Scrambled Egg

Greetings

Some days are good and some days are bad. I have been fortunate in having more and more good days these days.

Today –not so much. I have been expanding my circle little by little stepping out of my comfort zone. Two weekends ago I walked down to the Farmers Market by myself and home by myself. Yes I was anxious, especially once engulfed in the crowd. I did it and I felt a certain amount of pride.

I went to see the Transformers movie last Tuesday night. The two things that are kind of spectacular about this is 5.00 Tuesday is always busy and I generally cannot and do not go out after dark, but I did. Yes I was anxious and nervous, but I did it. I even went to the concession stand by myself.

Today I had some business to attend to so I walked downtown by myself. I was anxious before walking out the door. Not a good start. I had to sing myself down the hill. I sang one of Lincoln’s nap time songs in attempt to soothe myself-YES, I was walking down Madison Street singing-OUT LOUD! You do what you have to do.

As I went into the office I was physically shaking and sweating. I had a hard time with my paper work as my hands were shaking so bad, but I did it. It is done. The really cool part of this is I am supposed to be waiting for my friend Tammy (Meryl Streep Tammy) I have an hour to kill. Downtown, by myself. I found myself a nice spot in the shade to sit and collect my thoughts(where I started writing this). I couldn’t just go window shopping like a normal person…

Exposure therapy at its finest. I love being a psych major-it gives me the grand opportunity to psychoanalyze myself. I am rather a unique case study. Frankly today’s experience has been more like flooding. Flooding is extreme exposure to your phobia, and not always therapeutic, and certainly not to do without a wing man or a therapist.

I am sitting on South Street. I lived about a block or so down. When I lived on South Street every single Saturday I walked downtown(unless I had over time). I would wander the Farmers Market, go to the bakery, the pharmacy, perhaps the grocery store. I enjoyed those Saturday mornings so much. Enjoying the sunshine, the fresh air, the smell of fresh baked bread, perhaps picking up a bunch of sunflowers to display in my house. Life seemed much simpler.

As I sit here I can see the building John lived in before he never came home from the hospital, before he passed. I don’t want to put too much thought into that, not being of sound mind at the moment(mind you, I took four diazepam this morning before my great journey). I am not sure what I am even feeling looking at pieces of my past where I was strong and independent, and now sitting here feeling broken and scrambled. That kind of sums it up, I feel like a scrambled egg.

 

The people coming up from behind me are freaking me out a little. I feel as if I should have a knife, taser, maybe just some pepper spray-but let’s face it, realistically this is not a good plan. I am too jumpy. I would end up hurting someone simply asking for directions, and Lily would find the pepper spray in purse and think it was perfume and spray her brother with it-something horrible would happen. A gun is out of the question, I would end up shooting myself in the foot. Perhaps a dog would be nice.

That is a lot  of crazy for an hour. Tammy found me (insert Wonder Woman song here) and slowly I became better. We did lunch and got to catch up and she brought me home-back to the safety of my fish bowl/pond/swamp…wherever or whatever you want to call it, back to safety. Thank You Tammy!

I am going to try not to spend too much time over analyzing this. It happened. Most of the day was good. I got to see people I love and care about. I ultimately did what I set out to do.

DON'T GIVE UP!

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

PLUS I found out something super special spectacular amazing TODAY. I can’t tell you what it is-but it is super special spectacular amazing. YOU-I am so happy for You!