Good intentions

Good Day

I keep intending to write but I have just been so busy. With school and getting ready for the holidays I feel like I am constantly juggling something.
Spent time with my family this weekend, went to see the kids pageant for Christmas at church. It was a good weekend. I was even bold enough to go take communion, I have not taken communion in years. It is hard enough to get myself in the door and seated. They closed with Silent Night and again my eyes fill up with tears, being in that place at Christmas time where everything happened...we were all married in that church, our children were all baptised in that church, my husbands funeral service was in that church. Christmas makes me very sentimental about John. He brought great joy to the holidays.
My son is really struggling right now with missing him. His memory is beginning to fade and that is almost too much for him to handle, losing the sound of his voice and the picture of him in his head. It is really amazing to me he has been able to hold on to it this long. He was only 5 when John died and it has been a really long time.
I wish so much I could fix him and make him not hurt, but I can do nothing. All I can do is listen I can't make the pain go away. As a parent nothing is worse than seeing your child suffer, and my child has known so much suffering.
I feel like in talking about grief and loss I should mention the Sandy Hook families, as you face this horrible loss know that the world cares about you and so many prayers and good intentions go out to you and those you have lost. What a horrible and unthinkable act of violence.
I wonder how it must feel turning on your computer and being bombarded with articles, turning on the tv and hearing it over and over, going on to Facebook and seeing all of the little stars in the memory of...how numb you must all be. Probably sick of hearing about Jesus and Gods plan, I don't know why people think that helps when something horrible happens...as I can say from experience it doesn't. I am sure that will piss a few people off, but sometimes when horrible things happen it is just best left as. I am sorry. I am here if you need me. Make a casserole(that they probably won't eat)...because some things just suck. It is that simple, or it should be that simple. People need to be allowed to process grief how they need too, if it is by prayer and embracing Jesus so be it, but it needs to be a choice, no one needs to hear, "It was Gods plan" or "Now your baby is with Jesus" because that just sucks. My heart goes out to you all.

Love and Light