Update

Greetings!

It has been awhile, probably too long.  I pondered whether or not to continue on this journey after a recent incident.  So as “out” and “proud” my crazy ass is I guess I need to reign it in some. I need to go back to changing names and identies….it is all really kind of bullshit but that is not what is important.

So who am I? During this journey I have come to the realization that the basic onset of my anxiety issue and agoraphobia is a traumatic brain injury.  You know, that is really nothing to be ashamed of. When I was busy working, and juggling my young son I took a massive tumble and my head needed stapling shut-however no one ever did a CAT or an MRI at the time. My blood sugar was only 30 when they revived me, this is nothing to be ashamed of. As I piece this together now I can clearly see the anxiety building and growing after this TBI. Little pieces of emotional or physical trauma continue over the years…no wonder why I am broken.

Trauma has a vast variety of changes and breaks that happens in an individual-injury, death, many things play into the picture.  One of my colleagues was in a car accident when we were maybe 12, I think that is where her break began, between further trauma of physical abuse and loss she crumbled further.

I speak to others experiencing anxiety and agoraphobia and the theme is pretty consistent. So why did it take me to diagnose myself? Was I not listening somewhere along the line?

All I know for certain is I have done nothing but try to better myself and try to help others with sharing my story…

As of the first of the month for some reason or another I have lost my insurance. Given my health issues and my income, no insurance leads to a death sentence-truly. I am not being a drama queen. Please please please-don’t try and start blaming Obamacare. If a politician is to blame I live in Wisconsin and the blame starts here, but I don’t want this to be a political thing. How about just a human thing.

Before I got sick I worked my ass off. I was a salaried employee working OT like crazy, wiping asses, getting pulled around by my hair, teaching people how to ride a bus, teaching ADL’s-I loved working! I had the most rewarding job ever! Well, being a Mom is way better but I am talking paid positions. I had to work holidays. I had to work weekends, and I would do ANYTHING to get that back.

Now with my limited abilities I go to school fulltime on line, and help people as much as I can. I am however pretty limited. You can’t look at me and see a disability…often times people don’t realize that a disability isn’t always something you can see. My body and my brain really work for crap, but I try. Each and every day I try.

Is this my swan song? I am not sure. I am not sure what will happen. I know I have been making phone calls. I know I have been seeking help. I know I am getting nowhere. What’s next…not sure. Can a diabetic live without insulin? Right-so do I construct my bucket list? Do I preform in the Destiny Lee 6 Rival? Hell yeah-going out fighting….keep on keeping on!

Love and Light,

 Agoraphobia Gurl