It has been a day.
One of the family pets, a beautiful red eared slider that belongs to my son passed today. He has been a family member for 11years. I spent several years chastising Dean for this birthday gift that what not approved, and today I cried as I held his lifeless body. I know, sounds weird I guess, but I had a relationship with Gamara, we talked, I pinched his tush, I looked into his eyes and saw the soul of this little creature who depended on me. I am really rather broken up about it.
My son has been rock solid, he really had no option. With freaking out cousins and a tearful Mom, 16 and still the man, being brave and taking care of every one else just like he always has.
Wasn't I just talking about this? Loss, karma, why does all the crap have to happen to my kid when I can't do anything about it? With every bump in the road what this has created is a beautiful, polite, young man. Yes inside of him is hurt and anger, but inside of him is also great love. Yesterday at the festivities the extended relatives were talking about what a polite young man he is, and I can proudly say yes he is. My sister had commented she was pleased at the care and concern he had shown for her daughter.
Sometimes it is really easy to be pissed off about some one not cleaning the bedroom or taking a plate to the sink, but damn I really have a kid to be proud of. He is kind,loyal , and polite.
So no matter what craziness or lack of "normal" I have given to him, which he would never complain about me. He thinks I am the best thing in the world, which is pretty amazing considering his age.
No matter what kind of shit life has handed to him, and it is plenty, all odds stacked against him, and he is AMAZING. I have always said he is the best thing I have ever done, and I really just meant the whole my egg, he grew in me thing, I am not sure how much credit I can take for the rest. I think he turned out pretty amazing simply because he is amazing.
I love you forever.
I like you for always.
As long as I am living my baby you will be.
Love and Light~
Make sure to hug your kid and tell them how special they are.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
The Day After
Hope you all had a wonderful holiday! It has been a very busy Christmas season here, I am glad it is over...I guess.
Yesterday I went to my Mom and Dad's, the house was packed with yummy food (I so want to go back and get some carrot cake and ham!)and people. Mom's house is always filled with people, but her only brother, her only sibling and his family were over. We only gather as a family at Christmas time with all of us. I know my Grandma would hate that.
It was such a good day. My Uncle Eddie is just one of my favorite people, my favorite Uncle hands down. Funny, I am always taking pictures, mostly of the kids, any kids really, but yesterday WE were the kids. My sisters, my cousin Jim and me, I am gathering us around Uncle Eddie for pictures, pictures with each other, it was just like being a kid.
My Uncle Eddie is a person who can make me feel 5 again, which I shared with him and probably should not have(I don't think he got it). When he is around I just feel like a little girl. I feel safe. I feel happy. I feel comfort, and I feel pure joy. It doesn't really matter what else is going on. I didn't get to stay as long as I would have liked, which will not be happening again. I don't get that much time with him. When I was growing up it was every weekend. I am 44 years old now, I love this man and I don't want life to be filled with remorse and regret when he is gone. I want to seize every opportunity and perhaps create more. I want to cherish every moment. By closing myself off from the world and social situations I am closing myself off to opportunities and relationships, important relationships.
When I see him and squeeze him my eyes tear up, I love him so much. I go back to that place in time...Sunday on Leon Terrace with Grandma and Grandpa and all kinds of food and love. Where I was a little girl and life was safe and good. I was the first Grandchild, and the first niece. I knew love. I was spoiled, not in that bad "gimmie gimmie" way, but just spoiled with attention and love.
Yesterday was good. Like time stopped, seeing my parents and my Aunt and Uncle, and US kids.
When I was talking to my Aunt Liz, we were talking about how time just flies, she said she remembers when I was 3, I said I remember you and my Mom in your short short skirts and big hair! I guess I could go on and on about how good yesterday felt but I guess the important message here is don't shut yourself off from every thing.
I know how hard it can be walking out the door, walking into a big group of people, fearing the unknown; but the things we miss if we don't can be huge.
A new year is around the corner lets face it together with courage so we don't have to be filled with regret and what ifs.
Love and Light
Yesterday I went to my Mom and Dad's, the house was packed with yummy food (I so want to go back and get some carrot cake and ham!)and people. Mom's house is always filled with people, but her only brother, her only sibling and his family were over. We only gather as a family at Christmas time with all of us. I know my Grandma would hate that.
It was such a good day. My Uncle Eddie is just one of my favorite people, my favorite Uncle hands down. Funny, I am always taking pictures, mostly of the kids, any kids really, but yesterday WE were the kids. My sisters, my cousin Jim and me, I am gathering us around Uncle Eddie for pictures, pictures with each other, it was just like being a kid.
My Uncle Eddie is a person who can make me feel 5 again, which I shared with him and probably should not have(I don't think he got it). When he is around I just feel like a little girl. I feel safe. I feel happy. I feel comfort, and I feel pure joy. It doesn't really matter what else is going on. I didn't get to stay as long as I would have liked, which will not be happening again. I don't get that much time with him. When I was growing up it was every weekend. I am 44 years old now, I love this man and I don't want life to be filled with remorse and regret when he is gone. I want to seize every opportunity and perhaps create more. I want to cherish every moment. By closing myself off from the world and social situations I am closing myself off to opportunities and relationships, important relationships.
When I see him and squeeze him my eyes tear up, I love him so much. I go back to that place in time...Sunday on Leon Terrace with Grandma and Grandpa and all kinds of food and love. Where I was a little girl and life was safe and good. I was the first Grandchild, and the first niece. I knew love. I was spoiled, not in that bad "gimmie gimmie" way, but just spoiled with attention and love.
Yesterday was good. Like time stopped, seeing my parents and my Aunt and Uncle, and US kids.
When I was talking to my Aunt Liz, we were talking about how time just flies, she said she remembers when I was 3, I said I remember you and my Mom in your short short skirts and big hair! I guess I could go on and on about how good yesterday felt but I guess the important message here is don't shut yourself off from every thing.
I know how hard it can be walking out the door, walking into a big group of people, fearing the unknown; but the things we miss if we don't can be huge.
A new year is around the corner lets face it together with courage so we don't have to be filled with regret and what ifs.
Love and Light
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Baby It's Cold Outside....
Good Day!
December 20th and we are finally getting some snow, I was kind of hoping for a snow free birthday, but I will live. It was raining all day so the snow is actually nice-ish. I have a hard time enjoying snow. I am not particularly fond of it, but the rain was a little depressing.
Oddly enough my agoraphobic self went to Wal Mart today (I really had to get cat food), it was a quick trip, I only spent about 30.00(this never happens when I go to Wal Mart) but I did okay. Maybe all of this going to church and what not is getting me in the swing of leaving the house a little. I am not going to be overly optimistic, as whenever I get pumped up about "normal" I fall on my ass, but I will take it as I am on the right path. I usually try to avoid any and all stores at all cost in December and to go and wander BY MYSELF on the 20th of December is pretty damn good. Yay me!
I am on break from school, not sure if I mentioned that or not in my last post. I get 2 whole weeks off out of the year, I keep signing on to check my grades, now I have gotten them (probably going to be on the Dean's list again), I am not sure what to do with myself. I have plenty to do. I still have gifts to wrap, which is highly unusual. I finally read The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom, I bought it as soon as it came out and I have finally have read it, now I need to find some one to discuss it with. I miss my Janesville friends(and you too Tammy, I found you in Janesville) we were that kind of group of people; books, religion, and politics. I know that is a strong group of friends to be talking religion and politics! Now I am working my way into a Nora Roberts book, not expecting any great meaning from that, simply pleasure.
Hope you are having a wonderful day.
Love and Light.
December 20th and we are finally getting some snow, I was kind of hoping for a snow free birthday, but I will live. It was raining all day so the snow is actually nice-ish. I have a hard time enjoying snow. I am not particularly fond of it, but the rain was a little depressing.
Oddly enough my agoraphobic self went to Wal Mart today (I really had to get cat food), it was a quick trip, I only spent about 30.00(this never happens when I go to Wal Mart) but I did okay. Maybe all of this going to church and what not is getting me in the swing of leaving the house a little. I am not going to be overly optimistic, as whenever I get pumped up about "normal" I fall on my ass, but I will take it as I am on the right path. I usually try to avoid any and all stores at all cost in December and to go and wander BY MYSELF on the 20th of December is pretty damn good. Yay me!
I am on break from school, not sure if I mentioned that or not in my last post. I get 2 whole weeks off out of the year, I keep signing on to check my grades, now I have gotten them (probably going to be on the Dean's list again), I am not sure what to do with myself. I have plenty to do. I still have gifts to wrap, which is highly unusual. I finally read The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom, I bought it as soon as it came out and I have finally have read it, now I need to find some one to discuss it with. I miss my Janesville friends(and you too Tammy, I found you in Janesville) we were that kind of group of people; books, religion, and politics. I know that is a strong group of friends to be talking religion and politics! Now I am working my way into a Nora Roberts book, not expecting any great meaning from that, simply pleasure.
Hope you are having a wonderful day.
Love and Light.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Good intentions
Good Day
I keep intending to write but I have just been so busy. With school and getting ready for the holidays I feel like I am constantly juggling something.
Spent time with my family this weekend, went to see the kids pageant for Christmas at church. It was a good weekend. I was even bold enough to go take communion, I have not taken communion in years. It is hard enough to get myself in the door and seated. They closed with Silent Night and again my eyes fill up with tears, being in that place at Christmas time where everything happened...we were all married in that church, our children were all baptised in that church, my husbands funeral service was in that church. Christmas makes me very sentimental about John. He brought great joy to the holidays.
My son is really struggling right now with missing him. His memory is beginning to fade and that is almost too much for him to handle, losing the sound of his voice and the picture of him in his head. It is really amazing to me he has been able to hold on to it this long. He was only 5 when John died and it has been a really long time.
I wish so much I could fix him and make him not hurt, but I can do nothing. All I can do is listen I can't make the pain go away. As a parent nothing is worse than seeing your child suffer, and my child has known so much suffering.
I feel like in talking about grief and loss I should mention the Sandy Hook families, as you face this horrible loss know that the world cares about you and so many prayers and good intentions go out to you and those you have lost. What a horrible and unthinkable act of violence.
I wonder how it must feel turning on your computer and being bombarded with articles, turning on the tv and hearing it over and over, going on to Facebook and seeing all of the little stars in the memory of...how numb you must all be. Probably sick of hearing about Jesus and Gods plan, I don't know why people think that helps when something horrible happens...as I can say from experience it doesn't. I am sure that will piss a few people off, but sometimes when horrible things happen it is just best left as. I am sorry. I am here if you need me. Make a casserole(that they probably won't eat)...because some things just suck. It is that simple, or it should be that simple. People need to be allowed to process grief how they need too, if it is by prayer and embracing Jesus so be it, but it needs to be a choice, no one needs to hear, "It was Gods plan" or "Now your baby is with Jesus" because that just sucks. My heart goes out to you all.
Love and Light
I keep intending to write but I have just been so busy. With school and getting ready for the holidays I feel like I am constantly juggling something.
Spent time with my family this weekend, went to see the kids pageant for Christmas at church. It was a good weekend. I was even bold enough to go take communion, I have not taken communion in years. It is hard enough to get myself in the door and seated. They closed with Silent Night and again my eyes fill up with tears, being in that place at Christmas time where everything happened...we were all married in that church, our children were all baptised in that church, my husbands funeral service was in that church. Christmas makes me very sentimental about John. He brought great joy to the holidays.
My son is really struggling right now with missing him. His memory is beginning to fade and that is almost too much for him to handle, losing the sound of his voice and the picture of him in his head. It is really amazing to me he has been able to hold on to it this long. He was only 5 when John died and it has been a really long time.
I wish so much I could fix him and make him not hurt, but I can do nothing. All I can do is listen I can't make the pain go away. As a parent nothing is worse than seeing your child suffer, and my child has known so much suffering.
I feel like in talking about grief and loss I should mention the Sandy Hook families, as you face this horrible loss know that the world cares about you and so many prayers and good intentions go out to you and those you have lost. What a horrible and unthinkable act of violence.
I wonder how it must feel turning on your computer and being bombarded with articles, turning on the tv and hearing it over and over, going on to Facebook and seeing all of the little stars in the memory of...how numb you must all be. Probably sick of hearing about Jesus and Gods plan, I don't know why people think that helps when something horrible happens...as I can say from experience it doesn't. I am sure that will piss a few people off, but sometimes when horrible things happen it is just best left as. I am sorry. I am here if you need me. Make a casserole(that they probably won't eat)...because some things just suck. It is that simple, or it should be that simple. People need to be allowed to process grief how they need too, if it is by prayer and embracing Jesus so be it, but it needs to be a choice, no one needs to hear, "It was Gods plan" or "Now your baby is with Jesus" because that just sucks. My heart goes out to you all.
Love and Light
Saturday, December 8, 2012
More on today...
So I am exhausted and should be in bed. I have taken enough diazepam today to knock out a horse.
I never made it to the birthday party. I was ready, made up and pretty and spent the day waiting for Dean to get home. It would have been nice to have gotten a phone call atleast. I understand that work has to come first but I could have made other plans, I can think of a few people who would have given me a ride. I just felt bad. Dean got home like 30 minutes before the party ended and was a major crab ass. I told these people I would be at the party.I am sorry Alyssa. I really wanted to be a part of your special day.
I got myself mentally ready and took my bucket o diazepam to get me out the door. It takes alot to get me out the door. It is a process. So Dean end I end up in a disagreement. I ended up going to my Parents choir concert with my Sister, and it was a very nice time. My nephew was in the concert too so we were like an hour early which gave us time to chat.
Just when you think you have seen it all, some one had a purse dog with them at the concert!!! It wasn't a helper dog I swear to you a purse dog in a sweater. I was worried about having a sugar soda in the service incase I got low, go figure. Who brings a purse dog to church, really.
I got to see a very dear friend Janet, she is one of the best people I know, so that made my day.
I tried to do everything I was supposed to. I set out with good intentions. I didn't let the first mishap spiral out of control and give up on the rest of my day, which I do sometimes. I get so stressed I just can't even try. I faught the stress and I won. I feel bad that I let some one down, and I guess that gave me the strength and determination to not let others down, or myself the rest of the day. I am off to bed.
Love and Light
I never made it to the birthday party. I was ready, made up and pretty and spent the day waiting for Dean to get home. It would have been nice to have gotten a phone call atleast. I understand that work has to come first but I could have made other plans, I can think of a few people who would have given me a ride. I just felt bad. Dean got home like 30 minutes before the party ended and was a major crab ass. I told these people I would be at the party.I am sorry Alyssa. I really wanted to be a part of your special day.
I got myself mentally ready and took my bucket o diazepam to get me out the door. It takes alot to get me out the door. It is a process. So Dean end I end up in a disagreement. I ended up going to my Parents choir concert with my Sister, and it was a very nice time. My nephew was in the concert too so we were like an hour early which gave us time to chat.
Just when you think you have seen it all, some one had a purse dog with them at the concert!!! It wasn't a helper dog I swear to you a purse dog in a sweater. I was worried about having a sugar soda in the service incase I got low, go figure. Who brings a purse dog to church, really.
I got to see a very dear friend Janet, she is one of the best people I know, so that made my day.
I tried to do everything I was supposed to. I set out with good intentions. I didn't let the first mishap spiral out of control and give up on the rest of my day, which I do sometimes. I get so stressed I just can't even try. I faught the stress and I won. I feel bad that I let some one down, and I guess that gave me the strength and determination to not let others down, or myself the rest of the day. I am off to bed.
Love and Light
Holiday rush
I have had most of my shopping done for ages, which I usually do the bulk of it online. Thank you Amazon!
I am starting to feel a little bit festive with my little tree covered in sparkling lights. Perhaps I should pull more decorations out.
I have such a hard time leaving the house this time of year; the darkness, the weather, and depression I guess.
When Lily's little brother Lincoln was born believe me I jogged my tush up to the hospital as soon I was given the okay from the Mom. I really didn't stress over that, the hospital is for the most part in my "safe zone" and I got to hold that little peanut and nothing is a better stress reliever. I knew I loved him before he was born but you hold them in your arms under your heart and that just seals the deal. The love just oozes right inside of you.
Yesterday we finished Thanksgiving, no more turkey! The last of the Thanksgiving gatherings, woot. This is a good thing being that we are just about ready to hit Christmas. Dean's Dad and his foster son were here. I made a very yummy pork roast, all of the sides, yummy buttery rolls, and of course pie. We were expecting Dean's son to show up, I guess more so hoping than expecting.
I am not in leftover over load, I packed up a huge package for Dad to take home with him, so they should be eating well for the next few days.
Today we are supposed to go to a birthday party for a one year old and we have my parents choir concert at the church tonight. I am looking forward to the choir concert. I have to pick better seating this time, well my sister will be at the church early so she is in charge of seating. Last year when we went I kind of went into sensory overload. The church is packed to begin with, I sat by the bell choir, because bells are pretty right...not so much when you are sitting on top of them, and the added bonus to that was the bell choir was seated all around us so every time they played they had to walk past me and brush up against me, you know how this agoraphobic gurl loves being touched by strange people! I am going to make it to that concert, I am not going to let the fear win. I will just stay away from the bells.
Tomorrow is a busy day too, not stress busy. My sister and I are both making home made soup for lunch at Mom's after church, this choir thing is an all weekend event so we are going to make them some lunch and visit for awhile. After that we are heading over to see Lincoln and Lily. I do pretty good when I go to the house, I do better the fewer people that are actually at the house but that is how I roll.
I hope your holidays are stress free and I hope you are managing your panic and anxiety. It is a hard time of year for most of us with those issues. I have been trying to get back into the habit of taking a bath again, a nice long soak in some bubbles is a good relaxer.
Love and Light
I am starting to feel a little bit festive with my little tree covered in sparkling lights. Perhaps I should pull more decorations out.
I have such a hard time leaving the house this time of year; the darkness, the weather, and depression I guess.
When Lily's little brother Lincoln was born believe me I jogged my tush up to the hospital as soon I was given the okay from the Mom. I really didn't stress over that, the hospital is for the most part in my "safe zone" and I got to hold that little peanut and nothing is a better stress reliever. I knew I loved him before he was born but you hold them in your arms under your heart and that just seals the deal. The love just oozes right inside of you.
Yesterday we finished Thanksgiving, no more turkey! The last of the Thanksgiving gatherings, woot. This is a good thing being that we are just about ready to hit Christmas. Dean's Dad and his foster son were here. I made a very yummy pork roast, all of the sides, yummy buttery rolls, and of course pie. We were expecting Dean's son to show up, I guess more so hoping than expecting.
I am not in leftover over load, I packed up a huge package for Dad to take home with him, so they should be eating well for the next few days.
Today we are supposed to go to a birthday party for a one year old and we have my parents choir concert at the church tonight. I am looking forward to the choir concert. I have to pick better seating this time, well my sister will be at the church early so she is in charge of seating. Last year when we went I kind of went into sensory overload. The church is packed to begin with, I sat by the bell choir, because bells are pretty right...not so much when you are sitting on top of them, and the added bonus to that was the bell choir was seated all around us so every time they played they had to walk past me and brush up against me, you know how this agoraphobic gurl loves being touched by strange people! I am going to make it to that concert, I am not going to let the fear win. I will just stay away from the bells.
Tomorrow is a busy day too, not stress busy. My sister and I are both making home made soup for lunch at Mom's after church, this choir thing is an all weekend event so we are going to make them some lunch and visit for awhile. After that we are heading over to see Lincoln and Lily. I do pretty good when I go to the house, I do better the fewer people that are actually at the house but that is how I roll.
I hope your holidays are stress free and I hope you are managing your panic and anxiety. It is a hard time of year for most of us with those issues. I have been trying to get back into the habit of taking a bath again, a nice long soak in some bubbles is a good relaxer.
Love and Light
Friday, December 7, 2012
A Christmas gift from Jennifer
One of those things I dance around is my Son's Father. He has been gone 10 years in November. We are not particularly close to his family, and believe me we have tried. He died in November the year my Son turned 5. The holidays were rough. The holidays continue to be tough. Johns was so enthusiastic about the holidays, he made the best stuffing ever. He loved picking a fresh tree out so the scent of pine would linger in the house. He loved all of the lights and decorating.
John was one of those special people who got to help Santa out, one of those wonderful people that dress up and fill in where needed. He was Santa for The Jaycees on several occasions, he was Santa in the Waukesha parade. His heart was filled with giving, year round.
With the amazing technology we call Face book I have come into contact with Jennifer. Johns good friends had two beautiful children named Jennifer and Erick. John loved those kids like they were his own. Jennifer would climb into his lap and just love on him, and he needed that. He didn't get much of that when he was growing up, unconditional love.
Often I get sad thinking about what he is missing, he should be here for our child, that is a no brainer. He would have become a Great Uncle this year, and his loss is being felt by his niece Sarah. I look at Jennifer and Erick, they are both grown, and married, and have babies! Jennifer has four beautiful girls, and I mean beautiful! John should be here! When John was preparing to die he started one of those Thomas Kincaid memory books for our Son. His favorite place and time was Christmas at Jennifer and Erick's house. He should be here.
I have had the opportunity to spend some time talking with Jennifer, who is missing her "Uncle" John and some other very important people she has lost. She told me how she hangs her Christmas ornament from him every year at the top of her tree, I am assuming it is one of the rose bells or balls we got together on our first Christmas, and this year I got out the tiny Christmas tree that was in his hospital room dusted it off and put it on display. It is covered with the remaining rose bells and balls we bought that first Christmas 25 years ago. They are becoming very old and tattered, maybe I should wrap them very carefully and retire them till my Son is old enough to have his own tree, but that is my Christmas gift from Jennifer. A gentle reminder from some one else who really loved him about trying to embrace his love and light during the holidays. John brought the joy and it is so wonderful having some one to share that with. Thank you Jennifer, you are loved!
Love and Light
John was one of those special people who got to help Santa out, one of those wonderful people that dress up and fill in where needed. He was Santa for The Jaycees on several occasions, he was Santa in the Waukesha parade. His heart was filled with giving, year round.
With the amazing technology we call Face book I have come into contact with Jennifer. Johns good friends had two beautiful children named Jennifer and Erick. John loved those kids like they were his own. Jennifer would climb into his lap and just love on him, and he needed that. He didn't get much of that when he was growing up, unconditional love.
Often I get sad thinking about what he is missing, he should be here for our child, that is a no brainer. He would have become a Great Uncle this year, and his loss is being felt by his niece Sarah. I look at Jennifer and Erick, they are both grown, and married, and have babies! Jennifer has four beautiful girls, and I mean beautiful! John should be here! When John was preparing to die he started one of those Thomas Kincaid memory books for our Son. His favorite place and time was Christmas at Jennifer and Erick's house. He should be here.
I have had the opportunity to spend some time talking with Jennifer, who is missing her "Uncle" John and some other very important people she has lost. She told me how she hangs her Christmas ornament from him every year at the top of her tree, I am assuming it is one of the rose bells or balls we got together on our first Christmas, and this year I got out the tiny Christmas tree that was in his hospital room dusted it off and put it on display. It is covered with the remaining rose bells and balls we bought that first Christmas 25 years ago. They are becoming very old and tattered, maybe I should wrap them very carefully and retire them till my Son is old enough to have his own tree, but that is my Christmas gift from Jennifer. A gentle reminder from some one else who really loved him about trying to embrace his love and light during the holidays. John brought the joy and it is so wonderful having some one to share that with. Thank you Jennifer, you are loved!
Love and Light
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)