Rough Draft-WOOSH

Just sharing a different variety of my insanity!

WOOSH

WOOSH-my water broke. Standing outside bending down to put Oreo on his chain. What the hell just happened? Oreo looks at me, I look at him, he steps back and gives the amniotic fluid a sniff. Life is about to change as we know it. 

He is not supposed to be here for two months! My water could not have possibly broken. His nursery is not ready. WOOSH-in the name of … it keeps coming! I didn’t finish birthing class yet and I didn’t read about this in What to Expect…oh shit…AGAIN! It is like a flood is bursting forth from my vagina. Hmmm-I need to call the Doctor and I need to clean up.

“What do you mean I have to come in? I realize my water broke, but you see his nursery is not even ready yet…did I mention he is not supposed to be here for two whole months?”

Trickle
Trickle

Trickle….is my amniotic sac the size of Texas? So apparently “cleaning up” is out of the question. This will work, waddling around, towel, nay, bath sheet between my legs throwing together my bag. I might add I am usually always prepared and very punctual, but he is two months early. I have to call Heather.

“Happy 21^st Birthday Little Sister-You are going to be an Auntie!”

Grab towel and husband, head towards car. Now I am sitting on towel in addition to bath sheet between my legs. OMFG-my back, my back-back labor! I really wish I would have finished the damn Lamaze class-OHHHHHHHHHHHH. Oreo is officially hiding under the bed, he is not much of a swimmer.

Breathing
Breathing
Not breathing-holding my breath!
Jesus oh Jesus-please help me!

I wave to my Lamaze class as I am being wheeled into the Birthing Center. “Hi Guys-I won’t be in class-we are having the baby!” Cheers and claps from my fellow classmates. I am not ready. I am so not ready! Down the hall, in my pink Mommy dress, my vagina randomly spurting liquid like the upper geyser basin at Yellowstone. This is the cold hard truth, this is happening. I don’t think I am wearing shoes. I can’t see my feet but I am pretty sure I have socks on, but no shoes. On the table.

Breathing
Breathing
Back labor-really? I was not prepared for this either. Holding my breath.
Clenching

Clenching-holding onto that railing of the bed. I am going to break the bed. I am transforming into She Hulk and I am going to rip the railing off the bed. Not prepared for back labor…OHHHHH!

Monitor-hearing his little heart beat. Beating so fast. This is my calm. This is my game changer. Everything is going to be fine, listening to his little heart beat. It doesn’t matter that it feels like a

vintage rail road spike is being hammered into my back or that I can’t see my feet, my precious boy is coming. Must remember to breath.

Woo hoo –Mr.  Intern I am not sure what you are doing between my legs with that test strip however if you could refrain from looking repulsed that would be a plus. I think he must be going into sports medicine or something because it would appear that he is turning green. I am simply giving birth here people, nothing new or unusual. Could we get a real Doctor in here-please?

Ultrasound-I love ultra sounds. First he started out as a little spot. He morphed into a turtle, some people thought he resembled a squirrel, whatever the case he was my beautiful boy. The boy part was obvious. Very hard to miss. My turtle had a penis for sure!( Ultra sounds were not all 3D and fancy when I had my boy-now you can see little faces and hands, so beautiful) “Huh-he is breach? Well we can work with that right? His umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck-he needs to come out now?” I am having a C-section. TOTALLY did not get to this part in Lamaze class, actually I think that is what we were covering tonight-DOH.

My sweet boy is here! They had to whisk him off to the neo natal unit. I didn’t get to hold him for three days. On the third day when they placed him in my arms all I could do was cry. Tears of joy, he was the most beautiful thing in the world. On the third day he became bigger and better, most certainly because he finally got to be where he was supposed to be-in my arms.

Happily ever after does exist, he is my living proof. I thank God every day for my Michael.