Vanishing Twin Syndrome

Greetings,

Sometimes we have to face the things that break us and shred us up into little pieces for healing to occur. Sometimes it is easier to just sweep it under the rug and try to ignore the pain and the reminders. I wonder if I am crossing some kind of boundary or betraying my son in some way for talking about it. I wonder if I need to talk about it after all of these years. Vanishing twin syndrome, also known as twin embolisation syndrome, is a condition in which one or more of a set of multiple fetuses disappears from the uterus during pregnancy, doesn’t that sound all sterile and tidy-disappearing, vanishing….people were already buying in twos for me. I still have the two matching bears from Lynn, one brown and one white, they are in many of his baby pictures. Somewhere buried far and away exists an ultra sound picture with two babies. This was long before I became broken, afraid to leave the house-simply afraid. This was when I was strong and fearless, this is when I began to break.

“In the case of a disappearing twin, the second fetus dies and aborts spontaneously. The fetal tissue gets reabsorbed by the mother, the placenta, or the other twin, and seemingly vanishes.

In some instances, rather than being completely reabsorbed, the aborted fetus will remain and become flattened by the remaining fetus. This results in a condition called fetus papyraceus.” (Pregnancy Mom and Baby, 2010). Spontaneously aborts….this is really not making things any better. Your OB-GYN will tell you it is not your fault, but it feels like your fault.

I could not function for the rest of my pregnancy. I could not shop, I could not prepare his nursery, and I didn’t even have a traditional baby shower for my only child, because I couldn’t deal with it.

My baby is 18 now, he always knew he had a twin. He would always talk about it when he was little. I never told him, most people didn’t know-he knew, he knew all on his own.

I had dreams-such vivid dreams. I was running under ground in some kind of maze of tunnels, Michael was in my arms and we were trying to save the other baby. The baby had beautiful curls. I finally had them both in my arms and we running, the doors were so very small, and I had to set Michael down on one side of the door and as I was reaching for the other baby the door slammed shut, our finger tips just out of reach of one another. I couldn’t save them both. I DID NOT SAVE THEM BOTH. I lost one. I let one go. I would wake up sweating and screaming and crying. Visions of this perfect little cherub with curls trying to reach out to Mommy-and I failed.

“If you have been diagnosed as having a vanishing twin, you may be experiencing a variety of emotions. You might feel grief, frustration, or guilt.

Some women feel that they may have done something to cause the condition. Vanishing twin syndrome has not been linked to anything in the mother’s control. It seems to be a spontaneous occurrence, most often due to a chromosomal or placental abnormality.

In most cases, the mother will be able to enjoy a full term healthy pregnancy with the remaining single baby.

Take the time to grieve your loss if necessary, and seek the help of a friend, therapist, or other healthcare provider when needed” (Pregnancy Mom and Baby, 2010). Trust me-just do it.

FYI-this is kind of important too-“If the vanished twin occurs early in the first trimester of pregnancy, which is most frequently the case, and becomes reabsorbed, there are generally few or no complications which result.

If the vanished twin occurs late in the first trimester, or in the second and third trimesters, complications may include premature labor, infection, hemorrhage, and obstruction of the cervix.

In the condition of a vanished twin, there may be an increased likelihood of cerebral palsy in the remaining twin, particularly if the event occurs in the second trimester.

If a fetus papyraceus remains, it is possible that it can block the cervix.” (Pregnancy Mom and Baby, 2010). Michael was a preemie but otherwise perfect.

Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to experience whatever process you need to. You can cry, you can scream, you can be really pissed off at God. I think if I would have seen a therapist or gone to a support group I would have been much better off, perhaps less broken.

The dreams started to subside some when my husband became very ill, before he passed away. It was a long drawn out process-it was horrible. Johns Aunt Vernie called me one day and she was confused. John kept talking to a little girl who was about Michael’s age, if she were to guess, after listening to her a little more I started to cry. I told her Michael was a twin. Apparently John or God named my baby girl (I always assumed her to be a boy), Beverly. Not ever would I have agreed to Beverly, her name was to be Katherine. I cried and I cried. Our baby girl was waiting with him, standing by his side, maybe holding his hand, and he talked to her. When John passed I know he was with Beverly, and I have come to terms with her name being Beverly. I was angry when God took him from Michael, but maybe Beverly needed him. So here on earth I have Michael and in heaven John and Beverly are together. Something tells me a dream is in my near future.

Loss sucks. People try to comfort you. People try to tell you it is God’s will (I have a real hard time with that one). Losing a baby is horrible and hard and life altering. Let it go-allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to feel the pain, talk to friends and family who have shared similar experiences-I say time under that red tent is precious. Try the support group, journal, see a therapist or a Pastor. Do what you have to do. Don’t allow yourself to shatter and break.

Goodnight Sweet Beverly-Mama loves you! Thank you God for Michael!

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

 

 

Pregnancy Mom and Baby (2010) Vanishing Twin Syndrome. Retrieved from: http://pregnancymomandbaby.com/tag/emotional-effects-of-vanishing-twin-syndrome/