If you set it free…the answers will follow.

If you set it free…the answers will follow.

Greetings!

I have been wrestling and wrestling with this insurance problem and I think we are coming to a close, a resolution.

“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.” –Richard Bach

It is a gift to receive such concern and compassion. Tammy S. and Steve S. your generosity during this has really left me speechless-Thank You!

For my friends and family who were diligently working to find me answers. Thank you Mom and Tammy W.

To my pharmacy friend-Theresa. Whatever you do, you do well and you shine! Thank you-I guess I should have ultimately known the resolution was going to be found within you.

“A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed, it feels an impulsion....this is the place to go now.
But the sky knows the reason and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.”-Richard Bach

I was getting lost within the clouds. I felt as if I was drowning. I could not pull myself up high enough to see beyond the horizon-thanks to everyone who helped me find my way.

I held all of this in, well aside from a select few. My boy was starting to wonder if I infact was going to die...and I put it out into the universe and the answers started to come and the pieces started to fall into place.

If you set it free…the answers will follow.

Resources

Wisconsin SHIP 1-888-242-1060 http:/ www.dhs.wisconsin.gov/aging/EBS.ship.htm

State Medicaid Office - Wisconsin Department of Health Services 1-800-362-3002 http://www.dhs.wisconsin.gov

State Pharmacy Assistance Program - Wisconsin SeniorCare 1-800-657-2038 http://www.dhs.wisconsn,gov/seniorcare/

People with limited incomes may qualify for extra help to pay for their prescription drug costs. If you qualify, Medicare could pay for 75% or more of your drug costs including monthly prescription drug premiums, annual deductibles, and co-insurance. Additionally, those who qualify won’t have a coverage gap or a late enrollment penalty. Many people qualify for these savings and don't even know it. Social Security number 1-800-772-1213 or www. socialsecurity.gov/prescriptionhelp.

Saint Joseph’s Medical Clinic http://www.sjmdc.net/

Waukesha Community Health Center 309 E North St Waukesha, WI 53188

(262) 408-2530 http://sschc.org/Waukesha-welcomes-patients/

Sometimes people need help.

 “Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't.”-Richard Bach

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

Reference

Quotations from The Messiah's Handbook
"Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
in
"Illusions - The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah"
by Richard Bach - 1977

Update

Greetings!

It has been awhile, probably too long.  I pondered whether or not to continue on this journey after a recent incident.  So as “out” and “proud” my crazy ass is I guess I need to reign it in some. I need to go back to changing names and identies….it is all really kind of bullshit but that is not what is important.

So who am I? During this journey I have come to the realization that the basic onset of my anxiety issue and agoraphobia is a traumatic brain injury.  You know, that is really nothing to be ashamed of. When I was busy working, and juggling my young son I took a massive tumble and my head needed stapling shut-however no one ever did a CAT or an MRI at the time. My blood sugar was only 30 when they revived me, this is nothing to be ashamed of. As I piece this together now I can clearly see the anxiety building and growing after this TBI. Little pieces of emotional or physical trauma continue over the years…no wonder why I am broken.

Trauma has a vast variety of changes and breaks that happens in an individual-injury, death, many things play into the picture.  One of my colleagues was in a car accident when we were maybe 12, I think that is where her break began, between further trauma of physical abuse and loss she crumbled further.

I speak to others experiencing anxiety and agoraphobia and the theme is pretty consistent. So why did it take me to diagnose myself? Was I not listening somewhere along the line?

All I know for certain is I have done nothing but try to better myself and try to help others with sharing my story…

As of the first of the month for some reason or another I have lost my insurance. Given my health issues and my income, no insurance leads to a death sentence-truly. I am not being a drama queen. Please please please-don’t try and start blaming Obamacare. If a politician is to blame I live in Wisconsin and the blame starts here, but I don’t want this to be a political thing. How about just a human thing.

Before I got sick I worked my ass off. I was a salaried employee working OT like crazy, wiping asses, getting pulled around by my hair, teaching people how to ride a bus, teaching ADL’s-I loved working! I had the most rewarding job ever! Well, being a Mom is way better but I am talking paid positions. I had to work holidays. I had to work weekends, and I would do ANYTHING to get that back.

Now with my limited abilities I go to school fulltime on line, and help people as much as I can. I am however pretty limited. You can’t look at me and see a disability…often times people don’t realize that a disability isn’t always something you can see. My body and my brain really work for crap, but I try. Each and every day I try.

Is this my swan song? I am not sure. I am not sure what will happen. I know I have been making phone calls. I know I have been seeking help. I know I am getting nowhere. What’s next…not sure. Can a diabetic live without insulin? Right-so do I construct my bucket list? Do I preform in the Destiny Lee 6 Rival? Hell yeah-going out fighting….keep on keeping on!

Love and Light,

 Agoraphobia Gurl

Anxiety and taking a trip down memory lane…. Part 2

Anxiety and taking a trip down memory lane….

Part 2

Greetings,

I feel obligated to share the outcome of my trip down memory lane, I really just want to crawl in bed but I have these moments where I know I should say something and they slip away…and I just can’t let this slip away.

1.       Mean girls-they stay mean girls!

2.       I never got that chance to make amends to that other blonde.

3.       Pete-he is still Pete. He has beautiful children and a lovely wife. I am happy for him.

I was kind of hoping for a different outcome on the Pete thing. Like I have had those moments. We went to school with these Italian boys, Tony and Tom. For the longest time Tony and I…I just don’t know. I don’t know what happened. Why we started fighting. Hell-I know he thought I was cute around 7^th grade-and they were hot Italian boys! In our early 20’s we happened to work together at the Chancery. I was pissed they hired him. As I worked next to him, occasionally giving him the stink eye, I was trying to figure out WHY we didn’t like each other. What the heck happened? Finally one day, I asked him. Do you know why we don’t like each other? He didn’t know either. Well, if you can’t remember why you don’t like someone it is obviously time to move on and let it go. We did. We have lost touch, but after reacquainting, we partied, we laughed, I even have pictures-somewhere. I guess I was hoping for something closer to those lines than what I got. However me and Pete were never friends, and honestly-I don’t think we were meant to be. I am sorry would have been nice. I can’t believe I wasted vomit on this man!

So I went. I made it! I drank way too much. However we shall save the self-medication discussion for another day. I lived. I got to meet Dawns sister-way cool. Wish I would have made it to see the bro. I got to meet a bunch of really eclectic and wonderful people. I got to see people I have not seen in years. I got to live. Yesterday I did not let anxiety win. I won.

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

Anxiety and taking a trip down memory lane….

Anxiety and taking a trip down memory lane….

Part 1

Greetings,
 

Who knew-after all of these years Pete Whetstone (not his real name) could still make me throw up, make me want to “cut class” or in this case the graduation party. I think my ownership of HIM should be stronger. I have in fact kicked his ass. I ripped his shirt while pummeling him into a locker, so why am I throwing up? Probably he should be throwing up in fear of my all mighty kickasstitude. He was a bully. He was mean to me, he was cruel and tormented me. I kicked his as three times-so maybe he was not the smartest fellow. Like don’t fuck with the dog if you know you are going to get bit. Yes I am the one throwing up.

So I am watching the clock in sweet anticipation. I want to do this for my friend. I want to show up at her sons graduation because she is important to me. I want to support her. I let anxiety win at her daughters graduation. I am not going to let anxiety win this time. I need hope. Literally I need HOPE. I am doing this out of respect for Hope. You people have to wonder what drugs I am on some times as I talk in such cryptic coding. Hell-I know what I am talking about. Speaking of cryptic coding if anyone figures out the reference to Whetstone-who he really is, and why I used Whetstone….drinks are on me!

That blonde, you know the one. The one that is not me. You know, the hot one. You know the one every guy fell head over heels for, maybe-just maybe I will get to see her too. I don’t dislike her. She is not particularly fond of me-long story. Partially my fault and I sure as hell can own that. Maybe if I see her I can try and make amends.

Why does Dawn have to be so damn popular? She is so social. She still talks to like everyone. People randomly show up at her door…and she is cool with that. My circle is much smaller, and I hate it being invaded.

I was talking to Dean and he said he felt a little apprehensive when we had to go to a similar function with his friends from school and to remember we are all adults now. That is in part true, many of us are adults now but not always the case. Sometimes the “means girls” grow up and are still the “mean girls”.

So can I do it….I think I can. I think I can. I think I can!

If not…I can always kick Whetstone’s ass-yet again. (Really I would not do that out of respect for my friend and her boys special day). I am just being silly.

I will let you know how it goes.

Just remember if you don’t push outside of your comfort zone-you will miss out on a lot of things. You will miss out on life.

I think I can!

Wish me luck!

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

Thought for the day....(maybe two)

Greetings,

Memorial Day is here, many people have been enjoying a long weekend with camping and BBQ’s. However it is important to remember what this day is really about. Memorial Day is to honor and remember those who have died in military service. Make sure you take a moment to think about and thank those who have served our country. It is a time to honor the men and women who died in all wars.

I was not in the fun and frolic mode but I must share something I found to be inspirational. While attending a Memorial Service I had the opportunity to witness something you just don’t see every day. At least you generally don’t see it in my world. At this Memorial Service I saw this wonderful man supporting his ex-wife. She had lost her Father, and being an only child this wonderful man Larry came in support of her. He sat next to her in the front row. She was safely nestled between Larry and her son. Certainly Larry came because he loved Wayne. Certainly he came in support of Travis, but he was supporting his ex-wife. It was really a thing of beauty. As it is not in just these moments that he shows up in support of her, he will pick up her medication for her at the pharmacy, he will take her out for lunch-and they did not even have a child together. (I must say he certainly did many years of parenting). Most people can’t even co-parent together without drama. This couple maintains some kind of friendship, some kind of special bond that we could all learn from. I found it to be very inspiring!

“It is rare, it seems, that couples are able to hold onto a friendship and remain close while still moving on after the divorce. I am always impressed when I see couples who manage to stay friends, as it takes strength in character and an understanding of the bigger picture to rise above the hurt”(Meyers, 2011). I saw strength and character and it was a thing of beauty. Every couple has their own relationship dance. All you have to do is change your part in the dance.

Life is sticky and messy sometimes all we can do is try … attempt to make the best out of what time we have here on earth with the people we love.

Love and Light

Agoraphobia Gurl

Reference

Meyers PsyD, Seth (2011). Stay Friends after Divorce: Why, Coping, & Moving On

Avoiding friendship with your ex is often about denial. Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201106/stay-friends-after-divorce-why-coping-moving

Father-Husband-Friend-Healer

Father-Husband-Friend-Healer-Sponsor-Coach-Neighbor-Mentor

Daddy-Grandpa…it always comes back to Daddy!

     A man with an amazing smile, bright blue eyes, and red hair. A man who could make you smile. A man who could make you feel like everything would be ok. A man who loved to garden and hot damn that man could cook. He made the most amazing shrimp creole! He endured hours of badge work, dancing and doing all kinds of crazy things with us girls. A man who took pride in his appearance. A man who took pride in all aspects of his life. It was very apparent early on his greatest pride and joy was his daughter Tamara. I think-actually I am pretty secure in knowing that he would say his greatest accomplishment was Tamara. Fast forward MANY years-welcome the little heart stealer Travis. He would be the next greatest joy and biggest accomplishment- that Grandparent thing takes things to a whole new level!

    Wayne and Judy met at Schultz Brothers-and the rest was history! They married at Saint Mary’s Church, and had a beautiful little girl named Tamara who they gave every ounce of love they had. Tammy and I met at Hadfield Elementary School on the first day of kindergarten in Mrs. Peterson’s class, for many years we became inseparable. We shared many firsts. We shared love and laughter. As time often does, we had ebbs and flows but she is my first best friend and I love her with all my heart. However this isn’t about me and Tammy.

The Sobye’s-we spent many hours sitting on that front stoop so I got to observe a thing or two. Tinsel is put on the Christmas tree in individual strands, you brew tea in the sun, and raw potatoes are in fact edible. Love is unconditional. Christmas Carols are a must. Family is sacred. Frozen Reese’s Peanut butter eggs are AWESOME! Don’t piss off an Italian. It was a house of love. I had my own little house of love in which Mrs. Sobye would occasionally grace us with her presence and Mom and Judy would sit on the swing on the front porch and laugh. Tammy and I would make crazy cupcakes and little pizzas. Good times with good friends create great memories. My Dad and Judy would get a little crazy too!

My son often says his relationship role models are my parents, because they have what a relationship is supposed to have. I am glad that my son has that. I am glad that he sees that. That is what the Sobye’s had too. They were a strong couple, best of friends, and were together till Judy took her last breath. Love is unconditional. Family is sacred.

Wayne grieved and found the ability to smile and love life again, not only from the love and support of family and friends but from his beloved Fred. I remember the day I met Fred. It was in a Super America, I had not seen “my Mister” in a very long time and I saw him and I started to sob-just sob! I introduced him to my son and Mr. Sobye gave me that award winning smile and a big hug. I was a spectacle! I created a spectacle-and Fred still lets me in the house! You fellas traveled, dined, and enjoyed life. You shared laughter. I am grateful to you.

Wayne passed away peacefully on Sunday, May 10, 2015, at the age of 73 years. Loving father of Tamara and proud grandfather of Travis. Very special friend of Fred. Survived by sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, other relatives and friends.

    

Travis referred to his Grandparents as his best friends and that is truly a testament to GREATNESS! When a teenager or young adult still carves out that time and desires to spend that time, because it is so precious with the parents or Grandparents-something was done right!

A house of love built on a firm foundation.

 My Dearest Mr. Sobye-I am sorry I couldn’t get those chocolate chip cookies to you in time. One last I love you till we meet again. You will be missed. You are already missed. You have touched the lives of many. You have made a difference in this world by making it a better place. I am so honored to have known you. I will try and keep an eye on Tammy and remind her she is loved and treasured. I will remind her the importance of Christmas carols, skin care, and to brew her tea in the sun. I will remind her she is not alone. I will remind her it is ok to grieve in any manner she needs to and I will try to help her pick up the pieces when the time comes. Love is unconditional and family is sacred.

A Memorial Visitation will be held on Friday, May 22, from 4:00 PM until the time of a celebration of his life at 6:00 PM at CHURCH AND CHAPEL FUNERAL HOME, 380 Bluemound Rd. (corner of Hwy. J and JJ, south of I-94), Waukesha.

Dance in the heavens-laugh with Judy, Sally, and those you love!

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl-Laura

McProm and other Assorted Shenanigans

Greetings!

What a beautiful day here in Wisconsin! The sun was shining, it was the first day of the Farmers Market and I was actually out and about participating in life. I ran a few errands in the morning-like I had to visit my mushroom fella and Addictive Pretzels at the Farmers Market. Went out afterwards with my Mom and my son. We went to Comic Book Day at Neptune’s-I got to touch Thor’s hammer!

That’s right-be jealous: )

Agoraphobia Gurl was on point and on the town! We ran some more assorted errands- we even went bowling, had I been golfing my score would have rocked! I guess what matters is I made it out and I rocked!

We did have a freaky experience in the McDonald’s-like a hoard of Prom goers randomly entered the McDonalds. I was standing by myself and I began to have an anxiety attack as it felt as if I were being swarmed by Disney Princess’! So I guess it was my freaky experience as no one was freaking but me. Several people left-like the non-Disney Prom crowd, but I worked it. I did my breathing. I did my breathing. I stayed focused and it was ok. I was ok. Leave it to me-Disney Princess Pre Prom Anxiety Attack-true story!

I asked the Gal behind the counter if this was normal and apparently yes pre and post prom McDonalds is the hot spot-my son plans to return next year at prom-they were really lovely!

So I guess the moral of the day is LIVE LIVE LIVE- try and jump out of that fishbowl and get some life on!!! Inside of each of us lives a little bit of a Super Hero-You Got This!

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

Narcissist spelled backwards.....

Greetings-

Happy Earth Day? This is one of those days that began the spiraling crumbling process of my brain-why is simply unimportant. Of course it is gloomy and grey-it matches my mood. That day many years ago was gloomy and grey too. I should have known.

Something is to be said for the Scarlet Letter or Easy A for that matter-some people should come with a warning label. I know this is kind of ironic coming from me being so “anti-label”, but you put your trust in someone based on faith in humanity and time after time you just don’t know what hand you are being dealt. 

Like you-my narcissist. You should have a label-“Narcissistic Prick”. I feel like warning labels might be helpful, especially for your next victim. Some may call me passive aggressive-usually they are of the narcissistic nature. I can live with passive aggressive- of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials. No one is perfect. 

Labels-

·         Full of Crap

·         Psychopath

·         Complete with Anger Issues-come on-you have to admit you kind of can see my point at least.

I am fully aware people are good -kind, generous, loving…and this is why we might want to think about warning labels.

So much discord and it is not just me- friction, chaos, lack of harmony. All over the place. Feeling peace-finding peace-just trying to keep it together.

I live with agoraphobia. I lived life, now I spend a lot of time observing life…some simple things people need to know (which really would be common sense).

1.      If an elderly man is sick with cancer-PICK UP THE PIG ROASTER YOURSELF!!!

2.       If the man who bought you a horse is dying-visit HIM don’t go to Spain!!!

3.       Caregivers are people too-feed them, love them, call and check on them.

4.       It is so nice that NOW that he is sick-you want to spend time with him (which I guess in fact more appropriate than a vacation to Spain).

5.       Don’t lie to children.

6.       Don’t hurt children.

7.       Participate.

8.       If you say you are going to do something-do it.

9.       Be kind.

10.   Caregivers are people too-feed them, love them, call and check on them. (I know I said that twice).

“Major depressive disorder is one of the most common mental disorders in the United States. Each year about 6.7% of U.S adults experience major depressive disorder. Women are 70 % more likely than men to experience depression during their lifetime.  Non-Hispanic blacks are 40% less likely than non-Hispanic whites to experience depression during their lifetime.  The average age of onset is 32 years old. Additionally, 3.3% of 13 to 18 year olds have experienced a seriously debilitating depressive disorder” (NIH National Institute of Mental Health, 2015).

The other day I saw this posted on Facebook- “The only difference between successful people and non-successful people is this:

Non successful people bitch and complain at what the successful people are doing. They hate on it and make it their job to be non-successful hater warlords of negativity.

Successful people laugh at that shit and get the work done.” I am not sure if this is arrogance, foolishness, but I found it to be slightly irritating. Let’s start out with what is success? Is it the attainment of popularity or profit, some may define it as so. Is it about attaining prosperity, perhaps to some? I guess one would have to define prosperity. I don’t have a lot of money, but I have made a difference, I have made an impact. I can be-for the most part-proud of who I am and my actions. By personal definition I am successful and I am prosperous in all ways that matter.

Today is Earth Day-

Take care of it, we only get one. Take care of your mind, body, and soul. Take care of others. Do these things every day.

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

Reference

NIH (2015) National Institute of Mental Health. What is Depression? Retrieved from: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml

Breathe in Breathe out…

Greetings,

Spring has sprung-still feeling undone. Perhaps all of the events of the weekend just simply overwhelmed me. Perhaps everything is just overwhelming me. Usually as the days get longer and brighter life seems to get a little better. Nothing is feeling better, at best life is manageable.

Let’s start out with being the uninvited guest. I do not do particularly well as the invited guest. Saturday morning I felt like a tiny little gladiator walking into the Amphitheatrum Flavium. Not an ounce of Khaleesi in me nor a dragon by my side, uncertain of what laid in waiting.

Well, I didn’t die. Nothing speared me (maybe an eyeball or two), and it wasn’t all horrible. I got to see some people I genuinely love. I saw some people I could have lived without seeing. I got to see a nephew who I have not seen in too many years too count. It was weird. It was emotional. It was fucked up-excuse my language. It was such a plethora of dysfunction, kind of makes me seem normal. This was my Mother in law’s 80^th birthday party. She is no longer my mother in law, however one of her relatives actually asked me who I was –fine-to be expected- I said I was married to John. She asked me who John was….seriously!

I went for my niece. I got to hang with my great niece (is that how it works?) that was priceless. I am grateful to have been able to see and spend a little time with some people who are amazing and loving. I never thought I would see Linda or Vernie again (and Al) so for that I feel blessed. I got to spend some time with my nephew, who I have never really spent any time with-as you may or may not know I am in fact Satin-Lucifer…I am not exactly sure. Some people have some pretty messed up opinions because reality is I am a pretty good person. Chances are if you really know me, you know that.

Sunday we went to brunch with my Mom and Dad-that was peaceful. I didn’t mind the haunted bathroom. I could have used more time with my Mom-her wisdom is astounding.

Today’s highlight was a mammogram. I actually don’t mind the act of the mammogram itself. It doesn’t really hurt, it is really just awkward. The tech was Rachel and she was super nice. The problem with today, the Women’s Health Center is in the belly of the beast. One lone agoraphobic tunneling the halls, entering elevators all by her agoraphobic self. However, I again did not die. I had a hot flash panic attack somewhere between the green elevator and the yellow triangle. Honestly I kind of got lost on route out too, but I found my Annie making coffee-I had entered my comfort zone in the hospital (I only have a few) and as an added bonus I found a safe person to boot! As luck would have it I ran into my former therapist “Yoda”, he saw me. I saw him. He moved quickly, very quickly. I liked it. It is like this, either he thinks I am a crazy woman and he fears me or he knows he is an ass. I hope it was both. That kind of made my day.

I have no words of inspiration-none of my infamous quotes or perils of knowledge. Just sometimes life sucks. Just remember to breathe…

Love and Light

Agoraphobia Gurl

And He Doesn’t Wear Cowboy Boots

And He Doesn’t Wear Cowboy Boots

Greetings,

     It is a beautiful Saturday and I have spent the last several weeks, perhaps months becoming slightly unglued. I just finished up my Criminal Behavior class-of course an A-very sad that it is over. I could spend forever studying the criminal mind. I wish I would have had the faith and dedication when I was younger that I have now. For many of my passions I am now “too old” which is the truth. Plain and simple truth. That is ok, life took me on this trip for a reason, and really most of which I would not change.

     

Today I was reminded of the courage it takes to get me out of the door. I don’t really think about it in those terms too often now, so I guess when I get the pat on the back from a stranger it is kind of nice. A reminder that I am not hiding on the floor because my landlord is outside. A reminder that I made it out of the house and to where I was going. It has been rough lately, sometimes I just want to curl up in a little ball. However sometimes I just push forward. I was supposed to meet Dawn on Thursday and I was having a crappy anxiety day, and instead of bailing, instead of cowering I texted her and said I will meet you downtown. Which I did. I just said I am going to do this and I faced the fear. The agoraphobia isn’t going to win (screw you “Yoda”).

    

 Today I went to meet a new Doctor in a different office I was pretty determined to hate him. I was pretty determined that this wasn’t going to be “the one” but much to my surprise I think he might just be ok. Before I met him when I was talking to the MA and she was getting my information, I was kind of interviewing her. How long have you worked for him? Do you enjoy working for him?-You get the picture. She loves him. Which when I called to make the appointment the desk is who swayed me in this direction. He walks into the room and starts asking me questions, which I answer. I start asking him questions, which he answers. Do you plan on moving any time in the near future? That was a no-his wife’s family lives in Brookfield (this means they are going NO WHERE). He is at least 10 years younger than myself, so he won’t be retiring any time in the near future. He seems to get my warped personality. He seems kind, and we laughed. I am pretty sure he won’t put up with my crap. This might just be the guy. My new “Primary”. After hearing my story he thanked me for making it to see him, which he understood that it took courage. It did.

    

 Sometimes we forget the amazing things that we handle each day. Sometimes we don’t see the obstacles we overcome. Sometimes it is so much easier to be focused on what we are not doing right. What our short comings are. For today just try and remember all of the greatness that you are and all that you have achieved.  Just for today, no beating yourself up. Just for today maybe give something or someone new a chance.

     

The man with the gentle smile and the cowboy boots can never be replaced, but I can certainly make room for someone new.

Open your mind and open your heart to new possibilities.

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

Rough Draft-WOOSH

Just sharing a different variety of my insanity!

WOOSH

WOOSH-my water broke. Standing outside bending down to put Oreo on his chain. What the hell just happened? Oreo looks at me, I look at him, he steps back and gives the amniotic fluid a sniff. Life is about to change as we know it. 

He is not supposed to be here for two months! My water could not have possibly broken. His nursery is not ready. WOOSH-in the name of … it keeps coming! I didn’t finish birthing class yet and I didn’t read about this in What to Expect…oh shit…AGAIN! It is like a flood is bursting forth from my vagina. Hmmm-I need to call the Doctor and I need to clean up.

“What do you mean I have to come in? I realize my water broke, but you see his nursery is not even ready yet…did I mention he is not supposed to be here for two whole months?”

Trickle
Trickle

Trickle….is my amniotic sac the size of Texas? So apparently “cleaning up” is out of the question. This will work, waddling around, towel, nay, bath sheet between my legs throwing together my bag. I might add I am usually always prepared and very punctual, but he is two months early. I have to call Heather.

“Happy 21^st Birthday Little Sister-You are going to be an Auntie!”

Grab towel and husband, head towards car. Now I am sitting on towel in addition to bath sheet between my legs. OMFG-my back, my back-back labor! I really wish I would have finished the damn Lamaze class-OHHHHHHHHHHHH. Oreo is officially hiding under the bed, he is not much of a swimmer.

Breathing
Breathing
Not breathing-holding my breath!
Jesus oh Jesus-please help me!

I wave to my Lamaze class as I am being wheeled into the Birthing Center. “Hi Guys-I won’t be in class-we are having the baby!” Cheers and claps from my fellow classmates. I am not ready. I am so not ready! Down the hall, in my pink Mommy dress, my vagina randomly spurting liquid like the upper geyser basin at Yellowstone. This is the cold hard truth, this is happening. I don’t think I am wearing shoes. I can’t see my feet but I am pretty sure I have socks on, but no shoes. On the table.

Breathing
Breathing
Back labor-really? I was not prepared for this either. Holding my breath.
Clenching

Clenching-holding onto that railing of the bed. I am going to break the bed. I am transforming into She Hulk and I am going to rip the railing off the bed. Not prepared for back labor…OHHHHH!

Monitor-hearing his little heart beat. Beating so fast. This is my calm. This is my game changer. Everything is going to be fine, listening to his little heart beat. It doesn’t matter that it feels like a

vintage rail road spike is being hammered into my back or that I can’t see my feet, my precious boy is coming. Must remember to breath.

Woo hoo –Mr.  Intern I am not sure what you are doing between my legs with that test strip however if you could refrain from looking repulsed that would be a plus. I think he must be going into sports medicine or something because it would appear that he is turning green. I am simply giving birth here people, nothing new or unusual. Could we get a real Doctor in here-please?

Ultrasound-I love ultra sounds. First he started out as a little spot. He morphed into a turtle, some people thought he resembled a squirrel, whatever the case he was my beautiful boy. The boy part was obvious. Very hard to miss. My turtle had a penis for sure!( Ultra sounds were not all 3D and fancy when I had my boy-now you can see little faces and hands, so beautiful) “Huh-he is breach? Well we can work with that right? His umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck-he needs to come out now?” I am having a C-section. TOTALLY did not get to this part in Lamaze class, actually I think that is what we were covering tonight-DOH.

My sweet boy is here! They had to whisk him off to the neo natal unit. I didn’t get to hold him for three days. On the third day when they placed him in my arms all I could do was cry. Tears of joy, he was the most beautiful thing in the world. On the third day he became bigger and better, most certainly because he finally got to be where he was supposed to be-in my arms.

Happily ever after does exist, he is my living proof. I thank God every day for my Michael.

Rough Draft-Creative Writing Class-That is Not Iceseptabill

That is Not Iceseptabill

Wait Wait Wait

It’s All I Ever Do

Having a baby brother isn’t so much fun

Your don’t believe me? Well it’s true!

Once upon a time the world evolved around me

Now it evolves around Him

Wait Wait Wait

It’s All I Ever Do

He is gooey and sticky and sometimes he even smells like poo

I really don’t know what Mommy was thinking

I am pretty sure this is her fault

I think me and Daddy would have been happy with a puppy

He is allergic to cats so that idea was out

This is NOT Iceseptabill

What happened to my life?

Once upon a time I was the Princess of the World!

Life was like rainbows and ice cream before this kid was born.

Now my life is like a bowl of endless spinach and I have a little troll following me around!

This is Not Iceseptabill!

Maybe Mommy wouldn’t notice if I traded him for a dog?

Feedback:

Hey Laura, I enjoyed your poem That is Not Iceseptabill when your originally wrote it, but your revision is better. The addition of, "Life was like rainbows and ice cream before this kid was born.Now my life is like a bowl of endless spinach and I have a little troll following me around!" (Dailey, 2014), was the part I like the best. It adds a description of what a child assumes is the worst thing ever, spinach, and compares it to the terrible little brother she has gained. Also finding out that the child is a girl, gives the character more definition. As a older sister, later she might assume the role of taking care of her brother like a doll baby. Reference Dailey, L. 2014. That is Not Iceseptabill -Tiffany

Rough DratfCreative Writing-ALIVE

Greetings-

Thought I would share something a little more personal from the creative side of me.

ALIVE

The July heat was sticky and heavy, not only did the weather weigh heavy on her but her  world felt as if it were crumbling around her, she was breathless and broken. “Please come, please help me.” He came without question-he came. Like a modern day knight in shining armor pulling a horse trailer behind that 91 F150. “Please come, please help me. I don’t know what to do.” Uncertain where they could go, how she could take care of them, when everything they knew was falling apart around them. Joshua was only four. How does a four year old process loss?  Infinite tears. Infinite screams. The first night that Joshua knew was the longest night of their lives. “Bobbo Bobbo-Bobbo Bobbo” , he whaled and screamed. Red cheeks, streaming tears, runny nose. “Bobbo Bobbo” “My heart breaking is one thing but how do you deal with the breaking heart of a child?” “You will make it and so will he.” Big and brawn, powerful yet so gentle, and he came. He came when no one else did.  Richard Bach once said, “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect  and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.”a Just like Illusions, circling around a field in a bi plane, life is full of twists and turns, ups and downs, chance meetings and random encounters. That bond that Bach speaks of weaves tighter and more cohesively as  adoration grows stronger in sharing sorrows and tragedy in addition to those times of joy. II. Joshua watched as she fell. Crashing to the ground, her slight body looking pale and weak.  Foam coming from her mouth, blood pooling around her head. “Mama Mama-NO!” Silence- no words, no movement, just blood. “Mama Mama-Mama Mama wake up please!” tears well up in his big blue eyes. “911 911-hello. Can you please help my Mama?” “What is your name Sweetie?” “My name is Joshua Ma’am.  Mama is bleeding from her head. Please help me.” “Joshua are you by yourself?” “No-I am with Mama! Please help me.  I think she is going to be dead” sobs the sweet little one. “Honey how old are you?” “I am five.”  Perhaps she was mistaken, this would be the longest night of their lives,  at least the longest night of Joshua’s life.  “Little One I wish you could hear me. I am trying so hard to hold on.  I am trying to fight. Mama is trying my little one…”     Her eyes open, she is in pain. Pain is good. Looking around she realizes she is in the hospital. Pain means she is alive. “Where is Joshua?” She can’t sit. Tubes, machines, throat parched, “I am alive”.  IV taped to her frail hand, her skin almost transparent. Drip Drip  Drip As the morphine kicked back into overdrive, as it crawled  into her veins. She faded away. ‘Stay Gold Pony Boy’b. Melting into the bed- ALIVE. “Thank You God!” III. He came to her again without her asking.  He came and stepped in. Trying to hold a broken little boy together before he splintered into a million pieces. “You and your Mom are going to be ok. You and your Mom are going to make it. The Doctor’s are going to fix her up as good as new.” Joshua looked up at him with his big blue eyes, not certain. “Buddy you have to eat something. Do you want a hamburger?” “No” “How about some chicken nuggets?” “No” “How about a pbj?” “NO (the little one pauses) thank you.” He pauses again and looks into the man’s brown eyes and wrapped his hand  around the man’s finger. The man’s hands were so big compared to his own or even Mama’s all he could do was hold his finger.  “I just want my Mama”. IV.      The F150 has been changed to an electric lime Bronco, which makes the man a pretty psychedelic modern day knight. He brought Joshua to his Mother and they took her home.  They nursed her back to health and truly became that family, not all of blood, but of joy and respect . Of admiration and ups and downs. No piece of paper binds them, they are a family built upon love and choice. It hasn't all been happily ever after, but it has been real and it has been solid.  In sickness and in health, to have and to hold- he came when she called, when no one else did, and he never went away. Reference/Footnote a-Richard Bach (1977) Illusion: The Adventures of A Reluctant Messiah. b-SE Hinton (1967) The Outsiders. Feedback: Dear Laura Let me just say that I was on the edge of my see reading your fictional piece.  I was captivated from the very first line. It reminded me of a Twilight Zone movie.  The central idea appears to be lost, dread, desperation, fear, and strength.  The fist part of the piece is desperate.  Especially when the little boy is on the phone with the 9-1-1 operator.  The language is absolutely effective and it created a pretty precise image.  The point of view of the piece is love comes in all shapes and forms, and family is important.  I'm not sure about the ending. I'm mean it's a happy ending which is good but it just started out  so bleak and was expecting it to end that way as well.  So i guess you can say that i was a tiny bit disappointed.  The beginning really excited me but the ending, for me was somewhat lackluster.  However, I still think it was a good piece but I personally wanted it to end a little darker. Andria Good evening Laura, I read through your piece more than once and each time  I found another nugget to chew on and consider.  I found the style in which you chose to write this story went  well in hand with the way a person might feel if they had been in  an accident and coming to.   Your characters were developed in so much as it was easy to understand  the desperation that they were feeling especially the woman and her little boy. It is easy to appreciate how a person who has been injured would look at the person rescuing them as a knight in shining armor. I smiled at the modern day knight  showing up in his F150 pulling a horse trailer… it was romantic and delightful all at the same time. She was ALIVE and she appreciated the knight taking care of her little boy, urging him to eat when all he wanted was his Mama.  I am a big fan of Richard Bach’s work and in fact am looking over at my bookcase at one of my personal favorites that he wrote entitled One, and your reference to him was a bit confusing if someone has never read his work. Just a note that you might want to expound on this note and invite your reader into Bach’s world just a bit more as you relate it to the main  characters in your story. The ending, again although good,  seems a bit dis-jointed to the story itself. If I may suggest perhaps giving your knight a name and maybe giving  him more of a story, his love for the main character  and how he came to be a center point in the life of the woman who  almost died and her little boy. Excellent work. Thank you for sharing! Rachel

It’s Complicated

It’s Complicated

Greetings-

“One of the options for "Relationship Status" on Facebook. Refers to a couple in an ambiguous state between "friends" and "in a relationship". May also be used to indicate dissatisfaction with an existing relationship.

If someone changes their status from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated", expect them to be "Single" and "Looking for Random Play" soon.” (Urban Dictionary)

A Facebook relationship status, where an individual is not happy with their current relationship, and is willing to tell the world how frustrated they are with their significant other or lack thereof.

This can also mean that one is involved in multiple relationships. Or their significant other is a whore and complicated the relationship, but being with several people at once

Well how's your girlfriend Jim?

"She’s ok, I just wish she weren't dating three other guys while dating me too." It's complicated (Urban Dictionary).

It’s complicated - any relationship that's not OK.

Who ever said this relationship thing is easy? Life is full of complications.

“When people feel trapped by their current circumstances, but still do not want to ruin their relationship, cyberspace may offer a parallel world in which things are better. Time spent in that world can help them preserve their actual world, while not giving up on having exciting, even emotional experiences. Living within the two worlds is not easy, however, and may become increasingly risky when people do not realize the limitations of each” (Ben-Zeev, 2008).

I am really simply in awe of the fact that I am up in the middle of the night writing this-Dumb Ass.

“People, consciously or not, consider their online sexual relationships as real—they experience psychological states similar to those typically elicited by offline relationships. Accordingly, cybersex is not merely a conversation about sex, but a form of sexual encounter involves experiences typical of other encounters, such as sexual arousal, masturbation, orgasm, and satisfaction. Indeed, people consider cybersex to have a high degree of psychological reality—but many do not consider it to be morally real (Ben-Zeev, 2008).

It is morally real and morally wrong.

In the online realm I have used every relationship status possible in order to be left alone. I have been married. I have been a lesbian. These options seem to entice more so than simply being single. Like really Mr. Straight man if I were in fact a lesbian do you really think you are going to convert me? Dumb ass.

I have disengaged from the IM and the chat option. I obviously have a Facebook account. My Facebook account would indicate that I am married with children or grand-babies-probably both. If I have grand-babies, chances are I have children. Nothing more flattering than someone thinking I have a two year old. Hmmmm-maybe that is not flattery. Perhaps they just think I am insane (ha-ha says Agoraphobia Gurl)? On the surface I would appear to be happy. Guess what-aside from a few financial issues and this whole agoraphobia thing I am pretty happy. Life is pretty good. My life is filled with love. My life is filled with pretty amazing people.

“Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses” (Herkov, 2013).

Just something to think about…

If your relationship “status” has read- “It’s complicated” for over 10 years obviously something is missing from your life. If you are cheating on your spouse, obviously something is missing from your life. If you are staying in this relationship “because of the kids”-you might just be insane. When and or if they find out you have in fact cheated you have pretty much ruined them, after all you are the role model for your children. We want to role model healthy relationships and behavior. What are they seeing in the house right now? From this vantage point it doesn’t seem like they are witnessing anything close to loving or normal. When all is said and done, young or old-when you do divorce it is going to hurt them. Really it is never going to be easy or great, divorce isn’t.

I just want to point out MY LIFE IS PERFECTLY FINE-everything is peachy.

I really don’t care generally speaking about anyone’s business, I am all about harm none and being happy. Which brings me to the point. BE HAPPY.

“The most important thing is to enjoy your life—to be happy—it's all that matters.” ― Audrey Hepburn

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” ― Dr. Seuss

Reference

Ben-Zeev, A. (2008) Is Chatting Cheating? Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com

Herkov, M. (2013). What is Sexual Addiction? Retrieved from: http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-sexual-addiction/000748

 Urban Dictionary (2010) http://www.urbandictionary.com/

Blurred Lines

Greetings,

I was conversing with my Sister today and we were talking about boundaries. In having agoraphobia I “bond” inappropriately-however I have caught myself and have tried to rectify the problem. No more “bonding” with Physical Therapists and other people I have a “professional” relationship with. When one rarely goes out into the world it can be a lonely place.

I am not perfect. I found my Doctor-my ex Doctor-he moved to Texas, and if you follow me, you know that. Well, I found him on Facebook. I debated and debated-do I send the friend request? I did. I am pretty sure he is ignoring it, and I have to let it go. He was my Doctor not my friend. I was feeling vulnerable, I have been with him for a long time, and his old office had called to try and set up an appointment with his “replacement”. I use that term loosely as no one could ever replace him. I told the office I would not be returning because it is stupid to go that far, I am sure I can find someone else closer-however the nurse informed me that they would be removing me from the call list and removing Doctor Vacek as my Primary Caregiver- I did a slow motion-“noooooooooooo”, and she giggled at me. I said “not acceptable- he is still my primary”. She again giggles, “He can’t be your primary-he lives in Texas”. Damn it. Maybe he didn't notice my friend request…..like I said. I am working on it.

As a teacher, as a preacher- when and where is it ok to cross these lines? How far can we cross them? When I was a hottie bartender in Delavan people would follow me home, or wait for me outside after I closed the bar. Having creepers pull up on a Monday morning while I am standing outside with my child waiting for the bus to pick him up-seriously crossing lines. In the event that you didn't know this-stalking your bartender and hitting on her outside of her home in front of her child is not endearing in any way shape of form. It is just creepy.

Boundaries exist to protect both the professional and the client, whomever that client may be. Teacher –parent relationships, Pastor-parishioner relationships-it is all a very slippery slope. Boundary violations can harm everyone involved. Professional boundaries define effective and appropriate interaction between professionals and the public they serve.

“Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. A boundary or limit is how far we can go with comfort in a relationship. It delineates where I and my physical and psychological space end and where you and yours begins” (University of Southern California Center for Work and Family Life, N/A).

“A mentor once told me that pastors are to be friendly, but should not become friends with the parishioners. This reflection reminded me of those words she once shared with me. There is a difference between being friendly and become friends - two things that the comments to this article seem to miss. I believe - and have experienced - that being a friendly pastor is healthy for the church and for my own self; but I my friends are outside of my congregation. Someone mentioned Jesus - duh! When I read the gospels, I read about Jesus' friendship with Martha, Mary and Lazarus; and I read about Jesus' love for his disciples. But I have not read about Jesus becoming friends with his disciples. In any case, I have lived by this... I try to be friendly and to love and to listen, and my friends and supporters are outside of my congregation (Santiago, 2012).

Boundaries exist in all aspects of our lives. We have professional boundaries, work boundaries, physical boundaries, and emotional boundaries. It is so much easier and clearer to define my physical boundaries and my physical comfort level-it is pretty much if you are over the age of 10 don’t touch me! Yeah-I am a work in progress. I am agoraphobic-my geographical comfort level is pretty much nonexistent. Some days I am not even comfortable in my own skin.

Time to go check Facebook…

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

Reference

    University of Southern California Center for Work and Family Life (N/A). CREATING HEALTHY PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL BOUNDARIES. http://www.usc.edu/

    Santiago, J.M. (2012) Good Reminder. Retrieved from: http://www.christiancentury.org/article/2012-12/pastor-not-friend

Not Defined by Our “Bondo”

Greetings-

Yes-I really do know what Bondo is-and it is not because of Dean!

Some of my most favorite pictures are with the special people in my life, caught at random moments of silliness, playfulness, and love.

I posted a picture yesterday and was informed I need a make over-full on wax, hair, the works. Well, this is how I look at 5 am. I am good with it. I didn't post the picture for anyone’s approval. I posted the picture because I was spending the day with my little buddy (one of my little buddies) and he looked happy, maybe even joyful being with me. That is what I was capturing. That is what I was sharing.

“The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.” - Audrey Hepburn

We keep hearing about self- image, airbrushing, eating disorders, plus sized models being smaller than you average sized woman…but we can’t even be kind to others (this seems to be my theme lately). I have friends of all shapes and sizes. I have some friends that I have never seen wear makeup and that is ok. We are not defined by Cover Girl or Estee Lauder, we are not defined by acrylic nails or Botox. We are defined-or should be defined by what is inside. Who we are at our inner core. True beauty comes from within. True beauty is about soul and spirit.

“What you do, the way you think, makes you beautiful.” - Scott Westerfeld

The person who informed me of my need of an entire make over digressed when I removed her post and politely told her “I am sorry if you don’t approve of my appearance at 5 am, but I am cool with it” because I am. The beauty in that picture was about a moment-a beautiful moment. The person who made the comment tried to say “I was just messing around-I was just playing-I didn't mean it”. Which really was bullshit. At my age I know it when I see it. I might not always let on…that is another cool thing about being a little bit older. Some of us do become a little bit wiser.

“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. “- Kahlil Gibran

My light shines!

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

I guess the moral of this was mean people suck but sometimes they can’t help it-they are just stupid.

“Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
Because Baby you’re a firework!”

                                          -Katy Perry

To suck or to not suck....

Greetings-

A gentleman, like a real live living breathing gentleman started to help me on with my coat. I stood and looked at him in total confusion, not understanding WHY he was holding my coat. I am old enough to get this conceptually, but the actual act was baffling. I stood and looked at him like a deer in head lights-TRUTH. Some days I am like that proverbial bull in the china store-TRUTH. I lack total grace and tact at most moments-TRUTH. (Stop laughing friends and family). I “had” to dance with this Gentleman at my sister’s wedding, why do I say “had”, because this Gentleman could be on like Dancing with the Stars and I am still doing that 80’s back and forth shuffle-kind of like Carlton. I apologize if you do not get that reference. I am pretty sure I actually stepped on that man at my sister’s wedding and I can’t follow a lead….back to that lacking in grace thing.

I have been thinking about this for almost a full week now, I could think of one other Gentleman, he is a real live Southern Gentleman. I like Southern Gentleman, the accent gets me every time. When we actually got to meet for the very first time in person (he is a family friend-more like an extended relative) when he said, “It is so nice to see those pretty blue eyes in person” you could have knocked me over with a feather.

So we have established Stan and Dennis are Gentleman, and Sharon and Barb are lucky! (Both couples are WONDERFUL to each other and are blessed to have one another).

I have tried to raise my son to be a gentleman, to open doors for a lady, to Sir and Ma’am when appropriate, to treat women with respect, and hopefully I have been successful in this, for the most part I am pretty certain I have been.

So as I have been pondering the “what is wrong” with society today I have come to some conclusions. Good old fashioned values are really not dead, some of them have just been misplaced. In some cases as a woman, especially the modern soap box standing man bashing woman, (I am not a man bashing woman-furthest thing from) we thought we could and should put our own coats on, and open our own doors, and rid ourselves of all of those “antiquated” notions. I for one like those antiquated notions. I like a gentleman.

However this goes much deeper. What about community? What about family? Have you ever heard of a barn raising? Google it if not. Once upon a time neighbors helped out neighbors and friends and family took care of one another. Where did this “tradition” go? See I am contemplating the concept of a “Gentleman” when NO ONE is really taking care of one another. When someone is sick, you prepare a meal and deliver it. You say, “Hey you need me to pick up some toilet paper for you or your prescriptions?” Do something. When a person passes away it used to be, people would show up with a casserole or a Bundt cake. I have seen this only once happen in my life time as an adult and it was in Upper Michigan, maybe something is in the air that shows them how to behave properly. Southerners probably still do it.

This leads me to my next point. Apparently some people simply suck. Dear God- no one should ever feel alone or be alone in these circumstances-if you in fact KNOW someone who is sick, needs help, needs a ride and you are so self-absorbed that you can’t take time out of your precious life to make a Bundt cake-you probably do in fact suck.  If you suck-it is not too late to stop sucking. I have faith in you. It can be a phone call, a store bought Bundt cake, a fruit basket, or holding some ones hand. I think you can. I think you can. I know you can! If you opt to continue sucking…I guess that is your choice. However when you die alone don’t be too shocked.

I guess that wasn’t too “lady like”.

I am blessed. I am thankful for all of my blessings.

I am surrounded by loving people.

My Dad is a good man. He would give you the shirt off of his back, and has. At the drop of a hat he will stop whatever he is doing to help YOU out. Plus he is madly in love with my Mom.

Adam-aka “Dean” is amazing. Sometimes it is hard to correlate “Gentleman” with “Urban-redneck” or “Lumber sexual”-but he is a damn good man. Has he fixed your car? Plowed your driveway? Dropped everything for…whatever the hell you needed-probably.

I have sisters, I have friends-I am blessed!

The moral of the story-life is filled with “Gentleman” and “Ladies”. Life is full of “good” and “bad”. The choice is up to you-to suck or to not suck….

Love and Light-

Agoraphobia Gurl

On a side note- Steve Smith you are a true friend and have turned out to be a mighty fine example of a Gentleman. Thank you! It was a rollercoaster ride, but totally worth it.

How to Flake Out - An Agoraphobe’s Guide

Greetings,

Every once in a while actually revisiting the intended purpose of the blog is probably a good thing. So I was perusing this morning for something “Insightful” to say, as this is one of my difficult times of year so by no means am I beacon of health and wellness. I stumbled upon something as agoraphobic person that I found amusing, so I thought I should share:

How to Flake Out - An Agoraphobe’s Guide

 

1. Agree to a social outing with an acquaintance.
2. Panic over agreed upon social outing.
3. At the last minute, come up with an almost convincing excuse to flake out.
Examples include:
~My cat is sick.
~I totally forgot that I had homework.
~I actually have to watch The Lord of the Rings extended editions alone today, per doctor’s orders.
~I took too many klonopin and now I have to sleep it off for the next month.

You’re welcome. ( Doctor Donna Darling, 2014).

How absolutely perfect is that! I would never use the excuse of something or someone such as my cat (or my child) being sick to get out of something, I myself feel as if this is bad karmic "juju". Kind along the lines of "if you build it they will come”-I may or may not be wrong about this, but it is not worth the chance. Chances are if I am flaking myself out I have physically made myself sick. You know if you suffer from panic or agoraphobia what I am talking about. One of my shrinks told me “Where do you think the term scared shitless comes from?” Brilliant.  Stomach in knots, nausea building up, sweating…I don’t need to create excuses. I live in the moment, sometimes engulfed in fear.

FAKE IT TILL YOU FEEL IT

"Fake it till you feel it" is probably the mantra I’ve carried with me the longest. I remember writing in a text book a few weeks before I dropped out of the first college I attended. Over the years, the things I’ve been faking have changed- I’ve faked happiness, I pretended that "I’ve got this"… (anxiousovernothing, 2014). Actually a lot of truth lies behind this. A lot of this healing process is essentially faking it. Taking a walk out that door until it doesn’t “hurt” any more. It is like immersion therapy. Immersion therapy is a psychological technique which allows a patient to overcome fears (phobias), but can be used for anxiety, panic, and sexuality disorders as well. This is not always recommended for everyone, and not something intended as a solo starter project. You put yourself into the fear factor, you hate all the people at the mall-you go to the mall. You hate all of the people at the fair-you go to the fair. That sounds big and scary right, but start with your baby steps. Walkout side the door, walk to the mail box, walk down the street just far enough that you can see your house and turn around running when you feel like you are going to vomit. Just take baby steps.

 

 

• Anxiety: hey!
• Me: what now?
• Anxiety: Nothing, just wanted to worry you today.
• Me: ...great
• Anxiety: Hey your boyfriend/girlfriend didn't text you back, they're probably with someone else right now.
• Me: ....
• Anxiety: Oh your best friend hasn't spoken to you today either. They're probably sick of your shit.
• Me: ....
• Anxiety: Your parents said they're really proud of you..do you honestly believe that?
• Me: ....
• Anxiety: Where do you see yourself in a year? Oh wait, you can barely get through a day!
• Me: ...shut up.
• Anxiety: Will you ever rise to anything?
• Me: Shut up!
• Anxiety: Or are you always this pathetic? Lol
• Me: Why can't you leave me alone!?
• Anxiety: Because messing with your head is what I live for. (Author unknown)

TRUTH-damn voices!

So I found these little perils of wisdom on an actual support type group on tumblr. I plan on going back and visiting, and reading some more. Having support and people who can actually relate to your experience makes this world feel a little less lonely.

Love and Light,

Agoraphobia Gurl

 

Reference
http://agoraphobia-support.tumblr.com/