Blurred Lines

Greetings,

I was conversing with my Sister today and we were talking about boundaries. In having agoraphobia I “bond” inappropriately-however I have caught myself and have tried to rectify the problem. No more “bonding” with Physical Therapists and other people I have a “professional” relationship with. When one rarely goes out into the world it can be a lonely place.

I am not perfect. I found my Doctor-my ex Doctor-he moved to Texas, and if you follow me, you know that. Well, I found him on Facebook. I debated and debated-do I send the friend request? I did. I am pretty sure he is ignoring it, and I have to let it go. He was my Doctor not my friend. I was feeling vulnerable, I have been with him for a long time, and his old office had called to try and set up an appointment with his “replacement”. I use that term loosely as no one could ever replace him. I told the office I would not be returning because it is stupid to go that far, I am sure I can find someone else closer-however the nurse informed me that they would be removing me from the call list and removing Doctor Vacek as my Primary Caregiver- I did a slow motion-“noooooooooooo”, and she giggled at me. I said “not acceptable- he is still my primary”. She again giggles, “He can’t be your primary-he lives in Texas”. Damn it. Maybe he didn't notice my friend request…..like I said. I am working on it.

As a teacher, as a preacher- when and where is it ok to cross these lines? How far can we cross them? When I was a hottie bartender in Delavan people would follow me home, or wait for me outside after I closed the bar. Having creepers pull up on a Monday morning while I am standing outside with my child waiting for the bus to pick him up-seriously crossing lines. In the event that you didn't know this-stalking your bartender and hitting on her outside of her home in front of her child is not endearing in any way shape of form. It is just creepy.

Boundaries exist to protect both the professional and the client, whomever that client may be. Teacher –parent relationships, Pastor-parishioner relationships-it is all a very slippery slope. Boundary violations can harm everyone involved. Professional boundaries define effective and appropriate interaction between professionals and the public they serve.

“Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. A boundary or limit is how far we can go with comfort in a relationship. It delineates where I and my physical and psychological space end and where you and yours begins” (University of Southern California Center for Work and Family Life, N/A).

“A mentor once told me that pastors are to be friendly, but should not become friends with the parishioners. This reflection reminded me of those words she once shared with me. There is a difference between being friendly and become friends - two things that the comments to this article seem to miss. I believe - and have experienced - that being a friendly pastor is healthy for the church and for my own self; but I my friends are outside of my congregation. Someone mentioned Jesus - duh! When I read the gospels, I read about Jesus' friendship with Martha, Mary and Lazarus; and I read about Jesus' love for his disciples. But I have not read about Jesus becoming friends with his disciples. In any case, I have lived by this... I try to be friendly and to love and to listen, and my friends and supporters are outside of my congregation (Santiago, 2012).

Boundaries exist in all aspects of our lives. We have professional boundaries, work boundaries, physical boundaries, and emotional boundaries. It is so much easier and clearer to define my physical boundaries and my physical comfort level-it is pretty much if you are over the age of 10 don’t touch me! Yeah-I am a work in progress. I am agoraphobic-my geographical comfort level is pretty much nonexistent. Some days I am not even comfortable in my own skin.

Time to go check Facebook…

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

Reference

    University of Southern California Center for Work and Family Life (N/A). CREATING HEALTHY PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL BOUNDARIES. http://www.usc.edu/

    Santiago, J.M. (2012) Good Reminder. Retrieved from: http://www.christiancentury.org/article/2012-12/pastor-not-friend

Not Defined by Our “Bondo”

Greetings-

Yes-I really do know what Bondo is-and it is not because of Dean!

Some of my most favorite pictures are with the special people in my life, caught at random moments of silliness, playfulness, and love.

I posted a picture yesterday and was informed I need a make over-full on wax, hair, the works. Well, this is how I look at 5 am. I am good with it. I didn't post the picture for anyone’s approval. I posted the picture because I was spending the day with my little buddy (one of my little buddies) and he looked happy, maybe even joyful being with me. That is what I was capturing. That is what I was sharing.

“The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.” - Audrey Hepburn

We keep hearing about self- image, airbrushing, eating disorders, plus sized models being smaller than you average sized woman…but we can’t even be kind to others (this seems to be my theme lately). I have friends of all shapes and sizes. I have some friends that I have never seen wear makeup and that is ok. We are not defined by Cover Girl or Estee Lauder, we are not defined by acrylic nails or Botox. We are defined-or should be defined by what is inside. Who we are at our inner core. True beauty comes from within. True beauty is about soul and spirit.

“What you do, the way you think, makes you beautiful.” - Scott Westerfeld

The person who informed me of my need of an entire make over digressed when I removed her post and politely told her “I am sorry if you don’t approve of my appearance at 5 am, but I am cool with it” because I am. The beauty in that picture was about a moment-a beautiful moment. The person who made the comment tried to say “I was just messing around-I was just playing-I didn't mean it”. Which really was bullshit. At my age I know it when I see it. I might not always let on…that is another cool thing about being a little bit older. Some of us do become a little bit wiser.

“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. “- Kahlil Gibran

My light shines!

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

I guess the moral of this was mean people suck but sometimes they can’t help it-they are just stupid.

“Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
Because Baby you’re a firework!”

                                          -Katy Perry

To suck or to not suck....

Greetings-

A gentleman, like a real live living breathing gentleman started to help me on with my coat. I stood and looked at him in total confusion, not understanding WHY he was holding my coat. I am old enough to get this conceptually, but the actual act was baffling. I stood and looked at him like a deer in head lights-TRUTH. Some days I am like that proverbial bull in the china store-TRUTH. I lack total grace and tact at most moments-TRUTH. (Stop laughing friends and family). I “had” to dance with this Gentleman at my sister’s wedding, why do I say “had”, because this Gentleman could be on like Dancing with the Stars and I am still doing that 80’s back and forth shuffle-kind of like Carlton. I apologize if you do not get that reference. I am pretty sure I actually stepped on that man at my sister’s wedding and I can’t follow a lead….back to that lacking in grace thing.

I have been thinking about this for almost a full week now, I could think of one other Gentleman, he is a real live Southern Gentleman. I like Southern Gentleman, the accent gets me every time. When we actually got to meet for the very first time in person (he is a family friend-more like an extended relative) when he said, “It is so nice to see those pretty blue eyes in person” you could have knocked me over with a feather.

So we have established Stan and Dennis are Gentleman, and Sharon and Barb are lucky! (Both couples are WONDERFUL to each other and are blessed to have one another).

I have tried to raise my son to be a gentleman, to open doors for a lady, to Sir and Ma’am when appropriate, to treat women with respect, and hopefully I have been successful in this, for the most part I am pretty certain I have been.

So as I have been pondering the “what is wrong” with society today I have come to some conclusions. Good old fashioned values are really not dead, some of them have just been misplaced. In some cases as a woman, especially the modern soap box standing man bashing woman, (I am not a man bashing woman-furthest thing from) we thought we could and should put our own coats on, and open our own doors, and rid ourselves of all of those “antiquated” notions. I for one like those antiquated notions. I like a gentleman.

However this goes much deeper. What about community? What about family? Have you ever heard of a barn raising? Google it if not. Once upon a time neighbors helped out neighbors and friends and family took care of one another. Where did this “tradition” go? See I am contemplating the concept of a “Gentleman” when NO ONE is really taking care of one another. When someone is sick, you prepare a meal and deliver it. You say, “Hey you need me to pick up some toilet paper for you or your prescriptions?” Do something. When a person passes away it used to be, people would show up with a casserole or a Bundt cake. I have seen this only once happen in my life time as an adult and it was in Upper Michigan, maybe something is in the air that shows them how to behave properly. Southerners probably still do it.

This leads me to my next point. Apparently some people simply suck. Dear God- no one should ever feel alone or be alone in these circumstances-if you in fact KNOW someone who is sick, needs help, needs a ride and you are so self-absorbed that you can’t take time out of your precious life to make a Bundt cake-you probably do in fact suck.  If you suck-it is not too late to stop sucking. I have faith in you. It can be a phone call, a store bought Bundt cake, a fruit basket, or holding some ones hand. I think you can. I think you can. I know you can! If you opt to continue sucking…I guess that is your choice. However when you die alone don’t be too shocked.

I guess that wasn’t too “lady like”.

I am blessed. I am thankful for all of my blessings.

I am surrounded by loving people.

My Dad is a good man. He would give you the shirt off of his back, and has. At the drop of a hat he will stop whatever he is doing to help YOU out. Plus he is madly in love with my Mom.

Adam-aka “Dean” is amazing. Sometimes it is hard to correlate “Gentleman” with “Urban-redneck” or “Lumber sexual”-but he is a damn good man. Has he fixed your car? Plowed your driveway? Dropped everything for…whatever the hell you needed-probably.

I have sisters, I have friends-I am blessed!

The moral of the story-life is filled with “Gentleman” and “Ladies”. Life is full of “good” and “bad”. The choice is up to you-to suck or to not suck….

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

On a side note- Steve Smith you are a true friend and have turned out to be a mighty fine example of a Gentleman. Thank you! It was a rollercoaster ride, but totally worth it.