Greetings
Tonight I made plans with Dawn to go hiking at Lapham Peak. This challenges me on several levels. Dawn is extremely fit, she does 5K's for fun. I know I can't physically keep up with her, and she knows it too, but I need to try. I need to try for Dawn. I need to try for my health. I need to try to concur my fears. I just need to do it...period. I will be bringing my camera.
The last time I was at Lapham Peak is when Rob and my little boy proposed to me on bended knee. My son even helped pick out the ring. Lapham Peak was a significant place to Rob, myself, and my child. If you know me, you know all the heinous details of my story. But the quickie version is shortly after the proposal and MANY countless promises to my little boy, he bailed. He bailed on both of us. I could personally forgive him and let it go, but he really mind fucked my kid-that is unforgivable. Rob left me for a 23 year-old named Janette. Pretty little thing. They didn't make it either. Rob has some issues. The fact that HE is a therapist now mortifies me. Any how-tomorrow morning I finally go back and revisit that part of my past. I have to admit I am feeling pretty good about it. I am up for the challenge!
So we did it! Well, I knew she could do it but I wasn't so certain about me. She figures we went about a mile. Which I think is a pretty good start for me. I can visualize maybe, just maybe being able to do one of her full hikes in the future, with a little practice.
I had a few moments being in the depths of the wooded area where my chest thumped bit, however the company was good and the scenery was beautiful. Today was a success. Went for coffee afterwards at Cafe de Arts, first time for me. Great atmosphere!
Thank you for the amazing morning Dawn, and the yummy coffee! FYI you do help people on a deep and meaningful level, you just don't get paid for it!
Love and Light!
Oh Yeah....Rob who?
Sunday, September 29, 2013
A day in the life of Agoraphobia Gurl
Greetings
The crushing weight of fall embarks upon me. I have mentioned before, plenty of times I am sure (as I can be a bit redundant at times) the dark months really kick my ass. This is not a normal trigger for other agoraphobics generally speaking. I guess it is just one of those "special" me things. As I was writing, yes I start my blogs with pen and paper a lot of times and transfer later, it was the first day of fall officially. The beginning of the "dark months".
I am so sick of being dependent on others, reality is everyone is so busy I really hate to even ask. The harsh reality is I have very few people I can actually count on and I have to have a certain comfort level with that person otherwise I may as well be by myself. I morph into this being that is some where between a very low functioning autistic person and some one with Tourette's. This is not the coolest "Transformer" at all.
I need to run some errands and no one could help me so I tried to walk downtown by myself-epic fail! I made it as far as the Salvation Army, I sat on the stairs for a few moments trying to determine what to do. I checked my blood sugar, which was fine. I thought about calling Annie, who lives across town because I have morphed into my lame Transformer and I am trapped like 3 blocks from my house. I sucked it up, took some deep breaths and turned around and went home' like I said, epic fail.
Why are you reading this? Are you passing time? Do you just have nothing better to do? Are you agoraphobic like me and looking for a little solace? Do you suffer from anxiety and my pathetic life makes your seem just a little bit better? Do you love some one like me, or at least care for some one like me? If that is the case, if you have a special person in your life like me and you are seeking ways to understand that person or perhaps help that person....just ask. Simply offer. Give a call and say 'I am running to the store do you want to go along?" You could also offer to pick something up for them, but hopefully that special person will go with option one and take that step outside the house. Offer rides to church or out to lunch.
The thing for me that is the hardest in all honesty is the lack of normalcy I provide for my son. I would love if some one would just call and ask him if he wants to go out to lunch or to a movie, just normal people stuff. McDonald's makes him happy. A trip to the book store, Christmas shopping, a trip to Summerfest. Just normal people stuff, as he does not live with normal people, he lives with me. I would imagine some aspects of me being his mother sucks, which he would never say that, EVER. I am however a realist.
So if you know a person like me, and maybe even more important, if you know that kid reach out, include that kid like you mean it, or even better ONLY if you mean it. Half baked, half assed people don't bother. No additional brain twisting is needed. Said kid has probably got enough issues dealing with said parent. If you mean it, reach out, just do it. That would be my biggest suggestion if you are looking to help some one like me.
Love and Light.
Just incase, as I never know who might actually see this...Jamie Wilfahrt I hope life is treating you well. You are missed, loved, and appreciated. You taught my son that goodbyes are not always bitter, hurtful, or intended. You restored his faith in random acts of kindness and goodness. You taught him about being a good man and a good father. Thank You! Namaste Sir.
The crushing weight of fall embarks upon me. I have mentioned before, plenty of times I am sure (as I can be a bit redundant at times) the dark months really kick my ass. This is not a normal trigger for other agoraphobics generally speaking. I guess it is just one of those "special" me things. As I was writing, yes I start my blogs with pen and paper a lot of times and transfer later, it was the first day of fall officially. The beginning of the "dark months".
I am so sick of being dependent on others, reality is everyone is so busy I really hate to even ask. The harsh reality is I have very few people I can actually count on and I have to have a certain comfort level with that person otherwise I may as well be by myself. I morph into this being that is some where between a very low functioning autistic person and some one with Tourette's. This is not the coolest "Transformer" at all.
I need to run some errands and no one could help me so I tried to walk downtown by myself-epic fail! I made it as far as the Salvation Army, I sat on the stairs for a few moments trying to determine what to do. I checked my blood sugar, which was fine. I thought about calling Annie, who lives across town because I have morphed into my lame Transformer and I am trapped like 3 blocks from my house. I sucked it up, took some deep breaths and turned around and went home' like I said, epic fail.
Why are you reading this? Are you passing time? Do you just have nothing better to do? Are you agoraphobic like me and looking for a little solace? Do you suffer from anxiety and my pathetic life makes your seem just a little bit better? Do you love some one like me, or at least care for some one like me? If that is the case, if you have a special person in your life like me and you are seeking ways to understand that person or perhaps help that person....just ask. Simply offer. Give a call and say 'I am running to the store do you want to go along?" You could also offer to pick something up for them, but hopefully that special person will go with option one and take that step outside the house. Offer rides to church or out to lunch.
The thing for me that is the hardest in all honesty is the lack of normalcy I provide for my son. I would love if some one would just call and ask him if he wants to go out to lunch or to a movie, just normal people stuff. McDonald's makes him happy. A trip to the book store, Christmas shopping, a trip to Summerfest. Just normal people stuff, as he does not live with normal people, he lives with me. I would imagine some aspects of me being his mother sucks, which he would never say that, EVER. I am however a realist.
So if you know a person like me, and maybe even more important, if you know that kid reach out, include that kid like you mean it, or even better ONLY if you mean it. Half baked, half assed people don't bother. No additional brain twisting is needed. Said kid has probably got enough issues dealing with said parent. If you mean it, reach out, just do it. That would be my biggest suggestion if you are looking to help some one like me.
Love and Light.
Just incase, as I never know who might actually see this...Jamie Wilfahrt I hope life is treating you well. You are missed, loved, and appreciated. You taught my son that goodbyes are not always bitter, hurtful, or intended. You restored his faith in random acts of kindness and goodness. You taught him about being a good man and a good father. Thank You! Namaste Sir.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Not much to say....but that is what I do.
Greetings
I just returned from the hospital, just the Professional Building, nothing MAJ so no worries. I went to see my amazing endocrinologist Dr. Crelin. If you are local this man does miracles with regulating your diabetic numbers. I had a thyroid appointment. He informs me that even though I am on enough medication for a baby elephant that it is okay, and it is normal for some one of my circumstances. He even went as far as to tell me I am normal. That doesn't happen too often let me tell you.
Since I was in the building I went into Doctor Bob's office...to make my "spring" appointment. I realize we are embarking upon fall, but better late than never right? I need to get some head shrinking time in. I know I am making the attempts to do what I am supposed to be doing. I have been getting out of the house some. I have gone out to lunch with friends, went to the movies with my son, I even went to the Farmers Market. I am trying. I have been journaling and trying to spend more time with friends and family which is therapy in itself. I would like to get a few laps in around my block. I only made it once. This started as I made it! I did it! The idea of going around makes my chest pound and puts me in a tizzy. Here enters Dawn. Dawn is so athletic and health conscious, her body is so toned, if I didn't love her I might just have issues with her. I think we need to lap my block, in my defense it is kind of a long block....yeah that was lame. I feel very empowered when I am with her. I feel a lot of my old youthful exuberance where I could do anything(with the exception of scaling out her bedroom window and down the wall) She is always wanting to walk or hike, so maybe we can do some Agoraphobia Gurl walking. This helps too. Sharing my experience and sharing my journey with you. Not that I have a huge following but it is always fun looking at your stats and seeing that people in Poland, Russia, Malaysia, and here at home in the states are reading what I have to say.
Today is the 12th "anniversary" of 9-11. I really wasn't going to go here but I am compelled as I see all of the posts on Facebook, on the news, all of the tributes to the lives lost. To all of the amazing people who were in the thick of it helping. No doubt that this is a historical life changing event however does this allow for the families left behind to heal? As the Mother of a Child who lost his father at age 5, just because it was his time, he still has not healed. He is not whole. I am not sure what it would do to him if every single year he had to relive the date his Father died and share it publicly with everyone. 9-11 changed many lives forever and people will never forget, but perhaps we need to look at it from a different perspective. I am no therapist, I am a crazy person if you want to be technical, I just wonder about the babies left behind that will never know Mommy or Daddy. Or the parents left behind that had to watch a child die too early...are we allowing these people to heal?
Bless you all.
Love and Light!
I just returned from the hospital, just the Professional Building, nothing MAJ so no worries. I went to see my amazing endocrinologist Dr. Crelin. If you are local this man does miracles with regulating your diabetic numbers. I had a thyroid appointment. He informs me that even though I am on enough medication for a baby elephant that it is okay, and it is normal for some one of my circumstances. He even went as far as to tell me I am normal. That doesn't happen too often let me tell you.
Since I was in the building I went into Doctor Bob's office...to make my "spring" appointment. I realize we are embarking upon fall, but better late than never right? I need to get some head shrinking time in. I know I am making the attempts to do what I am supposed to be doing. I have been getting out of the house some. I have gone out to lunch with friends, went to the movies with my son, I even went to the Farmers Market. I am trying. I have been journaling and trying to spend more time with friends and family which is therapy in itself. I would like to get a few laps in around my block. I only made it once. This started as I made it! I did it! The idea of going around makes my chest pound and puts me in a tizzy. Here enters Dawn. Dawn is so athletic and health conscious, her body is so toned, if I didn't love her I might just have issues with her. I think we need to lap my block, in my defense it is kind of a long block....yeah that was lame. I feel very empowered when I am with her. I feel a lot of my old youthful exuberance where I could do anything(with the exception of scaling out her bedroom window and down the wall) She is always wanting to walk or hike, so maybe we can do some Agoraphobia Gurl walking. This helps too. Sharing my experience and sharing my journey with you. Not that I have a huge following but it is always fun looking at your stats and seeing that people in Poland, Russia, Malaysia, and here at home in the states are reading what I have to say.
Today is the 12th "anniversary" of 9-11. I really wasn't going to go here but I am compelled as I see all of the posts on Facebook, on the news, all of the tributes to the lives lost. To all of the amazing people who were in the thick of it helping. No doubt that this is a historical life changing event however does this allow for the families left behind to heal? As the Mother of a Child who lost his father at age 5, just because it was his time, he still has not healed. He is not whole. I am not sure what it would do to him if every single year he had to relive the date his Father died and share it publicly with everyone. 9-11 changed many lives forever and people will never forget, but perhaps we need to look at it from a different perspective. I am no therapist, I am a crazy person if you want to be technical, I just wonder about the babies left behind that will never know Mommy or Daddy. Or the parents left behind that had to watch a child die too early...are we allowing these people to heal?
Bless you all.
Love and Light!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Girl Code-Rated R
Hello Friends
I have been back in contact with a very Dear friend, which I am sure I have mentioned. After our last visit I had the realization that she was the only one of my friends back in the day not to break girl code. We discussed this a bit and it would seem her beautiful" mini me" encounters these same issues also.
It is so funny how some women just bitch and bash men when we can't even be nice to each other. Men oppress us and disrespect us, when the truth of the matter is we do it to each other. Some of us eventually grow up and grow out of it, sadly this is not always the case. I can still run into some girls from high school, shout out to Bonnie, and the little mean girl posse orbs together into the mean girl huddle and look and point and it is high school all over again-yes I am 44, pretty sad.
When we are little girls and we start out going to school we are all friends. I remember every single girl from grade school sleeping in my living room for my birthday. We could all get along, share our crayons, barrettes, and lip gloss. Some where around middle school things start to change. New and "exotic" people are introduced into our lives and the fragmenting begins, just a little bit at a time, very slowly. I know this happened in several of my relationships, the most predominant being me and TJ. She was my BFF from 5-middle school, by high school our relationship was crap. My fault, but none of this was boy related. Today we are Facebook friends, really nothing more nothing less. I still love her and would drop anything for her at a moments notice if she ever needed me.
Patsy was the control freak and a major code violator. It seems to me she was not happy unless she was imposing some form of control or misery upon some one. Back to direct girl code violations. I would say I really like that boy and the next thing I know her tongue is down his throat. I would meet some wonderful new friend of the opposite sex that I was intrigued with and "POOF" here comes Patsy. Pretty much I think this was just a fun activity for her, hurting people.
Me and Renee, I would be kind of curious to know how her life turned out. Her ex boyfriend who had this beautiful David Coverdale mane, and well he was just damn hot. He was so into me, so into my eyes, so into what I was thinking, but I couldn't. He was her ex and that would be breaking girl code. He goes in for that kiss-and damn it I wanted it. I wanted to take it and taste him and roll around on the hood of that car like Tawny Kitaen, but I said NO. I could not do that-Girl Code. When I took her to see one of my beautiful drummer boys who was one of my "special friends", which by Girl Code standards means back off, some how they ended up in bed, which I was invited-but I passed on that. I waited on the couch till they were done-MAJOR GIRL CODE VIOLATION! I didn't kiss Coverdale, C'mon!!! I could just keep going. The list is horribly long.
Dawn NEVER broke Girl Code and I never broke Girl Code with her. I love her, present and past tense and I am grateful to call her my friend. So what the hell is wrong with the rest of them? If we cannot respect and trust each other, who can we trust? If we can not be kind to each other, how do we think others are going to be kind to us? Where the hell does that leave us as a people? As a gender? People man bash all the time, the vagina does certainly not qualify us for Sainthood or even sisterhood apparently.
The last story I am going to share with you for now is probably the most hideous violation of Girl Code I have personally lived. Once upon a time this boy tried to put something in my mouth that I didn't want inside of me. Was I a victim? No...not because of him. I took care of business. I bit him, yes I bit that and drew blood. I was kind of a kick ass ninja back in the day. I turned that boy into the victim. I won. I made him bleed and I made him cry. Girl Code....three of my friends felt sorry for him, my girlfriends. One was "seeing" him. I was the bad guy? They actually tried to run me over one night in a car and tormented me for a very long time after. What he tried to do was considered rape. I defended myself with victory, and they were mad at me....something is pretty messed up with Girl Code. Perhaps the handbook needs to be revamped and reassigned.
Thank heavens for being a grown up! I have sisters, one of which is probably a little upset after reading this, you didn't need to know~you were too young. In the land of grown ups I have some really amazing friends. Tammy, Karen, Eileen, And my Dawn....just to name a few. A few really good friends is all you need. I could call any of these women at the drop of a hat and in a heart beat they would be by my side. All knowing how to follow Girl Code too : )
Love and Light!
I have been back in contact with a very Dear friend, which I am sure I have mentioned. After our last visit I had the realization that she was the only one of my friends back in the day not to break girl code. We discussed this a bit and it would seem her beautiful" mini me" encounters these same issues also.
It is so funny how some women just bitch and bash men when we can't even be nice to each other. Men oppress us and disrespect us, when the truth of the matter is we do it to each other. Some of us eventually grow up and grow out of it, sadly this is not always the case. I can still run into some girls from high school, shout out to Bonnie, and the little mean girl posse orbs together into the mean girl huddle and look and point and it is high school all over again-yes I am 44, pretty sad.
When we are little girls and we start out going to school we are all friends. I remember every single girl from grade school sleeping in my living room for my birthday. We could all get along, share our crayons, barrettes, and lip gloss. Some where around middle school things start to change. New and "exotic" people are introduced into our lives and the fragmenting begins, just a little bit at a time, very slowly. I know this happened in several of my relationships, the most predominant being me and TJ. She was my BFF from 5-middle school, by high school our relationship was crap. My fault, but none of this was boy related. Today we are Facebook friends, really nothing more nothing less. I still love her and would drop anything for her at a moments notice if she ever needed me.
Patsy was the control freak and a major code violator. It seems to me she was not happy unless she was imposing some form of control or misery upon some one. Back to direct girl code violations. I would say I really like that boy and the next thing I know her tongue is down his throat. I would meet some wonderful new friend of the opposite sex that I was intrigued with and "POOF" here comes Patsy. Pretty much I think this was just a fun activity for her, hurting people.
Me and Renee, I would be kind of curious to know how her life turned out. Her ex boyfriend who had this beautiful David Coverdale mane, and well he was just damn hot. He was so into me, so into my eyes, so into what I was thinking, but I couldn't. He was her ex and that would be breaking girl code. He goes in for that kiss-and damn it I wanted it. I wanted to take it and taste him and roll around on the hood of that car like Tawny Kitaen, but I said NO. I could not do that-Girl Code. When I took her to see one of my beautiful drummer boys who was one of my "special friends", which by Girl Code standards means back off, some how they ended up in bed, which I was invited-but I passed on that. I waited on the couch till they were done-MAJOR GIRL CODE VIOLATION! I didn't kiss Coverdale, C'mon!!! I could just keep going. The list is horribly long.
Dawn NEVER broke Girl Code and I never broke Girl Code with her. I love her, present and past tense and I am grateful to call her my friend. So what the hell is wrong with the rest of them? If we cannot respect and trust each other, who can we trust? If we can not be kind to each other, how do we think others are going to be kind to us? Where the hell does that leave us as a people? As a gender? People man bash all the time, the vagina does certainly not qualify us for Sainthood or even sisterhood apparently.
The last story I am going to share with you for now is probably the most hideous violation of Girl Code I have personally lived. Once upon a time this boy tried to put something in my mouth that I didn't want inside of me. Was I a victim? No...not because of him. I took care of business. I bit him, yes I bit that and drew blood. I was kind of a kick ass ninja back in the day. I turned that boy into the victim. I won. I made him bleed and I made him cry. Girl Code....three of my friends felt sorry for him, my girlfriends. One was "seeing" him. I was the bad guy? They actually tried to run me over one night in a car and tormented me for a very long time after. What he tried to do was considered rape. I defended myself with victory, and they were mad at me....something is pretty messed up with Girl Code. Perhaps the handbook needs to be revamped and reassigned.
Thank heavens for being a grown up! I have sisters, one of which is probably a little upset after reading this, you didn't need to know~you were too young. In the land of grown ups I have some really amazing friends. Tammy, Karen, Eileen, And my Dawn....just to name a few. A few really good friends is all you need. I could call any of these women at the drop of a hat and in a heart beat they would be by my side. All knowing how to follow Girl Code too : )
Love and Light!
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