Greetings,
I read that today on one of my friends facebook pages, I want to LIVE not survive! AMEN!
I feel that deeply. I want to LIVE not just survive.
My last post was about my chaotic day, my choke at Chili's. Today Dean and I went out for lunch again. He offered to go any where, he offered Qdobas, and he hates going out for Mexican. I named off the places I had coupons for, and I said or we could go to Denny's ( I am trying to be slick).
First we have to go to Walgreen's. I need to go to the pharmacy. My copays have been really high, and I ask again, yes AGAIN, why? So this process is taking forever. I love the pharmacy techs!
I love Jenny. I love the girl who looks like Ashley Tisdale with brown hair. I love my Toni, you want something done right, you want a correct answer you need to see Toni! The pharmacist Drew, very nice guy...you do see this pattern of high praise right? So the pharmacy manager, we will just call her "That Woman" I am pretty sure she is evil, she has limited people skills(she talks down to EVERYONE), she is just plain rude. I try to be nice to her, I really do, but reality is I want to slap her down. So I am getting agitated, which leads me to anxious, anxious=anxiety. So it is now what time, oh yeah...high noon. Lunch time people. I chew two diazepam otherwise this just is not going to happen. Again Dean is being nice. Once upon a time I was a out to luch kind of gal. A nice lingering lunch with a co-worker at the Chinese buffet sipping my iced tea, breakfast at luch, it was one of my favorite things. Lunch and the book store, now we are talking. Well that was before when I was living, not surviving.
I picked George Webbs, if we followed the same pattern as the Chili's event I would at least be hurling up a much less expensive meal. Plus Dean likes Webbs and I wont ever go. It was busy, but we got seated right away. The server had pretty nails and sparkling blue eyes, maybe this won't be so bad. I didn't used to like Webbs but it really wasn't bad. I had a tasty inexpensive breakfast, and I didn't die or puke. I didn't play in my purse. I did play with the menu some, but over all it was do-able. Like I jokingly said I wanted to come back for dinner for a cheese steak, and he said we could if I really wanted to. I don't plan to, it is like 7 out. Love Wisconsin! Today was much better for me. I have never even been in that George Webb's before. I sat in a both by a window, maybe that helped.
I want to live not survive...
I also wanted to thank all of you that called me and messaged me after the Chili's incident. I felt a lot of love and support. Your kindness and understanding means so much to me.
My love to you all.
LIVE DON'T JUST SURVIVE!!!
Love and Light!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Choked in Chili's
Greetings,
Beautiful day today here in the Midwest, aside from the rain. It was almost 60 today, sadly tomorrow returns to typical Wisconsin weather.
So it is beautiful out. I should have a good day right? WRONG. Dean was kind enough to take me to Chili's for lunch. I keep my mouth shut as we drive past "my Denny's". Yeah, Denny's is within my scope of do-ability. I generally do not go when it is busy, we usually end up with the same server, who identifies me as a little off...like can sense like, but she knows my quirks and she always gets me a to go glass for my iced tea because I can never finish it.
Back to Chili's, we go at lunch time. LUNCH TIME, like every one is at Chili's. They got us to a table in a pretty quick manner. Thank Goodness!!! I start to fidget, I need a fidget ring now that I don't carry random things in my pocket in the event of a melt down, I would carry crystals, worry stones, my sons baby teeth on occasion(yeah you are thinking that is over the top and I am creepy aren't you~lol. I don't care!) I start to play in my purse and start playing with my glasses. I am sure the server is thinking "Oh Great". I eat some of my lunch and need to stop because I am pretty sure I am going to die. I still have to run errands~FUCK! We made it out of Chili's alive. I had to set my purse down on the counter before we left to make sure I didn't leave any of the random crap I was playing with behind at my table. Got to love when the OCD kicks in too.
Pick-n-Save, so we are not in "My Pick-n-Save" but that is okay, kinda sort of, not really. I make it! I had a very small list and only forgot two things. I leave Dean in line(have not done that in a LONG LONG TIME) to run to the ladies room to get sick. He sends me to the car with the bags and goes to the next store without me, we both agree this is probably a good thing.
I still have one more stop, and a stop with a line. I wish I had some form of "crazy bitch let me pass" sticker. If they made one I would qualify, and I don't think people would necessarily mind letting the crazy bitch pass. Just my humble opinion. One hour later. I survived.
The moral of the story, always take a lot of diazepam, no not really! Well for me, I am allowed. I have a prescription! In a pinch Southern Comfort maybe. Seriously I should not be such a goof, it makes me a bad example or something. Southern Comfort is really not an option EVER. Here is the real moral of the story, if in fact the story has one. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. A "normal" person in an act of kindness would not really think of how much of a spiral changing from a "safe place" to just a place could send a person with agoraphobia or panic. On the road to better all you can do is roll with it. Suck it up Buttercup and keep moving forward!
Love and Light.
PS~I had one of those incidents in the gas station not too long ago. I stepped out of line for a second, as I was going to bolt, but I didn't. My blood sugar was low, really low. I jumped back in line and paid. I looked at the guy behind me and said sorry I had to put my stuff down for a second, and went on my not so merry way. Here is the thing, you don't know. You just don't know what that person in front of you or behind you is having an issue with. Try to be kind. Try to be understanding. I have ended up on the floor foaming at the mouth(sexy), bleeding from my head. Try to be kind, Try to be understanding if not because you are a good person and it is the right thing to do, do it so you don't get blood on your shoes.
Beautiful day today here in the Midwest, aside from the rain. It was almost 60 today, sadly tomorrow returns to typical Wisconsin weather.
So it is beautiful out. I should have a good day right? WRONG. Dean was kind enough to take me to Chili's for lunch. I keep my mouth shut as we drive past "my Denny's". Yeah, Denny's is within my scope of do-ability. I generally do not go when it is busy, we usually end up with the same server, who identifies me as a little off...like can sense like, but she knows my quirks and she always gets me a to go glass for my iced tea because I can never finish it.
Back to Chili's, we go at lunch time. LUNCH TIME, like every one is at Chili's. They got us to a table in a pretty quick manner. Thank Goodness!!! I start to fidget, I need a fidget ring now that I don't carry random things in my pocket in the event of a melt down, I would carry crystals, worry stones, my sons baby teeth on occasion(yeah you are thinking that is over the top and I am creepy aren't you~lol. I don't care!) I start to play in my purse and start playing with my glasses. I am sure the server is thinking "Oh Great". I eat some of my lunch and need to stop because I am pretty sure I am going to die. I still have to run errands~FUCK! We made it out of Chili's alive. I had to set my purse down on the counter before we left to make sure I didn't leave any of the random crap I was playing with behind at my table. Got to love when the OCD kicks in too.
Pick-n-Save, so we are not in "My Pick-n-Save" but that is okay, kinda sort of, not really. I make it! I had a very small list and only forgot two things. I leave Dean in line(have not done that in a LONG LONG TIME) to run to the ladies room to get sick. He sends me to the car with the bags and goes to the next store without me, we both agree this is probably a good thing.
I still have one more stop, and a stop with a line. I wish I had some form of "crazy bitch let me pass" sticker. If they made one I would qualify, and I don't think people would necessarily mind letting the crazy bitch pass. Just my humble opinion. One hour later. I survived.
The moral of the story, always take a lot of diazepam, no not really! Well for me, I am allowed. I have a prescription! In a pinch Southern Comfort maybe. Seriously I should not be such a goof, it makes me a bad example or something. Southern Comfort is really not an option EVER. Here is the real moral of the story, if in fact the story has one. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. A "normal" person in an act of kindness would not really think of how much of a spiral changing from a "safe place" to just a place could send a person with agoraphobia or panic. On the road to better all you can do is roll with it. Suck it up Buttercup and keep moving forward!
Love and Light.
PS~I had one of those incidents in the gas station not too long ago. I stepped out of line for a second, as I was going to bolt, but I didn't. My blood sugar was low, really low. I jumped back in line and paid. I looked at the guy behind me and said sorry I had to put my stuff down for a second, and went on my not so merry way. Here is the thing, you don't know. You just don't know what that person in front of you or behind you is having an issue with. Try to be kind. Try to be understanding. I have ended up on the floor foaming at the mouth(sexy), bleeding from my head. Try to be kind, Try to be understanding if not because you are a good person and it is the right thing to do, do it so you don't get blood on your shoes.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Why do we eat hummus?
The other day I asked a friend "Why do we eat hummus" , I know that is is supposed to be good for you, her response was simply "Because the Zohan said so", this naturally amuses the hell out of me.
Hummus is a Middle Eastern and Arabic food dip or spread made from cooked, mashed chickpeas blended with tahini, olive oil, lemon juice, salt and garlic. Hummus is high in iron and vitamin C and also has significant amounts of folate and vitamin B6. The chickpeas are a good source of protein and dietary fiber. Hummus is useful in vegetarian diets; like other combinations of grains and pulses, it serves as a complete protein when eaten with bread. I just don't know about all of that, I have been learning to try an like hummus as it is good for me, actually i will continue to try and stomach the hummus because the Zohan said so!
My "dietitian" (whom I have not seen in ages) is also a strong pusher of the ever popular Greek yogurt food trend. I can't even hold that in, so unless John Stamos shows up and hand feeds it to me in a loin cloth, it just isn't happening.
The most useful tip I have gotten in a long while was pick up the probiotics. I did and after just a few days I feel something changing, I was taking one of those lovely yogurt products that shall remain nameless but taste like sawdust is infused into it, YUCK.
So that was my random thought of the day. Really not so random, if you suffer from agoraphobia or panic chances are your stomach is just a hot mess so diet is an important factor too. Pick up the probiotics it is a worth while investment.
Happy Saturday!
Love and Light.
Hummus is a Middle Eastern and Arabic food dip or spread made from cooked, mashed chickpeas blended with tahini, olive oil, lemon juice, salt and garlic. Hummus is high in iron and vitamin C and also has significant amounts of folate and vitamin B6. The chickpeas are a good source of protein and dietary fiber. Hummus is useful in vegetarian diets; like other combinations of grains and pulses, it serves as a complete protein when eaten with bread. I just don't know about all of that, I have been learning to try an like hummus as it is good for me, actually i will continue to try and stomach the hummus because the Zohan said so!
My "dietitian" (whom I have not seen in ages) is also a strong pusher of the ever popular Greek yogurt food trend. I can't even hold that in, so unless John Stamos shows up and hand feeds it to me in a loin cloth, it just isn't happening.
The most useful tip I have gotten in a long while was pick up the probiotics. I did and after just a few days I feel something changing, I was taking one of those lovely yogurt products that shall remain nameless but taste like sawdust is infused into it, YUCK.
So that was my random thought of the day. Really not so random, if you suffer from agoraphobia or panic chances are your stomach is just a hot mess so diet is an important factor too. Pick up the probiotics it is a worth while investment.
Happy Saturday!
Love and Light.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Friday
Greetings
I was thinking about going out to see my friend Chuck play this weekend again but after opening up my 350.00 energy bill, I guess I will be staying home.
Seriously was not expecting that, I had to go meditate and listen to some soothing music, which improved my mood some. I have been cold all winter, my windows are all wrapped in plastic, and 350.00. Please keep in mind my house is the size of an apartment basically, a really small 2 bedroom house, everything on one floor...I mean REALLY.
Prior to opening the mail I had a lovely lunch with just me and my Dad. We rarely do that so it was nice.
Phobia Fun Fact:
Medically, phobias are classified as an anxiety disorder. Phobias are generally divided into five types:
I was thinking about going out to see my friend Chuck play this weekend again but after opening up my 350.00 energy bill, I guess I will be staying home.
Seriously was not expecting that, I had to go meditate and listen to some soothing music, which improved my mood some. I have been cold all winter, my windows are all wrapped in plastic, and 350.00. Please keep in mind my house is the size of an apartment basically, a really small 2 bedroom house, everything on one floor...I mean REALLY.
Prior to opening the mail I had a lovely lunch with just me and my Dad. We rarely do that so it was nice.
Phobia Fun Fact:
Medically, phobias are classified as an anxiety disorder. Phobias are generally divided into five types:
- Phobias of animals (snakes, spiders, dogs)
- Phobias of the natural environment (thunder, lightening, water)
- Phobias of blood / injection / injury ( seeing blood, getting a shot, going to the dentist, or having a medical procedure)
- Phobias that are situational (high places, driving, flying)
- Other phobias are phobias that don't fit into any of the other four categories (fears of swallowing, blushing, or vomiting).
Agyrophobia: fear of crossing streets, highways and other
thoroughfares; or fear of streets themselves. Agyrophobia comes from the Greek
"gyrus" meaning turning or whirling.
Gephyrophobia: fear of crossing bridges. Their fear can be
a combination of claustrophobia (fear of close spaces) and acrophobia (the fear
of heights). Phobic drivers may worry so much about being in an accident or
losing control of their vehicles that they avoid driving or actually create the
very accident they are trying to avoid. High bridges over waterways and gorges
can be especially intimidating. Very long or narrow bridges can also be
particularly problematic. When I was seven years old we drove to Disney World in
Florida. Although I did not have a phobia of bridges, I do remember feeling a
sense of anxiety while travelling on the bridges that seemed to go for miles
over the Everglades. Fear of bridges is a relatively common phobia.
"Gephyrophobia" comes from the Greek words "gephyra" which means bridge. Also
listed as Gephysrophobia.
I have been going out and running my errands, I faced the Wal-Mart again. I had the crushing in my chest, shakes, and all of that wonderment, but I managed. I did not run. I finished my shopping as normally as any one else who goes into a Wal-Mart.
Hope you have an enjoyable weekend. Try to do something for you. Try to do something positive, and most of all try and have some fun.
Love and Light.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Powerless
Greetings,
I have a special person in my life who I have known almost forever, but our relationship has had its ebbs and flows. We have been communicating online for about five years, the sad thing of it is we live just a few blocks from one another. Oddly enough, that his been consistent for the most part with in all of our moves, we always end up living relatively close to one another. She too suffers from agoraphobia and panic, so even though we are a few blocks from one another we cannot manage to connect.
"An agoraphobia sufferer may eventually have a very restricted lifestyle. In severe cases the person will never leave the house and is dependent on other people. Being housebound usually means the patient's job prospects are severely limited. His/her social life, opportunities for education and learning new skills, walking the dog, running errands, or taking part in various daily activities are affected.
People with untreated agoraphobia have a much higher risk of developing depression, further anxiety disorders, and turning to alcohol or other substances. " ( Nordqvis ,2009)
I am at a point where I could go to her house, I would need some one to take me, but I could certainly do it. But I am not in her safe zone. I am not in her comfort zone. I wish so much I could help her in some way. I have invited her to come here, but that is not something she is able to do. I know at least a little part of her wants to. In the summer I think she would have enjoyed my shaded backyard filled with flowers. I think she would have enjoyed floating around in my little pool. I think being able to spend some time together, being able to laugh and be silly would do us both a world of good. I think we could join forces and make one another stronger.
If you are reading this my friend, I hope you are not angry that I posted it. I have kept it as impersonal as possible, but please know I love you and I am here for you.
"Feeling trapped, stuck, or stifled is a horrible feeling. We feel powerless and out of control. We know that we don’t want to be where we are, but either we don’t know where it is we would rather be, or we have no idea how to get there. It can seem impossible to take even the first step towards a destination that seems so very far away." -Amanda Harvey lifecoach http://www.choosing-life-my-way.com/feeling-trapped.html
Don't give up!
Love and Light.
I have a special person in my life who I have known almost forever, but our relationship has had its ebbs and flows. We have been communicating online for about five years, the sad thing of it is we live just a few blocks from one another. Oddly enough, that his been consistent for the most part with in all of our moves, we always end up living relatively close to one another. She too suffers from agoraphobia and panic, so even though we are a few blocks from one another we cannot manage to connect.
"An agoraphobia sufferer may eventually have a very restricted lifestyle. In severe cases the person will never leave the house and is dependent on other people. Being housebound usually means the patient's job prospects are severely limited. His/her social life, opportunities for education and learning new skills, walking the dog, running errands, or taking part in various daily activities are affected.
People with untreated agoraphobia have a much higher risk of developing depression, further anxiety disorders, and turning to alcohol or other substances. " ( Nordqvis ,2009)
I am at a point where I could go to her house, I would need some one to take me, but I could certainly do it. But I am not in her safe zone. I am not in her comfort zone. I wish so much I could help her in some way. I have invited her to come here, but that is not something she is able to do. I know at least a little part of her wants to. In the summer I think she would have enjoyed my shaded backyard filled with flowers. I think she would have enjoyed floating around in my little pool. I think being able to spend some time together, being able to laugh and be silly would do us both a world of good. I think we could join forces and make one another stronger.
If you are reading this my friend, I hope you are not angry that I posted it. I have kept it as impersonal as possible, but please know I love you and I am here for you.
"Feeling trapped, stuck, or stifled is a horrible feeling. We feel powerless and out of control. We know that we don’t want to be where we are, but either we don’t know where it is we would rather be, or we have no idea how to get there. It can seem impossible to take even the first step towards a destination that seems so very far away." -Amanda Harvey lifecoach http://www.choosing-life-my-way.com/feeling-trapped.html
Don't give up!
Love and Light.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Middle of the night and here I sit...
Greetings
Yesterday was a good day. I got together with Dawn we had a lot of catching up to do. We visited from 3:30 - 8:00 and time went by quickly. If she didn't have children to tend to and work today we could possible still be sitting here.
I told her about the agoraphobia and the panic and it is nice to be remembered as a go girl who loved an adventure. People don't see me that way any more, as I am not that way any more, but in spending time with her I remember how much I want to be that carefree person again. So I guess keep on trying one day at a time.
She makes me feel inspired and she makes me feel young, like anything is still possible. When we were in high school we would skip out and go sit at Hardees with our spiral notebooks, writing poetry or lyrics, how ever you want to look at it. We would make such big plans, it is too bad we never got the opportunity to make any of those dreams realities together. Once upon a time we were going to open a night club( an existing bowling alley) and make it funkadelic from top to bottom. We were really goal driven teenagers, sadly the attendance office did not see it that way. But life happens. She got married pretty quick out of high school and became a domestic goddess and mother of two. She has actually done a lot of cool things with her life but it is not my place to get too personal about her life on my blog.
We talked about family and friends, we talked about her Mom, may she rest in peace, that woman had an impact on my life. She was not in my life personally very long but she was an amazing woman. Politically active and aspiring writer. I always thought she was so cool upstairs drinking her coffee, typing away on the next manuscript, and occasionally sashaying her way down the stairs to make chocolate chip pancakes. She was a woman who inspired me.
After Dawn left I climbed into bed and wrote, maybe it is time to pick up a new spiral notebook again. How I wish I could find my old one.
Do you have an old friend you have not seen in ages, maybe you are afraid to reach out? It could be for reasons of vanity( yeah I had to own that one) it could be because you are afraid of what that person might think about your mental situation; your panic your agoraphobia. Don't let it stop you. One of the most theraputic things I think I have done for myself is seeing Dawn. She didn't judge, and she was a gentle reminder of everything I was and every thing I still could be.
Be kind to yourself.
Love and Light
Yesterday was a good day. I got together with Dawn we had a lot of catching up to do. We visited from 3:30 - 8:00 and time went by quickly. If she didn't have children to tend to and work today we could possible still be sitting here.
I told her about the agoraphobia and the panic and it is nice to be remembered as a go girl who loved an adventure. People don't see me that way any more, as I am not that way any more, but in spending time with her I remember how much I want to be that carefree person again. So I guess keep on trying one day at a time.
She makes me feel inspired and she makes me feel young, like anything is still possible. When we were in high school we would skip out and go sit at Hardees with our spiral notebooks, writing poetry or lyrics, how ever you want to look at it. We would make such big plans, it is too bad we never got the opportunity to make any of those dreams realities together. Once upon a time we were going to open a night club( an existing bowling alley) and make it funkadelic from top to bottom. We were really goal driven teenagers, sadly the attendance office did not see it that way. But life happens. She got married pretty quick out of high school and became a domestic goddess and mother of two. She has actually done a lot of cool things with her life but it is not my place to get too personal about her life on my blog.
We talked about family and friends, we talked about her Mom, may she rest in peace, that woman had an impact on my life. She was not in my life personally very long but she was an amazing woman. Politically active and aspiring writer. I always thought she was so cool upstairs drinking her coffee, typing away on the next manuscript, and occasionally sashaying her way down the stairs to make chocolate chip pancakes. She was a woman who inspired me.
After Dawn left I climbed into bed and wrote, maybe it is time to pick up a new spiral notebook again. How I wish I could find my old one.
Do you have an old friend you have not seen in ages, maybe you are afraid to reach out? It could be for reasons of vanity( yeah I had to own that one) it could be because you are afraid of what that person might think about your mental situation; your panic your agoraphobia. Don't let it stop you. One of the most theraputic things I think I have done for myself is seeing Dawn. She didn't judge, and she was a gentle reminder of everything I was and every thing I still could be.
Be kind to yourself.
Love and Light
Monday, January 21, 2013
Coming out of the closet so to speak...
Greetings,
Today I put a face to the name. I tried to keep this semi private, I didn't want to embarrass my son(as I only do refer to him as my son in the blog), or my family, or maybe even myself. I wanted to help people by sharing my life but for this moment I am really going to commit. You can see my face. I am not sure if this will be a permanent fixture on my profile and I will admit I am feeling a bit anxious now that I have done it.
Sufferers will usually only experience the symptoms when they find themselves in a situation or environment that causes them anxiety. Physical symptoms are rare because most people with agoraphobia avoid situations that they believe will trigger panic. When symptoms do occur, they may include:
These symptoms are sometimes related to the physical symptoms:
Just a little reminder about what this is all about. Not just simply MY life, many people suffer from anxiety and agoraphobia.
For me the therapy and the medication really has not done much of anything, it is really just putting yourself out into the world and trying to manage it. Some days are good. Some days are really really bad. I have been doing a little bit better as of late and yesterday I was in Wal-Mart and it started, the panic, the anxiety, that crushing feeling in my heart, my compulsive need to check my blood sugar...all of it, and I have been doing so good. I guess it as simple as that old AA "One Day At A Time". That is all we really can do just take it one day at a time and do the best we can.
Love and Light
Today I put a face to the name. I tried to keep this semi private, I didn't want to embarrass my son(as I only do refer to him as my son in the blog), or my family, or maybe even myself. I wanted to help people by sharing my life but for this moment I am really going to commit. You can see my face. I am not sure if this will be a permanent fixture on my profile and I will admit I am feeling a bit anxious now that I have done it.
Physical symptoms of agoraphobia
Sufferers will usually only experience the symptoms when they find themselves in a situation or environment that causes them anxiety. Physical symptoms are rare because most people with agoraphobia avoid situations that they believe will trigger panic. When symptoms do occur, they may include:
- Accelerated heart beat.
- Rapid and shallow breathing (hyperventilating).
- Feeling hot, flushing.
- Stomach upset.
- Diahrea.
- Trouble swallowing.
- Breaking out in a sweat.
- Nausea.
- Trembling.
- Dizziness.
- Feeling light headed, as if one were about to faint.
- Ringing in the ears.
These symptoms are sometimes related to the physical symptoms:
- Fear that people will notice a panic attack, causing humiliation and embarrassment.
- Fear that during a panic attack their heart might stop, or they won't be able to breathe, and may die.
- Fear that the sufferer himself/herself is going crazy.
- Feeling a loss of control.
- Depression.
- General feeling of dread and anxiety.
- Thinking that without the help of others the sufferer himself/herself would never be able to function or survive.
- Dread of being left alone.
- Low self-confidence and self-esteem.
Just a little reminder about what this is all about. Not just simply MY life, many people suffer from anxiety and agoraphobia.
For me the therapy and the medication really has not done much of anything, it is really just putting yourself out into the world and trying to manage it. Some days are good. Some days are really really bad. I have been doing a little bit better as of late and yesterday I was in Wal-Mart and it started, the panic, the anxiety, that crushing feeling in my heart, my compulsive need to check my blood sugar...all of it, and I have been doing so good. I guess it as simple as that old AA "One Day At A Time". That is all we really can do just take it one day at a time and do the best we can.
Love and Light
Saturday, January 19, 2013
And baby makes 7
Greetings
I have been pondering this for about a week now and I just can't shake it so I guess I need to put it out into cyber space and maybe feel just a little bit better.
I tried really hard to have a baby. I have one, he is now 16. I was supposed to have twins but I had vanishing twin syndrome, which in my eyes felt just like losing one of my babies. My friend Holly was blessed with one, and due to evil fibroids in her female area, that is all she got. We are both lucky to have our amazing children. Our stories are not uncommon, people have issues trying to have babies all of the time. But you have this other spectrum, people who can't seem to stop breeding. People who really have no business breeding. The other day I was watching a local news program and they were talking about the epidemic in this country where if a man does not feel like a man. If he is unable to provide emotional, financial, just plain old support to his family he has more children as that proves he is a man. Sounds kind of barbaric right? I shall spread my seed and be a man...ARGH. I don't think this is just a guy thing. My cousin for example,she could be straight out of a Jerry Springer episode. She has 4 baby daddies, I know she is getting some kind of state aid, which sometimes people need a little help and I have no problem with that but when you hit number 7 and you can't support them...keep your legs closed. She is having babies on purpose, this last set will be twins(which I think that is why this just is just boiling my blood), she doesn't take care of them. She can't support them, so stop being selfish and keep your legs closed.
It is not like we are talking about the Duggers, that is a loving Christian family who in fact can and do financially and emotionally support their family. Do I think it is a bit much, yes. Does it concern me, no. They are taking care of the family they made with out state assistance, and provide a loving home for them. Providing a loving and nurturing home for them. I don't exactly get them but they are good people, a little odd, but good people.
My teenage boy really does not eat a lot, but let me tell you, he is still expensive to feed. He likes Ramen and cereal so I guess I am lucky. New jeans, tae kwan do classes, books, shoes for his ever growing fee,t it isn't cheap. It is however worth it. I would not trade motherhood for anything. He is my greatness. No matter what I could achieve in life he would be my best thing. I can't even begin to list the things I would love to provide for him, but I can't. But he is happy, he is wise and he is good. I could not ask for anything more.
How do you and baby makes 7 plan on doing this? That is 14 growing feet. 7 mouths that need to be fed. School fees, extra activities like sports or dance. I think the last time you worked was at the counter at Cousin's. How exactly can you provide for these 7 children? The baby daddies are doing what they are supposed to do, what about you? What about your responsibility?
I am pretty sure we will be revisiting the vanishing twin syndrome and the inability to have more children in my life again at a later date. I still dream that baby, but not as much as I once did. My gynocologist has told me over and over it was not my fault. Maybe that is an issue we should visit here. Part of mental health, part of my mental health.
My agoraphobic self is staying in where it is warm, or at least warm-ish for the rest of the weekend. Went to Moms today for lunch and had a wonderful visit. Now my Lily is here for a sleep over.
Do something for you this weekend.
Love and Light.
I have been pondering this for about a week now and I just can't shake it so I guess I need to put it out into cyber space and maybe feel just a little bit better.
I tried really hard to have a baby. I have one, he is now 16. I was supposed to have twins but I had vanishing twin syndrome, which in my eyes felt just like losing one of my babies. My friend Holly was blessed with one, and due to evil fibroids in her female area, that is all she got. We are both lucky to have our amazing children. Our stories are not uncommon, people have issues trying to have babies all of the time. But you have this other spectrum, people who can't seem to stop breeding. People who really have no business breeding. The other day I was watching a local news program and they were talking about the epidemic in this country where if a man does not feel like a man. If he is unable to provide emotional, financial, just plain old support to his family he has more children as that proves he is a man. Sounds kind of barbaric right? I shall spread my seed and be a man...ARGH. I don't think this is just a guy thing. My cousin for example,she could be straight out of a Jerry Springer episode. She has 4 baby daddies, I know she is getting some kind of state aid, which sometimes people need a little help and I have no problem with that but when you hit number 7 and you can't support them...keep your legs closed. She is having babies on purpose, this last set will be twins(which I think that is why this just is just boiling my blood), she doesn't take care of them. She can't support them, so stop being selfish and keep your legs closed.
It is not like we are talking about the Duggers, that is a loving Christian family who in fact can and do financially and emotionally support their family. Do I think it is a bit much, yes. Does it concern me, no. They are taking care of the family they made with out state assistance, and provide a loving home for them. Providing a loving and nurturing home for them. I don't exactly get them but they are good people, a little odd, but good people.
My teenage boy really does not eat a lot, but let me tell you, he is still expensive to feed. He likes Ramen and cereal so I guess I am lucky. New jeans, tae kwan do classes, books, shoes for his ever growing fee,t it isn't cheap. It is however worth it. I would not trade motherhood for anything. He is my greatness. No matter what I could achieve in life he would be my best thing. I can't even begin to list the things I would love to provide for him, but I can't. But he is happy, he is wise and he is good. I could not ask for anything more.
How do you and baby makes 7 plan on doing this? That is 14 growing feet. 7 mouths that need to be fed. School fees, extra activities like sports or dance. I think the last time you worked was at the counter at Cousin's. How exactly can you provide for these 7 children? The baby daddies are doing what they are supposed to do, what about you? What about your responsibility?
I am pretty sure we will be revisiting the vanishing twin syndrome and the inability to have more children in my life again at a later date. I still dream that baby, but not as much as I once did. My gynocologist has told me over and over it was not my fault. Maybe that is an issue we should visit here. Part of mental health, part of my mental health.
My agoraphobic self is staying in where it is warm, or at least warm-ish for the rest of the weekend. Went to Moms today for lunch and had a wonderful visit. Now my Lily is here for a sleep over.
Do something for you this weekend.
Love and Light.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Night Court
Greetings
Last night I had the opportunity to go to court with Dean. He had a ticket for speeding, to his defence it really was not marked well at all. He wanted to go so he could get some of the points dropped and I am pretty sure he was wishing he would have just paid the damn ticket and blown off the points.
Firstly I want to point out I volunteered to go with him to a strange place at night time(I don't do night time usually) YAY me!!! I did it without thought. I just didn't want him to have to go alone. I think that is some kind of positive step. Just offering to go and not over analyzing it to death and freaking out. He sat dead center in front of the judge, which really left me in an awkward position with no escape route, but it was fine I didn't need it. I thought about it, but I didn't need it. I wanted to check my blood sugar in the manner I normally do, OCD style, but I couldn't, my new meter works and it makes a loud beep and I didn't want the judge to think I was holding a bomb in my purse. That would be my luck, getting pinned down in the court house for a meter threat.
Interesting group of people, the judge was fair, I have to say I rather enjoyed myself. I know I really need to develop a life outside of the fish bowl I live in. I do in fact like a lot of court tv programs so being in real court was kind of fun. It wasn't just traffic court either, you had people who were in for theft and assault. A few women brought their children. I just don't know about that. Yes they got preferential treatment, the judge let them go first BUT that being said I would not want my small child sitting on my lap while the judge was talking about my theft charge. It would be one thing if it were for speeding or something, but you want you 4 or 5 ish year-old to know that? To be surrounded by who knows. I mean pretty much if some one calls me and they are in a jam I will babysit. I just don't think that is a place for kids. Interesting thing too, a first offense DUI had the same points removed as a speeding ticket....I am just saying. Something is not right about that. I am not talking massive speeding either. It was marked 45, 45, 45, and it did a quick drop to 30...not like we were talking about NASCAR speed here. I am not making light of breaking the law or speeding BUT I just don't feel that a speeding ticket and a DUI should be the same.
It must be hard having to walk up and face that judge and say what you did infront of a total group of strangers. This one clean cut fellow, dressed well was ticketed for assault. I wondered at first what exactly does that mean? Who did he assault? I got a notion about him like maybe he was a dirt bag, but he didn't look like one. This tiny little gal was facing the judge for assault and disturbing the peace. I kind of chuckled, she was such a tiny little thing. I could totally see her going psycho on someone. It was a people watching experience.
Happy Friday.
Love and Light
Last night I had the opportunity to go to court with Dean. He had a ticket for speeding, to his defence it really was not marked well at all. He wanted to go so he could get some of the points dropped and I am pretty sure he was wishing he would have just paid the damn ticket and blown off the points.
Firstly I want to point out I volunteered to go with him to a strange place at night time(I don't do night time usually) YAY me!!! I did it without thought. I just didn't want him to have to go alone. I think that is some kind of positive step. Just offering to go and not over analyzing it to death and freaking out. He sat dead center in front of the judge, which really left me in an awkward position with no escape route, but it was fine I didn't need it. I thought about it, but I didn't need it. I wanted to check my blood sugar in the manner I normally do, OCD style, but I couldn't, my new meter works and it makes a loud beep and I didn't want the judge to think I was holding a bomb in my purse. That would be my luck, getting pinned down in the court house for a meter threat.
Interesting group of people, the judge was fair, I have to say I rather enjoyed myself. I know I really need to develop a life outside of the fish bowl I live in. I do in fact like a lot of court tv programs so being in real court was kind of fun. It wasn't just traffic court either, you had people who were in for theft and assault. A few women brought their children. I just don't know about that. Yes they got preferential treatment, the judge let them go first BUT that being said I would not want my small child sitting on my lap while the judge was talking about my theft charge. It would be one thing if it were for speeding or something, but you want you 4 or 5 ish year-old to know that? To be surrounded by who knows. I mean pretty much if some one calls me and they are in a jam I will babysit. I just don't think that is a place for kids. Interesting thing too, a first offense DUI had the same points removed as a speeding ticket....I am just saying. Something is not right about that. I am not talking massive speeding either. It was marked 45, 45, 45, and it did a quick drop to 30...not like we were talking about NASCAR speed here. I am not making light of breaking the law or speeding BUT I just don't feel that a speeding ticket and a DUI should be the same.
It must be hard having to walk up and face that judge and say what you did infront of a total group of strangers. This one clean cut fellow, dressed well was ticketed for assault. I wondered at first what exactly does that mean? Who did he assault? I got a notion about him like maybe he was a dirt bag, but he didn't look like one. This tiny little gal was facing the judge for assault and disturbing the peace. I kind of chuckled, she was such a tiny little thing. I could totally see her going psycho on someone. It was a people watching experience.
Happy Friday.
Love and Light
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Back to class
Greetings
Oh that break was too short! I think things are going smoothly, I guess it is hard to really judge that entering week one of class. I am either going to do smashingly well or fail miserably in this class. I am taking Business Management, and I am kind of a know it all.
It is only January 3rd and I have had enough of winter. It has been so cold the last few days. I sit here at my computer and feel a breezy chill in the air. The floor is always ice cold...Burr.
I have some errands to run today, not too much, nothing too taxing...so no Southern Comfort needed. Just kidding! It is January, time for Christmas recovery. I spent too much on Christmas and in January I end up suffering for it. It is going to be a tight month, maybe this is why every one makes these weight loss and fitness resolutions on New Year Eve, they know they can't afford groceries in January. Really the energy bill in my breezy house is what kills me.
No resolutions for me. I am just going to keep on my path. I am going to keep trying to get out of the house more, that really seems to be the only way to get better. Just do it. I am going to continue to further my education, just continue on the path, just do it!
Hope all is well in your world. It is so hard to force yourself out the door when it is miserable outside, but just do it!!!
Love and Light
Oh that break was too short! I think things are going smoothly, I guess it is hard to really judge that entering week one of class. I am either going to do smashingly well or fail miserably in this class. I am taking Business Management, and I am kind of a know it all.
It is only January 3rd and I have had enough of winter. It has been so cold the last few days. I sit here at my computer and feel a breezy chill in the air. The floor is always ice cold...Burr.
I have some errands to run today, not too much, nothing too taxing...so no Southern Comfort needed. Just kidding! It is January, time for Christmas recovery. I spent too much on Christmas and in January I end up suffering for it. It is going to be a tight month, maybe this is why every one makes these weight loss and fitness resolutions on New Year Eve, they know they can't afford groceries in January. Really the energy bill in my breezy house is what kills me.
No resolutions for me. I am just going to keep on my path. I am going to keep trying to get out of the house more, that really seems to be the only way to get better. Just do it. I am going to continue to further my education, just continue on the path, just do it!
Hope all is well in your world. It is so hard to force yourself out the door when it is miserable outside, but just do it!!!
Love and Light
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Ringing in the New Year
Greetings
Hope you had a safe and enjoyable New Year. I actually went out! This agoraphobic gurl didn't do that back when I wasn't agoraphobic.
I had a really good time, I was super nervous walking in, which is normal where ever I go. After a few Southerns and diet I was pretty much good to go. I met up with my old friend Dawn and we had our guys with us, I have not seen her in at least a decade, however I am sure it was longer. We danced, we caught up, she looks fantastic. We went to see one of the guys we were Band Aids for back in the day of Breezeway Studios. He is in a new band now, rocking hard and looking amazing at 50. How the hell did that happen? 50. I have not seen him in 11 years or so, and the last time I saw him was in that bar. It was great seeing him and giving him a squeeze.
I wish I could muster up my courage and have the ability to relax and loosen up with out alcohol. I am diabetic so I really can't be drinking like that. But it felt so good to not be worried or frightened, it felt so good to be able to laugh and dance. Hell, if I were not diabetic I might actually consider drinking more. Which I probably should not have said, as it is not a good plan or a way to solve your problems with panic or agoraphobia.
What is a Band Aid? A Band Aid is more of a high scale classy groupy. In with the band, inspiring the band, helping the band,but not neccesarily sleeping with the band. Well no one sleeps with a whole band, that would be gross. Or road crew, totally beneath us...Band Aids. Those were good times. Sometimes I drive past the old place and I look at it fondly.
Dawn and I are going to get together again soon, and I really can't wait.
Love and Light
Hope you had a safe and enjoyable New Year. I actually went out! This agoraphobic gurl didn't do that back when I wasn't agoraphobic.
I had a really good time, I was super nervous walking in, which is normal where ever I go. After a few Southerns and diet I was pretty much good to go. I met up with my old friend Dawn and we had our guys with us, I have not seen her in at least a decade, however I am sure it was longer. We danced, we caught up, she looks fantastic. We went to see one of the guys we were Band Aids for back in the day of Breezeway Studios. He is in a new band now, rocking hard and looking amazing at 50. How the hell did that happen? 50. I have not seen him in 11 years or so, and the last time I saw him was in that bar. It was great seeing him and giving him a squeeze.
I wish I could muster up my courage and have the ability to relax and loosen up with out alcohol. I am diabetic so I really can't be drinking like that. But it felt so good to not be worried or frightened, it felt so good to be able to laugh and dance. Hell, if I were not diabetic I might actually consider drinking more. Which I probably should not have said, as it is not a good plan or a way to solve your problems with panic or agoraphobia.
What is a Band Aid? A Band Aid is more of a high scale classy groupy. In with the band, inspiring the band, helping the band,but not neccesarily sleeping with the band. Well no one sleeps with a whole band, that would be gross. Or road crew, totally beneath us...Band Aids. Those were good times. Sometimes I drive past the old place and I look at it fondly.
Dawn and I are going to get together again soon, and I really can't wait.
Love and Light
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