Rough DratfCreative Writing-ALIVE

Greetings-

Thought I would share something a little more personal from the creative side of me.

ALIVE

The July heat was sticky and heavy, not only did the weather weigh heavy on her but her  world felt as if it were crumbling around her, she was breathless and broken. “Please come, please help me.” He came without question-he came. Like a modern day knight in shining armor pulling a horse trailer behind that 91 F150. “Please come, please help me. I don’t know what to do.” Uncertain where they could go, how she could take care of them, when everything they knew was falling apart around them. Joshua was only four. How does a four year old process loss?  Infinite tears. Infinite screams. The first night that Joshua knew was the longest night of their lives. “Bobbo Bobbo-Bobbo Bobbo” , he whaled and screamed. Red cheeks, streaming tears, runny nose. “Bobbo Bobbo” “My heart breaking is one thing but how do you deal with the breaking heart of a child?” “You will make it and so will he.” Big and brawn, powerful yet so gentle, and he came. He came when no one else did.  Richard Bach once said, “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect  and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.”a Just like Illusions, circling around a field in a bi plane, life is full of twists and turns, ups and downs, chance meetings and random encounters. That bond that Bach speaks of weaves tighter and more cohesively as  adoration grows stronger in sharing sorrows and tragedy in addition to those times of joy. II. Joshua watched as she fell. Crashing to the ground, her slight body looking pale and weak.  Foam coming from her mouth, blood pooling around her head. “Mama Mama-NO!” Silence- no words, no movement, just blood. “Mama Mama-Mama Mama wake up please!” tears well up in his big blue eyes. “911 911-hello. Can you please help my Mama?” “What is your name Sweetie?” “My name is Joshua Ma’am.  Mama is bleeding from her head. Please help me.” “Joshua are you by yourself?” “No-I am with Mama! Please help me.  I think she is going to be dead” sobs the sweet little one. “Honey how old are you?” “I am five.”  Perhaps she was mistaken, this would be the longest night of their lives,  at least the longest night of Joshua’s life.  “Little One I wish you could hear me. I am trying so hard to hold on.  I am trying to fight. Mama is trying my little one…”     Her eyes open, she is in pain. Pain is good. Looking around she realizes she is in the hospital. Pain means she is alive. “Where is Joshua?” She can’t sit. Tubes, machines, throat parched, “I am alive”.  IV taped to her frail hand, her skin almost transparent. Drip Drip  Drip As the morphine kicked back into overdrive, as it crawled  into her veins. She faded away. ‘Stay Gold Pony Boy’b. Melting into the bed- ALIVE. “Thank You God!” III. He came to her again without her asking.  He came and stepped in. Trying to hold a broken little boy together before he splintered into a million pieces. “You and your Mom are going to be ok. You and your Mom are going to make it. The Doctor’s are going to fix her up as good as new.” Joshua looked up at him with his big blue eyes, not certain. “Buddy you have to eat something. Do you want a hamburger?” “No” “How about some chicken nuggets?” “No” “How about a pbj?” “NO (the little one pauses) thank you.” He pauses again and looks into the man’s brown eyes and wrapped his hand  around the man’s finger. The man’s hands were so big compared to his own or even Mama’s all he could do was hold his finger.  “I just want my Mama”. IV.      The F150 has been changed to an electric lime Bronco, which makes the man a pretty psychedelic modern day knight. He brought Joshua to his Mother and they took her home.  They nursed her back to health and truly became that family, not all of blood, but of joy and respect . Of admiration and ups and downs. No piece of paper binds them, they are a family built upon love and choice. It hasn't all been happily ever after, but it has been real and it has been solid.  In sickness and in health, to have and to hold- he came when she called, when no one else did, and he never went away. Reference/Footnote a-Richard Bach (1977) Illusion: The Adventures of A Reluctant Messiah. b-SE Hinton (1967) The Outsiders. Feedback: Dear Laura Let me just say that I was on the edge of my see reading your fictional piece.  I was captivated from the very first line. It reminded me of a Twilight Zone movie.  The central idea appears to be lost, dread, desperation, fear, and strength.  The fist part of the piece is desperate.  Especially when the little boy is on the phone with the 9-1-1 operator.  The language is absolutely effective and it created a pretty precise image.  The point of view of the piece is love comes in all shapes and forms, and family is important.  I'm not sure about the ending. I'm mean it's a happy ending which is good but it just started out  so bleak and was expecting it to end that way as well.  So i guess you can say that i was a tiny bit disappointed.  The beginning really excited me but the ending, for me was somewhat lackluster.  However, I still think it was a good piece but I personally wanted it to end a little darker. Andria Good evening Laura, I read through your piece more than once and each time  I found another nugget to chew on and consider.  I found the style in which you chose to write this story went  well in hand with the way a person might feel if they had been in  an accident and coming to.   Your characters were developed in so much as it was easy to understand  the desperation that they were feeling especially the woman and her little boy. It is easy to appreciate how a person who has been injured would look at the person rescuing them as a knight in shining armor. I smiled at the modern day knight  showing up in his F150 pulling a horse trailer… it was romantic and delightful all at the same time. She was ALIVE and she appreciated the knight taking care of her little boy, urging him to eat when all he wanted was his Mama.  I am a big fan of Richard Bach’s work and in fact am looking over at my bookcase at one of my personal favorites that he wrote entitled One, and your reference to him was a bit confusing if someone has never read his work. Just a note that you might want to expound on this note and invite your reader into Bach’s world just a bit more as you relate it to the main  characters in your story. The ending, again although good,  seems a bit dis-jointed to the story itself. If I may suggest perhaps giving your knight a name and maybe giving  him more of a story, his love for the main character  and how he came to be a center point in the life of the woman who  almost died and her little boy. Excellent work. Thank you for sharing! Rachel