Checking in

I have been out and about the last several days.
I saw Doctor Bob yesterday and he reminded me I need to get back on track.
I reminded him I don't do well in the winter months.

Today the store was out of The Help on DVD AGAIN. Red Box didn't have it either.
It is like a conspiracy. The book was so good. I knew I wanted to see the movie.
If I were a normal functioning gal I would have seen it when it came out.
I have had it on my Netflix list since before it came out.
I guess if this is the worst of today's problems I am not doing too bad.

I went to 4 places today. That is really good for me.
Number 3 was Goodwill. I wasn't doing great in Goodwill. It was really busy. People were very pushy. Normally I would have just bailed but I maintained. The fact that I made it to the Family Dollar after, is simply amazing. Once I start anxiety-ing. I am usually done.

I have my OFFICIAL acceptance letter  from Ashford University.
I can't wait till my classes start.

The phobia of the day is coulrophobia, the fear of clowns.
That came from Answers.com.

Love and Light!
Happy 12th Birthday to my Dear friend Eileen.
Love You!



MM

Today sucked

It was a long and dramatic day.

I managed to go in and see Maggie for our last appointment.
I didn't chicken out.
I did cry all the way home.
Yes I am sure the cyber world is sick of hearing about the horrible loss of my physical therapist,
as is every one here in real life.
Safe person just informed me my eyes look like they are bleeding and the bags underneath of  them look like Pontiac hood ornaments. I am pretty sure that is not a good thing.

My lunatic 2nd cousin is stalking me, and my Mom. She would be the dramatic part of the day.
We have been pretty much rid of her for the last 15 years, but damn me. I friend her daughter on Facebook and here comes chaos. No fair!!! Pretty sure Mom and the sisters might pinch me really hard
because I made the lunatic 2nd cousin re-appear. Damn me!

This brings me to the phobia of the day FAMAPHOBIA=Fear of family!
That one came from answers.com.

Love and Light.

Sunday Night

Here I sit armed with my Girl Scout cookies.
I spent my day over at my Mom and Dads.
It was a lovely day.
I keep thinking about tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my last appointment with Maggie.
I am not even stressing over having surgery on my arm.
I am just really contemplating cancelling my appointment so I don't have to say good bye.
It is a real deal goodbye. I guess it is a good thing I have an appoinment with Doctor Bob on Tuesday.
I don't want to say goodbye and I am pretty sure I am going to walk out of that office in tears.
At least today was nice.

Big changes in the air for me.
I have applied for my FASFA and I think I am finally going to do it.
If I would have started the process when the agoraphobia began I would have my Masters by now.
I am thinking Applied Behavioral Science.
Crazy Person Heal Thy Self!!!

Really, if you are reading this because you are like me...
If you have agoraphobia. If you have severe panic disorder.
Can you do something to move forward?
This blog started it for me.
I have gotten e mails saying I get you!
I feel you!
Your Son will be okay!
You could have took the words right out of my mouth...

I did something with this.
I made some one feel not alone.
All I wanted to do was to be able to reach one person, and I have.
I want to keep moving forward. I am sick of running on my never ending hampster wheel.
I want to be able to show my Son at least I am trying.

If you are reading this and you are like me.
Don't give up!
Keep moving one step at a time.

Love and Light.

Safe Person

So Safe Person had a big old bump removed and it is skin cancer.
Not the really bad skin cancer.
Not the you will live skin cancer.
The one in the middle.
I don't exactly know what this means.
The icing on this cake is he has no insurance and no means to pay for the specialist or the surgery.
Yes...I am about to make this about me.
HE is not allowed to fall apart.
He is not allowed to be broken.
He is my rock.
He is my friend.
He is a really good guy.
God/dess, Higher Power...Whom ever.
I am REALLY starting to have issues with you.
"Everything happens for a reason."
"It is in HIS plan."
"He/She has gone to a better place."
I would really like to not be angry with you right now. I like Easter.
Foot prints my ass.
ENOUGH!!!!!
PLEASE.
I guess I need to watch a Kevin Smith movie and obtain some perspective.
Yes I know I am being offensive.


I didn't leave the house today. It snowed and I had Lily.
Lily is my best friend.
She is 4.
Go figure.
We played outside.
We played with make up.
We did mani/pedi.
She is my special weekly therapy.

Have a good weekend!
Love and Light.

Nomophobia

Nomophobia is the fear of losing your cell phone!!! This was on the news this morning.
Cell phone phobia.This Girl is clear of that one. I could pretty much live without a phone.
I do carry one in the event of an emergency or a melt down, but I hardly ever actually use it.
It is nice just in case. I did however text my sister last night to say "Good night Honey boo boo."
That was pretty important.

Today I want to address my political burn out. The state of our country is a mess. I am from Wisconsin home of Governor Scott Walker. I am just sick sick sick of it! I am not going to use this as a political forum. I really don't have the energy but yesterday I found out something new and disturbing to me.

Now the Girl Scouts are bad!!! I have ordered 45.00 worth of cookies from my niece and the Girl Scouts are bad. Do you know why? I guess that the Girl Scouts support Planned Parenthood and homosexuality!!!

When I was a Girl Scout we went camping, we did badge work(I still have my sash) and it is just a really good organization. I am pretty sure it still is. Girl Scouts teaches team work, strength and being charitable. Some one comments to me "It's not Christian like it once was." It is not church. It is Girl Scouts.

Basically Planned Parenthood provides health care to females who need it. That is pretty heinous.

As for the issue of Girl Scouts supporting homosexuality. You know what, it is a whole new world out here. I can't say that I understand all of it. I can't say that I agree with all of it. I can say this. As a Mother no matter what or how my child was born I would and will love him ALWAYS. I would hope all parents would feel like that. Sadly this is not the case. People disown and toss a way a child they have given birth to parented and raised and that is simply FUCKED UP!
God does not "cure" gay (or agoraphobia).

I really don't know fact or fiction any more.
I stand by the Girl Scouts.
I stand by love and kindness.
I stand by not being bullied.

Really???  Come one People!
LOVE ONE ANOTHER!

Jesus said, "Let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the Kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
He placed his hands on them and then went away.

That is from the Bible not a Kevin Smith movie.
Now I am going to go enjoy a Thin Mint.

Love and Enlightenment.

Switch it up...

Today I went with my Safe Person to HIS doctor's appointment.
It was my turn to sit and wait for him.
He may or may  not regret this activity.
This was  my "home turf". He was seeing my Doctor.
Being that we are in a place I feel safe I am pretty much acting like a well behaved child.
I grab my cup of coffee and banter with the office staff.
Safe Person looks at me weird because we here in the blogoshere know I have odd relationships with my professional peeps.
I told him to lighten up, people find me amusing!
He is in the office forever. A more functional person probably would have gone and enjoyed the strip mall. I sat in the office and drank my free coffee. Jammed to the tunes.Talked to the receptionist.
All and all not a bad day.
I was thinking the down side of this was the fact that I was not going to be able to actually see my Doctor, he is the dreamy dude in the stethoscope,that would have been like going to the bakery and only looking at the chocolate cake.
 BUT I did see him!
He came out and got some coffee and we chatted for a bit. YAY!!!
Maybe this will be how I switch it up a bit.
Escort my Safe Person where he needs to go.
I asked him if he wanted me to go in with him, if he was scared.
He looked at me like I was on drugs.
I guess it was just an extra little push out the door.
Fair is fair.
I will gladly sit in the waiting room with him any time.


Love and Light

Saturday

One of my very good friends and former Safe People came for a visit today.
The only reason she is not officially a Safe Person is because we live too far a part now.
I could still go any where with her, probably even Wal Mart.  Perhaps the mall. I can safely say that because she hates the mall!
It was a much needed visit.

Before she got here I started my anxiety-ing.
I had the wrong buns.
I had the wrong mustard.
Which is just stupid.
I never bought this kind of roast before. It seemed a little funky.
Probably not funky good. I don't know.
Just being stupid.
Just so sick of the voice of the crazy person in my head that is me.

Calmed down when she arrived but took a bit.
Just stupid.
Shared so many secrets and moments with her.
Is she really traveling 2 hours for buns and mustard?
Of course not.
She is traveling 2 hours to see me.


She brings me solace.
She feeds my soul.
She eats my funky roast and smiles.
That is love.
Thank You.


On a side note, because it was fun. Here are some phobias for the day!
People- Anthropophobia.
People in general or society- Sociophobia.
Poetry- Metrophobia.

A fear of poetry, very interesting! That is kind of like not knowing what a dryer sheet is.
 I got those from phobia list.com.

Hope you are having an anxiety free weekend!
Stay away from the asparagus.
Love and Light.

What is magnesium?

Yesterday I was browsing the net in search of some form of healing/therapy... something.
It still boils down to exposure therapy. Just doing it!

However I did come upon the most interesting site ever! Wise GEEK clear answers for common questions.  Have you ever seen it?
-What is a cord of wood?
-What is lamp oil?
-What is a convection oven?
(I have to admit this made me feel pretty good about myself)
-What are dryer sheets?
(Yes, really.)
-What is magnesium?
(Okay, maybe this would have been useful when I was still in school?)
-What is a kite?
(This was someone not allotted a childhood I am guessing)

Yes I am an agoraphobic person. I work my program on most days. For me this means leaving the house. Today for example I went to Denny's for breakfast with a friend. Once upon a time I LOVED going out for breakfast (that was before I had a fear of the Wal Mart) now I go because I am supposed to and I sit and pick at my food and feel nauseated because I am at a restaurant. You would think at the very least this would help with the waist line.

I saw some interesting things on Wise GEEK clear answers for common questions.
I have no idea how accurate any of this information actually is but it is called wise geek and we all know geeks are really smart!

Did you know:
a fear of animals is zooaphobia
a fear of water is hydrophobia
a fear of flying is aviophobia
a fear of needles is trypanophobia
and the winner is (insert drum roll here)
a fear of asparagus is spargarphobia

To any one suffering from spargarphobia I will trade you!!!! Totally! I love asparagus but I would much rather have an irrational fear of asparagus. I could deal with that. I would miss it greatly but I would much rather be able to leave the house without getting sick to my stomach. I would much rather be able to take my kid to Summerfest. I would give up asparagus in a heart beat!

If you suffer from this disorder I apologize sincerely if you feel like I might be mocking you just a little bit.

Happy Weekend!
Love and Light!

Karmic b@#$h slap

First let me start out by saying, this may be offensive.

Serendipity:" When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta to wake up."                                                                        
                                                        Taken from the movie Dogma written by Kevin Smith

I would have to agree with this. I would have to agree with a lot of things out of Dogma. Nothing written by Kevin Smith is for "delicate" people. He is raunchy, hardcore, and I love him.  (Sadness, part of this whole agoraphobic mess made it impossible for me to see Jay and Bob Get Old when they were in town. I sure wanted to go! Maybe some day....The story of my life.)


Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier...

                                                                         Again...borrowed from the movie Dogma
                                                                                 Written by Kevin Smith

So basically my religous beliefs can be found in a Kevin Smith movie. A little bit frightening, maybe.
Does karma fit into all of this?

I keep thinking about Lexi and I have come to 2 conclusion. God hates Mary or Mary was somone really evil in her past life. I had to look up really evil women.

Belle Gunness was a really evil woman. She was born in 1859 and died in 1931. She was one of Americas most degenerate and "productive" serial killers. I didn't use productive, it said that in my research. It is likely she killed both of her husbands and all of her children. It is certain she murdered most of her suitors, boyfriends and 2 of her daughters. Nasty girl!

Ilse Koch 1906-1967(if karmic turn around time is quick this would be the more appropriate option)
Married to Karl Koch commandant of the concentration camps of Buchenwald from 1937-1941 and Majchanek from 1941-1943. Her old man wasn't just a tool. She reveled in torture and obsenity. It is said that she "collected" the tattoos off of prisoners. Think about that for a moment. Yup.

Why do I feel like Mary has been cursed by God or Karma, maybe both? Her life. Her Mom died from cancer and was sick for a really long time. Her Dad died of cancer. Her husband died of cancer(watch out hubby number 2). Grandma and Grandpa~poof. Yes for real. I am not making this up.
Now her one and only child has an inoperable brain tumor. That is messed up. Mary brought this up when her first husband got sick and I dismissed it. I also didn't find it possible that he would die, how could so many people in one persons life be cursed with this disease? NOT possible. I thought for sure he would make it. I was wrong, maybe something is to be said for her theory. Really this is her theory, but now I am buying into it. Lexi, not Lexi. So I ask of you, if you have taken the time to read this. Say a prayer,send out healing energy do what you do. Please.

I guess this didn't end up being as offensive as I thought it would be. We can save that for another day! You probably think I am twisted at this point. I can live with that.

Peace and Love.

Happy Valentines Day!!

Recovering from yesterdays melt down.

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day. It appears that people actually show up here to read my words. People I don't even know. People who live in Russia and Germany. So I hope you have a special day!

Sunday I went to my Mom's house and had a beautiful day with my family. Hugs and kisses from my niece and nephews. My niece even told me she missed me! Visiting with my sisters, it felt good.

Today I hung with my boys. Flowers and all kinds of special treats. I may not be very good at leaving my house but I am loved.  So are YOU. We are all special and unique! Just remember to keep trying to walk out the door! One step at a time.

Love and Light

Anxiety-ing

Anxiety-ing full throttle. I don't really like the term panic attack. It seems wrong. I have expressed this to Doctor Bob and he gets what I am saying, but it is not like he can change medical terminology.

The day is progressing and feeling more and more life a very sad REM video. Everybody hurts some time.Yup.

I am going to start out with Maggie is transferring. I knew our relationship would be wrapping up pretty quick but I wasn't really prepared for NOW. No possibility of her doing the after care from my surgery. Just no more Maggie. I think I have like 2 appointments and she is gone. Really I know it sounds semi dysfunctional to be grieving the loss of my physical therapist. I can't help it. I am going to miss her so much.

Just trying to get through the day.

I was sitting in the parking lot of Menards with Safe person. I just couldn't deal with Menards today. I am sitting thinking about my goddaughter Lexi. I have watched that little girl grow up (for the most part). Beautiful baby. Sweet toddler. Smartest 2 year old. Pain in the ass teenager. HUGE pain in the ass. Makes teenage me look angelic. Now she is a beautiful young woman just starting in life. She has a brain tumor.

Safe person is in Menards and I am glad. I just can't take any more today. Suddenly "My Hero" by the Foo Fighters comes on. I am now sobbing in the parking lot of Menards.

"Too alarming to talk about
Take your pictures down
and shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it out loud
Use that evidence race it around

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero...."

Yes I am officially having a meltdown. That song takes me back about 10 years to a time where I felt like everything around me was crumbling down. Where I felt like I couldn't breath and I have never really been the same.

At home now. Don't even feel any calm here. I am not supposed to be anxiety-ing in my kitchen.
Here I sit. Breath in breath out. Wait for the calm to come...

Peace and Love

Meditation

Meditation can be a tricky thing for me. I can't do guided meditation. I don't do group meditation. Generally I can't turn my head off.

I finally got an ipod for Christmas. My thought process was this could calm me when I am going some where or sitting in a waiting room. Not so much, I don't like not being able to hear what is around me or behind me. I downloaded a bunch of my favorite stuff. Things from my "Life Soundtrack". It amazes me that not everyone gets that. I would think EVERYONE would have a life soundtrack. People who say they don't really like music either. I don't get that. How can you not like music?

Normally when meditating I listen to something earthy. Some thing new age. Something spiritual.
Drum Sex is a great CD. I don't remember who did it, but when my friend Eileen reads this she can tell you in the comment section! It really puts you in the zone. Makes you want to move. Clears your head!
Another really amazing option, actually just released today is Tapestry by Nicole La Roche. You listen to that and it is like smoking some thing righteous without actually having any herb. No I don't do that NOW but I was a teenager once!

I have been using the Life Sound track for my meditations lately and it has been the most effective meditation I have had recently. I say most effective because I don't just end the session relaxed it takes me to that happy place. I am done and I am happy.

I have been collecting songs in my head as long as I can remember. My Grandpa would watch Fritz the Plumber when I was little. So I have a certain fondness for polkas. I remember being in the car with my Mom and her belting out Piece of my Heart by Janis Joplin or White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane. I thought my Mom could sing like Cher. My Dad, the Beach Boys. If I hear the Eurythmics, that is Heather. When my Son was little....too many songs to list! So I have been making a point to lay down in bed every night and listen to some of the music from my life soundtrack. Happy times. Happy memories. People I love. It puts me in a good place. You might want to try it!

My agoraphobic self did go out today and ran some errands with the beloved safe person. I think I will spend the rest of the day at home. It snowed yesterday and it is so cold out! I have already been asked to make home made popcorn, NOT the kind from the microwave! Movie night perhaps.

Happy Saturday!
Love and Light

Rancid Meat

The day starts with me running very late.

I have been trying to get back in the habit of wearing make up every day. Full face, not just eyes and gloss. The full "bondo". Why? It makes me feel better.
I feel that I appear less old. I do possess a certain amount of vanity. I'll own that.

Still running late. I need to get to Doctor Feelgoods office(orthopedic doctor) for my cortisone shot.Rotator cuff injury~ARGH. Doctor Feelgood in VERY masterful with a syringe. Being a diabetic I get poked a lot, so I am a really good judge of this. An expert perhaps.

No time for make up. Hair wet and pulled back in some freaky retro 80's pony tail with 3 sprouts sticking out.Rotator cuff injuries make it impossible  to make a normal pony tail. (DAMN, I don't even have a normal pony tail!)

Safety person informs me the new body spray I just bought smells like rancid meat. He is right. I thought it smelled kind of weird.

My pony tail wearing,rancid meat smelling self is sitting in the waiting room wondering if everyone thinks my body spray smells like rancid meat. At least this gives me something new and unusual to worry about.

After my appointment I have to go home and do something with my hair and the body spray issue. Hair and make up done. Getting some things done. Maggie time! I walk over to the office feeling pretty good. Some one in the waiting room asks me what I am wearing. Woo hoo I smell good again. Thanks to my trusted bottle of Shania.

When you get to this place of alone in your head that comes with the agoraphobia and depression I sometime find myself crossing boundaries.

It is NEVER appropriate to call your physical therapist a beast because she got to go to The Black Keys and your crazy ass didn't. Crossing boundaries. She is my physical therapist not my buddy.In my real life I use beast a lot. It can be good and it can be bad, in this case it was bad. Whatever the case she is my physical therapist. I forget this sometimes. I am sorry Maggie!

Crossing boundaries, joining in conversations in the waiting room. Giving my unsolicited advice in the grocery store. I HAD to tell the guy  not to buy the  cheap 2.00  can of  coffee.  It was gross I bought it myself. He should appreciate this information, right?

Yes I am agoraphobic and maybe a little creepy!
Peace and Love.

Damn you Drew Barrymore.

So it is Saturday night, here I am.
 Tonight's topic, romantic comedies. I love romantic comedies. I love Drew Barrymore. I loved When Harry Met Sally, until MY Harry ran off with a 23 year old named Janette. Please note I realize Drew was not Sally, Meg Ryan was Sally....and damn her too.
I am a junkie. I loved 50 First Dates. I just watched Going the Distance with Drew Barrymore and Justin Long.

The theme in these romantic comedies is you hook up with your best friend. Who may or may not be an attractive but always funny person of the opposite sex. I am pretty sure this is crap. I would actually like to hear some other peoples opinions on it.
 I would have to say that 75% of my friends are not in a happy relationship, or at least it appears that way, due to the way they speak about that significant other.

 It is like life sets us up from beginning to end.

When we are little girls we have our fairy tales, when I was a kid the Prince ALWAYS came to save the Princess.  Thankfully now a days, a Princess does not always need a Prince to come and save her!
Fiona changed it all and the Immigrant Song will never be the same!

Seriously, Happily Ever After?
I want it.
Strive for it.
Who has it?

Are my parents happily ever after? They have been together for 40 plus years. They seem to like hanging out together. They kiss and hold hands. My son once told me they are his role models for what a relationship is supposed to be. What love is supposed to be. Good choice. I certainly have not provided that for him.

Happily Ever After.....Damn that sounds good!
Peace and Love

The "science" of Earl Hickey

"You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner: karma. That is when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and one by one I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Earl."

This is taken from the show My name is Earl. This show brought the concept of karma to every man.
Well, every man who tuned in.

Earl is afraid of flying, needles, and possible attacks from alligators in the sewer when he uses the toilet.

I feel as if Earl and I are kindred spirits.

During my wild trip to insanity I have tried just about everything to be better, to be normal. I will save that for another day.

 In the process of healing and recovery karma is something you might just stumble upon.

In the most simple form karma is the chain of cause and effect. I look at life and ask myself, how bad was I really? If you want to get really technical or new age, how bad was I in my past life/s?

When I was much younger my husband told me I had a drinking problem. I went to treatment and had 5 years of sobriety and realized I didn't really have a drinking problem, I had a husband problem.

Treatment and AA are both wonderful experiences. When you are in inpatient treatment for addiction you have to sit down and face your reality. You have to own it.(Well, if you want it to work) You sit in a group of strangers and strip your soul down to complete exposure. Part of working a 12 step program is making amends. I have made my amends. This is what Earl is doing too,basically
making amends.

I look at myself today and wonder has karma brought me here? I have made amends to many people. Who did I leave out?

I live with very few regrets. The thing I probably regret the most is not being a better sister. If you know adult me I am sure you are saying how is that possible, you are so wonderful!
I wasn't a wonderful sister. I was probably a pretty heinous sister. I don't think it really phases my youngest sister, she had a pretty great big sister.

So in the science of Earl Hickey...

Dear Heather,

You deserved so much better. I am sorry I yelled at you. I am sorry I didn't play with you. I wish I would have been a better role model. I wish I would have gone to Hadfield and kicked that bullies ass, because I should have! I wish I would have given you the red balloon(which is why I handed you one last year before you left my Halloween party). This is it, this is the one thing if I could go back and change I would. I hate that I can't change it or fix it. I hate that I am one person you should have been able to count on and all I was is one giant disappointment.
Please know I love you with all of my heart and I am so very proud of you!

Love,
L

I am pretty sure Earl Hickey is not going to cure my agoraphobia.
Peace and Love

Chaos

We have touched on the topic of OCD. One of my "things" before I leave the house. I have to check the stove(even if I have not cooked). I have to check all of my candles to make sure none are lit. Coffee pot off...you get the picture.

Today I am running late for my Maggie appointment. By late that means I am actually on time because I ALWAYS have to be 15 minutes early for my appointments, just in case.Why am I running late? I have spent the morning on the phone with the insurance company. Really, does this just ever go well for any one? Does any one hang up cheerful after talking to the insurance company?

I am feeling pretty good on the way to the office. I get in the elevator and realize I have no glasses. Yeah that's right, I got all the way to the hospital not seeing. Well, this starts to trigger me. What else didn't I do? My Maggie time is shared with a student. I love strange people watching me when I look like I am in labor. Yeah, that's what it looks like when she is all bending me and twisting me, LABOR, giving birth. AWESOME.

My blurry eyed self got home, The coffee pot was on. The heating pad was  on. The door was unlocked.
I might as well had a bon fire in my living room.

End result. I lived. Nothing bad happened.

Tonight I also wanted to touch on my safe person. The one I have been kind of making sound like an ass. He really isn't. Again, if you follow my blog I am coming from a place of frustration. "Baby sitter" is actually a really good guy. He has been protecting me since before I needed protecting.
This is a man I left standing in line at Wal Mart  with my purse and my tampons while I had a melt down and ran out the door. This is the man who STAYED in line at the Wal Mart with my tampons and purse and paid for them and met me outside. That's a good guy.

Peace and Love