Breathe in Breathe out…

Greetings,

Spring has sprung-still feeling undone. Perhaps all of the events of the weekend just simply overwhelmed me. Perhaps everything is just overwhelming me. Usually as the days get longer and brighter life seems to get a little better. Nothing is feeling better, at best life is manageable.

Let’s start out with being the uninvited guest. I do not do particularly well as the invited guest. Saturday morning I felt like a tiny little gladiator walking into the Amphitheatrum Flavium. Not an ounce of Khaleesi in me nor a dragon by my side, uncertain of what laid in waiting.

Well, I didn’t die. Nothing speared me (maybe an eyeball or two), and it wasn’t all horrible. I got to see some people I genuinely love. I saw some people I could have lived without seeing. I got to see a nephew who I have not seen in too many years too count. It was weird. It was emotional. It was fucked up-excuse my language. It was such a plethora of dysfunction, kind of makes me seem normal. This was my Mother in law’s 80^th birthday party. She is no longer my mother in law, however one of her relatives actually asked me who I was –fine-to be expected- I said I was married to John. She asked me who John was….seriously!

I went for my niece. I got to hang with my great niece (is that how it works?) that was priceless. I am grateful to have been able to see and spend a little time with some people who are amazing and loving. I never thought I would see Linda or Vernie again (and Al) so for that I feel blessed. I got to spend some time with my nephew, who I have never really spent any time with-as you may or may not know I am in fact Satin-Lucifer…I am not exactly sure. Some people have some pretty messed up opinions because reality is I am a pretty good person. Chances are if you really know me, you know that.

Sunday we went to brunch with my Mom and Dad-that was peaceful. I didn’t mind the haunted bathroom. I could have used more time with my Mom-her wisdom is astounding.

Today’s highlight was a mammogram. I actually don’t mind the act of the mammogram itself. It doesn’t really hurt, it is really just awkward. The tech was Rachel and she was super nice. The problem with today, the Women’s Health Center is in the belly of the beast. One lone agoraphobic tunneling the halls, entering elevators all by her agoraphobic self. However, I again did not die. I had a hot flash panic attack somewhere between the green elevator and the yellow triangle. Honestly I kind of got lost on route out too, but I found my Annie making coffee-I had entered my comfort zone in the hospital (I only have a few) and as an added bonus I found a safe person to boot! As luck would have it I ran into my former therapist “Yoda”, he saw me. I saw him. He moved quickly, very quickly. I liked it. It is like this, either he thinks I am a crazy woman and he fears me or he knows he is an ass. I hope it was both. That kind of made my day.

I have no words of inspiration-none of my infamous quotes or perils of knowledge. Just sometimes life sucks. Just remember to breathe…

Love and Light

Agoraphobia Gurl

And He Doesn’t Wear Cowboy Boots

And He Doesn’t Wear Cowboy Boots

Greetings,

     It is a beautiful Saturday and I have spent the last several weeks, perhaps months becoming slightly unglued. I just finished up my Criminal Behavior class-of course an A-very sad that it is over. I could spend forever studying the criminal mind. I wish I would have had the faith and dedication when I was younger that I have now. For many of my passions I am now “too old” which is the truth. Plain and simple truth. That is ok, life took me on this trip for a reason, and really most of which I would not change.

     

Today I was reminded of the courage it takes to get me out of the door. I don’t really think about it in those terms too often now, so I guess when I get the pat on the back from a stranger it is kind of nice. A reminder that I am not hiding on the floor because my landlord is outside. A reminder that I made it out of the house and to where I was going. It has been rough lately, sometimes I just want to curl up in a little ball. However sometimes I just push forward. I was supposed to meet Dawn on Thursday and I was having a crappy anxiety day, and instead of bailing, instead of cowering I texted her and said I will meet you downtown. Which I did. I just said I am going to do this and I faced the fear. The agoraphobia isn’t going to win (screw you “Yoda”).

    

 Today I went to meet a new Doctor in a different office I was pretty determined to hate him. I was pretty determined that this wasn’t going to be “the one” but much to my surprise I think he might just be ok. Before I met him when I was talking to the MA and she was getting my information, I was kind of interviewing her. How long have you worked for him? Do you enjoy working for him?-You get the picture. She loves him. Which when I called to make the appointment the desk is who swayed me in this direction. He walks into the room and starts asking me questions, which I answer. I start asking him questions, which he answers. Do you plan on moving any time in the near future? That was a no-his wife’s family lives in Brookfield (this means they are going NO WHERE). He is at least 10 years younger than myself, so he won’t be retiring any time in the near future. He seems to get my warped personality. He seems kind, and we laughed. I am pretty sure he won’t put up with my crap. This might just be the guy. My new “Primary”. After hearing my story he thanked me for making it to see him, which he understood that it took courage. It did.

    

 Sometimes we forget the amazing things that we handle each day. Sometimes we don’t see the obstacles we overcome. Sometimes it is so much easier to be focused on what we are not doing right. What our short comings are. For today just try and remember all of the greatness that you are and all that you have achieved.  Just for today, no beating yourself up. Just for today maybe give something or someone new a chance.

     

The man with the gentle smile and the cowboy boots can never be replaced, but I can certainly make room for someone new.

Open your mind and open your heart to new possibilities.

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

Rough Draft-WOOSH

Just sharing a different variety of my insanity!

WOOSH

WOOSH-my water broke. Standing outside bending down to put Oreo on his chain. What the hell just happened? Oreo looks at me, I look at him, he steps back and gives the amniotic fluid a sniff. Life is about to change as we know it. 

He is not supposed to be here for two months! My water could not have possibly broken. His nursery is not ready. WOOSH-in the name of … it keeps coming! I didn’t finish birthing class yet and I didn’t read about this in What to Expect…oh shit…AGAIN! It is like a flood is bursting forth from my vagina. Hmmm-I need to call the Doctor and I need to clean up.

“What do you mean I have to come in? I realize my water broke, but you see his nursery is not even ready yet…did I mention he is not supposed to be here for two whole months?”

Trickle
Trickle

Trickle….is my amniotic sac the size of Texas? So apparently “cleaning up” is out of the question. This will work, waddling around, towel, nay, bath sheet between my legs throwing together my bag. I might add I am usually always prepared and very punctual, but he is two months early. I have to call Heather.

“Happy 21^st Birthday Little Sister-You are going to be an Auntie!”

Grab towel and husband, head towards car. Now I am sitting on towel in addition to bath sheet between my legs. OMFG-my back, my back-back labor! I really wish I would have finished the damn Lamaze class-OHHHHHHHHHHHH. Oreo is officially hiding under the bed, he is not much of a swimmer.

Breathing
Breathing
Not breathing-holding my breath!
Jesus oh Jesus-please help me!

I wave to my Lamaze class as I am being wheeled into the Birthing Center. “Hi Guys-I won’t be in class-we are having the baby!” Cheers and claps from my fellow classmates. I am not ready. I am so not ready! Down the hall, in my pink Mommy dress, my vagina randomly spurting liquid like the upper geyser basin at Yellowstone. This is the cold hard truth, this is happening. I don’t think I am wearing shoes. I can’t see my feet but I am pretty sure I have socks on, but no shoes. On the table.

Breathing
Breathing
Back labor-really? I was not prepared for this either. Holding my breath.
Clenching

Clenching-holding onto that railing of the bed. I am going to break the bed. I am transforming into She Hulk and I am going to rip the railing off the bed. Not prepared for back labor…OHHHHH!

Monitor-hearing his little heart beat. Beating so fast. This is my calm. This is my game changer. Everything is going to be fine, listening to his little heart beat. It doesn’t matter that it feels like a

vintage rail road spike is being hammered into my back or that I can’t see my feet, my precious boy is coming. Must remember to breath.

Woo hoo –Mr.  Intern I am not sure what you are doing between my legs with that test strip however if you could refrain from looking repulsed that would be a plus. I think he must be going into sports medicine or something because it would appear that he is turning green. I am simply giving birth here people, nothing new or unusual. Could we get a real Doctor in here-please?

Ultrasound-I love ultra sounds. First he started out as a little spot. He morphed into a turtle, some people thought he resembled a squirrel, whatever the case he was my beautiful boy. The boy part was obvious. Very hard to miss. My turtle had a penis for sure!( Ultra sounds were not all 3D and fancy when I had my boy-now you can see little faces and hands, so beautiful) “Huh-he is breach? Well we can work with that right? His umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck-he needs to come out now?” I am having a C-section. TOTALLY did not get to this part in Lamaze class, actually I think that is what we were covering tonight-DOH.

My sweet boy is here! They had to whisk him off to the neo natal unit. I didn’t get to hold him for three days. On the third day when they placed him in my arms all I could do was cry. Tears of joy, he was the most beautiful thing in the world. On the third day he became bigger and better, most certainly because he finally got to be where he was supposed to be-in my arms.

Happily ever after does exist, he is my living proof. I thank God every day for my Michael.

Rough Draft-Creative Writing Class-That is Not Iceseptabill

That is Not Iceseptabill

Wait Wait Wait

It’s All I Ever Do

Having a baby brother isn’t so much fun

Your don’t believe me? Well it’s true!

Once upon a time the world evolved around me

Now it evolves around Him

Wait Wait Wait

It’s All I Ever Do

He is gooey and sticky and sometimes he even smells like poo

I really don’t know what Mommy was thinking

I am pretty sure this is her fault

I think me and Daddy would have been happy with a puppy

He is allergic to cats so that idea was out

This is NOT Iceseptabill

What happened to my life?

Once upon a time I was the Princess of the World!

Life was like rainbows and ice cream before this kid was born.

Now my life is like a bowl of endless spinach and I have a little troll following me around!

This is Not Iceseptabill!

Maybe Mommy wouldn’t notice if I traded him for a dog?

Feedback:

Hey Laura, I enjoyed your poem That is Not Iceseptabill when your originally wrote it, but your revision is better. The addition of, "Life was like rainbows and ice cream before this kid was born.Now my life is like a bowl of endless spinach and I have a little troll following me around!" (Dailey, 2014), was the part I like the best. It adds a description of what a child assumes is the worst thing ever, spinach, and compares it to the terrible little brother she has gained. Also finding out that the child is a girl, gives the character more definition. As a older sister, later she might assume the role of taking care of her brother like a doll baby. Reference Dailey, L. 2014. That is Not Iceseptabill -Tiffany

Rough DratfCreative Writing-ALIVE

Greetings-

Thought I would share something a little more personal from the creative side of me.

ALIVE

The July heat was sticky and heavy, not only did the weather weigh heavy on her but her  world felt as if it were crumbling around her, she was breathless and broken. “Please come, please help me.” He came without question-he came. Like a modern day knight in shining armor pulling a horse trailer behind that 91 F150. “Please come, please help me. I don’t know what to do.” Uncertain where they could go, how she could take care of them, when everything they knew was falling apart around them. Joshua was only four. How does a four year old process loss?  Infinite tears. Infinite screams. The first night that Joshua knew was the longest night of their lives. “Bobbo Bobbo-Bobbo Bobbo” , he whaled and screamed. Red cheeks, streaming tears, runny nose. “Bobbo Bobbo” “My heart breaking is one thing but how do you deal with the breaking heart of a child?” “You will make it and so will he.” Big and brawn, powerful yet so gentle, and he came. He came when no one else did.  Richard Bach once said, “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect  and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.”a Just like Illusions, circling around a field in a bi plane, life is full of twists and turns, ups and downs, chance meetings and random encounters. That bond that Bach speaks of weaves tighter and more cohesively as  adoration grows stronger in sharing sorrows and tragedy in addition to those times of joy. II. Joshua watched as she fell. Crashing to the ground, her slight body looking pale and weak.  Foam coming from her mouth, blood pooling around her head. “Mama Mama-NO!” Silence- no words, no movement, just blood. “Mama Mama-Mama Mama wake up please!” tears well up in his big blue eyes. “911 911-hello. Can you please help my Mama?” “What is your name Sweetie?” “My name is Joshua Ma’am.  Mama is bleeding from her head. Please help me.” “Joshua are you by yourself?” “No-I am with Mama! Please help me.  I think she is going to be dead” sobs the sweet little one. “Honey how old are you?” “I am five.”  Perhaps she was mistaken, this would be the longest night of their lives,  at least the longest night of Joshua’s life.  “Little One I wish you could hear me. I am trying so hard to hold on.  I am trying to fight. Mama is trying my little one…”     Her eyes open, she is in pain. Pain is good. Looking around she realizes she is in the hospital. Pain means she is alive. “Where is Joshua?” She can’t sit. Tubes, machines, throat parched, “I am alive”.  IV taped to her frail hand, her skin almost transparent. Drip Drip  Drip As the morphine kicked back into overdrive, as it crawled  into her veins. She faded away. ‘Stay Gold Pony Boy’b. Melting into the bed- ALIVE. “Thank You God!” III. He came to her again without her asking.  He came and stepped in. Trying to hold a broken little boy together before he splintered into a million pieces. “You and your Mom are going to be ok. You and your Mom are going to make it. The Doctor’s are going to fix her up as good as new.” Joshua looked up at him with his big blue eyes, not certain. “Buddy you have to eat something. Do you want a hamburger?” “No” “How about some chicken nuggets?” “No” “How about a pbj?” “NO (the little one pauses) thank you.” He pauses again and looks into the man’s brown eyes and wrapped his hand  around the man’s finger. The man’s hands were so big compared to his own or even Mama’s all he could do was hold his finger.  “I just want my Mama”. IV.      The F150 has been changed to an electric lime Bronco, which makes the man a pretty psychedelic modern day knight. He brought Joshua to his Mother and they took her home.  They nursed her back to health and truly became that family, not all of blood, but of joy and respect . Of admiration and ups and downs. No piece of paper binds them, they are a family built upon love and choice. It hasn't all been happily ever after, but it has been real and it has been solid.  In sickness and in health, to have and to hold- he came when she called, when no one else did, and he never went away. Reference/Footnote a-Richard Bach (1977) Illusion: The Adventures of A Reluctant Messiah. b-SE Hinton (1967) The Outsiders. Feedback: Dear Laura Let me just say that I was on the edge of my see reading your fictional piece.  I was captivated from the very first line. It reminded me of a Twilight Zone movie.  The central idea appears to be lost, dread, desperation, fear, and strength.  The fist part of the piece is desperate.  Especially when the little boy is on the phone with the 9-1-1 operator.  The language is absolutely effective and it created a pretty precise image.  The point of view of the piece is love comes in all shapes and forms, and family is important.  I'm not sure about the ending. I'm mean it's a happy ending which is good but it just started out  so bleak and was expecting it to end that way as well.  So i guess you can say that i was a tiny bit disappointed.  The beginning really excited me but the ending, for me was somewhat lackluster.  However, I still think it was a good piece but I personally wanted it to end a little darker. Andria Good evening Laura, I read through your piece more than once and each time  I found another nugget to chew on and consider.  I found the style in which you chose to write this story went  well in hand with the way a person might feel if they had been in  an accident and coming to.   Your characters were developed in so much as it was easy to understand  the desperation that they were feeling especially the woman and her little boy. It is easy to appreciate how a person who has been injured would look at the person rescuing them as a knight in shining armor. I smiled at the modern day knight  showing up in his F150 pulling a horse trailer… it was romantic and delightful all at the same time. She was ALIVE and she appreciated the knight taking care of her little boy, urging him to eat when all he wanted was his Mama.  I am a big fan of Richard Bach’s work and in fact am looking over at my bookcase at one of my personal favorites that he wrote entitled One, and your reference to him was a bit confusing if someone has never read his work. Just a note that you might want to expound on this note and invite your reader into Bach’s world just a bit more as you relate it to the main  characters in your story. The ending, again although good,  seems a bit dis-jointed to the story itself. If I may suggest perhaps giving your knight a name and maybe giving  him more of a story, his love for the main character  and how he came to be a center point in the life of the woman who  almost died and her little boy. Excellent work. Thank you for sharing! Rachel

It’s Complicated

It’s Complicated

Greetings-

“One of the options for "Relationship Status" on Facebook. Refers to a couple in an ambiguous state between "friends" and "in a relationship". May also be used to indicate dissatisfaction with an existing relationship.

If someone changes their status from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated", expect them to be "Single" and "Looking for Random Play" soon.” (Urban Dictionary)

A Facebook relationship status, where an individual is not happy with their current relationship, and is willing to tell the world how frustrated they are with their significant other or lack thereof.

This can also mean that one is involved in multiple relationships. Or their significant other is a whore and complicated the relationship, but being with several people at once

Well how's your girlfriend Jim?

"She’s ok, I just wish she weren't dating three other guys while dating me too." It's complicated (Urban Dictionary).

It’s complicated - any relationship that's not OK.

Who ever said this relationship thing is easy? Life is full of complications.

“When people feel trapped by their current circumstances, but still do not want to ruin their relationship, cyberspace may offer a parallel world in which things are better. Time spent in that world can help them preserve their actual world, while not giving up on having exciting, even emotional experiences. Living within the two worlds is not easy, however, and may become increasingly risky when people do not realize the limitations of each” (Ben-Zeev, 2008).

I am really simply in awe of the fact that I am up in the middle of the night writing this-Dumb Ass.

“People, consciously or not, consider their online sexual relationships as real—they experience psychological states similar to those typically elicited by offline relationships. Accordingly, cybersex is not merely a conversation about sex, but a form of sexual encounter involves experiences typical of other encounters, such as sexual arousal, masturbation, orgasm, and satisfaction. Indeed, people consider cybersex to have a high degree of psychological reality—but many do not consider it to be morally real (Ben-Zeev, 2008).

It is morally real and morally wrong.

In the online realm I have used every relationship status possible in order to be left alone. I have been married. I have been a lesbian. These options seem to entice more so than simply being single. Like really Mr. Straight man if I were in fact a lesbian do you really think you are going to convert me? Dumb ass.

I have disengaged from the IM and the chat option. I obviously have a Facebook account. My Facebook account would indicate that I am married with children or grand-babies-probably both. If I have grand-babies, chances are I have children. Nothing more flattering than someone thinking I have a two year old. Hmmmm-maybe that is not flattery. Perhaps they just think I am insane (ha-ha says Agoraphobia Gurl)? On the surface I would appear to be happy. Guess what-aside from a few financial issues and this whole agoraphobia thing I am pretty happy. Life is pretty good. My life is filled with love. My life is filled with pretty amazing people.

“Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses” (Herkov, 2013).

Just something to think about…

If your relationship “status” has read- “It’s complicated” for over 10 years obviously something is missing from your life. If you are cheating on your spouse, obviously something is missing from your life. If you are staying in this relationship “because of the kids”-you might just be insane. When and or if they find out you have in fact cheated you have pretty much ruined them, after all you are the role model for your children. We want to role model healthy relationships and behavior. What are they seeing in the house right now? From this vantage point it doesn’t seem like they are witnessing anything close to loving or normal. When all is said and done, young or old-when you do divorce it is going to hurt them. Really it is never going to be easy or great, divorce isn’t.

I just want to point out MY LIFE IS PERFECTLY FINE-everything is peachy.

I really don’t care generally speaking about anyone’s business, I am all about harm none and being happy. Which brings me to the point. BE HAPPY.

“The most important thing is to enjoy your life—to be happy—it's all that matters.” ― Audrey Hepburn

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” ― Dr. Seuss

Reference

Ben-Zeev, A. (2008) Is Chatting Cheating? Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com

Herkov, M. (2013). What is Sexual Addiction? Retrieved from: http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-sexual-addiction/000748

 Urban Dictionary (2010) http://www.urbandictionary.com/