Anxiety-ing full throttle. I don't really like the term panic attack. It seems wrong. I have expressed this to Doctor Bob and he gets what I am saying, but it is not like he can change medical terminology.
The day is progressing and feeling more and more life a very sad REM video. Everybody hurts some time.Yup.
I am going to start out with Maggie is transferring. I knew our relationship would be wrapping up pretty quick but I wasn't really prepared for NOW. No possibility of her doing the after care from my surgery. Just no more Maggie. I think I have like 2 appointments and she is gone. Really I know it sounds semi dysfunctional to be grieving the loss of my physical therapist. I can't help it. I am going to miss her so much.
Just trying to get through the day.
I was sitting in the parking lot of Menards with Safe person. I just couldn't deal with Menards today. I am sitting thinking about my goddaughter Lexi. I have watched that little girl grow up (for the most part). Beautiful baby. Sweet toddler. Smartest 2 year old. Pain in the ass teenager. HUGE pain in the ass. Makes teenage me look angelic. Now she is a beautiful young woman just starting in life. She has a brain tumor.
Safe person is in Menards and I am glad. I just can't take any more today. Suddenly "My Hero" by the Foo Fighters comes on. I am now sobbing in the parking lot of Menards.
"Too alarming to talk about
Take your pictures down
and shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it out loud
Use that evidence race it around
There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero...."
Yes I am officially having a meltdown. That song takes me back about 10 years to a time where I felt like everything around me was crumbling down. Where I felt like I couldn't breath and I have never really been the same.
At home now. Don't even feel any calm here. I am not supposed to be anxiety-ing in my kitchen.
Here I sit. Breath in breath out. Wait for the calm to come...
Peace and Love
You are supposed to feel though. You are going through a lot of grief with the loss of your friend (even if she is your pt person) and your god daughter. Songs have a way of speaking to our souls and when they hit us - you just gotta go with it. Sadness is a part of life. It is a hard part but it is survivable... Give yourself a break on this one...
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