Anxiety and taking a trip down memory lane….

Anxiety and taking a trip down memory lane….

Part 1

Greetings,
 

Who knew-after all of these years Pete Whetstone (not his real name) could still make me throw up, make me want to “cut class” or in this case the graduation party. I think my ownership of HIM should be stronger. I have in fact kicked his ass. I ripped his shirt while pummeling him into a locker, so why am I throwing up? Probably he should be throwing up in fear of my all mighty kickasstitude. He was a bully. He was mean to me, he was cruel and tormented me. I kicked his as three times-so maybe he was not the smartest fellow. Like don’t fuck with the dog if you know you are going to get bit. Yes I am the one throwing up.

So I am watching the clock in sweet anticipation. I want to do this for my friend. I want to show up at her sons graduation because she is important to me. I want to support her. I let anxiety win at her daughters graduation. I am not going to let anxiety win this time. I need hope. Literally I need HOPE. I am doing this out of respect for Hope. You people have to wonder what drugs I am on some times as I talk in such cryptic coding. Hell-I know what I am talking about. Speaking of cryptic coding if anyone figures out the reference to Whetstone-who he really is, and why I used Whetstone….drinks are on me!

That blonde, you know the one. The one that is not me. You know, the hot one. You know the one every guy fell head over heels for, maybe-just maybe I will get to see her too. I don’t dislike her. She is not particularly fond of me-long story. Partially my fault and I sure as hell can own that. Maybe if I see her I can try and make amends.

Why does Dawn have to be so damn popular? She is so social. She still talks to like everyone. People randomly show up at her door…and she is cool with that. My circle is much smaller, and I hate it being invaded.

I was talking to Dean and he said he felt a little apprehensive when we had to go to a similar function with his friends from school and to remember we are all adults now. That is in part true, many of us are adults now but not always the case. Sometimes the “means girls” grow up and are still the “mean girls”.

So can I do it….I think I can. I think I can. I think I can!

If not…I can always kick Whetstone’s ass-yet again. (Really I would not do that out of respect for my friend and her boys special day). I am just being silly.

I will let you know how it goes.

Just remember if you don’t push outside of your comfort zone-you will miss out on a lot of things. You will miss out on life.

I think I can!

Wish me luck!

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

Thought for the day....(maybe two)

Greetings,

Memorial Day is here, many people have been enjoying a long weekend with camping and BBQ’s. However it is important to remember what this day is really about. Memorial Day is to honor and remember those who have died in military service. Make sure you take a moment to think about and thank those who have served our country. It is a time to honor the men and women who died in all wars.

I was not in the fun and frolic mode but I must share something I found to be inspirational. While attending a Memorial Service I had the opportunity to witness something you just don’t see every day. At least you generally don’t see it in my world. At this Memorial Service I saw this wonderful man supporting his ex-wife. She had lost her Father, and being an only child this wonderful man Larry came in support of her. He sat next to her in the front row. She was safely nestled between Larry and her son. Certainly Larry came because he loved Wayne. Certainly he came in support of Travis, but he was supporting his ex-wife. It was really a thing of beauty. As it is not in just these moments that he shows up in support of her, he will pick up her medication for her at the pharmacy, he will take her out for lunch-and they did not even have a child together. (I must say he certainly did many years of parenting). Most people can’t even co-parent together without drama. This couple maintains some kind of friendship, some kind of special bond that we could all learn from. I found it to be very inspiring!

“It is rare, it seems, that couples are able to hold onto a friendship and remain close while still moving on after the divorce. I am always impressed when I see couples who manage to stay friends, as it takes strength in character and an understanding of the bigger picture to rise above the hurt”(Meyers, 2011). I saw strength and character and it was a thing of beauty. Every couple has their own relationship dance. All you have to do is change your part in the dance.

Life is sticky and messy sometimes all we can do is try … attempt to make the best out of what time we have here on earth with the people we love.

Love and Light

Agoraphobia Gurl

Reference

Meyers PsyD, Seth (2011). Stay Friends after Divorce: Why, Coping, & Moving On

Avoiding friendship with your ex is often about denial. Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201106/stay-friends-after-divorce-why-coping-moving

Father-Husband-Friend-Healer

Father-Husband-Friend-Healer-Sponsor-Coach-Neighbor-Mentor

Daddy-Grandpa…it always comes back to Daddy!

     A man with an amazing smile, bright blue eyes, and red hair. A man who could make you smile. A man who could make you feel like everything would be ok. A man who loved to garden and hot damn that man could cook. He made the most amazing shrimp creole! He endured hours of badge work, dancing and doing all kinds of crazy things with us girls. A man who took pride in his appearance. A man who took pride in all aspects of his life. It was very apparent early on his greatest pride and joy was his daughter Tamara. I think-actually I am pretty secure in knowing that he would say his greatest accomplishment was Tamara. Fast forward MANY years-welcome the little heart stealer Travis. He would be the next greatest joy and biggest accomplishment- that Grandparent thing takes things to a whole new level!

    Wayne and Judy met at Schultz Brothers-and the rest was history! They married at Saint Mary’s Church, and had a beautiful little girl named Tamara who they gave every ounce of love they had. Tammy and I met at Hadfield Elementary School on the first day of kindergarten in Mrs. Peterson’s class, for many years we became inseparable. We shared many firsts. We shared love and laughter. As time often does, we had ebbs and flows but she is my first best friend and I love her with all my heart. However this isn’t about me and Tammy.

The Sobye’s-we spent many hours sitting on that front stoop so I got to observe a thing or two. Tinsel is put on the Christmas tree in individual strands, you brew tea in the sun, and raw potatoes are in fact edible. Love is unconditional. Christmas Carols are a must. Family is sacred. Frozen Reese’s Peanut butter eggs are AWESOME! Don’t piss off an Italian. It was a house of love. I had my own little house of love in which Mrs. Sobye would occasionally grace us with her presence and Mom and Judy would sit on the swing on the front porch and laugh. Tammy and I would make crazy cupcakes and little pizzas. Good times with good friends create great memories. My Dad and Judy would get a little crazy too!

My son often says his relationship role models are my parents, because they have what a relationship is supposed to have. I am glad that my son has that. I am glad that he sees that. That is what the Sobye’s had too. They were a strong couple, best of friends, and were together till Judy took her last breath. Love is unconditional. Family is sacred.

Wayne grieved and found the ability to smile and love life again, not only from the love and support of family and friends but from his beloved Fred. I remember the day I met Fred. It was in a Super America, I had not seen “my Mister” in a very long time and I saw him and I started to sob-just sob! I introduced him to my son and Mr. Sobye gave me that award winning smile and a big hug. I was a spectacle! I created a spectacle-and Fred still lets me in the house! You fellas traveled, dined, and enjoyed life. You shared laughter. I am grateful to you.

Wayne passed away peacefully on Sunday, May 10, 2015, at the age of 73 years. Loving father of Tamara and proud grandfather of Travis. Very special friend of Fred. Survived by sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, other relatives and friends.

    

Travis referred to his Grandparents as his best friends and that is truly a testament to GREATNESS! When a teenager or young adult still carves out that time and desires to spend that time, because it is so precious with the parents or Grandparents-something was done right!

A house of love built on a firm foundation.

 My Dearest Mr. Sobye-I am sorry I couldn’t get those chocolate chip cookies to you in time. One last I love you till we meet again. You will be missed. You are already missed. You have touched the lives of many. You have made a difference in this world by making it a better place. I am so honored to have known you. I will try and keep an eye on Tammy and remind her she is loved and treasured. I will remind her the importance of Christmas carols, skin care, and to brew her tea in the sun. I will remind her she is not alone. I will remind her it is ok to grieve in any manner she needs to and I will try to help her pick up the pieces when the time comes. Love is unconditional and family is sacred.

A Memorial Visitation will be held on Friday, May 22, from 4:00 PM until the time of a celebration of his life at 6:00 PM at CHURCH AND CHAPEL FUNERAL HOME, 380 Bluemound Rd. (corner of Hwy. J and JJ, south of I-94), Waukesha.

Dance in the heavens-laugh with Judy, Sally, and those you love!

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl-Laura

McProm and other Assorted Shenanigans

Greetings!

What a beautiful day here in Wisconsin! The sun was shining, it was the first day of the Farmers Market and I was actually out and about participating in life. I ran a few errands in the morning-like I had to visit my mushroom fella and Addictive Pretzels at the Farmers Market. Went out afterwards with my Mom and my son. We went to Comic Book Day at Neptune’s-I got to touch Thor’s hammer!

That’s right-be jealous: )

Agoraphobia Gurl was on point and on the town! We ran some more assorted errands- we even went bowling, had I been golfing my score would have rocked! I guess what matters is I made it out and I rocked!

We did have a freaky experience in the McDonald’s-like a hoard of Prom goers randomly entered the McDonalds. I was standing by myself and I began to have an anxiety attack as it felt as if I were being swarmed by Disney Princess’! So I guess it was my freaky experience as no one was freaking but me. Several people left-like the non-Disney Prom crowd, but I worked it. I did my breathing. I did my breathing. I stayed focused and it was ok. I was ok. Leave it to me-Disney Princess Pre Prom Anxiety Attack-true story!

I asked the Gal behind the counter if this was normal and apparently yes pre and post prom McDonalds is the hot spot-my son plans to return next year at prom-they were really lovely!

So I guess the moral of the day is LIVE LIVE LIVE- try and jump out of that fishbowl and get some life on!!! Inside of each of us lives a little bit of a Super Hero-You Got This!

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

Narcissist spelled backwards.....

Greetings-

Happy Earth Day? This is one of those days that began the spiraling crumbling process of my brain-why is simply unimportant. Of course it is gloomy and grey-it matches my mood. That day many years ago was gloomy and grey too. I should have known.

Something is to be said for the Scarlet Letter or Easy A for that matter-some people should come with a warning label. I know this is kind of ironic coming from me being so “anti-label”, but you put your trust in someone based on faith in humanity and time after time you just don’t know what hand you are being dealt. 

Like you-my narcissist. You should have a label-“Narcissistic Prick”. I feel like warning labels might be helpful, especially for your next victim. Some may call me passive aggressive-usually they are of the narcissistic nature. I can live with passive aggressive- of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials. No one is perfect. 

Labels-

·         Full of Crap

·         Psychopath

·         Complete with Anger Issues-come on-you have to admit you kind of can see my point at least.

I am fully aware people are good -kind, generous, loving…and this is why we might want to think about warning labels.

So much discord and it is not just me- friction, chaos, lack of harmony. All over the place. Feeling peace-finding peace-just trying to keep it together.

I live with agoraphobia. I lived life, now I spend a lot of time observing life…some simple things people need to know (which really would be common sense).

1.      If an elderly man is sick with cancer-PICK UP THE PIG ROASTER YOURSELF!!!

2.       If the man who bought you a horse is dying-visit HIM don’t go to Spain!!!

3.       Caregivers are people too-feed them, love them, call and check on them.

4.       It is so nice that NOW that he is sick-you want to spend time with him (which I guess in fact more appropriate than a vacation to Spain).

5.       Don’t lie to children.

6.       Don’t hurt children.

7.       Participate.

8.       If you say you are going to do something-do it.

9.       Be kind.

10.   Caregivers are people too-feed them, love them, call and check on them. (I know I said that twice).

“Major depressive disorder is one of the most common mental disorders in the United States. Each year about 6.7% of U.S adults experience major depressive disorder. Women are 70 % more likely than men to experience depression during their lifetime.  Non-Hispanic blacks are 40% less likely than non-Hispanic whites to experience depression during their lifetime.  The average age of onset is 32 years old. Additionally, 3.3% of 13 to 18 year olds have experienced a seriously debilitating depressive disorder” (NIH National Institute of Mental Health, 2015).

The other day I saw this posted on Facebook- “The only difference between successful people and non-successful people is this:

Non successful people bitch and complain at what the successful people are doing. They hate on it and make it their job to be non-successful hater warlords of negativity.

Successful people laugh at that shit and get the work done.” I am not sure if this is arrogance, foolishness, but I found it to be slightly irritating. Let’s start out with what is success? Is it the attainment of popularity or profit, some may define it as so. Is it about attaining prosperity, perhaps to some? I guess one would have to define prosperity. I don’t have a lot of money, but I have made a difference, I have made an impact. I can be-for the most part-proud of who I am and my actions. By personal definition I am successful and I am prosperous in all ways that matter.

Today is Earth Day-

Take care of it, we only get one. Take care of your mind, body, and soul. Take care of others. Do these things every day.

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

Reference

NIH (2015) National Institute of Mental Health. What is Depression? Retrieved from: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml

Breathe in Breathe out…

Greetings,

Spring has sprung-still feeling undone. Perhaps all of the events of the weekend just simply overwhelmed me. Perhaps everything is just overwhelming me. Usually as the days get longer and brighter life seems to get a little better. Nothing is feeling better, at best life is manageable.

Let’s start out with being the uninvited guest. I do not do particularly well as the invited guest. Saturday morning I felt like a tiny little gladiator walking into the Amphitheatrum Flavium. Not an ounce of Khaleesi in me nor a dragon by my side, uncertain of what laid in waiting.

Well, I didn’t die. Nothing speared me (maybe an eyeball or two), and it wasn’t all horrible. I got to see some people I genuinely love. I saw some people I could have lived without seeing. I got to see a nephew who I have not seen in too many years too count. It was weird. It was emotional. It was fucked up-excuse my language. It was such a plethora of dysfunction, kind of makes me seem normal. This was my Mother in law’s 80^th birthday party. She is no longer my mother in law, however one of her relatives actually asked me who I was –fine-to be expected- I said I was married to John. She asked me who John was….seriously!

I went for my niece. I got to hang with my great niece (is that how it works?) that was priceless. I am grateful to have been able to see and spend a little time with some people who are amazing and loving. I never thought I would see Linda or Vernie again (and Al) so for that I feel blessed. I got to spend some time with my nephew, who I have never really spent any time with-as you may or may not know I am in fact Satin-Lucifer…I am not exactly sure. Some people have some pretty messed up opinions because reality is I am a pretty good person. Chances are if you really know me, you know that.

Sunday we went to brunch with my Mom and Dad-that was peaceful. I didn’t mind the haunted bathroom. I could have used more time with my Mom-her wisdom is astounding.

Today’s highlight was a mammogram. I actually don’t mind the act of the mammogram itself. It doesn’t really hurt, it is really just awkward. The tech was Rachel and she was super nice. The problem with today, the Women’s Health Center is in the belly of the beast. One lone agoraphobic tunneling the halls, entering elevators all by her agoraphobic self. However, I again did not die. I had a hot flash panic attack somewhere between the green elevator and the yellow triangle. Honestly I kind of got lost on route out too, but I found my Annie making coffee-I had entered my comfort zone in the hospital (I only have a few) and as an added bonus I found a safe person to boot! As luck would have it I ran into my former therapist “Yoda”, he saw me. I saw him. He moved quickly, very quickly. I liked it. It is like this, either he thinks I am a crazy woman and he fears me or he knows he is an ass. I hope it was both. That kind of made my day.

I have no words of inspiration-none of my infamous quotes or perils of knowledge. Just sometimes life sucks. Just remember to breathe…

Love and Light

Agoraphobia Gurl

And He Doesn’t Wear Cowboy Boots

And He Doesn’t Wear Cowboy Boots

Greetings,

     It is a beautiful Saturday and I have spent the last several weeks, perhaps months becoming slightly unglued. I just finished up my Criminal Behavior class-of course an A-very sad that it is over. I could spend forever studying the criminal mind. I wish I would have had the faith and dedication when I was younger that I have now. For many of my passions I am now “too old” which is the truth. Plain and simple truth. That is ok, life took me on this trip for a reason, and really most of which I would not change.

     

Today I was reminded of the courage it takes to get me out of the door. I don’t really think about it in those terms too often now, so I guess when I get the pat on the back from a stranger it is kind of nice. A reminder that I am not hiding on the floor because my landlord is outside. A reminder that I made it out of the house and to where I was going. It has been rough lately, sometimes I just want to curl up in a little ball. However sometimes I just push forward. I was supposed to meet Dawn on Thursday and I was having a crappy anxiety day, and instead of bailing, instead of cowering I texted her and said I will meet you downtown. Which I did. I just said I am going to do this and I faced the fear. The agoraphobia isn’t going to win (screw you “Yoda”).

    

 Today I went to meet a new Doctor in a different office I was pretty determined to hate him. I was pretty determined that this wasn’t going to be “the one” but much to my surprise I think he might just be ok. Before I met him when I was talking to the MA and she was getting my information, I was kind of interviewing her. How long have you worked for him? Do you enjoy working for him?-You get the picture. She loves him. Which when I called to make the appointment the desk is who swayed me in this direction. He walks into the room and starts asking me questions, which I answer. I start asking him questions, which he answers. Do you plan on moving any time in the near future? That was a no-his wife’s family lives in Brookfield (this means they are going NO WHERE). He is at least 10 years younger than myself, so he won’t be retiring any time in the near future. He seems to get my warped personality. He seems kind, and we laughed. I am pretty sure he won’t put up with my crap. This might just be the guy. My new “Primary”. After hearing my story he thanked me for making it to see him, which he understood that it took courage. It did.

    

 Sometimes we forget the amazing things that we handle each day. Sometimes we don’t see the obstacles we overcome. Sometimes it is so much easier to be focused on what we are not doing right. What our short comings are. For today just try and remember all of the greatness that you are and all that you have achieved.  Just for today, no beating yourself up. Just for today maybe give something or someone new a chance.

     

The man with the gentle smile and the cowboy boots can never be replaced, but I can certainly make room for someone new.

Open your mind and open your heart to new possibilities.

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl