to the nature of this topic I can’t really say her name-so thank you “Perfect One”) friends helped him find herbal relief. Nothing more pathetic than a group of “old” ex-smokers trying to score…but it is possible. That herbal relief made it easier for him to sleep and made his pain a little more tolerable. According to what Walker wants to do in Wisconsin right now if John were still alive, he could not qualify for help. When so many states are changing laws and making marijuana legal because of the medical benefits, I will spare you the research mumbo jumbo-if you don’t know- Google it, you can find many studies proving it helps. Check out Pros and Cons. Org if you like. I get what Walker is trying to say and do…kind of sort of I guess. I mean he is perpetuating a stereotype… people receiving benefits are drug users, which really isn’t the case, this too has been studied and proven. Do your research if you don’t believe me. If you live just North in the UP (Michigan) marijuana is legal for medical purposes. Colorado has these nifty stores where you can get edibles from ice cream to hard candies-legal. Legal because it helps, and if you want to get political about this you can tax the hell out of it. Someone somewhere in Walkerville has to like that, or at least appreciate it. TAX IT!!!!

 

Again, I am not a smoker, however I am pro medical marijuana and what Wisconsin is currently contemplating seems backwards in some ways. I get people taking advantage of the system-not cool.

For John and all the others like him, don’t they deserve to live without pain? Don’t they deserve being able to sleep and eat? Call me crazy but I think so.

 

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

SAD

Greetings-

10 Days into the New Year! Back to work, back to our routines, back to school. Not feeling particularly ready for any of this, I just want to curl up under a blanket or take a hot bubble bath.
"Seasonal affective disorder, also known as winter depression, winter blues, summer depression, summer blues, or seasonal depression, was considered a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter or summer." (Wikipedia, 2014). I can't believe I just used Wikipedia as source material....any how I don't necessarily have normal mental health to begin with, hence the name Agoraphobia Gurl. Symptoms for SAD can be withdrawal, lack of sex drive, desire of carbohydrates, the inability to complete tasks or concentrate-all of the above? Most of the above-mostly just BLAH! I need to main line some melatonin.

Just try and keep it in perspective. We are mammals. I am not a tropical mammal-however it is currently appealing. The hours of sun light are minimal, and it is freaking cold out, our paleolithic ancestors would be hibernating right now!

We have some options in shaking these blues, the melatonin wasn't a joke. Make sure you get your exercise, step away from Ben and Jerry-they seem like comforting friends but it is a deception really. Feed your body, feed your soul with things that nourish and make you flourish! Don't isolate-as tempting as it is.

Patti Smith once said "Never let go of that fiery sadness called desire". I feel like I let it go, like Elsa and Marshmallow...so I guess I need to pull it back in and put it back together, and just shake it off! Hmmm-I think it is time for a nap because I just used a menagerie of Patti Smith, Taylor Swift and Disney...it is 7 pm and I think I am going to bed.

Good Night-Peace Be With You.

Love And Light,

Agorahopia Gurl

"It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them. -George Eliot


　
　


　
Wikipedia(2014) Seasonal Affective Disorder. Retrieved at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder