Greetings,
Spring has sprung-still feeling undone. Perhaps all of the
events of the weekend just simply overwhelmed me. Perhaps everything is just
overwhelming me. Usually as the days get longer and brighter life seems to get
a little better. Nothing is feeling better, at best life is manageable.
Let’s start out with being the uninvited guest. I do not do
particularly well as the invited guest. Saturday morning I felt like a tiny
little gladiator walking into the Amphitheatrum
Flavium. Not an ounce of Khaleesi in me nor a dragon
by my side, uncertain of what laid in waiting.
Well, I didn’t die.
Nothing speared me (maybe an eyeball or two), and it wasn’t all horrible. I got
to see some people I genuinely love. I saw some people I could have lived
without seeing. I got to see a nephew who I have not seen in too many years too
count. It was weird. It was emotional. It was fucked up-excuse my language. It
was such a plethora of dysfunction, kind of makes me seem normal. This was my
Mother in law’s 80th birthday party. She is no longer my mother in
law, however one of her relatives actually asked me who I was –fine-to be
expected- I said I was married to John. She asked me who John was….seriously!
I went for my niece.
I got to hang with my great niece (is that how it works?) that was priceless. I
am grateful to have been able to see and spend a little time with some people
who are amazing and loving. I never thought I would see Linda or Vernie again
(and Al) so for that I feel blessed. I got to spend some time with my nephew,
who I have never really spent any time with-as you may or may not know I am in fact
Satin-Lucifer…I am not exactly sure. Some people have some pretty messed up
opinions because reality is I am a pretty good person. Chances are if you
really know me, you know that.
Sunday we went to
brunch with my Mom and Dad-that was peaceful. I didn’t mind the haunted
bathroom. I could have used more time with my Mom-her wisdom is astounding.
Today’s highlight
was a mammogram. I actually don’t mind the act of the mammogram itself. It
doesn’t really hurt, it is really just awkward. The tech was Rachel and she was
super nice. The problem with today, the Women’s Health Center is in the belly
of the beast. One lone agoraphobic tunneling the halls, entering elevators all
by her agoraphobic self. However, I again did not die. I had a hot flash panic
attack somewhere between the green elevator and the yellow triangle. Honestly I
kind of got lost on route out too, but I found my Annie making coffee-I had entered
my comfort zone in the hospital (I only have a few) and as an added bonus I
found a safe person to boot! As luck would have it I ran into my former
therapist “Yoda”, he saw me. I saw him. He moved quickly, very quickly. I liked
it. It is like this, either he thinks I am a crazy woman and he fears me or he
knows he is an ass. I hope it was both. That kind of made my day.
I have no words of
inspiration-none of my infamous quotes or perils of knowledge. Just sometimes
life sucks. Just remember to breathe…
Love and Light
Agoraphobia Gurl
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