The only way to do great work is to love what you do. –Steve Jobs

The only way to do great work is to love what you do. –Steve Jobs

 

Greetings,

It is the weekend and downtown Waukesha is bustling with activity. Last night we had fireworks-yes in January and today we have ice sculptures, activities at the Retzer Nature Center, dog sledding-all kinds of family fun!

I was thinking about dropping in over at the church because they are having a blood drive, and I realized I am still perhaps a little “broken” for that. My veins still look like I am a junkie and frankly some of them are a little sore still. I should have called the Doctor to see if I could participate, so I think I should pass this time.

I would like to be out in the hustle and bustle, well the idea is always appealing, as to if I actually get my booty out the door that is another story all together. Really today is not an option, I am pretty sure tomorrow is not an option either. Accounting is dominating my life-the thing of it is I have no interest in accounting. Steve Jobs once said, “The only way to do great work is to love what you do.” Well, I don’t love this and it certainly shows in my work. I have no problem with hard work but my life is becoming dominated by useless work. I mean I realize we need accountants, but I am not going to be one of them. I have the math aptitude of a pin. I have spoken to a business owner , a banker, and someone in accounts payable/receivable…and it would appear that no one understands my accounting class.

In my prior posting I was talking about making some changes, I think this is one of those changes I really need to look at. I am getting a lot of joy out of school, I have enjoyed computer literacy, psychology(which we have not been focusing on enough) I love creative writing and literature classes-huge shocker. I wanted to set a good example for my son. I wanted to show my Dad I could do this (lame-don’t ask…my issue not his) I wanted to help people and do something useful.  I feel like I am mainly just accruing a huge debt, well no doubt about it I am accruing a huge debt, can I get extra credit in accounting as I just used accruing in a sentence?

“The difference between a path and a road is not only the obvious one. A path is little more than a habit that comes with knowledge of a place. It is a sort of ritual of familiarity. As a form, it is a form of contact with a known landscape. It is not destructive. It is the perfect adaptation, through experience and familiarity, of movement to place; it obeys the natural contours; such obstacles as it meets it goes around.” ― Wendell Berry (2003)  The Art of the Commonplace: The Agrarian Essays

Sick of questioning my reality…

You enjoy your weekend. Make sure you get some DO YOU time!

Love and Light!

 

 

Reference

Wendell Berry (2003)  The Art of the Commonplace: The Agrarian Essays Counterpoint

 

Embrace The Imperfections

Greetings,

Perfection is boring! One of the joys of being human is being able to reflect and learn from your mistakes. We can also find joy and appreciation in our differences. We can embrace ourselves for our subtle “flaws” that society may deem as an imperfection. I love the silver in my hair, and when it turns fully I am going to have a beautiful arctic snow mane! Each line on my face was laughter and smiles once, and I plan to continue to laugh and smile! No Botox for this girl, however I won’t judge if that is your thing, it is just not MY thing.  Stretch marks, I earned those. The ultimate badge of honor in womanhood. I carried a human being inside of me. I am proud of those stretch marks. Those symbolize my child. I am even learning to love my saggy boobs, this one took me awhile to come to terms with. I miss my pre baby boobs, the ones that were perky and awesome, now all too familiar with gravity, but they are mine. They created milk and nourishment. Embrace the imperfections!

Maybe we need to be more concerned with the imperfections on our insides, ones that might be more characterized as character flaws perhaps. I need to work on patience, I need to work on my temper, I need to work on a lot of thing (so says the Agoraphobia Gurl). These imperfections can leave life in peril. Maybe if we learn to be kinder to ourselves ( and others) on the outside, things will fall into a better place on the inside.

“We have all heard that no two snowflakes are alike. Each snowflake takes the perfect form for the maximum efficiency and effectiveness for its journey. And while the universal force of gravity gives them a shared destination, the expansive space in the air gives each snowflake the opportunity to take their own path. They are on the same journey, but each takes a different path.
Along this gravity-driven journey, some snowflakes collide and damage each other, some collide and join together, some are influenced by wind... there are so many transitions and changes that take place along the journey of the snowflake. But, no matter what the transition, the snowflake always finds itself perfectly shaped for its journey.
I find parallels in nature to be a beautiful reflection of grand orchestration. One of these parallels is of snowflakes and us. We, too, are all headed in the same direction. We are being driven by a universal force to the same destination. We are all individuals taking different journeys and along our journey, we sometimes bump into each other, we cross paths, we become altered... we take different physical forms. But at all times we too are 100% perfectly imperfect. At every given moment we are absolutely perfect for what is required for our journey. I’m not perfect for your journey and you’re not perfect for my journey, but I’m perfect for my journey and you’re perfect for your journey. We’re heading to the same place, we’re taking different routes, but we’re both exactly perfect the way we are.” (Maraboli, 2009) just a little something to think about.

When I started this blog, I was so private and hush hush about it with the people that I knew. My intent was to try and do something positive with my messed up situation, suffering from severe anxiety and agoraphobia (among other things that make me special) I guess it is important to step back and take inventory of where I am and what I am doing. I have been getting out some, not like I should be, but after the hospital situation I think that is to be expected. Today I went to the library, the store, and Denny’s. Yes I love me some Denny’s. So I am following the steps I am supposed to be following. Instead of dreading events, I am learning to manage them a little more. My cousin is getting married in May and I am really looking forward to it. I know some of it will be a challenge (walking into a Catholic church with a bunch of people I don’t know-difficult), going to a place I have never been before-difficult, but I am going to do it! I saw him, brand new in the hospital and I am going to see him marry his beautiful bride! With practice, love can give you the strength and determination you need, the courage to make things happen. Don’t give up!

 

Love and Light!

 

Reference

Maraboli, Steve (2009) Life, The Truth, and Being Free A Better Today Publishing

More on Mitch

Greetings,

Ironically I was flipping channels and Mitch Albom was on Katie Couric today, my little snuggle monkey was sleeping on my chest, so it was meant to be…

If you were graced with that phone call from heaven(or the afterlife, which ever floats your boat)  who  would you want it to be? For many years my answer would have been my Grandpa Stefl. Actually he is who I expect to be waiting for me when I pass. For one moment I will be that little girl and he will be that be strong man that he was before he had his stroke and he will swoop me up in his arms and hold me. I will smile and giggle and give a million kisses in that moment, where I get to be that little girl with her Grandpa. That is my idea of heaven. That phone call however, I would want it to be from John (my sons Dad). I would “give” the call to  my son if I could. I would want to talk to him too if I could, but like I said if it were one or the other, if only one of us got the phone call I would give it to my son in a heartbeat.

 I have moments, many moments where I talk to him, unfortunately it is pretty  one sided.   I would like his insight, I would like to see how he thinks I am doing with our boy. I wish he could offer words of encouragement to our son…but this isn’t reality. Just one of those Mitch Albom books that I love to ponder. Who would your phone call be from? If you had one more chance, one more opportunity to speak to someone who has passed, it is really hard to narrow it down. As per usual I started to get light headed and all jittery as I was typing and I thought I am getting a message…no, no message just low blood sugar.

“On the day the world received its first phone call from heaven, Tess Rafferty was unwrapping a box of tea bags.

Drrrnnn!

She ignored the ring and dug her nails into the plastic.

Drrrnnn!

She clawed her forefinger through the bumpy part on the side.

Drrrnnn!

Finally, she made a rip, then peeled off the wrapping and scrunched it in her palm. She knew the phone would go the answering machine if she didn't grab it before one more -

Drrrnnn -

"Hello?"

Too late.

"Ach, this thing," she mumbled. She heard the machine click on her kitchen counter as it played her outgoing message.

"Hi, it's Tess. Leave your name and number. I'll get back to you as soon as I can, thanks."

A small beep sounded. Tess heard static. And then.

"It's Mom...I need to tell you something."

Tess stopped breathing. The receiver fell from her fingers.

Her mother died four years ago.” (Albom, 2013).

Tuesday’s with Morrie is probably my favorite Mitch Albom book, when Katie asked him in his interview WHO he would like to hear from in heaven, he said Morrie. Morrie’s story was told after he passed. A little part of Mitch would like to know what Morrie thinks about all of that. Someday I am sure he will find out, just not yet.

With what are you feeding your soul? It does not have to be a book  about phone calls from the afterlife, it does not have to be a book at all, just make sure you are feeding your soul.

“Everyone knows they're going to die, but nobody believes it.... So we kid ourselves about death.... But there's a better approach. To know you're going to dies, and to be prepared for it at any time....Do what the Buddhists do...ask, Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?” (Albom, 1997)

Love and Light!

 

 

Reference

Albom, Mitch (2013) The First Phone Call From Heaven Harper Collins
Albom, Mitch (1997) Tuesdays With Morrie Random House

 

Do You!

Happy New Year!


With the holidays passed and the New Year upon us this has been a great time of reflection for many of us. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I know I need to make some changes, nothing like a hospital visit to put things into perspective. I have a hard enough time as it is simply leaving the house, so an overnight, or two at the hospital is just about unbearable, especially being away from my son.
The people in support of me were kind of mind blowing, people I just know from attending college online, people I worked with in the past, and of course my family, really the online perspective was kind of amazing...even a supportive ex boyfriend. I also ponder those who said nothing, did nothing, asked no questions and are my "friends", it really makes you look at things. A bit of a wake up call or a reality check of sorts. That gentle fuck you we have all given and received I suppose. Heck, I  received a supportive message from an old friend who gave me a gentle fuck off awhile back, we are like the perfect divorced couple. We get along great for the sake of her kids and I appreciate your concern so much. I guess some bonds are unbreakable. I want to thank those of you for your concern and compassion. I want to thank you for offering to pick up groceries for me after the fact! Thank you my amazing friends and family!
I met a lot of interesting people while in the hospital,  but this gentleman named Eddie sticks out in my head in a particular fashion. Eddie brought joy and hope with him when he walked into the room. Eddie is a phlebotomist at Waukesha Memorial. A gentle soul with a contagious smile and a beautiful singing voice. He was singing Amazing Grace when he walked into my room for the first time. Eddie just made you feel better, which I don't think many phlebotomists get that, when he came to visit. I feel like he IS a story, like a great story that Mitch Albom writes. I know he already has a story about an Eddie, but this Eddie deserves his own. I had to go up to the hospital for lab work following my release(it really was my release-I released myself) and I asked the phlebotomist who was working if she knew Eddie, a big smile came to her face. Of course she new Eddie (and his songs) she actually went to see if he was in for me so I could say hi, sadly he didn't start for another three hours. Everyone loves Eddie is what she told me, I believe it. He brings joy!
"“Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can’t. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. an alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out"-Mitch Albom. Eddie reminded me not to be afraid. Eddie reminded me to have hope. Thank you Eddie.
I have so many things to say but I think I am going to close with one little thought. DO YOU! Take care of YOU! Take care of your mind, body, and soul each and every day!
Love and Light!


“Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.”
― Mitch Albom

Thanksgiving

Greetings,

While slacking I found a little post on Facebook which is relevant to the season, well it should be relevant and something we think about all of the time.....

"It's important to remember that not everyone is surrounded by large wonderful families. Some of us have problems during the holidays and sometimes are overcome with great sadness when we remember the loved ones who are not with us. And, many people have no one to spend these times with and are besieged by loneliness. We all need caring thoughts and loving prayer right now. If I don't see your name..., I'll understand. May I ask my friends wherever you might be, to kindly copy, paste, and share this status for one hour to give a moment of support to all those who have family problems, health struggles, job issues, worries of any kind and just need to know that someone cares. Do it for all of us, for nobody is immune. I hope to see this on the walls of all my friends just for moral support. I know some will! I did it for a friend and you can too!"

 

Everyone is so consumed with shopping, pies, and all of those wonderful things that go along with the holidays, we need to remember not only are some people hungry but they are alone and sad. What could each of us do to make some ones day a little brighter? Sharing our time is just as valuable to some one as donating a winter coat or some canned goods to the food bank. Truly giving of yourself embodies what the holiday is about, do you have room at your table for an extra someone who might otherwise be alone? A simple note or phone call letting some one know that you are thinking of them, a plate of cookies to the neighbor. Share your time. The holidays statistically are a horrible time for depression and suicide, make sure you take that moment out of your busy life to reach out to some one who might otherwise be alone, let them know that they matter!

 

Remember to give thanks. I know in my life I am truly blessed. It may not be with tangible items, like shiny new cars, or exotic vacations, hell I am on the cusp of insanity! However, I have a wonderful son, amazing friends and family. A place to live...and love. Above all I have love.

 

Count your blessings and share them.

Love and Light!

Sage Wisdom from my crazy ass

Greetings,

I am probably too exhausted to be writing this, but it is on my mind, so here it goes.
A word on forgiveness and letting go, or not trying hard enough....giving up.
Once upon a time I was married to John, it wasn't always easy, but it wasn't always so bad. We had a lot of good times. We went on road trips, camping, concerts, we laughed. His friends called him Bird man because his laughter was like a cackling bird (and he loved eagles).
He died in November, November 6th to be exact, when my son was 5 (he will be turning 18 this year). I have just been sitting here listening to some music from concerts we attended before Michael was born, or songs he would sing to me as we were driving around. Holidays are hard without him, he brought joy to the holidays. I wish Michael knew that. I wish Michael knew him when he was well. I wish Michael knew him outside of that hospital bed. I wish John were here watching him grow up, teaching him about being a man. John should be the one teaching him how to drive. I still get very angry at this God who takes away Daddy's and babies that just didn't get enough time.
I guess I should get to the point...
Today people just don't take relationships seriously. " To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness." That means something, do whatever it takes to make it work. If you can't make it work at least learn to be kind, and learn forgiveness. So many people spend so much time being bitter and being angry at their ex. Let me tell you, it isn't worth it. For as much as that man pissed me off, I miss him and wish he were here being Michael's Dad. If you don't have kids I guess maybe you can just walk away, but if you do have kids you need to learn forgiveness, as long as that child is alive that person you created him or her with is going to be a part of YOUR life. Learn how to deal with it. It is a process, it is painful, but you are forever intertwined. You will have confirmations, communions, graduations from high school, college, your child or children, whatever the case may be, might just get married (and you might actually have to dance with your ex), you might become Grandparents...you are forever intertwined (think before you breed-this is a long term commitment). You need to learn to let go of that anger and that pain. I would do just about anything to have Michael's Daddy here with him. Just because we didn't make it as a couple doesn't mean he doesn't hold a special place in my heart...forever in my heart.
Make each day count and treasure every moment.

Dear  John                                                            
Written by Tommy Shaw


Dear John I knew you
About as well as anyone
We were the wild ones
So sure those days would never end
Now they're only memories my friend

Dear John I'll see you
Some day again

I swear I saw you
On a crowded street today
I almost called your name
Thinking of all those yesterdays
Heaven help me
How I miss my friend

Dear John I'll see you
Some day again

There'll be a celebration
When all will be revealed
We'll have a reunion
High on a hill

Dear John how are you
God know it's heaven where you are
Find some peace there
May it never end

Dear John my heart knows
We'll meet again
Dear John I'll see you...
Some day again


                                                                 Fly with The Eagles!
                                                                   Love and Light

BLAH-November

Greetings,

Hope all is well in your world. Today is a cold and rainy day and I am not feeling motivated. I have a paper I need to work on but until I hear from my Professor I am on a stand still. I finally got Inferno from the library (Dan Brown), which you can see my quandary here...paper/Dan Brown book. Dan Brown is really not something I can knock out in one day.

Well what am I doing to make me better and work on my agoraphobia, I am trying to push myself a little more out after dark. I generally do very poorly after dark, like I am a reverse vampire-hold the glitter, but when the sun goes down I have a melt down like the Wicked Witch from the West after some one hosed her down good...I am melting I am melting!

So on Halloween (yes I closed my doors and did not hand out candy-perhaps another Elphaba move) we went to see a movie, usually the movie theater tweaks me enough as it is-but we went after dark. It was a nice change of pace and I didn't melt or anything, went out to dinner at Culvers the other night after dark too, no melting. I mean I do feel agitated and uncomfortable but nothing has killed me thus far.

I went to my Cousin's housewarming party on Saturday, I was looking forward to going, but I dipped into the liquid courage(Southern Comfort and Miller Lite) and had a very enjoyable time. I went to McDonalds with my parents afterwards as my Mom wanted French fries and ice cream ( she had a little Miller Lite too) and I did fine. If only Southern Comfort came in the form of a pill that I could take every day. I guess that too would wear off, but it is nice to be free and not care for an evening.

Feeling Scrooge like and not overly motivated, between school and the holidays right around the corner I just don't know which end is up. I didn't even have my children/family Halloween party or any kind of Samhain gathering...my wood is still sitting in the back yard getting wet. Maybe next year will be better? Maybe I can pull myself together for Christmas. Whatever the case I hope you are doing something to move forward. No matter how small the step may seem, take it!

Love and Light!