Little Turtle and Other Crazy S$%*

It has been a day.
One of the family pets, a beautiful red eared slider that belongs to my son passed today. He has been a family member for 11years. I spent several years chastising Dean for this birthday gift that what not approved, and today I cried as I held his lifeless body. I know, sounds weird I guess, but I had a relationship with Gamara, we talked, I pinched his tush, I looked into his eyes and saw the soul of this little creature who depended on me. I am really rather broken up about it.
My son has been rock solid, he really had no option. With freaking out cousins and a tearful Mom, 16 and still the man, being brave and taking care of every one else just like he always has.
Wasn't I just talking about this? Loss, karma, why does all the crap have to happen to my kid when I can't do anything about it? With every bump in the road what this has created is a beautiful, polite, young man. Yes inside of him is hurt and anger, but inside of him is also great love. Yesterday at the festivities the extended relatives were talking about what a polite young man he is, and I can proudly say yes he is. My sister had commented she was pleased at the care and concern he had shown for her daughter.
Sometimes it is really easy to be pissed off about some one not cleaning the bedroom or taking a plate to the sink, but damn I really have a kid to be proud of. He is kind,loyal , and polite.
So no matter what craziness or lack of "normal" I have given to him, which he would never complain about me. He thinks I am the best thing in the world, which is pretty amazing considering his age.
No matter what kind of shit life has handed to him, and it is plenty, all odds stacked against him, and he is AMAZING. I have always said he is the best thing I have ever done, and I really just meant the whole my egg, he grew in me thing, I am not sure how much credit I can take for the rest. I think he turned out pretty amazing simply because he is amazing.
I love you forever.
I like you for always.
As long as I am living my baby you will be.


Love and Light~
Make sure to hug your kid and tell them how special they are.

The Day After

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday! It has been a very busy Christmas season here, I am glad it is over...I guess.
Yesterday I went to my Mom and Dad's, the house was packed with yummy food (I so want to go back and get some carrot cake and ham!)and people. Mom's house is always filled with people, but her only brother, her only sibling and his family were over. We only gather as a family at Christmas time with all of us. I know my Grandma would hate that.
It was such a good day. My Uncle Eddie is just one of my favorite people, my favorite Uncle hands down. Funny, I am always taking pictures, mostly of the kids, any kids really, but yesterday WE were the kids. My sisters, my cousin Jim and me, I am gathering us around Uncle Eddie for pictures, pictures with each other, it was just like being a kid.
My Uncle Eddie is a person who can make me feel 5 again, which I shared with him and probably should not have(I don't think he got it). When he is around I just feel like a little girl. I feel safe. I feel happy. I feel comfort, and I feel pure joy. It doesn't really matter what else is going on. I didn't get to stay as long as I would have liked, which will not be happening again. I don't get that much time with him. When I was growing up it was every weekend. I am 44 years old now, I love this man and I don't want life to be filled with remorse and regret when he  is gone. I want to seize every opportunity and perhaps create more. I want to cherish every moment. By closing myself off from the world and social situations I am closing myself off to opportunities and relationships, important relationships.
When I see him and squeeze him my eyes tear up, I love him so much. I go back to that place in time...Sunday on Leon Terrace with Grandma and Grandpa and all kinds of food and love. Where I was a little girl and life was safe and good. I was the first Grandchild, and the first niece. I knew love. I was spoiled, not in that bad  "gimmie gimmie" way, but just spoiled with attention and love.
Yesterday was good. Like time stopped, seeing my parents and my Aunt and Uncle, and US kids.
When I was talking to my Aunt Liz, we were talking about how time just flies, she said she remembers when I was 3, I said I remember you and my Mom in your short short skirts and big  hair! I guess I could go on and on about how good yesterday felt but I guess the important message here is don't shut yourself off from every thing.
I know how hard it can be walking out the door, walking into a big group of people, fearing the unknown; but the things we miss if we don't can be huge.
A new year is around the corner lets face it together with courage so we don't have to be filled with regret and what ifs.

Love and Light

Baby It's Cold Outside....

Good Day!

December 20th and we are finally getting some snow, I was kind of hoping for a snow free birthday, but I will live. It was raining all day so the snow is actually nice-ish. I have a hard time enjoying snow. I am not particularly fond of it, but the rain was a little depressing.
Oddly enough my agoraphobic self went to Wal Mart today (I really had to get cat food), it was a quick trip, I only spent about 30.00(this never happens when I go to Wal Mart) but I did okay. Maybe all of this going to church and what not is getting me in the swing of leaving the house a little. I am not going to be overly optimistic, as whenever I get pumped up about "normal" I fall on my ass, but I will take it as I am on the right path. I usually try to avoid any and all stores at all cost in December and to go and wander BY MYSELF on the 20th of December is pretty damn good. Yay me!

I am on break from school, not sure if I mentioned that or not in my last post. I get 2 whole weeks off out of the year, I keep signing on to check my grades, now I have gotten them (probably going to be on the Dean's list again), I am not sure what to do with myself. I have plenty to do. I still have gifts to wrap, which is highly unusual. I finally read The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom, I bought it as soon as it came out and I have finally have read it, now I need to find some one to discuss it with. I miss my Janesville friends(and you too Tammy, I found you in Janesville) we were that kind of group of people; books, religion, and politics. I know that is a strong group of friends to be talking religion and politics! Now I am working my way into a Nora Roberts book, not expecting any great meaning from that, simply pleasure.

Hope you are having a wonderful day.
Love and Light.

Good intentions

Good Day

I keep intending to write but I have just been so busy. With school and getting ready for the holidays I feel like I am constantly juggling something.
Spent time with my family this weekend, went to see the kids pageant for Christmas at church. It was a good weekend. I was even bold enough to go take communion, I have not taken communion in years. It is hard enough to get myself in the door and seated. They closed with Silent Night and again my eyes fill up with tears, being in that place at Christmas time where everything happened...we were all married in that church, our children were all baptised in that church, my husbands funeral service was in that church. Christmas makes me very sentimental about John. He brought great joy to the holidays.
My son is really struggling right now with missing him. His memory is beginning to fade and that is almost too much for him to handle, losing the sound of his voice and the picture of him in his head. It is really amazing to me he has been able to hold on to it this long. He was only 5 when John died and it has been a really long time.
I wish so much I could fix him and make him not hurt, but I can do nothing. All I can do is listen I can't make the pain go away. As a parent nothing is worse than seeing your child suffer, and my child has known so much suffering.
I feel like in talking about grief and loss I should mention the Sandy Hook families, as you face this horrible loss know that the world cares about you and so many prayers and good intentions go out to you and those you have lost. What a horrible and unthinkable act of violence.
I wonder how it must feel turning on your computer and being bombarded with articles, turning on the tv and hearing it over and over, going on to Facebook and seeing all of the little stars in the memory of...how numb you must all be. Probably sick of hearing about Jesus and Gods plan, I don't know why people think that helps when something horrible happens...as I can say from experience it doesn't. I am sure that will piss a few people off, but sometimes when horrible things happen it is just best left as. I am sorry. I am here if you need me. Make a casserole(that they probably won't eat)...because some things just suck. It is that simple, or it should be that simple. People need to be allowed to process grief how they need too, if it is by prayer and embracing Jesus so be it, but it needs to be a choice, no one needs to hear, "It was Gods plan" or "Now your baby is with Jesus" because that just sucks. My heart goes out to you all.

Love and Light

More on today...

So I am exhausted and should be in bed. I have taken enough diazepam today to knock out a horse.
I never made it to the birthday party. I was ready, made up and pretty and spent the day waiting for Dean to get home. It would have been nice to have gotten a phone call atleast. I understand that work has to come first but I could have made other plans, I can think of a few people who would have given me a ride. I just felt bad. Dean got home like 30 minutes before the party ended and was a major crab ass. I told these people I would be at the party.I am sorry Alyssa. I really wanted to be a part of your special day.
I got myself mentally ready and took my bucket o diazepam to get me out the door. It takes alot to get me out the door. It is a process. So Dean end I end up in a disagreement. I ended up going to my Parents choir concert with my Sister, and it was a very nice time. My nephew was in the concert too so we were like an hour early which gave us time to chat.
Just when you think you have seen it all, some one had a purse dog with them at the concert!!! It wasn't a helper dog I swear to you a purse dog in a sweater. I was worried about having a sugar soda in the service incase I got low, go figure. Who brings a purse dog to church, really.
I got to see a very dear friend Janet, she is one of the best people I know, so that made my day.
I tried to do everything I was supposed to. I set out with good intentions. I didn't let the first mishap spiral out of control and give up on the rest of my day, which I do sometimes. I get so stressed I just can't even try. I faught the stress and I won. I feel bad that I let some one down, and I guess that gave me the strength and determination to not let others down, or myself the rest of the day. I am off to bed.

Love and Light

Holiday rush

I have had most of my shopping done for ages, which I usually  do the bulk of it online. Thank you Amazon!
I am starting to feel a little bit festive with my little tree covered in sparkling lights. Perhaps I should pull more decorations out.
I have such a hard time leaving the house this time of year; the darkness, the weather, and depression I guess.
When Lily's little brother Lincoln was born believe me I jogged my tush up to the hospital as soon I was given the okay from the Mom. I really didn't stress over that, the hospital is for the most part in my "safe zone" and I got to hold that little peanut and nothing is a better stress reliever. I knew I loved him before he was born but you hold them in your arms under your heart and that just seals the deal. The love just oozes right inside of you.
Yesterday we finished Thanksgiving, no more turkey! The last of the Thanksgiving gatherings, woot. This is a good thing being that we are just about ready to hit Christmas. Dean's Dad and his foster son were here. I made a very yummy pork roast, all of the sides, yummy buttery rolls, and of course pie. We were expecting Dean's son to show up, I guess more so hoping than expecting.
I am not in leftover over load, I packed up a huge package for Dad to take home with him, so they should be eating well for the next few days.
Today we are supposed to go to a birthday party for a one year old and we have my parents choir concert at the church tonight. I am looking forward to the choir concert. I have to pick better seating this time, well my sister will be at the church early so she is in charge of seating. Last year when we went I kind of went into sensory overload. The church is packed to begin with, I sat by the bell choir, because bells are pretty right...not so much when you are sitting on top of them, and the added bonus to that was the bell choir was seated all around us so every time they played they had to walk past me and brush up against me, you know how this agoraphobic gurl loves being touched by strange people! I am going to make it to that concert, I am not going to let the fear win. I will just stay away from the bells.
Tomorrow is a busy day too, not stress busy. My sister and I are both making home made soup for lunch at Mom's after church, this choir thing is an all weekend event so we are going to make them some lunch and visit for awhile. After that we are heading over to see Lincoln and Lily. I do pretty good when I go to the house, I do better the fewer people that are actually at the house but that is how I roll.
I hope your holidays are stress free and I hope you are managing your panic and anxiety. It is a hard time of year for most of us with those issues. I have been trying to get back into the habit of taking a bath again, a nice long soak in some bubbles is a good relaxer.

Love and Light

A Christmas gift from Jennifer

One of those things I dance around is my Son's Father. He has been gone 10 years in November. We are not particularly close to his family, and believe me we have tried. He died in November the year my Son turned 5. The holidays were rough. The holidays continue to be tough. Johns was so enthusiastic about the holidays, he made the best stuffing ever. He loved picking a fresh tree out so the scent of pine would linger in the house. He loved all of the lights and decorating.
John was one of those special people who got to help Santa out, one of those wonderful people that dress up and fill in where needed. He was Santa for The Jaycees on several occasions, he was Santa in the Waukesha parade. His heart was filled with giving, year round.
With the amazing technology we call Face book I have come into contact with Jennifer. Johns good friends had two beautiful children named Jennifer and Erick. John loved those kids like they were his own. Jennifer would climb into his lap and just love on him, and he needed that. He didn't get much of that when he was growing up, unconditional love.
Often I get sad thinking about what he is missing, he should be here for our child, that is a no brainer. He would have become a Great Uncle this year, and his loss is being felt by his niece Sarah. I look at Jennifer and Erick, they are both grown, and married, and have babies! Jennifer has four beautiful girls, and I mean beautiful! John should be here! When John was preparing to die he started one of those Thomas Kincaid memory books for our Son. His favorite place and time was Christmas at Jennifer and Erick's house. He should be here.
I have had the opportunity to spend some time talking with Jennifer, who is missing her "Uncle" John and some other very important people she has lost. She told me how she hangs her Christmas ornament from him every year at the top of her tree, I am assuming it is one of the rose bells or balls we got together on our first Christmas, and this year I got out the tiny Christmas tree that was in his hospital room dusted it off and put it on display. It is covered with the remaining rose bells and balls we bought that first Christmas 25 years ago. They are becoming very old and tattered, maybe I should wrap them very carefully and retire them till my Son is old enough to have his own tree, but that is my Christmas gift from Jennifer. A gentle reminder from some one else who really loved him about trying to embrace his love and light during the holidays. John brought the joy and it is so wonderful having some one to share that with. Thank you Jennifer, you are loved!

Love and Light

Please oh Please stop calling me....

Hello:

Any one else left out in the world with a land line or is it just me? I know I have complained about this before but, yup I am going to complain about it again, I can not stand any more political calls. They come from private numbers, regular looking local numbers, my Lord, makes me almost not want to vote. What was that movie with Richard Pryor? Brewsters Millions I do believe, "Vote for None of the Above".
I am sick to death of hearing about it, makes me feel like voting for none of the above(I already voted).
I need the Catholics for Romney people to just stop calling on behalf of "life". I am all about the unborn fetus. I love babies! I do however know that a woman has the right to make that choice, especially in the case of incest or rape. I know I don't really have a popular view point on this but I am pro father too(sorry man haters). Having a son who has wanted to be a daddy all of his life I would like to think that he has some rights. Well I am just all over the place tonight, really it is just about my phone. All day every day...please stop calling!!! It is better if I get a human that I can argue with or bitch at, but it is almost in every case an auto bot, I can't argue with or get pissy with a computer generated phone call. What fun would that be.

Had a little Halloween gathering yesterday for our little people. I like to have a childrens party so I can see all of the little ones in costume. Lily was Dorthy from the Wizard of Oz, so sweet. Every one was just adorable. It was rather cold out but we had a fire to keep us not frozen. I used to have parties for Halloween for my son when he was a little one, everyone in his class wanted to be invited, and they pretty much were. They were one of the big highlights of the year. Tractor rides and all kinds of spooktacularness.

I am going to head off for now. Just thought I was due to check in. I have so much home work, but I am cold and just want to crawl into bed.
Have a safe and fun time trick or treating, and for those of you on the coast be safe, we are all thinking of you.

Love and Light,
Agoraphobia Gurl

I switch cheese steak for burrito and feel the same.

Hello:

I really did not have a burrito or a cheese steak, but it sounds like a bomb idea. I would love to go down to Chubby's in Milwaukee for a cheesesteak. So today sucked.One of those things I hate about me is having to depend on others, and let me tell you I can depend on very few people. Shout out to Annie for the bail out today. Honestly if I could just go and do it myself, don't you think I would?
I miss my independence. I miss Saturdays downtown, going to the farmers market and the bakery, enjoying a crisp fall day grabbing a cup of joe.
I miss Friday night date nights with my son, who is now kind of old for Friday night date nights with me, but I can still long for the ability to go to the mall with him, just me and him, catch a movie, grab a bite to eat, hit Barnes and Noble. Fuck I had a pretty good life. I worked hard I played hard. I loved being me. I loved being strong and independent.
Dean is on my last nerve, where is that sweet understanding guy that was my friend? Our situation has kind of turned into a joke, but who cares. I am not sure if I even care. I guess my kid cares. I know my kid cares.
Loving school. Loving Ben Mirov, he is so unusual. Kind of a hard ass in class, which is good I guess. I love the interaction. I really wish we could talk about his work. I need to see if he teaches a creative writing course and If I can take it. That is where my "I switch cheese steak for burrito and feel the same." came from, one of his books.
Hope you are all getting out and attempting to be productive members of society : )
I know we all do our best, just messing with you.

Love and Light

Janesvilles Finest (rolling my eyes)

Hello Loves,

I am a very bad girl, I skipped part of the debate tonight to finish the end of Easy A, which I have watched several times, but it is fun, mindless, and makes John Hughes references..what can I say?
I tuned in time for two Catholic men debating abortion...is it just me or is something greatly wrong with this? I filled in my early ballot, can I be excused from the rest of this election? I am getting phone calls at least every hour from one party or another. I have given up answering my phone, unless I recognize your name and number I am not answering it until after the election. Enough of that, I try to make it a point to not talk politics here, because this is about agoraphobia and living with it.

Speaking of which, not doing  good. Had to run some errands and didn't get too far. I went to the library, I didn't go in, just dropped the books off. Went to grab some milk and a few other things, I just wanted to run. I was getting so freaked out in the store. I didn't get half of what I needed. I did manage to stay in line and pay for my things. Frustrating, at least I have school to focus on so I can feel like I am making progress some where in my life.

Love and Light

MIA again...life happens

Hello Blogosphere,

Fall is upon us, which means I go deeper into hiding. Part of my disease, not a traditional quirk of the agoraphobic so Dr. Bob tells me. That is me. I am simply unique.

I did go to the Dells (Wisconsin Dells) a few weeks back. After season, so we didn't get to do all of the cool things the Dells has to offer. I mainly went so Dean and Michael could have some fun on the go carts at Mt Olympus, they had the go carts closed : (
Totally not cool, but we still had fun. Went to Paul Bunyan's for breakfast, did some shopping, played in the lazy river. Most importantly...I spent some normal family time with my son. That is always the infinite goal and what I kick myself about the most. I don't mind so much (really this is not true) not having a life, but not giving my son a normal life...I beat myself up the most about that. I will go as far as to say I really hate that about me (Eileen you don't have to post some thing kind~I am just sharing my feelings). So we had a normal type family vacation and I feel pretty good about that.

I have been super busy with school. I am finishing up a World History class, which is not my thing but it was kind of cool. I am really pumped up for my English class I am starting. My professor is a fellow by the name of Ben Mirov. He is a published poet and editor. I have spent the day reading about him, reading his poetry, watching him on You Tube...I probably should actually be doing some school work instead of researching my instructor. That is what I am doing btw, researching not cyber stalking. I like to know who is teaching me, and Mr. Mirov seems worthy. I am truly appreciative of a quality instructor and I think he will be.

 I think if we met on a personal level I would simply like him, he is what I would call 90's coffee house cool. Reminds me of my pre agoraphobia days, when I could go to a coffee house on open mic night and BE cool. His poems are kind of strange. I like them.

Feeling a little inspired,
Love and Light.

Freaky Friday

Hello Loves;

Again I have been neglectful of you here in the blogosphere. I have been just so busy with school.
Which is really a bad excuse, I need to make this a priority too. Sharing my agoraphobia with you is part of my healing and recovery process.
I really have not been out much at all. not like a normal person would be. Yesterday I walked around the neighborhood to a few yard sales. We took Lily to Chuck E Cheese, she will be starting school soon, so no more regular Lily visits : (
I have been to some car shows. I am slacking in the going out department. Summer is almost over and I have pretty much wasted it hiding in the house. I really wanted to go see the Beach Boys at Summerfest, which is crazy, me at Summerfest, which is probably why no one wanted to try and take me. That would be my regret of the summer.I have mentioned to Dean on several occasions I would like to go see two bands play out. Local bands, I discovered one of them in the Mukwanago parade(car show). I am not a fan of country music, but these boys were great. They have been picked up by a label in Nashville, which is amazing. So if you get the chance check out the Mantz Brothers Band. Agoraphobiagurl guarantees you will have a good time! The other band I want to see is called Cover to Cover, I am pretty sure they are a rock cover band but an old friend of mine just joined up, and I would like to go and support him. He is a great drummer and a super sweet guy, Chas Saldivar.
I regret every day the example I am setting and the life I am creating for my son. Other families go out to eat, to the movies, and vacations. We really don't. He needs to get some normal in his life otherwise he is going to end up like me.
How have you been spending your summer? I hope you are having some fun and enjoying life, not just hiding out at home.

Love and Light

Boobies

Hello Loves,

How are we doing? I am doing, not great. I ran some errands this morning, so my agrorphobic ass
did get out of the house. I managed to snap on Dean while in the Dollar Store. Things have not exactly been peachy around here and I mostly want to punch him in the throat, this has been lingering since my I am sorry I made you cry post. I know you say get over it, but my people don't get over it.
Just ask my Mum about Wendy's or Sam's Club, we hold a grudge when we are treated poorly.
Months ago they found those lumps in my breasts, one in each, like a matching set. In this time I was supposed to wait, wait to see if they grow. Well I have been just stewing in this. I have been trying not to think about it, but I can't shut it off. I am actually pretty certain the lump in my right breast has grown. I can feel that it has grown. Monday morning 7:30 am is when I get them rechecked. Nothing like starting the day with a strange woman feeling you up and proceeding to have them squished flat like a pancake...Agoraphobia Gurl is a little shaken and stirred, not in a good way like a yummy alcholic beverage, in  bad way. I don't want sick boobies. The rest of me is fucked up enough, I don't need this too. So if you are so inclined maybe say a little prayer, light a little candle, do what ever it is, to who ever your God is. Send a little love my way : )

Thanks
Love and Light

Computer Literacy ...

Happy Friday : )

It is a beautiful day and I should be outside playing but I have been trapped here all day while my central air gets installed. I have taken this opportunity to look ahead to my Computer Lit. class that is starting next week. I am having yet another what the hell was I thinking moment. This class in itself is going to be a full time job. I will be creating graphs and charts and using WORDLE. What the hell is Wordle???  Take me back to my grammar I was bitching about, I at least understand the words that are being said to me. I understand the word punctuation, I just don't use it properly. I really wish they would finish up with my CA, I would like some private time to cry now.

I would love to go do something tonight. I would like to go to the Saint Mary's Festival. I know how often does AgoraphobiaGurl WANT to go out, well actually a lot, it just frightens me if I actually get to do it. I at least need to go water the garden and enjoy my yard. The man installing the CA smooshed all of my chives and is bordering on rhubarb damage. UNCOOL!

Try and get out and do something fun.
Love and Light!

Grammar is Evil

My English Comp class is almost over...WOO HOO. I am pretty sure I am going to pass...double WOO HOO. Hmmm....this might be the reason I am having issues...
I really am trying and I expected this to be an easy A.

I will miss Mr.Schulman. He is my TA and he is over qualified so having him give me feedback on my papers is an amazing gift. Grant you I don't know that I would actually put writing for MTV on my resume personally, when he has done so many really amazing things. But that is me.

I should go out and do something but it is so hot, and my head is throbbing. I am pretty sure my brain might in fact be bleeding. I just took the dreaded quiz. I only have a few more posts to make and a revision on my essay and I am done with English Comp for now. Sadly I have to do English Comp II
in about a month. Maybe this is why my hair is falling out!

Maybe after I get some work done in the house I will try and do some meditation. I was planning on going to the hospital for lab work this morning, but my blood sugar was low and it was a fasting lab...
so needless to say that didn't work. Why am I bringing this up? That was my leaving the house plan. Walking to and from the hospital, so maybe we will try meditation instead. It would be nice if my brain would stop throbbing.

I am in ramble mode.

What are you going to do for you today? If you can't make it out remember to try and do something
to improve your situation and your life. Write, meditate, or dance like a fool!!!

Love and Light!

I am sorry I made you cry

When a guy says to you" I am sorry I made you cry" and hands you flowers, what exactly does that mean?
I am pretty sure it means "I am right but I am sick of you whining so here are some flowers and stop looking at me like that". That is what I think that means.
What do I know? I am the Queen of failed relationships. I do know I am sure you are sorry you made me cry, as it makes your life rather unpleasant.

I have been getting out some. Not as much as I should be, and for sure not alone. That is okay. I guess it will come in time. I am always saying one step at a time. I guess I need to take my own advice. We went to Denny's for dinner Saturday night. I did not tweak out. I usually get nervous when I am in that place, but I must be getting used to it. The Sante Fe Talapia was pretty tasty I must say. I ordered a skewer of grilled shrimp too. I forgot how much I like cocktail sauce. Yummo! I would have been happy just eating the shrimp and cocktail sauce.

Sunday we went to a car show and we were in the parade in a near by city. It was fun, we were directly behind a country band that was actually pretty kick ass. I am not really a country fan, but this was like Kid Rock approved. They played Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy, which I kind of hate that song, but they did it well. The thing of it was, all the people watching the parade and jamming, high octane amusement. Scantly clad Grandma's with boobs a jiggling, jumping up and down singing along. Dudes with big beer bellies grinding and singing along,. Little kids singing along. A lot of
fun being had by all. I really wanted to take pictures of the people, but that may have been a little creepy. I have enough issues. I don't need to be creepy.

I saw my friend Eileen on Friday, yes I just went backwards. My blog, I can do what ever the hell I want. The visits go buy way to quickly, but is was needed. So that was refreshing.

Today I did some grocery shopping. I know that is not exactly exciting but if you have been following from the beginning the point of the blog is that I am agoraphobic and sharing my quest to normal. I was with Lily, she is so frigging distracting it is hard to tweak, I mostly get annoyed. Hanging off the cart, jumping off the cart, not listening, just being Lily. I love her.

Company is here so I am going to run. Hope all is well in your world. Hope you are panic free and getting out of the house.

Love and Light.

Return to Walkerville

I know I said I was taking a break from the whole political happenings here in Wisconsin. I did mean it, I am sick of being angry all of the time. I am sick of fighting with people I love, but I talked to my friend Katie yesterday and realized that you can't just stop.

Katie is a teacher, and a really good one. She is feeling deflated and alone, she doesn't feel like anyone in her family supports her. When it comes to the Walker issue, the don't, they voted for Walker and one of her siblings our right gloated when he won the recall. I would imagine that her family was very proud of her when she got her Masters degree, now don't you think they should support her as a teacher?

It is not like she has a fancy car or even owns her own house, she is by no means a pauper but it is not like her salary permits her to live some lavish lifestyle. I do believe she should be able to at the very least buy her on home.

Katie is a very family oriented person, she spends a lot of time with her parents and her siblings.
This is yet another example of the damage that has been done by Walker. It is demolishing relationships. It is demolishing the spirit of those who spend the most awake time with our children.
I would think as parents every one would want a good education for their children. Messing with our teachers is wrong. They deserve to have collective bargaining and they deserve to have contracts.
We are messing with the wrong population here folks! What is next? Should we have push the elderly into Lake Michigan Day? Just have to find a good deep spot to insure that they sink. This of course would be based on their income, we can let the rich elderly live.

My heart broke as I spoke to Katie, as her voice was crackling, and I am pretty sure the tears were welling up. Katie doesn't do that with ME. My Dear friend Katie is feeling alone and has no support from her family. I wanted to jump into the phone and hug her and take all of her pain away.

On the last day of school for the kids, one of her Walker supporting parents walked in and said to Katie, "I may not always agree with you, but you are the best teacher".

So from Laurie Peterson(K) to Bill Powers(6) and everyone in between. From me to you. Thank You! You have touched my life and each one of you has a special place in my heart.
For Barb Nava, Tina Paschke, and Jo Anne Tully, Thank You!!! You are forever in our hearts.
Especially you Tina, you were the BEST, even if we would argue from time to time. You make a difference.

For Katie and My Sister, I love you. You are not alone. You will never be alone.

Love and Light.

Compare and Contrast Essay Friday

What a beautiful day. I have been out watering the garden already this morning. I will be getting out for a bit today. I have to go to the library for sure.
I am waiting for my coffee to get done brewing so I can set off to working on my Compare and Contrast Essay. I was going to do a paper on breastfeeding versus bottle feeding, but I am really not into it. The only reason I came up with that idea is I was sitting here brainstorming about what I could write this paper about and my brother in law came over, I see Steven and I think boobs. This is how the paper begins, based on my brother in laws love for boobs. I know, that is a stretch. I was thinking maybe I will just start the whole thing over and do the essay on my brother in laws, I am sure no one else will be doing that.
I am really not feeling this English Comp class, I realize this is online college but I feel like I am doing home school college in this class. Very minimal feedback or input from the professor at all. I can't believe some one is paid to be doing this job. I am going to complain about this after I am done with the class, I should not be paying this much for a class that no one is teaching, instructing, or offering guidance on.

Have a great weekend,
Love and Light.

ARGH...Walker

     So yesterday I went to vote, I was actually by myself for awhile as it was a long process. My stomach was in knots but I stayed. I am one of those folks who is not fond of Scott Walker. I don't want to get in a big discussion about it, I am just telling you about my yesterday. I fell asleep early so I didn't even make it to see who won the election. I knew in my heart it was going to be Walker. Our school system is going to have to tolerate mass destruction before people see that teachers should have rights and contracts. You would think that parents would want good qualified teachers, like my sister.
But enough of that. Last night my friend Sean posted about how this election really hurt a lot of friendships and families, and maybe the old saying is true, never talk about religion or politics.
Sean is right. I can't stand some people I love right now, but I guess I am with Sean. It is over for now, no more talk about it. I am sick of fighting with friends and family. Shopping is hard for me, I don't need the added stress of being annoyed by loved ones.
     Ironically on a totally different topic I have a friend named Sarah, we are just online friends but she is one of the most amazing people I know. Today on one of her video blogs she brought up the things you never talk about, which her list was religion, abortion, and politics. Yet another pretty good list, if you want to keep friends. I am really not sure what "drama" she was blogging about, Sarah is very tactful. The main purpose of her message was for people to stop being negative, and to keep your foundation strong. When I say foundation I don't literally mean foundation, like where your house is sitting. I mean your roots, your people, those who ground you and lift you up. Essentially Sarah was talking about community.That is a topic we should all think about and work on. I know it is something I have talked about in my blog before. Sarah you make me think, and you make many people think. You are an inspiration.
     My meds are still not regulated. I went to a car show/church festival with my fam on Sunday.
I got totally nervous walking any where by myself, and I started having a full blown attack in the port a potty, I had to hold it till we got home. I did walk back and forth between the festival and the car show by myself a few times, so I am trying. I need to make an appointment with Doctor Bob. I
am sure he must miss me. I am just not sure if I can make it to the appointment by myself and that is going to be a huge back slide I don't want to see.
     My NUMMY tip for the day. Vitamin Water Zero, which is ZERO calories and so very yummy.
Throw it in the freezer for awhile and it turns into a yummy slushy with no calories!!! YAY!!!

Love and Light.

Happy Memorial Day

Hello Kittens,

Remember to hug a vet today! Give thanks to those who have served our country.
It has actually been a pretty good weekend here. Yesterday we had a cookout. The kids
played in the pool and the sprinkler, the girls were rolling around in the mud, basketball was being played, people were visiting, and of course we were eating. I think everyone had a good time.
I know the kids had fun. I wish I could post some pictures to Facebook, but it won't let me.

My parents have been in South Dakota for the last week so we are all going head over to Mom and Dads for lunch today. I am looking forward to hearing about the trip and seeing them.

Hope you do something for yourself today. Try not to stress, just go have some fun. One step at a time.

Love and Light!

Relationships

Why does everything have to be so complicated? I struggle every day with the most simple of bullshit. I got nervous today while I was sitting outside of my house cooking on the grill by myself. After the day I have had you would think by myself would be a good thing.
How is it I always manage to surround myself with such bullshit? How can some one be so kind one minute to one person and so hurtful and unfeeling moments later to some one else. Why live with anger and rage all the time? Damn good question. Would you not rather feel happy, or feel something aside from being pissed off all the time? It is getting old, but if I keep cleaning house who will be left?

Hope you are all having a better day and enjoy your holiday weekend. Try and go do something fun if you are part of my agoraphobic clan, certainly every one else will be out doing something fun! Remember those who have faught for us and those who have fallen for us.

Love and Light.

Just think people!

Good Morning Kittens,

As per usual I have been neglecting you. I have been meaning to write. I actually have something totally non agoraphobic related that has been stirring around in my mind.
As you know I have been attending online classes, which is going pretty well. I am meeting all kinds of people from all over the country, I even have classes with people in the military who are stationed
every where. It is a lot of fun having the opportunity to interact with all of these fine people.

So here is my bitchy thought of the day...

WHY you name your baby THAT? I totally understand being hormonal which makes you crazy. Well it made me a little crazy, but you don't name your child Nova because the back seat of a Nova is where Mama's egg was fertilized! Do you feel me? Nova isn't even so bad, just one true example of what I personally find to be a little insane.

I went to school with a guy named Thor, fortunately for him, he was that good looking. You name your baby some thing like Thor you are giving him something he has to live up to or he will get mocked and possibly his ass whipped. Thor probably could have used an ass whooping because he was a tool, but he was hot.

Now what I find to be totally unacceptable is the fools who are naming the baby after what they like to drink. Tangueray...really???? Amaretto, what is his or her middle name going to be, Stone Sour?
Yes I know, not my business. Why do you care? I just don't think it is right. I am meeting people trying to enter a professional field, and it is not any fault of their own, but it doesn't leave a good impression.

I had a moment I hate to own up to. I was certain I was going to have a girl. I just knew it. Her name would have been Katherine after my Mom and I would have called her Katie, well Katie ended up being a boy. I had not thought of one boy name. I was randomly trying to come up with something. My husband liked Joshua, no too many Joshua's at that time. I thought maybe Edward after my Grandpa, but that is such a big name for a baby...in a moment of weakness and desperation, it really only was a moment. It was a flash in time, like 2 seconds. I thought we could name him Bailey. Not because of Irish Cream mind you, but because it rhymed with our last name. Yes every little boy needs a name that rhymes right....JEEZ! Thank goodness it was a momentary lapse and I had come to my senses. Talk about a getting your ass kicked name.

Just think about what you are doing. This little person is going to be the most important and wonderful thing in your life, so don't name them after where you conceived or after what you were drinking when you conceived. Just my opinion.

Love and Light.

Saturday Night

Hello Kittens,

Summer is just around the corner today was so flipping hot!!!I can't do the heat any more, my meds and the heat don't do well together. My face turns beet red, and I have a round face so I look like a bouncy ball from phy ed back in the day.
I didn't go out today. I didn't do much of anything. I was planning on doing that car show with Dean but he wanted to go with Sam and I wanted to give them guys time. Well, as per usual Sam bailed on him. I took a nap .I do have to get out of the house tomorrow. I have some shopping to do and I am getting a bit stir crazy. I miss the days where I could just get up and go, no thought given just grab my bag and head down town. Saturday was my downtown day back in the day. I would go to the Farmers Market and the bakery. Longing for my old self...I need to stop thinking about who I was and start embracing who I am, otherwise I am just going to spiral into a depression and just never leave my bed. Bonus, I can do school from my bed, but I don't want to go backwards. I am usually feeling a little perkier this time of year. So my fellow agoraphobics, any suggestions?


Love and Light.
One Step at a Time.

Friday Night

Hello Kittens;

It has been a long week it is almost 10:00 pm and I am shocked that I am still awake. Lily was here today, and we ran some errands. I need to get more done but she was a bit distracting which makes me twonkie and my anxiety flares up.
Number One  Nephew came over today to hang, he had a good time and did not want to go home. I like that. I like that the boys want to be here, makes me feel like I am doing something right.
Tomorrow is a car show, not sure if I will be going, might just stay home and work on home work and let it be a boys day.
I got to sit and visit with my baby sister tonight, we got in bakery mode. My fault I brought it up. Can an agoraphobic girl and her sister open a bakery??? School is certainly giving me a kick in the ass seeing possibilities again, Reminding me of who I once was and what I am capable of.
It doesn't matter how old you are or what your limitations are you can still dream and you can still have goals. Even if they are baby steps, put them on paper so you can hold yourself accountable and see what you can make happen. You can still make things happen.

One step at a time.
Love and Light.

Quicky

Hello Kittens,

What a beautiful day! I have been a busy girl. I had a beautiful Mother's Day. It is always wonderful spending time with the family. Monday my Son went up north with Grandpa, so I miss him terribly.
I really do. At least I have school and some library books to keep my mind busy. Today my friend Annie is coming over for a visit and bringing her little man Lennon, and one of my nephews is coming over after school. I don't think I will be doing any out of my safe zone activities today, but I have been. I had to run several errands yesterday. What I should be doing is cleaning my house, burning some calories and being productive all at once. This is important too, this is my soul food. Where I can unload all of my crazy episodes and feelings.

Are you doing any thing to fill your soul and charge your battery?
Love and Light!

Natasha goes smash

Hello Kittens,

In my last posting I was going to draw into my inner Natasha and walk over to my fav coffee venue and get myself a latte. As I was rushing from my work area to the living room I apparently thought I could walk directly into a wall, well it wasn't the wall, it was actually the grated vent that sticks out of the wall in my hall way. My little toe is still all purple, blue, and swollen, so no coffee for me.
Yesterday I was feeling a bit better and had some errands to run, so I did leave the house. I even stopped at a rummage sale. It was my idea and everything. I must of hurt my head when I injured my toe.
Today I want to pick up some flowers for my Mom. Tomorrow is Mother's Day people. Make sure we have done our Mom shopping! The Mom love has already begun in my house. My son has been trying to gift me all week. Which is typical, he is a great kid. I rented The Vow yesterday, I kind of love Rachel McAdams, my son watched it with me because it is Mother's Day weekend. Now that is some love. That is like asking a teenage boy to watch a Nicholas Sparks marathon, or a Lifetime movie. I didn't ask him to watch it with me, he just did.
Tomorrow we are going to my Mom's for Mother's Day. My sister is making quiche and french toast bake, don't ask me what that is. I really don't know. I hear it is very yummy.

Try to go out and do something you enjoy. One step at a time.
Love and Light.

Throw down the hammer

Hello Kittens,

"And there came a day, a day unlike any other... when Earth's mightiest heroes found themselves united against a common threat... to fight the foes no single superhero could withstand... on that day, The Avengers were born..."
So I took the kid to see The Avengers....YAY. Yes it was on a Wednesday at 11:00 am so that may make me seem less fierce. It still took 4 of Mommies special pills to get me in the door. Yes people actually go to the movie at 11:00 am. I have discovered Bistro Seating. I am not really sure how I feel about it. I like the concept, a server could bring me alcohol right to my comfy seat. It seemed pretty cool.
Smelling every ones food, not so great. I was getting the munchies in a big way. The movie was excellent, as I knew it would be. My favorite super hero is Captain America. I didn't even know about him till the movie came out last year, I think it was last year. Captain America is the true American hero. He wanted to be able to fight for his country, and fight for what was right and moral...AND he doesn't like bullies. I love Robert Downey Jr. and Tony Stark. I watch all the action/super hero movies as I am the Mom of a boy child, I have been anticipating the Avengers and it was a great marriage of the characters. I actually have to do a shout out to Mark Ruffalo and the amazing team behind the Hulk. I really was not crazy about the Hulk movies solo as I was raised in the tv watching Bill Bixby Hulk era. Comic Hulk and Bill Bixby Hulk or totally not the same thing. This movie brought it. Team Hulk brought Ruffalos face and expressions to the big green guy. Well done! Hulk SMASH!
I also love Stan Lee's cameo's. The man who makes little boys dreams come true.
I think today I am going to tap into my inner Natasha Romanoff/the Black Widow today, and venture out for some coffee.

Love and Light



So I feel guilty....
Thor you are a very pretty god.
Hawkeye I am still not exactly sure who the hell you are, but well done.

Stormy Sunday

Good Morning!

The sky is turning dark and is grumbling, the storm is about to begin. I love thunder storms. I love the rain! I love every crackling sound.

As it turns out I am supposed to be at a car show right now. I did not go because I have to work on my paper for PSY202. I am pretty sure that is why I did not go. I really have not left the house at all this weekend. Agoraphobically speaking that is bad. I probably should have gone to the car show.

Yesterday I did have some fun. My friend Karla came over for retro tv(BJ and the Bear) and snacks.
It was great seeing her. We have known each other since middle school and she is by far one of the best people I know. She only lives on the other side of town. I need to try and get together with her more often.

Last night after Karla left I still needed to get my work out in so I did some aerobics, it was a good thing! Exercise is a great way to relieve stress and I burned some calories. It was probably the best work out since I have gotten out of the hospital, which means I am getting better. YAY ME!!!

I am going to go and enjoy this storm and get back to my paper.

Love and Light!
One step at a time!

Friday

Happy Friday!!

Any exciting plans this weekend? The Avengers is out this weekend and I would so love to take my kiddo but me on the opening weekend at the movie theater...probably not going to happen. Today we are taking Lily to Mr. G's farm so she can ride for awhile, she is excited.
Yesterday I (insert drum roll) went into Wal Mart by myself again!!! YAY me!!!
Have a safe and fun weekend. One step at a time.

Love and Light

Checking in...

Hello to you in my blogoshere,

Yes I am a bad little blogger, MIA again. Since my surgery I have been having such a hard time getting my meds regulated again. I am having a really hard time swallowing and keeping anything down, which might be okay if I were seeing some rapid weight loss or had the sudden ability to levitate or something cool, but no. Without my head meds being consistent I feel like I am spiraling backwards. Kind of why I have been MIA. I don't want to report that. I can't make it whimsical. I can't make it fun. Everything is just is a great big ball of suck right now. Last weekend for example, Lily wanted to go around the block on her bike, we got to the end of the street and I felt my chest tightening up, almost like the air was being sucked right out of my lungs. I had to tell her I didn't feel good and we had to head back, this does not go over well with a 4 year old. I tried a bit later to go with her in the other direction, which is usually a pretty safe direction, it was the way I took to physical therapy and my other hospital appointments, same thing. FRUSTRATING!
I have been working on a paper for school, it is a self reflection paper and you were given example questions you can use in the paper. One of the questions was how can you contribute to your community or to the world in the future, which got me to thinking about you. My other people who are afraid to leave the house, that send me private little messages. The people who read my blog for some kind of solace in our sameness. This is something I need to do, just because I am not in a good place right now doesn't mean I should not be posting. I guess even the more reason to post.
I have not really gone any where by myself, but I have been leaving with a safe person, so that is something. Hopefully I get my meds back under control and I start moving forward again, summer is coming and I want to have some fun.
Just remember don't give up, and just take one step at a time.

Love and Light

Still on the mend

Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since I had my surgery. I feel like I should be moving around a little better. Everything is healing up well, at least on the outside. I can't see the inside. I am still not really able to hold much of anything down, yes I do have a tendency to share a little bit too much, but that is me.

I ran some errands today and did some laundry. I just feel like I could fall over. I have a paper I need to work on but this seemed much more entertaining for now. I will get to the paper eventually.

ARGH, the wireless is out again. I need to call Time Warner AGAIN!!!!It would be so awesome to have a service provider that was overpriced and WORKED! It isn't the thorn in my side but I have to listen to Dean whine and whine and whine. It really isn't a whine, it is usually a really loud bitch and that is what pisses me off. I must run for now. Remind me to tell you about Deans eye next time.

Love and Light!

He has Risen...and me too.

Hello to all in my random blogoshpere!

I know it has been way too long. Happy Easter/Ostara, which ever way you swing. I have been MIA as I had to have a surgical procedure and I am just finally starting to not feel like hamburger meat. Yes it was like a mandatory type procedure not some fluffy bullshit procedure like a boob job. I wouldn't do that. Grant you I miss my pre baby boobies, they rocked! I am just really not about surgery. I don't like leaving the house let alone spending multiple days in the hospital. My meds are all crazy messed up, my headmeds, which this is never a good thing!
I am still managing school, I find myself to be particularly existential while on pain meds. MUWAHA, I hate that word, shout out to Robbie <3
Surgery always freaks me out because of anesthetics, like I am afraid I will actually be awake during the procedure and they won't know it and I will feel it. I realize this is not really going to happen in this day and age, but I am a bit whacko you know. I also have that fear of death. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of what would happen to my kid if I died. So I must live long and prosper and all that jazz.
It is a refreshing change not writing in APA format or using proper sentence structure or grammar.
I think it is time for me to wander off to bed, my at home recovery room.

Hope all is beautiful in your world!
Love and Light.

Busy busy

Hello Friends:

So sorry that I have been neglecting you. School has been keeping me really busy. Did I mention I have Yoda in my class? Not literally Yoda but this guy is so smart and articulate and makes me feel like a moron. He doesn't try to make me feel like a dumbass, he is just brilliant. I am actually not sure if he is aware of it. I have a strong desire to call him Yoda but that just really would not be appropriate, and this is one of those moments in my life where I actually have to be appropriate. I must behave myself. I am actually doing really go so far, knock on wood. My grades have been perfect so maybe when all is said and done I just might be a Jedi Master too.

I have been leaving the house every day, as per Doctor Bob's orders. It might just be going to the pharmacy, but I am going.

I hope all is well with you.
Love and Light

OMG...what have I done?

Hello Friends:

Yesterday I actually got to take a sneak peek at my course work. I did mention I was attempting to obtain my degree online, right? I mean that is how the sensible agoraphobic would do it, right? Online...what the hell was I thinking? I was looking over what I thought were the things we were covering in upcoming weeks. WRONG...lets try this week. Again I would like to say WHAT WAS I THINKING!

Joy oh Joy, it is so amazing how important you are and how everyone needs you when you are busy.
The people in the house are old enough to make food and should be able to entertain themselves briefly, right? Normally one is glued to his video games and one is glued to some B rated crap on Sci Fi. My child(the gamer) wants to know if he can "help me". Okay realistically when I have to any form of math
 I am going to be trying to pay him to do my home work. For now, go do your own home work. No I don't know what you can eat. Yes you can read in here. I love you too. You want to hug me? I had to send the other one outside to play and he is 45.

So I am a little terrified. Here I say what I want to say. It is my blog. If you don't like my grammar, who the hell cares. I have to friggen use punctuation AGAIN. On purpose and properly. I hate that.

Icing on the cake is when the 45 year old and my Mom were bantering back and forth
"How are you going to skip out from your house?"
"I am going to drop her off at the front door and she is going to walk out of the back."
Banter continues.

I realize this is all in fun. I realize every one loves me and I love every one.
This is why, well one of the reasons I am going to get a degree.
I am not stupid. I am not a fuck up. I CAN do this. I am just really friggen scared right now.

It is simply BEAUTIFUL outside. I am going to sign off for now and try and enjoy some of this weather!

Love and Light

MM

Shout out to Hungary

Such an eclectic group of readers. I have to give my shout out to Hungary,as you are my people too!

I am pretty sure I mentioned I had "applied" to be a part of a group at UWM that is trying to study/cure people with social phobias. Epic FAIL. I am not socially awkward "enough".  I am not sure if this is good or bad, but I will admit it does actually feel pretty good. I am just basically afraid to leave the house. Agoraphobic. They are looking for people who are afraid of people and social settings. After talking to this women very briefly I knew I was not what she was looking for. I am the person that talks to strangers in the grocery store. I am the person who bonds with the staff at the hospital. Heck I had a meeting to go to, and I switched seats to sit by a man who looked like my fake daughters dad. If I have to be out of the house might as well seek comfort from sitting by a man that looks like Stan. Yes when I go some where my heart pounds, I start to shake, I get dizzy, and all kinds of other "wonderment's" but it is not from an underlying fear of people.

Are you still scratching your head and wondering what a fake daughter is? Once upon a time I worked with this gal who had 2 simply amazing beautiful little girls. I have had the privilege to watch them grow up. They watched my son for me when he was little and now I get to watch them be Mommy's.
When Annie stayed with me for a little tiny bit(way too little and tiny) I think she came up with being my fake daughter. It kind of stuck. I kind of like it.

I have been leaving the house almost every day. It has been a work in progress. Some days it is really hard. Some places are really hard. You just got to keep on trying!

Love and Light!




MM

Shout out to Romania!

Good Morning and a happy Friday to you.
I have a Romanian reader.
You are my people.
I am guessing this is going to be my weekend excitement.

I have my Lily today, it is Friday.
She is a little bit "grounded" today. So Mommy asked me not to do anything fun outside of the house.
Really this is not a cop out.
I follow Mommy's rules. I think that is very important.

According to the weather we are supposed to be having some huge snow storm today/tonight.
Gross. This just gives me more of a reason to climb back under my rock.
I was really trying to get back on track.

One of my friends from middle school/high school is going to come and hang out with me tonight.
I am really looking forward to that.Hopefully the snow doesn't put a damper on that.


I need to run. Lily needs me.

Here are a couple new phobias to ponder:

1. Selenophobia: Selenophobia is the term for the fear of the moon.
2. Asymmetriphobia: If you’re afraid of mismatched socks or asymmetrical objects, you have asymmetriphobia.
3. Aurophobia: Most people would be ecstatic to have the chance to find gold, but people who suffer from aurophobia are petrified of it.
4. Ereuthophobia: The fear of red lights is called ereuthophobia.
5. Genuphobia: Knees can cause great irritation and fear in people with genuphobia.
6. Automatonophobia: The fear of human-like figures, like dummies or wax figures, is called automatonophobia.
7. Atephobia: Visiting ancient Greek or Roman ruins would be a nightmare for those with atephobia, or the fear of ruins and old buildings.
8. Aulophobia: Aulophobia refers to the fear of flutes.
9. Dextrophobia: People with this phobia do not like having objects situated to their right.
10. Linonophobia: Though it’s useful, string is the cause of anxiety for people with linonophobia.
11. Papyrophobia: Paper is the cause of great anxiety and even fear in people who suffer from papyrophobia.
12. Domatophobia: One wonders where people with this phobia — the fear of houses and being inside houses — live.

These were taken from nursingdegree.org. Kind of interesting! I am not sure if the links will transfer over, but lots of interesting stuff to read!

Love and Light!

MM

Checking in

I have been out and about the last several days.
I saw Doctor Bob yesterday and he reminded me I need to get back on track.
I reminded him I don't do well in the winter months.

Today the store was out of The Help on DVD AGAIN. Red Box didn't have it either.
It is like a conspiracy. The book was so good. I knew I wanted to see the movie.
If I were a normal functioning gal I would have seen it when it came out.
I have had it on my Netflix list since before it came out.
I guess if this is the worst of today's problems I am not doing too bad.

I went to 4 places today. That is really good for me.
Number 3 was Goodwill. I wasn't doing great in Goodwill. It was really busy. People were very pushy. Normally I would have just bailed but I maintained. The fact that I made it to the Family Dollar after, is simply amazing. Once I start anxiety-ing. I am usually done.

I have my OFFICIAL acceptance letter  from Ashford University.
I can't wait till my classes start.

The phobia of the day is coulrophobia, the fear of clowns.
That came from Answers.com.

Love and Light!
Happy 12th Birthday to my Dear friend Eileen.
Love You!



MM

Today sucked

It was a long and dramatic day.

I managed to go in and see Maggie for our last appointment.
I didn't chicken out.
I did cry all the way home.
Yes I am sure the cyber world is sick of hearing about the horrible loss of my physical therapist,
as is every one here in real life.
Safe person just informed me my eyes look like they are bleeding and the bags underneath of  them look like Pontiac hood ornaments. I am pretty sure that is not a good thing.

My lunatic 2nd cousin is stalking me, and my Mom. She would be the dramatic part of the day.
We have been pretty much rid of her for the last 15 years, but damn me. I friend her daughter on Facebook and here comes chaos. No fair!!! Pretty sure Mom and the sisters might pinch me really hard
because I made the lunatic 2nd cousin re-appear. Damn me!

This brings me to the phobia of the day FAMAPHOBIA=Fear of family!
That one came from answers.com.

Love and Light.

Sunday Night

Here I sit armed with my Girl Scout cookies.
I spent my day over at my Mom and Dads.
It was a lovely day.
I keep thinking about tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my last appointment with Maggie.
I am not even stressing over having surgery on my arm.
I am just really contemplating cancelling my appointment so I don't have to say good bye.
It is a real deal goodbye. I guess it is a good thing I have an appoinment with Doctor Bob on Tuesday.
I don't want to say goodbye and I am pretty sure I am going to walk out of that office in tears.
At least today was nice.

Big changes in the air for me.
I have applied for my FASFA and I think I am finally going to do it.
If I would have started the process when the agoraphobia began I would have my Masters by now.
I am thinking Applied Behavioral Science.
Crazy Person Heal Thy Self!!!

Really, if you are reading this because you are like me...
If you have agoraphobia. If you have severe panic disorder.
Can you do something to move forward?
This blog started it for me.
I have gotten e mails saying I get you!
I feel you!
Your Son will be okay!
You could have took the words right out of my mouth...

I did something with this.
I made some one feel not alone.
All I wanted to do was to be able to reach one person, and I have.
I want to keep moving forward. I am sick of running on my never ending hampster wheel.
I want to be able to show my Son at least I am trying.

If you are reading this and you are like me.
Don't give up!
Keep moving one step at a time.

Love and Light.

Safe Person

So Safe Person had a big old bump removed and it is skin cancer.
Not the really bad skin cancer.
Not the you will live skin cancer.
The one in the middle.
I don't exactly know what this means.
The icing on this cake is he has no insurance and no means to pay for the specialist or the surgery.
Yes...I am about to make this about me.
HE is not allowed to fall apart.
He is not allowed to be broken.
He is my rock.
He is my friend.
He is a really good guy.
God/dess, Higher Power...Whom ever.
I am REALLY starting to have issues with you.
"Everything happens for a reason."
"It is in HIS plan."
"He/She has gone to a better place."
I would really like to not be angry with you right now. I like Easter.
Foot prints my ass.
ENOUGH!!!!!
PLEASE.
I guess I need to watch a Kevin Smith movie and obtain some perspective.
Yes I know I am being offensive.


I didn't leave the house today. It snowed and I had Lily.
Lily is my best friend.
She is 4.
Go figure.
We played outside.
We played with make up.
We did mani/pedi.
She is my special weekly therapy.

Have a good weekend!
Love and Light.

Nomophobia

Nomophobia is the fear of losing your cell phone!!! This was on the news this morning.
Cell phone phobia.This Girl is clear of that one. I could pretty much live without a phone.
I do carry one in the event of an emergency or a melt down, but I hardly ever actually use it.
It is nice just in case. I did however text my sister last night to say "Good night Honey boo boo."
That was pretty important.

Today I want to address my political burn out. The state of our country is a mess. I am from Wisconsin home of Governor Scott Walker. I am just sick sick sick of it! I am not going to use this as a political forum. I really don't have the energy but yesterday I found out something new and disturbing to me.

Now the Girl Scouts are bad!!! I have ordered 45.00 worth of cookies from my niece and the Girl Scouts are bad. Do you know why? I guess that the Girl Scouts support Planned Parenthood and homosexuality!!!

When I was a Girl Scout we went camping, we did badge work(I still have my sash) and it is just a really good organization. I am pretty sure it still is. Girl Scouts teaches team work, strength and being charitable. Some one comments to me "It's not Christian like it once was." It is not church. It is Girl Scouts.

Basically Planned Parenthood provides health care to females who need it. That is pretty heinous.

As for the issue of Girl Scouts supporting homosexuality. You know what, it is a whole new world out here. I can't say that I understand all of it. I can't say that I agree with all of it. I can say this. As a Mother no matter what or how my child was born I would and will love him ALWAYS. I would hope all parents would feel like that. Sadly this is not the case. People disown and toss a way a child they have given birth to parented and raised and that is simply FUCKED UP!
God does not "cure" gay (or agoraphobia).

I really don't know fact or fiction any more.
I stand by the Girl Scouts.
I stand by love and kindness.
I stand by not being bullied.

Really???  Come one People!
LOVE ONE ANOTHER!

Jesus said, "Let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the Kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
He placed his hands on them and then went away.

That is from the Bible not a Kevin Smith movie.
Now I am going to go enjoy a Thin Mint.

Love and Enlightenment.

Switch it up...

Today I went with my Safe Person to HIS doctor's appointment.
It was my turn to sit and wait for him.
He may or may  not regret this activity.
This was  my "home turf". He was seeing my Doctor.
Being that we are in a place I feel safe I am pretty much acting like a well behaved child.
I grab my cup of coffee and banter with the office staff.
Safe Person looks at me weird because we here in the blogoshere know I have odd relationships with my professional peeps.
I told him to lighten up, people find me amusing!
He is in the office forever. A more functional person probably would have gone and enjoyed the strip mall. I sat in the office and drank my free coffee. Jammed to the tunes.Talked to the receptionist.
All and all not a bad day.
I was thinking the down side of this was the fact that I was not going to be able to actually see my Doctor, he is the dreamy dude in the stethoscope,that would have been like going to the bakery and only looking at the chocolate cake.
 BUT I did see him!
He came out and got some coffee and we chatted for a bit. YAY!!!
Maybe this will be how I switch it up a bit.
Escort my Safe Person where he needs to go.
I asked him if he wanted me to go in with him, if he was scared.
He looked at me like I was on drugs.
I guess it was just an extra little push out the door.
Fair is fair.
I will gladly sit in the waiting room with him any time.


Love and Light

Saturday

One of my very good friends and former Safe People came for a visit today.
The only reason she is not officially a Safe Person is because we live too far a part now.
I could still go any where with her, probably even Wal Mart.  Perhaps the mall. I can safely say that because she hates the mall!
It was a much needed visit.

Before she got here I started my anxiety-ing.
I had the wrong buns.
I had the wrong mustard.
Which is just stupid.
I never bought this kind of roast before. It seemed a little funky.
Probably not funky good. I don't know.
Just being stupid.
Just so sick of the voice of the crazy person in my head that is me.

Calmed down when she arrived but took a bit.
Just stupid.
Shared so many secrets and moments with her.
Is she really traveling 2 hours for buns and mustard?
Of course not.
She is traveling 2 hours to see me.


She brings me solace.
She feeds my soul.
She eats my funky roast and smiles.
That is love.
Thank You.


On a side note, because it was fun. Here are some phobias for the day!
People- Anthropophobia.
People in general or society- Sociophobia.
Poetry- Metrophobia.

A fear of poetry, very interesting! That is kind of like not knowing what a dryer sheet is.
 I got those from phobia list.com.

Hope you are having an anxiety free weekend!
Stay away from the asparagus.
Love and Light.

What is magnesium?

Yesterday I was browsing the net in search of some form of healing/therapy... something.
It still boils down to exposure therapy. Just doing it!

However I did come upon the most interesting site ever! Wise GEEK clear answers for common questions.  Have you ever seen it?
-What is a cord of wood?
-What is lamp oil?
-What is a convection oven?
(I have to admit this made me feel pretty good about myself)
-What are dryer sheets?
(Yes, really.)
-What is magnesium?
(Okay, maybe this would have been useful when I was still in school?)
-What is a kite?
(This was someone not allotted a childhood I am guessing)

Yes I am an agoraphobic person. I work my program on most days. For me this means leaving the house. Today for example I went to Denny's for breakfast with a friend. Once upon a time I LOVED going out for breakfast (that was before I had a fear of the Wal Mart) now I go because I am supposed to and I sit and pick at my food and feel nauseated because I am at a restaurant. You would think at the very least this would help with the waist line.

I saw some interesting things on Wise GEEK clear answers for common questions.
I have no idea how accurate any of this information actually is but it is called wise geek and we all know geeks are really smart!

Did you know:
a fear of animals is zooaphobia
a fear of water is hydrophobia
a fear of flying is aviophobia
a fear of needles is trypanophobia
and the winner is (insert drum roll here)
a fear of asparagus is spargarphobia

To any one suffering from spargarphobia I will trade you!!!! Totally! I love asparagus but I would much rather have an irrational fear of asparagus. I could deal with that. I would miss it greatly but I would much rather be able to leave the house without getting sick to my stomach. I would much rather be able to take my kid to Summerfest. I would give up asparagus in a heart beat!

If you suffer from this disorder I apologize sincerely if you feel like I might be mocking you just a little bit.

Happy Weekend!
Love and Light!

Karmic b@#$h slap

First let me start out by saying, this may be offensive.

Serendipity:" When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta to wake up."                                                                        
                                                        Taken from the movie Dogma written by Kevin Smith

I would have to agree with this. I would have to agree with a lot of things out of Dogma. Nothing written by Kevin Smith is for "delicate" people. He is raunchy, hardcore, and I love him.  (Sadness, part of this whole agoraphobic mess made it impossible for me to see Jay and Bob Get Old when they were in town. I sure wanted to go! Maybe some day....The story of my life.)


Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier...

                                                                         Again...borrowed from the movie Dogma
                                                                                 Written by Kevin Smith

So basically my religous beliefs can be found in a Kevin Smith movie. A little bit frightening, maybe.
Does karma fit into all of this?

I keep thinking about Lexi and I have come to 2 conclusion. God hates Mary or Mary was somone really evil in her past life. I had to look up really evil women.

Belle Gunness was a really evil woman. She was born in 1859 and died in 1931. She was one of Americas most degenerate and "productive" serial killers. I didn't use productive, it said that in my research. It is likely she killed both of her husbands and all of her children. It is certain she murdered most of her suitors, boyfriends and 2 of her daughters. Nasty girl!

Ilse Koch 1906-1967(if karmic turn around time is quick this would be the more appropriate option)
Married to Karl Koch commandant of the concentration camps of Buchenwald from 1937-1941 and Majchanek from 1941-1943. Her old man wasn't just a tool. She reveled in torture and obsenity. It is said that she "collected" the tattoos off of prisoners. Think about that for a moment. Yup.

Why do I feel like Mary has been cursed by God or Karma, maybe both? Her life. Her Mom died from cancer and was sick for a really long time. Her Dad died of cancer. Her husband died of cancer(watch out hubby number 2). Grandma and Grandpa~poof. Yes for real. I am not making this up.
Now her one and only child has an inoperable brain tumor. That is messed up. Mary brought this up when her first husband got sick and I dismissed it. I also didn't find it possible that he would die, how could so many people in one persons life be cursed with this disease? NOT possible. I thought for sure he would make it. I was wrong, maybe something is to be said for her theory. Really this is her theory, but now I am buying into it. Lexi, not Lexi. So I ask of you, if you have taken the time to read this. Say a prayer,send out healing energy do what you do. Please.

I guess this didn't end up being as offensive as I thought it would be. We can save that for another day! You probably think I am twisted at this point. I can live with that.

Peace and Love.

Happy Valentines Day!!

Recovering from yesterdays melt down.

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day. It appears that people actually show up here to read my words. People I don't even know. People who live in Russia and Germany. So I hope you have a special day!

Sunday I went to my Mom's house and had a beautiful day with my family. Hugs and kisses from my niece and nephews. My niece even told me she missed me! Visiting with my sisters, it felt good.

Today I hung with my boys. Flowers and all kinds of special treats. I may not be very good at leaving my house but I am loved.  So are YOU. We are all special and unique! Just remember to keep trying to walk out the door! One step at a time.

Love and Light

Anxiety-ing

Anxiety-ing full throttle. I don't really like the term panic attack. It seems wrong. I have expressed this to Doctor Bob and he gets what I am saying, but it is not like he can change medical terminology.

The day is progressing and feeling more and more life a very sad REM video. Everybody hurts some time.Yup.

I am going to start out with Maggie is transferring. I knew our relationship would be wrapping up pretty quick but I wasn't really prepared for NOW. No possibility of her doing the after care from my surgery. Just no more Maggie. I think I have like 2 appointments and she is gone. Really I know it sounds semi dysfunctional to be grieving the loss of my physical therapist. I can't help it. I am going to miss her so much.

Just trying to get through the day.

I was sitting in the parking lot of Menards with Safe person. I just couldn't deal with Menards today. I am sitting thinking about my goddaughter Lexi. I have watched that little girl grow up (for the most part). Beautiful baby. Sweet toddler. Smartest 2 year old. Pain in the ass teenager. HUGE pain in the ass. Makes teenage me look angelic. Now she is a beautiful young woman just starting in life. She has a brain tumor.

Safe person is in Menards and I am glad. I just can't take any more today. Suddenly "My Hero" by the Foo Fighters comes on. I am now sobbing in the parking lot of Menards.

"Too alarming to talk about
Take your pictures down
and shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it out loud
Use that evidence race it around

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero...."

Yes I am officially having a meltdown. That song takes me back about 10 years to a time where I felt like everything around me was crumbling down. Where I felt like I couldn't breath and I have never really been the same.

At home now. Don't even feel any calm here. I am not supposed to be anxiety-ing in my kitchen.
Here I sit. Breath in breath out. Wait for the calm to come...

Peace and Love

Meditation

Meditation can be a tricky thing for me. I can't do guided meditation. I don't do group meditation. Generally I can't turn my head off.

I finally got an ipod for Christmas. My thought process was this could calm me when I am going some where or sitting in a waiting room. Not so much, I don't like not being able to hear what is around me or behind me. I downloaded a bunch of my favorite stuff. Things from my "Life Soundtrack". It amazes me that not everyone gets that. I would think EVERYONE would have a life soundtrack. People who say they don't really like music either. I don't get that. How can you not like music?

Normally when meditating I listen to something earthy. Some thing new age. Something spiritual.
Drum Sex is a great CD. I don't remember who did it, but when my friend Eileen reads this she can tell you in the comment section! It really puts you in the zone. Makes you want to move. Clears your head!
Another really amazing option, actually just released today is Tapestry by Nicole La Roche. You listen to that and it is like smoking some thing righteous without actually having any herb. No I don't do that NOW but I was a teenager once!

I have been using the Life Sound track for my meditations lately and it has been the most effective meditation I have had recently. I say most effective because I don't just end the session relaxed it takes me to that happy place. I am done and I am happy.

I have been collecting songs in my head as long as I can remember. My Grandpa would watch Fritz the Plumber when I was little. So I have a certain fondness for polkas. I remember being in the car with my Mom and her belting out Piece of my Heart by Janis Joplin or White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane. I thought my Mom could sing like Cher. My Dad, the Beach Boys. If I hear the Eurythmics, that is Heather. When my Son was little....too many songs to list! So I have been making a point to lay down in bed every night and listen to some of the music from my life soundtrack. Happy times. Happy memories. People I love. It puts me in a good place. You might want to try it!

My agoraphobic self did go out today and ran some errands with the beloved safe person. I think I will spend the rest of the day at home. It snowed yesterday and it is so cold out! I have already been asked to make home made popcorn, NOT the kind from the microwave! Movie night perhaps.

Happy Saturday!
Love and Light

Rancid Meat

The day starts with me running very late.

I have been trying to get back in the habit of wearing make up every day. Full face, not just eyes and gloss. The full "bondo". Why? It makes me feel better.
I feel that I appear less old. I do possess a certain amount of vanity. I'll own that.

Still running late. I need to get to Doctor Feelgoods office(orthopedic doctor) for my cortisone shot.Rotator cuff injury~ARGH. Doctor Feelgood in VERY masterful with a syringe. Being a diabetic I get poked a lot, so I am a really good judge of this. An expert perhaps.

No time for make up. Hair wet and pulled back in some freaky retro 80's pony tail with 3 sprouts sticking out.Rotator cuff injuries make it impossible  to make a normal pony tail. (DAMN, I don't even have a normal pony tail!)

Safety person informs me the new body spray I just bought smells like rancid meat. He is right. I thought it smelled kind of weird.

My pony tail wearing,rancid meat smelling self is sitting in the waiting room wondering if everyone thinks my body spray smells like rancid meat. At least this gives me something new and unusual to worry about.

After my appointment I have to go home and do something with my hair and the body spray issue. Hair and make up done. Getting some things done. Maggie time! I walk over to the office feeling pretty good. Some one in the waiting room asks me what I am wearing. Woo hoo I smell good again. Thanks to my trusted bottle of Shania.

When you get to this place of alone in your head that comes with the agoraphobia and depression I sometime find myself crossing boundaries.

It is NEVER appropriate to call your physical therapist a beast because she got to go to The Black Keys and your crazy ass didn't. Crossing boundaries. She is my physical therapist not my buddy.In my real life I use beast a lot. It can be good and it can be bad, in this case it was bad. Whatever the case she is my physical therapist. I forget this sometimes. I am sorry Maggie!

Crossing boundaries, joining in conversations in the waiting room. Giving my unsolicited advice in the grocery store. I HAD to tell the guy  not to buy the  cheap 2.00  can of  coffee.  It was gross I bought it myself. He should appreciate this information, right?

Yes I am agoraphobic and maybe a little creepy!
Peace and Love.

Damn you Drew Barrymore.

So it is Saturday night, here I am.
 Tonight's topic, romantic comedies. I love romantic comedies. I love Drew Barrymore. I loved When Harry Met Sally, until MY Harry ran off with a 23 year old named Janette. Please note I realize Drew was not Sally, Meg Ryan was Sally....and damn her too.
I am a junkie. I loved 50 First Dates. I just watched Going the Distance with Drew Barrymore and Justin Long.

The theme in these romantic comedies is you hook up with your best friend. Who may or may not be an attractive but always funny person of the opposite sex. I am pretty sure this is crap. I would actually like to hear some other peoples opinions on it.
 I would have to say that 75% of my friends are not in a happy relationship, or at least it appears that way, due to the way they speak about that significant other.

 It is like life sets us up from beginning to end.

When we are little girls we have our fairy tales, when I was a kid the Prince ALWAYS came to save the Princess.  Thankfully now a days, a Princess does not always need a Prince to come and save her!
Fiona changed it all and the Immigrant Song will never be the same!

Seriously, Happily Ever After?
I want it.
Strive for it.
Who has it?

Are my parents happily ever after? They have been together for 40 plus years. They seem to like hanging out together. They kiss and hold hands. My son once told me they are his role models for what a relationship is supposed to be. What love is supposed to be. Good choice. I certainly have not provided that for him.

Happily Ever After.....Damn that sounds good!
Peace and Love

The "science" of Earl Hickey

"You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner: karma. That is when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and one by one I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Earl."

This is taken from the show My name is Earl. This show brought the concept of karma to every man.
Well, every man who tuned in.

Earl is afraid of flying, needles, and possible attacks from alligators in the sewer when he uses the toilet.

I feel as if Earl and I are kindred spirits.

During my wild trip to insanity I have tried just about everything to be better, to be normal. I will save that for another day.

 In the process of healing and recovery karma is something you might just stumble upon.

In the most simple form karma is the chain of cause and effect. I look at life and ask myself, how bad was I really? If you want to get really technical or new age, how bad was I in my past life/s?

When I was much younger my husband told me I had a drinking problem. I went to treatment and had 5 years of sobriety and realized I didn't really have a drinking problem, I had a husband problem.

Treatment and AA are both wonderful experiences. When you are in inpatient treatment for addiction you have to sit down and face your reality. You have to own it.(Well, if you want it to work) You sit in a group of strangers and strip your soul down to complete exposure. Part of working a 12 step program is making amends. I have made my amends. This is what Earl is doing too,basically
making amends.

I look at myself today and wonder has karma brought me here? I have made amends to many people. Who did I leave out?

I live with very few regrets. The thing I probably regret the most is not being a better sister. If you know adult me I am sure you are saying how is that possible, you are so wonderful!
I wasn't a wonderful sister. I was probably a pretty heinous sister. I don't think it really phases my youngest sister, she had a pretty great big sister.

So in the science of Earl Hickey...

Dear Heather,

You deserved so much better. I am sorry I yelled at you. I am sorry I didn't play with you. I wish I would have been a better role model. I wish I would have gone to Hadfield and kicked that bullies ass, because I should have! I wish I would have given you the red balloon(which is why I handed you one last year before you left my Halloween party). This is it, this is the one thing if I could go back and change I would. I hate that I can't change it or fix it. I hate that I am one person you should have been able to count on and all I was is one giant disappointment.
Please know I love you with all of my heart and I am so very proud of you!

Love,
L

I am pretty sure Earl Hickey is not going to cure my agoraphobia.
Peace and Love

Chaos

We have touched on the topic of OCD. One of my "things" before I leave the house. I have to check the stove(even if I have not cooked). I have to check all of my candles to make sure none are lit. Coffee pot off...you get the picture.

Today I am running late for my Maggie appointment. By late that means I am actually on time because I ALWAYS have to be 15 minutes early for my appointments, just in case.Why am I running late? I have spent the morning on the phone with the insurance company. Really, does this just ever go well for any one? Does any one hang up cheerful after talking to the insurance company?

I am feeling pretty good on the way to the office. I get in the elevator and realize I have no glasses. Yeah that's right, I got all the way to the hospital not seeing. Well, this starts to trigger me. What else didn't I do? My Maggie time is shared with a student. I love strange people watching me when I look like I am in labor. Yeah, that's what it looks like when she is all bending me and twisting me, LABOR, giving birth. AWESOME.

My blurry eyed self got home, The coffee pot was on. The heating pad was  on. The door was unlocked.
I might as well had a bon fire in my living room.

End result. I lived. Nothing bad happened.

Tonight I also wanted to touch on my safe person. The one I have been kind of making sound like an ass. He really isn't. Again, if you follow my blog I am coming from a place of frustration. "Baby sitter" is actually a really good guy. He has been protecting me since before I needed protecting.
This is a man I left standing in line at Wal Mart  with my purse and my tampons while I had a melt down and ran out the door. This is the man who STAYED in line at the Wal Mart with my tampons and purse and paid for them and met me outside. That's a good guy.

Peace and Love

Feeling a little too agoraphobic

I did my out of the house thing today. Yay me!

I am still feeling growly or owly or something. I guess hormonal will work.
Heavy day but my night ended with laughs.
I say to "baby sitter", " I have never been to 7 Mile Fair I would really like to go."
He responds,"You can't handle Wal Mart" (laughs)
This is becoming an issue.
I say to "baby sitter", "I want to go to Florida. I want to take my Son to Sea World!"
He responds, "I am not going to drag you around "the happiest place on earth" quivering, afraid of people in mouse ears."
Baby sitter aka Safe Person, you were picked because I trust you.
I believe in you. I always believe in you.
I support you emotionally and spiritually.
Please stop crushing mine.
I realize you don't comprehend that is what you are doing, but your words hurt.
I did make it to the second floor of the library today by myself, thank you!
I did have to keep telling myself "I am a strong black woman, I am a strong black woman"
That is one of my favorite mantras. Drawing out my inner Madea or Tina Turner.
(Just for the record, I am white)

I was talking to my sister Heather tonight.
We have a family function coming up, a pretty boo ghetto family function at that.
My darling sister gives me the idea to use my agoraphobia as an excuse.
It is TOTALLY valid. I have a hard time leaving the house but she straight up said
"Tell her you're feeling too agoraphobic." I kind of love it.
This way I can avoid telling her I think she is being a selfish b#@%h and I don't have to go.
So just for today I am feeling just a little too agoraphobic!
I have the blessings from my brother in law as well, and that was priceless!
I love you all so much!

Peace and Love!